My Hatred for my BPD ex is SO Strong Its starting to affect me negatively

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Ok well I'm back guys, I have been gone for a while. I needed to get myself back right and boy was it a tough and painful journey. Therapy and Anti depressant pills and suicidal thoughts, aw man did I have it bad, even PTSD showed its face in my struggle. However I made it through and I am proud of myself and I want you all to know that, you can do it... .just believe in yourself  .

Now on to the problem I have been having as of late, I completely and utterly despise my ex for what she did to me. I mean I have never felt so much hatred for someone before than I do her and it is starting to literally make me ill and bitter. She left me with not a penny to my name, ran me out of town because of her lies about me abusing her, me receiving constant threats from her many boyfriends she had after she left me and her constantly emailing me saying how happy she was that she was pregnant and how she moved on.

So much more happened but that is it in a nut shell. And well I'm angry, I haven't seen her in over a year but I know seeing her face will destroy me. I sometimes have dreams where she is approaching my door and she opens it and I awake in sweat and sometimes screams, yea it is that bad.

I Do not have any feeling for this individual except for hatred, I feel like forgiveness is too good for her. I don't remember how to smile without faking it anymore, I'm always angry. I prefer to be alone, but I do go out on the occasional dates to stay active and sociable. But that part of my life is all a lie because everything I have do have been out of hate for this one person for what she did to me. I'm not even in the same town as her and she has no way of reaching me nor I her but man am I exhausted.

So the thing is, I'm over her completely. I don't cry over the pain of the break up or have the temptation to contact her anymore. I have accepted that it is over and I myself want nothing to do with her at all. But the hatred I feel for her is so strong that I have headaches at times. Have anyone encountered this problem before, or have any advice besides forgiveness because I just cannot forgive her. I know it in my heart that I can't forgive her   . Help

[Mr gaga]

Ok well I'm back guys, I have been gone for a while. I needed to get myself back right and boy was it a tough and painful journey. Therapy and Anti depressant pills and suicidal thoughts, aw man did I have it bad, even PTSD showed its face in my struggle. However I made it through and I am proud of myself and I want you all to know that, you can do it... .just believe in yourself  .

Now on to the problem I have been having as of late, I completely and utterly despise my ex for what she did to me. I mean I have never felt so much hatred for someone before than I do her and it is starting to literally make me ill and bitter. She left me with not a penny to my name, ran me out of town because of her lies about me abusing her, me receiving constant threats from her many boyfriends she had after she left me and her constantly emailing me saying how happy she was that she was pregnant and how she moved on.

So much more happened but that is it in a nut shell. And well I'm angry, I haven't seen her in over a year but I know seeing her face will destroy me. I sometimes have dreams where she is approaching my door and she opens it and I awake in sweat and sometimes screams, yea it is that bad.

I Do not have any feeling for this individual except for hatred, I feel like forgiveness is too good for her. I don't remember how to smile without faking it anymore, I'm always angry. I prefer to be alone, but I do go out on the occasional dates to stay active and sociable. But that part of my life is all a lie because everything I have do have been out of hate for this one person for what she did to me. I'm not even in the same town as her and she has no way of reaching me nor I her but man am I exhausted.

So the thing is, I'm over her completely. I don't cry over the pain of the break up or have the temptation to contact her anymore. I have accepted that it is over and I myself want nothing to do with her at all. But the hatred I feel for her is so strong that I have headaches at times. Have anyone encountered this problem before, or have any advice besides forgiveness because I just cannot forgive her. I know it in my heart that I can't forgive her   . Help

[willtimeheal]

Have you sought therapy for the PTSD?  As much as you say you are over her it sounds like you are still grieving. Have you thought about therapy or talked to a therapist?  Even though she is out of your life she still effects you. I am sorry. It isn't fair for you to feel such pain.

[Mr gaga]

But I'm not hurting anymore, so I thought I was healed. No I haven't seen a therapist in a couple of months, I just want this to stop. I know what she did to me, I understand that we are done and that I'm better off without her. But I despise her and still fear her face so much. Maybe I need to go back and seek help, these dreams are becoming more frequent. I feel like such a weak guy for letting a woman get the best of me like this   . Ugh

[ajr5679]

I have nothing but hate for mine also. so I understand, I have tried to think about her being in more pain than me . I have thought about her dying alone. I really hate her . her son and her did so much damage to me . I was abused by her son and mentally abused by her.

[Mr gaga]

Ahh so you know what it feels like to wish her the worst possible fate everytime you see an ambulance go by. Glad someone understands, and wow her son abused you? That's horrible

[Chasing_Ghosts]

But I'm not hurting anymore, so I thought I was healed. No I haven't seen a therapist in a couple of months, I just want this to stop. I know what she did to me, I understand that we are done and that I'm better off without her. But I despise her and still fear her face so much. Maybe I need to go back and seek help, these dreams are becoming more frequent. I feel like such a weak guy for letting a woman get the best of me like this   . Ugh

Mr. gaga,

Listen mate your not weak. Your dreams are an introspection into dealing with this whole ordeal. A guide to find the key to unlock the healing of this trauma. I too dream almost every night of my ex. But when i get past all the pain and really dig deep and feel my way through it all i always find some sort of hidden meaning or even epiphanies to them. Meditate upon what they are telling you and the answers you seek will come out of the darkness and into the light. Let go of your hatred for it will cloud your judgement and discernment keeping you stuck in this cycle and lost in the abyss that is this sea of pain in which you are drowning. I know its easier said then done but the path less traveled always is. Take it one step at a time and be kind to yourself as youve suffered greatly. Peace be with you my brother.

