uBPD Mom - Rage, Havoc, Manipulation

[ianl]

Hi all -- It's been awhile since I've posted on this board.  My mother and I live in the same city and I am convinced she is BPD although I don't believe she has ever been truly diagnosed.  She is often able to charm or fool mental health pros into thinking she is just depressive or the victim of a bad son.  Anyway, the latest explosion was triggered by someone my Mom saw I was friends with on my FB -- a neighbor of hers she decided she no longer liked and she demanded I delete her off of FB.  When I became annoyed at this request, she flew off the handle with me, going on about what a bad son I am, and how I never want to do anything for her, etc etc.  This escalated for days and then going into weeks, as I was the target of horrible voicemails and emails going on and on about how I've disappointed her in every way and am a horrible son and deserve unhappiness, etc.  I mostly ignore her rages but sometimes it's difficult not to engage.  Then in the midst of all this, she started saying in her emails that she may have a medical problem (heart related) and it was all my fault, and she had to go to the hospital to get evaluated.  I tried to find out on my own if this was true but I didn't go to see her, because all the while she was still hurling invective at me and telling me I was ___... .in between telling me I should be kind and loving towards her.  So anyway, I managed to talk to her therapist who told me the heart condition was real and they were monitoring it but it was not an emergency at the time. 

I stopped talking to my mom for awhile hoping the rage would die down and would maybe once a week send an email trying to see if a reconciliation was possible.  And she would just start back up about what a ___ I am and how I need to take responsibility for all the horrible things I've done to her.  She also said that it was horrible that I didn't come see her when she was having the tests -- but the whole time she was raging at me and I just couldn't bear to be around her!  Now she's saying that the therapist thinks I'm a bad son and that some friend of hers thinks I'm the "worst" -- even tho I don't believe she really has any friends, they are all usually discarded after a few months. 

The people in my life are very supportive and know what I go through with her, but since she's my mother I do feel a responsibility towards her.  And so when she keeps telling me I'm bad and inadequate, I start to wonder if I really did do something to deserve being treated this way.  Even though intellectually, I know that doesn't really make sense.  I did contact her therapist one more time just to let her know I was still receiving abusive emails and voicemails from my mother but the therapist basically just told me she was still in therapy and there was nothing else she could say. 

I'm leaving the city in a week for a job that will take me out of town, and my mom now keeps saying that she hopes her medical condition gets worse in such a way that it disrupts my life while I'm out of town.  On one hand, I want to do the right thing by her, but on the other hand can't stand to be around her.   

Thanks for letting me vent

[Kwamina]

Welcome back ianl

Though I am sorry for the circumstances that have led you to come back here. Social media and BPD seem to be a problematic combination based on many of the posts I've seen from other members too. From your previous posts I also gathered that your mom used FB in the past to hurl abuse at you and your girlfriend.

I totally get why you didn't go see your mom when she was having those tests since she was continually subjecting you to a lot of verbal abuse. Do you feel like you still want to have a relationship with her? Since her verbal abuse seems to be going on and on and is affecting you so, perhaps a (temporary) time-out is something you could consider. This doesn't have to last forever, but being a constant target of vicious verbal attacks can really drag you down. Perhaps it would help you to read some information we have here about setting and enforcing boundaries. I think this is something that might help you better deal with your mother:

Values and boundaries

I have a uBPD mother too and know how the horrible verbal abuse and false accusations can greatly impact how you view yourself and even make you question if you are a good human being. Even when you know on a rational level that her words aren't an accurate reflection of who you are, when you keep hearing these things all the time they can still drag you down and create self-doubt. Do you feel like the negative things she always says to you are things you also keep repeating to yourself inside your own head? Almost like your negative mother voice is with you wherever you go... .That was one thing I struggled with and still find myself struggling with sometimes, talking back to that negative inner voice. Do you feel like this is something you're having difficulty with too?

[ianl]

Kwamina thanks so much for your response.  Since the cycles are so up-and-down with my mother I do still feel like I need to TRY to have a relationship with her.  Even though the down-cycles are usually really terrible.  I feel like cutting her out altogether would be heartless especially since we have no other family... .And I did sort of go on a temporary time-out for much of August (this latest feud started in late July), but every time I try to re-engage she starts attacking me again.  Or I'll time-out for a few days, then I'll randomly get more abusive emails and voicemails all of a sudden.  Actually I have a different girlfriend now from the one you referred to from the old posts, and definitely the problems we have with my mother are the same as in my prior relationship... .

Anyway, I definitely identify with what you're saying about the self-doubt.  The latest thing has been my mother trying to attack my career and self-esteem within my career.  I was fired from a job that I loved about 4 years ago, and my mom likes to continuously remind me of this lately and imply that the same thing will happen at my current job and that she hopes I have no success in my field because I deserve it. It's hard not to internalize these things when I'm alone with myself or in my job... .

[ianl]

I should point out that the basis of my mother's complaints about me is that I'm not giving, kind, loving enough of a son. A disappointment of a son.  That I don't consider her and her needs enough.  So then sometimes I will rack my brain to try to determine if there is any validity to her complaints... .God knows I'm not always a perfect, selfless son.  But I still don't think I would deserve this treatment even if some of her complaints about me are valid... .

[Harri]

Hi Ianl.  Of course you don't want to be around your mother when she is doing everything she can to tear you down.  Her complaints about you are not valid.  Not one bit.  No one is perfect and no one can possibly give her what she seems to want.  It sounds like even if you did do everything she wants, she will up the ante.

The whole time I was reading your post, I kept thinking everything she is saying to you is a projection of how she sees herself.  I hope you know that none of this is about you.  Please do not internalize her projections.  She is so caught up in trying to deny her own internal pain and struggles by projecting them onto you that she is not even seeing you.  Can you see that she is giving you insight to her own Self and how she views herself?  I was never good at ignoring my mothers tirades when she was still alive.  What I did get very good at was telling myself over and over that she was unknowingly telling me how she felt about herself and visualizing those words bouncing off of me and back to her.  It made it easier to be around her and to not get caught up in defending, justifying, explaining, pleading etc.  Have you ever tried that?

As for being a perfect and *selfless* son... .Ianl, what kind of mother wants her child to give up every last bit of their Self and their life for them?  What kind of mother takes a past painful 'failure' and throws it in her sons face?  I understand why you try to look within yourself to see if her complaints are valid, but they are not.  They are not valid, reasonable or fair.  Have you ever told her to stop?  Said no?

Ianl, take what she is saying to you and know that she is talking about herself.  I am glad you have supportive people around you.  I am also glad you decided to post.  You are right, even if a few of her complaints about you are valid, you do not deserve to be treated the way she is treating you.  No one deserves that from any one, especially not their mother.