How do I get him to leave?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I know that could seem like a ridiculous question.

My bf has made great progress, but even the now more contained episodes of verbal abuse or  jealous paranoia or that awful icy cold contempt, I'm realizing, may just be as good as it gets, and are still scary, and still painful, and still leave me wounded. I have worked on validating, compassion, boundaries. It takes a lot of work.

But even though the episodes are less frequent and less intense (some of that progress is him and some of it is me, learning the tools and learning how to avoid triggers) I live the rest of the time on eggshells. I see myself melting in relief when I am no longer painted black and I am sad for myself. I realize this is not a healthy relationship, even when we are sailing along "happily". Because I know that a storm can arise in an instant.

When it is very bad I have the will to end the relationship, but if I ask him to leave he acts as if I am being a drama queen and it triggers him further. I own our home and I just don't know how to get him out of my life in those moments when I have resolve. I've tried leaving myself when he is dysregulated but I can only afford the occasional night at a hotel and my closest friends don't live nearby.

I realize the answer may be simple but there's a fog because I am unsure (hasn't there been progress?) afraid (surely this will not go easily) and confused. I think I just need help thinking this through.

[Bee Girl]

I know that could seem like a ridiculous question.

My bf has made great progress, but even the now more contained episodes of verbal abuse or  jealous paranoia or that awful icy cold contempt, I'm realizing, may just be as good as it gets, and are still scary, and still painful, and still leave me wounded. I have worked on validating, compassion, boundaries. It takes a lot of work.

But even though the episodes are less frequent and less intense (some of that progress is him and some of it is me, learning the tools and learning how to avoid triggers) I live the rest of the time on eggshells. I see myself melting in relief when I am no longer painted black and I am sad for myself. I realize this is not a healthy relationship, even when we are sailing along "happily". Because I know that a storm can arise in an instant.

When it is very bad I have the will to end the relationship, but if I ask him to leave he acts as if I am being a drama queen and it triggers him further. I own our home and I just don't know how to get him out of my life in those moments when I have resolve. I've tried leaving myself when he is dysregulated but I can only afford the occasional night at a hotel and my closest friends don't live nearby.

I realize the answer may be simple but there's a fog because I am unsure (hasn't there been progress?) afraid (surely this will not go easily) and confused. I think I just need help thinking this through.

[Rubies]

What worked for me and I learned it from reading it somewhere in the vast resources at this site, is what I call "Playing 'Possum."  He could no longer get a rise out of me, get the reaction he desired, feed off my pain.

When he did those things intended to hurt me, I looked at him and calmly said, "That confuses me, I think I need a nap."  Then I walked away and put myself on time out.

Yes, he escalated, he manipulated, he spun out, he destroyed things, he left in the most hurtful way he could think of, but he left.   He found someone else before he left.   He left on our 17th anniversary and it was the nicest thing he ever did for me.   My health and happiness is restored.

[Lucky One]

What worked for me and I learned it from reading it somewhere in the vast resources at this site, is what I call "Playing 'Possum."  He could no longer get a rise out of me, get the reaction he desired, feed off my pain.

When he did those things intended to hurt me, I looked at him and calmly said, "That confuses me, I think I need a nap."  Then I walked away and put myself on time out.

Yes, he escalated, he manipulated, he spun out, he destroyed things, he left in the most hurtful way he could think of, but he left.   He found someone else before he left.   He left on our 17th anniversary and it was the nicest thing he ever did for me.   My health and happiness is restored.

Good for You.

I'm working on my own health and happiness, right now. Thanks for YOUR inspiration.

I've been 38 years in this relationship, 32 years married. A massive decision soon to be made.

Love was not enough. Hard to understand!