If people ask me if I'm avoiding my mom what do I say?

[Wintersun]

Hello friends. This coming weekend is the first time I will see my uBPDm in about 3 months. The last time I saw her I was on the receiving end of a particularly vicious invective that lasted several hours. I was not able to defuse it and made the decision to leave the premises. As you can imagine, she was not happy about me leaving (threatened to cut me out of her will, never talk to me again, etc.). We had some positive email exchanges in the time since but in the last couple weeks she has gone back to splitting me as the "bad child".

My mother has two sisters. She is currently living with sisterA. In the past I have usually stayed with sisterA while visiting my mom and extended family. SisterA's place was the location of the last abusive rant my mother put me through. My mom always attacks when no one is around (e.g., after hours when everyone is asleep or when people are out running errands). I really, really don't want to stay at sisterA's this time because I am terrified of my mom abusing me again. My mom has been known to wake me in the middle of the night to aggressively interrogate me. The last invective was also really horrible - she was extremely mean to me.

I would much prefer to stay at sisterB's this weekend.  The thing is I've always stayed at SisterA's  and I KNOW people are going to find it strange that I'm staying elsewhere. I have not discussed my mother's behavior with my extended family. I have decided that now is not the time. They are largely unaware of the extent of her mental fragility since they don't see her behaviors. And I think if I were to disclose that my mother is unwell then world war III may break out -- my mom would be utterly incensed. My question to you is how do I handle the questions about why I don't want to stay at SisterA's home? If people ask me if I'm avoiding my mom what do I say?  huh

[Harri]

Hi Wintersun!   

I think you are very smart to stay away from Sister A and your mom.  I still have nightmares of my mom waking me up and either questioning me or raging at me (and did you used to have midnight cleanings where you were woken up to clean your room... .What the heck?)

Anyhoo, stick to your guns and stay with Sister B.  No explanation needed, however, you can consider the following for anyone who asks why (not necessarily your mom tho):

1) I do not get to spend much alone time with Sister B when I visit so I decided this time would be a perfect opportunity to do so.

2) I think Sister A has enough on her plate with one overnight guest and I also would like to spend time with Sister B.

3) My mother is a raging fruit loop but you never see it because she hides it well from others. I refuse to subject myself to her abuse. 

4) Things are a little tense right now what with the divorce and all so I think my mother needs some alone time to help her find her happy place.  I don't know where that place is, but it is not near me.

Okay, so # 3 and #4 are probably not what you had in mind, but what do you think about the first two options?  Anyone who asks can also be told you prefer not to discuss it, but that will most likely fuel gossip and get people poking around in stuff they should not be poking at!  I can imagine someone saying "but what about how your mother feels"?  My reply would be to smile and say "I don't know, why don't you ask her" or "Oh she is fine."  Done deal. 

As for your mother, well, that is a whole different thing.  Whatever you do, try not to be alone with her.  You said you fear for your safety with this latest ramp up in rage.  Be careful and at the first sign of her raging at you or starting up with ___, walk away.  Will you have your own transport?  keep your keys on you.  keep money and credit cards in your pocket and just walk away.  Do not engage.  Do not reason.  Do not defend or justify.  Protecting yourself has to be your priority.  You are worth it.   

Now, after all that protect yourself talk (I tend to get very passionte!   ) if your mom says anything about where you are staying, how would you feel about telling her something like:  I do not trust you to not go off on me like you did the last time I visited.  I did not deserve it and it hurts and upsets me when you do _____ .  I understand you are upset with dad but I am your daughter and I deserve to be spoken to with respect and consideration.  I refuse to put myself in that position again.



I have no idea if being that direct with your mom is a good thing.  You know yourself best and you know her.  In general, I think we (as in all kids of) need to take a stand against the BS that we have always dealt with.  But that does not translate to all situations.  My mom used to scare the hell out of me and so it was the most empowering thing in the world to speak up and tell her no, ___ off (yeah, I really did), or whatever.  The goal is not to get through to her or reason with her.  It is simply to say stop treating me like this.  Stop talking to me like this.  Stop doing ___ I do not deserve it and I will no longer tolerate it.