[Mr Hollande]

I identify with most of what you say Gaga. I too have an intense hatred for my ex and I don't see how I will ever forgive her. Just like yours she doesn't deserve it.

[willtimeheal]

Maybe this isn't about forgiving her. Maybe she has nothing to do with it. Maybe just maybe this is about forgiving yourself.  

It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I knew better. I saw the signs. I felt it in my gut.  I didn't leave the first time, I went back for more and more abuse. I thought I was weak too. But then when I realized and accepted that I am human and it doesn't matter how many times I recycled what mattered was what I decided to do at this moment. And I decided to take back my life and the first part of that was forgiving myself. Maybe start there.

I am not sure that I hate my ex but do I get some satisfaction seeing that she looks like crap and is.miserable... .You bet I do!

[Mr Hollande]

Maybe this isn't about forgiving her. Maybe she has nothing to do with it. Maybe just maybe this is about forgiving yourself. 

In short, nope. I have never blamed myself for being the victim of an abusive person. That's all on her as far as I'm concerned.

[Caredverymuch]

Maybe this isn't about forgiving her. Maybe she has nothing to do with it. Maybe just maybe this is about forgiving yourself.

In short, nope. I have never blamed myself for being the victim of an abusive person. That's all on her as far as I'm concerned.

I agree with this.  In my case, this is exactly the reality. I do not feel at all like I need to forgive myself.  In fact, retrospectively the genuine respect and non wavering support I gave to my expBPD was unequivocal. I never asked for or took advantage  of a thing. I gave him many mature options to not continue the r/s.  He took full and utter advantage of goodness. 

Anger can be therapeutic  if it helps to propel us forward to a better place .  Hate keeps us stuck. 

I pity my ex rather than hate. I would not want to be in his shoes on judgement day for the way he relentless took advantage of me while lying relentlessly to his ex. Whom he returned to. And lied more too.  And ultimately to me as well.

I did none of this. I only loved.

[willy45]

Hey dude. Been there. Anger can be a good thing. It is what help detach. Try not to see it as a problem but just your way of cutting yourself off from this person. Why wouldn't you be angry. Be angry.

Now, to more practical matters... .Get that anger out of your body. This may sound stupid but it worked for me. Set a time every day to get the rage out physically. And commit yourself to focusing that anger for just that period of time during the day. You need to contain it within a particular time frame each day. Set a timer for 30 minutes to an hour, get a pillow, and kick the sh$t out of the pillow. Scream, rage, punch the pillow, cry. Do whatever. Get it out of your body. Do that for a couple weeks. You will find that it will stop spilling over into your life. You can stop it from contaminating the rest of your world. After you are done, write down three unrelated things you are grateful for.

Also, go work out on the regular.

You'll be fine man. You just need to get it out. I've been there. Its actually a great stage because it means you are letting go.

[tim_tom]

Signed. We used to do the 11:11 wish thing. Everytime I catch 11:11 I wish for her to have a miserable lonely existence where guys cheat on her mentally abuse her. Sometimes the thought even crosses my mind of her dropping dead.

This doesn't make me proud to admit, but she has screwed me up so badly that I just can't be the bigger person. Everytime I get another cold message from here I want to zap her with a cattle prod. My least favorite, and her favorite to send is "Hey, how are you". Drives me nuts! 6 weeks ago you were pestering me to propose to you, and now all you can muster is "Hey, how are you". And on the couple of times I've poured my heart out to her I either get blamed for it, or something like "ok, i understand". I am completely insignificant to her, and she seems to take pleasure in letting me know that.

[AwakenedOne]

I used to hate my ex also. Suprisingly I think the hate is gone away now, I guess? I kind of changed my view of what the heck actually occured between me and my "wife" during the "marriage". I'll never know if one thing was true in the 4 year marriage to the self confessed liar, selfish person and ABUSER. Maybe if you simplify things in your mind into that she is a crazy and / or evil person who NOTHING was really real with then a lot of the painful memories won't stand out so much in your mind. Hating them only hurts us. More than likely most of our ex's dont give a ___ about us or even cross their mind for a second. Mine doesnt give a ___ about me for sure. My advice to you is do not consider yourself equal in fault to an abuser just because you loved them.

[tim_tom]

My advice to you is do not consider yourself equal in fault to an abuser just because you loved them.

True, but... lately I am consumed that I am the one that causd her to abuse me. That maybe if I had married her as she wanted it wouldn't have gotten so bad? OR maybe the next guy will fulfill her in a way that i can't, and she'll be more manageable.

