Help Need advice. I think it is over but there are children involved :(

[aspiegirl23]

Hi everyone. I have posted here and there on the "staying" board, but I can't do it anymore. To me there is no relationship here anymore, I have had enough. He is so verbally and emotionally abusive to me, every day. Seems I am the WORST judge of character ever and have managed to stuff so many people's lives by choosing the wrong guy with my first son (9yo), and now another bad one with my 2nd (8 months old). I already share custody with my ex with my 9yo and how could I possibly now do the same with my baby? I feel like the biggest failure in the whole world

I don't want my sons to be around this though. He verbally abuses my 9yo sometimes too, and I see him lose it a bit with my 8 month old sometimes, and I know that will only get worse as he gets older. I feel so tricked! Based on who he was before we got married, he was a good guy and worth all the effort. Yeah there were definitely red flags but seems I am too stupid and hopeful for them. In the lead up to the wedding and then after getting married he just isn't who he used to be anymore.

Anyway, my main issue therefore, trying to find something to grasp onto, is how can me and my boys survive on our own? I don't earn enough to survive on. I COULD earn enough with my job as I could get a lot more hours, but I have an 8 month old baby, so I need to be with him. My BPDh is about to lose his job due to the company closing down, so things are going to get SO MUCH worse, and I don't trust him to be around our baby full-time AT ALL. My parents are wonderful and always help out where they can, but I hate putting too much on them. There is no room at their house either as my brother is living there at the moment, so we would need to rent. I do own a unit that I am paying off but it is too small for the 3 of us to live in as it is only a 2 bedroom and I have barely even touched on paying off the mortgage. I had wanted to keep it as an investment property as that is what I had planned to do before I met my BPDh but maybe I will just have to accept that loss and sell it. I will at least get the deposit back won't I?

I just feel like such a fool for ever getting involved with him. And I will NEVER EVER get in another relationship for the rest of my entire life!

Thank you SO much for listening, and massive apologies for the negativity in this. I am just so broken

[Mutt]

he was a good guy and worth all the effort. Yeah there were definitely red flags but seems I am too stupid and hopeful for them.

Don't be hard on yourself aspiegirl23  How were we supposed to know they are mentally ill when we got involved. It's a difficult disorder to detect. Professionals can miss it.

The disorder is triggered be intimacy and that's when you get the acting out. That's when you see a change of personality. You're dealing with two people a nice one and the other with disproportionate anger.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through some very difficult situations. It must be scary. You're a good mom wanting to protect the children and are aware. You're looking into the future and the pitfalls of their emotional wellbeing.

I'm not sure if your going to get your deposit back. Perhaps ask on the legal board. It's tough   You're frustrated, anxious and stressed. Find some time to take care of you. Maybe ask your parents to watch the baby to do something for you. You feel alone. You have a community here that can offer support.

Do you T? I've gotten valuable advise for financial and life events that helped me devise a plan.

Hang in there.

[Indyan]

Wow, our situations are so similar!

I have a D10 from a previous r/s and an 8 month old baby boy.

I couldn't cope with BPD bf verbal abuse either and at the moment he's staying at his parents.

He's starting T and we're going to MC on Saturday, but I've little hope left... .which is a good thing as it leaves less room for disapointment.

I've been struggling regarding everything. He pays for the house and threatened to stop paying, to send the notice to the landlord etc. I had to send applications for council estate.

I found a nanny last week, my son's getting used to her a few hours a day. I'll start working a few hours a week starting next week. I've seen a T for myself, to help me cope.

All this to say, try a little thing at a time. You have an apartment, that's great luck! And family.

My family lives very far, and that's hard.

Have you though of "therapeutic separation"? Is there a way your husband could accept the idea?

I don't know if you've read "Walking on eggshells" (excellent book), something struck me in it, it was something like: "don't fall for black&white thinking like pwBPD. There are lots of other options than mere separation, such as - a break in the r/s -living in different apartments  etc.