The behaviors may continue, they may even increase or escalate (in which case you stay far away) but I really think we must speak up and take care of us.  We can spend the rest of our lives (or theirs really) trying to make things peaceful or trying to avoid conflict... .but how realistic is that?  There are some here who can do that, and I applaud them because it takes a special kind of patience and dedication that I just do not have.  My mom and my situation called for very different actions.  I think the hardest thing for me to cope with was knowing that my saying no and standing up for myself, moving away, etc, made life with her for my brother and father that much more difficult.  It was very hard knowing that, but it was also hard knowing that the two of them spent years watching me be degraded and abused and I could sense their relief that she was focused on me rather than them.

We have a right to stand up for ourselves when we are being abused or treated like we do not matter.  We have a right to take care of ourselves.  Standing up for ourselves, saying no to the BPD parent and taking care of us in no way changes or limits our love and compassion for them.  What it does do is allow us to demonstrate love and compassion for ourselves. 

So Wintersun, what do you think?  Lets hash out some possible scenarios and things you can say.     You will be all right ya know.   

[P.F.Change]

(cross-posted with Harri)

Hi, Wintersun,

It sounds like as an adult you are making a decision to stay someplace you feel safe. That sounds like a wise choice--it is important to take care of yourself.

The answer could be as simple as saying that you don't want to discuss it. You are an adult and are capable of making your own decisions, no need to justify or explain them to others. It's up to you to decide how much you want to share. You can have boundaries. How would that work for you?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[funfunctional]

The less said the better.

You owe no explanations to anyone.

If someone asks you just lie.  Make up some too busy thing and then change the subject.

The older I get the more I care LESS about what other people think or being accountable to anyone else for personal matters that have nothing to do with their business.

People ask these questions and then create DRAMA when they get the answer like "oh... .I am avoiding my mom cause she is not well person"  or "oh... .I don't talk to my mom that much".

Why say a thing?

Good luck

[HappyChappy]

Mr P.F is right, you don't need to answer their questions or tell them anything. You could just change the subject or distract them with a sudden need for the toilet or a glass of water. Or you could reply with questions "why do you say that ?" and finish with "Interesting." It's up to you what you reveal. 

[jmanvo2015]

Morning Wintersun   

Oh, wow, I can really relate to your post and dilemma.  It's like we have the same family.  My mother hates my biological father and seethes with resentments and veiled comments whenever I visit or talk about him or his new family.  However, she will not admit this and then says things that are contradictory to this behavior, such as, "I'm so glad you've reconciled with your father. It's so important to heal that relationship."  That's when she tries to sound all wise and like good mommy.  Huh? 

Regarding your family, if they're like mine and it sounds like they are, it wouldn't matter if you told them because they wouldn't believe you about your mother's uBPD.  The roles in your family are already established and long-entrenched and since your mother is older, her relationships with these people are longer than yours, so they'll see her in relation to that and won't realize that when she became a mother she lost her ___ing mind 

Though, I must admit that I got a very good chuckle from Harri's #3 and #4 suggested responses    I have a contradicting opinion on sticking up for yourself with your mom.  I have always stuck up for myself, which has resulted in huge fights and my mom denying any wrong doing.  So, this just hasn't worked for me.  I am not realizing that, for my own peace of mind, it's just better to let her rant until she poops herself out.  For my mom, this is generally one major, abusive rant and then about a week of ignoring me and seething with resentment and critical comments at my mere presence.  The, fortunately, after that period of exile, happy and funny (my mom has a great sense of humor) returns until the next unscheduled and unexpected blow up.  I am learning how to separate my own sense of self and self-esteem from my mom's behaviors.  Is it easy?  Does it always work?  Absolutely not as evidenced from the last blow up I shared about, but I'm trying and learning.

I like the advice others gave you - either don't explain your decision about staying with Aunt B, or just say you realize Aunt A's house is already overfull.

Good luck and big hugs.