[willtimeheal]

My advice to you is do not consider yourself equal in fault to an abuser just because you loved them.

True, but... lately I am consumed that I am the one that causd her to abuse me. That maybe if I had married her as she wanted it wouldn't have gotten so bad? OR maybe the next guy will fulfill her in a way that i can't, and she'll be more manageable.

You are never the cause for abuse. No one ever deserves or asks to be abused. She I  mentally ill. She will do the same thing over and over again to others. One of the hardest pieces to.accept is... .this has nothing to do with you.  She is ill.

[Mr Hollande]

That maybe if I had married her as she wanted it wouldn't have gotten so bad?

She would have had her hooks even further in and with a bigger stick to beat you on top. Be glad you didn't marry her. Jesus Christ be grateful for that!

OR maybe the next guy will fulfill her in a way that i can't, and she'll be more manageable.

I quote what a good friend who suffered horribly at the hands of a BPD woman said when I was dropped for my replacement: "It'll be a case of same sh#t, different man!". Her life is one long and endless series of pain, despair and devastation until the day she dies. This guy will be as powerless to change that as you were.

[tim_tom]

She would have had her hooks even further in and with a bigger stick to beat you on top. Be glad you didn't marry her. Jesus Christ be grateful for that!

I quote what a good friend who suffered horribly at the hands of a BPD woman said when I was dropped for my replacement: "It'll be a case of same sh#t, different man!". Her life is one long and endless series of pain, despair and devastation until the day she dies. This guy will be as powerless to change that as you were.

That makes me feel better. I feel like I am now scarred for life and can't stand the idea of her finding her perfect man.

[Lion Fire]

A while back, I was feeling terrible hateful feelings. This kept me away from her which was empowering. However, the resentment and hate started to hold me back and kept me in her story. I reached out here and was given guidance from those with experience. Since then I have been processing my anger in a healthy way and not internalising and seething on it. I still haven't forgiven her but I'm moving towards inner peace.

One day, I'll be free from this and it will be classified as one of life's big lessons 

[Mr Hollande]

That makes me feel better. I feel like I am now scarred for life and can't stand the idea of her finding her perfect man.

She'll probably go through a whole row of good men before she leaves this mortal coil. Let that be their headache. You may carry the scars but you've stopped her from causing further the damage by walking away. You are hurt but you are safe. That's something.  

[tim_tom]

She'll probably go through a whole row of good men before she leaves this mortal coil. Let that be their headache. You may carry the scars but you've stopped her from causing further the damage by walking away. You are hurt but you are safe. That's something.  

Thank you! The self doubt is crippling, she says it's all my fault and vacillate between believing her/doubting myself and thinking no way. I really appreciate the support.

My family doesn't get it, they loved her. She put on an amazing front and only acted out when alone. Was always terrified of me telling them any negative

[Mr Hollande]

She put on an amazing front and only acted out when alone.

Classic behaviour! They only hurt the ones who get close. To everyone else they are angels.

My dad is a sly old fox with a finely tuned sense for sniffing out wrong'ns from miles away. He saw right through both of my BPD's in seconds but was powerless to do anything about it. It must have been painful for him to just stand by and watch it unfold.

If your family doesn't get it then maybe you need to sit them down and share some horror stories? Let them know what Little Princess was really like.

[tim_tom]

Classic behaviour! They only hurt the ones who get close. To everyone else they are angels.

My dad is a sly old fox with a finely tuned sense for sniffing out wrong'ns from miles away. He saw right through both of my BPD's in seconds but was powerless to do anything about it. It must have been painful for him to just stand by and watch it unfold.

If your family doesn't get it then maybe you need to sit them down and share some horror stories? Let them know what Little Princess was really like.

I try. Some of them have come around but others don't believe me or think I'm exaggerating. it's just completely incongruent with her public face, heck there are even times I don't believe it

[Mr Hollande]

I'm sorry to hear that some of your family chooses to believe her over you. I truly have no advice to give you on that one.

[tim_tom]

I'm sorry to hear that some of your family chooses to believe her over you. I truly have no advice to give you on that one.

I don't know that they believe her, just that think I am making her out to be a monster to make myself feel better. If that makes sense. It's mainly my mother, who she was closest too and really sucked up to. My mom just thinks she's immature, spoiled and self centered (her folks have money, enabling her to do things like move in/out, quit and start new jobs, go back to school... with the snap of a finger)

[Popcorn71]

Ahh so you know what it feels like to wish her the worst possible fate everytime you see an ambulance go by. Glad someone understands,

I think this exact same thing.  I thought it was just me being evil!

[Mr gaga]

Ahh so you know what it feels like to wish her the worst possible fate everytime you see an ambulance go by. Glad someone understands,

I think this exact same thing.  I thought it was just me being evil!

Really? Oh thank goodness I'm not alone.

And thank you all from the responses and giving me some insight on this whole ordeal. I can only wait and see if my hatred for this individual will one day diminish and I can completely put all of this behind me.