I miss my son so much I can't breathe and so I broke my NC rule

[wildchild]

I can't take it. I miss him.  When I think of all the abuse he lived through before I adopted him I can't help but feel guilty for letting him go.  So many of the post on here about relationships but few I can find about your child.  My heart grieves for my son. I can't stop crying. I try to be strong and then I fall apart.  I don't know how to survive this, how to walk a way.  How do you walk away from your kid? People say, "You need to be strong you have 3 other kids". Really?  As if 3 out of 4 ain't bad?  I am so sad.  I feel as if I have buried him.  I don't know how to be strong. I wish I had someone who understood this kind of disorder.  Even my husband wants me to "let it go".  God, what is wrong with people. He is my son!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi wildchild,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It is heartbreaking  

I have 3 children and a SD. I knew her for 8 years and I had always thought and treated her as mine. I couldn't bear leaving her and I miss her. She has traits like mom, although she is not as bad. She cuts. 

He is your son. Can you fill us in on him?

People told me to walk away. It's not so easy when you have a bond with a child. My family and friends don't have a father and daughter bond like I do.

[Kate4queen]

It's not easy to walk away. He will always be your son in your heart. I had to make a similar decision a couple of years ago to walk away from my BPD son before he destroyed my other children and my marriage. My therapist put it like this=that when the ship is sinking you have to save as many people as you can, and that includes yourself.

I still have moments when I feel terribly guilty about not being close or in real contact with my son (he still lives in an apartment we pay for with his brother and we pay him a small amount of $ every month but I haven't seen him for well over a year and only hear from him in raging emails when he wants money)

I can't make this right. It leaves a hole in my heart, but when I look back, I still wouldn't change what happened because I remember all too vividly how awful it was before. When I remember how close my whole family came to a breakdown, I realize I did the best I could to save as many as I could at the time. It doesn't make it right, but I still wouldn't change it.

He's not changed, he's never going to be that sweet little boy that loved me the best ever again. I hate it, but I can't change it I can only accept that life isn't perfect, grieve for the lost opportunities and keep moving forward.

Much sympathy to you.

[wildchild]

Thank you guys.  It is weird how just a little support lifts some of the pain so you can breath again. 

My son has moments where he is so wonderful and he is definitely one of those BPD's that other people can't quit see it until they have been around for a bit and they are usually shocked.  He came from a home of severe abuse.  I actually had to fight to get him free and the parents (who had adopted him ugh) where finally prosecuted and dad went to prison.  So I have fought hard for him since he was 13.    It is like being on a roller coaster, one wrong word by anyone in the family and he is in a rage.  He has always resisted therapy. Believe me I have tried. He has other issues like PTSD and can have sorta a flat affect.  He is either just ok or in a rage but never really happy.  When a smile comes I am thrilled.  He has lost 5 jobs in the past two years and got kicked out of military.  I was shocked when I got the news. He couldn't handle being yelled at so he refused to train (official discharge papers said) but he also started cutting himself just so he could go to the hospital.   They determined he was fine and he just stopped doing as he was asked. I had desperate hopes that the military would get him in better shape but it made him worse. Constantly running from anything that cause the least bit of deep emotion.   One minute asked a girl to marry him he has barely met to chancing a married women.  I love him so much and every time I look at him I see that scared little boy I rescued from a horrible life and I just want to protect him. Now I have kicked him out and messed up our relationship. I am miserable but I can't live with him.

[Mutt]

Hi wildchild,

I'm sorry for all of the pain that this disorder has caused you and you have suffered a lot.

I was abandoned as a child. Adopted at 6 months. My adoptive mother is my mother (passed in '83). I can tell you are a good woman. A good mother. Please don't blame yourself.

[pessim-optimist]

I am so sorry for your heartbreak, wildchild. 

We don't have any contact with my step-daughter at the moment either. She has cut contact with us several times in the last few years. The first time was the most painful, as we didn't know what to expect and whether she was going to contact us again.

We have gone through several cycles now, and in the times that we aren't in touch, we first grieve, then recover and then we focus on our lives, while learning more about the disorder and how to better communicate with her (it's been really hard on my husband as he is the daddy - so he only focuses on the literature when he can. It's easier for me to detach, even though it's still heartbreaking because there are also grandkids).

It's really hard at the beginning. It does get better with time as you learn more and understand this disorder better. And also as you share here with us - this is the perfect place for it - we understand... .

You say in the title that you broke your NC rule - what happened? How did you reach out to him? Did you get any response? Is there any way for you to know he's got your message?

[lever.]

I am sorry for what you are going through Wlidchild.

Nothing is ever permanent with this disorder and the situation will inevitably change.

I think the very best thing you can do at present is really look after yourself, be gentle with yourself and build yourself up.

I think it is likely that your son will be back in your life at some point.

He has had some very difficult experiences and it sounds as if he is easily triggered.

It would help I think to gradually read through the tools on the right, just as much as you can cope with for now.

If you can get hold of Valerie Porr's book "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" it may help to also gradually read through the parts that seem relevent to you.

It is obvious that you love your son very much and have fought hard for him.

What was it that led to you imposing the "No contact" rule on yourself.

I'm just wondering as I agree that sometimes when the ship is sinking all you can do is save the most people possible.

Would your son like to have contact with you or does he wish for no contact?

[wildchild]

Not sure how to respond individually yet still figuring out this forum.  So, this is a blanket response to all inquiries.  Really, the NC was something needing to be done to show him he could not be in charge around here.   That particular morning he had refused to get out of bed for work on time and made me late for my job because we were going together.  I know I could of just left him but him getting fired would of been one more lost job and a fight with his father etc.  So, he finally gets out of bed slowly walks to kitchen and gets water and drinks a glass while looking at me than tells me to chill, mind you I am already 30 mins late. then he proceeds to MY SHOWER , which is off limits and takes a 20 min shower, dresses then while I am sitting in car he goes to front porch and has a cigarette.  I am shaking at this point because it is obvious an explosion is coming.  He goes back in packs a bag comes to car and tells me he is staying at a friends which turns out to be a girl and we do not allow sleep overs as long as living at home and so at that point I lost it.  I could not be calm and detached and even toned anymore.  I told him I was done and he said good we were not his family anyway and we did not need to contact him and he walked off.  Then within the next couple of days broke things off with the girl, quit his job, spent his car payment because he didn't want his car anymore and a I have learned as of last night had a minor heart attack. 

And yes, we did meet at a park and talk. He is in a much better place. The place where it always breaks my heart because he has moments where he thinks almost normal and he is confused but I get nervous because I know no matter what he says any moment it can all fall apart.  He did find a place to live and that needed to happen because I can't live like this anymore.  Right now it is a day by day thing. Will he call again? will he be ok?  Will they kick him out when he can't keep the next job?  God it is hard.

[lever.]

Yes, it really is hard.

It sounds like you needed to set a boundary. Perhaps there can be contact now but in a different way with boundaries around it. Perhaps meeting up in a neutral place like a park or café.

There is a lot in the tools on the right to help with how best to communicate, both how to help him know that you care and how to communicate boundaries and limits. 

[jellibeans]

wildchild

I am sorry for your struggles with your son. It sounds very heartbreaking and it also sounds like he is trying to find his way. That can be painful to watch and we want to ehlp and we want to rescue... .that is normal and to be expected but it is important for your son to find his own way right now. I am hoping he has the skills to do just that.

wildchild is there something you can do to deal with the fear and anxeity you have associated with your son and his decisions? Reading Porr's book is a good start... .I highly recommend it. As parents we cant control what our children are willing to do... .we can only control ourselves and work on our issues. You need to put boundaries in place to protect yourself and your family. Focus less on what he is doing and more on yourself right now.

Is there a way to maintain contact with your son? Can you arrange to met once a week for dinner? Maybe that will help you deal with the anxiety and it will show your son you still care. AT this point it is really time for Radical Acceptance. Take care of yourself... .don't forget to do that.

[pessim-optimist]

Are you saying your son had a minor heart-attack, or you? I am not sure I am reading it right... .Either way - I am so sorry, that must be adding stress and concern. Are you taking good care of yourself through this?

You know, I really don't blame you for what happened. We all come to our breaking point somewhere along the line.

And apart from the fact that you couldn't keep your composure and maybe said things you regret saying, the bottom line is that you had a rule he couldn't do sleepovers while living at your place. And he was getting ready to do just that. So, off he was, on his own, by his own choice... .

Really, the NC was something needing to be done to show him he could not be in charge around here.

... .

And yes, we did meet at a park and talk. He is in a much better place. The place where it always breaks my heart because he has moments where he thinks almost normal and he is confused but I get nervous because I know no matter what he says any moment it can all fall apart.  He did find a place to live and that needed to happen because I can't live like this anymore.

It is a good thing that you have reached out to him, and that you were able to talk. And - you are right, it is a day by day thing, you will see how it goes (persons w/BPD are "predictably unpredictable". At least you have established contact, and you can take it slowly from there.

As for the NC - it is good to establish and uphold our boundaries, and there are many ways to do that. Hanging up the phone or ending a conversation or simply walking away are all useful at times. What's best in these situations, is leaving the door open for them to come back, though.

NC is something different. NC means cutting someone off, which to the person w/BPD equals to abandonment. And it also includes a power-struggle (controlling the other person), which is different from upholding a boundary (protecting yourself and giving the other freedom of choice) - it can be confusing in the beginning and that's ok, it will become more clear with time... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wildchild]

Yes, It was my son with the minor heart attack not me.  He has anxiety and a weak heart.  So many issues it makes it difficult to let him on his own but I know you all right. I need to take care of myself and not focus on him. I remind myself of that constantly.  I am trying. I am going to buy some  of the suggested books to help me get past this.  I have such a good and close relationship with my other kids that it is hard to have one that I have to treat "differently". Especially with him being adopted it is easy for him to make feel as if I am not treating him the same but even they will call him on it when he is being rude to me. They now are coaching me that this is for the best because he did not treat me the way the felt he should. But I know he cares about us in his own way. We are all he has he just can't love back in a healthy way.  thank you all so much.

[Kate4queen]

I understand. you fought for him and you love him and now its all a huge emotional mess and muddle and you just can't live with him.

My son has cerebral palsy and I literally carried him in my arms for the first 4 years of his life. I did everything for him, advocated for him, sat beside his hospital bed and when he became mobile and showed how amazingly intelligent he was, I ferried him to P.T. and therapy and... .you know what? In the end none of that meant the outcome of his BPD and fear of abandonment and narcism could be avoided. It was all in there just waiting to emerge and devastate the whole family.

When you are so caught up in fear and guilt for your child, you will do anything to save them. The hardest thing I ever learned to do was take a step back instead of a step forward. I only did it when he eventually turned on me and deliberately destroyed our relationship because I refused to get a divorce from his father. You've got to take care of yourself, you can't care more than he does or you are just going to drown alongside him. Taking a step back and protecting yourself is how you can offer him a helping hand when he needs it. It sounds wrong but it really is vital for both of you.

[pessim-optimist]

They now are coaching me that this is for the best because he did not treat me the way they felt he should. But I know he cares about us in his own way. We are all he has he just can't love back in a healthy way.

Sometimes our loved ones can see things for what they are and can give us better perspective. That doesn't make you perception wrong - only incomplete. It seems that you are right and they are right also.

The hardest thing I ever learned to do was take a step back instead of a step forward.

That is often the best first step we need to take. A step that allows us to gain proper perspective and allows the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to clear. But many of us aren't able to take that step on our own, until we are forced into it. It allows us to get from a state of "enmeshment" with our BPD child toward more healthy boundaries and separateness.

[parent of bpd daughter]

I am so sorry and I so relate to your feelings. I've been exactly where you are - I broke my no contact so many times because it's just maternal instinct we are fighting - and it's strong in us. We cannot "just let go" of our kids, I know.

It has taken me 10 years and ALOT of therapy to get to my final place now - where I know I don't want any more contact because my life is short and I've given more than I have to give. Nothing left for me to give

You may reach that point too - where you have nothing left to give - or you may just have to do contact/no contact for a long time. Maybe our son will pull through and get some meds and therapy  -or maybe you'll get to a point where you can walk away.

Whatever happens - do what feels right to YOU. Don't beat yourself up. Don't listen to others - do what you know in your gut you must do.

Very sorry you are going through this.