Totally knocked out

[Deeno02]

She dumped me almost a month ago after a 1.5 year relationship. I was willing to take on her and her 5 kids, plus my 2 because i loved her so much. Im 50, shes 46. Started chatting up a college friend who lives near by the day after she dropped me. Im crushed and im home alone while shes out with this guy. Its killing me. Tried to win her back by taking her flowers during her volleyball practice, with a letter i had written. She took the items and rebuffed me with such trivial things, and then when i tried to tell her i was in counseling,  she said save it for the next girl, or your wife Molly (my daughter) whom she seems jealous of.  I was crushed. Why do i still care? The story is much longer,  but i posted it else where. Just trying to get through this crap.

[Zpinal]

It's almost impossible to make sense of nonsense... .I am sure you've read that somewhere. But when she says «save it for the next girl»  she is right. Focus on yourself, she has awaken something in you that was buried for decades. Care about yourself, then the next girl won't be afflicted by a mental or emotional illness. You are counseling, I think its awesome, but do it for the right reasons, for yourself, not to try o win her back, you'd only win another heartache.

ps: please forgive any grammar or typo mistakes, English isn't my first language.

[forget-me-not]

I'm sorry for your pain.

The jealously and constant need to be the center of attention are so difficult and so childish.

This is not your fault and no amount of flowers or niceness from you will fill satisfy her.


Please believe that your counseling is for truly for you, to help you define what you want out of life and set your boundaries up in such a way to reach what you really want most.

You may not know that at this point in time, but maybe you know what you DON'T want?

Defining the deal breakers was a bit easier for me than the list of "wants"

Can you do something nice for yourself tonight? JUST for you?

Maybe something that you were not able to do before due to her disapproval?


Keep posting!

The wealth of kindness and help on this Board is quite awesome.

[Inside]

Deeno02,

I did 3.5 years ‘on & off’ with an u(undiagnosed)BPDxgf.  Her last boy couldn’t even live with her and her oldest boy was raised by her parents.  I’ve two daughters, and though she’d once put on a good act of ‘liking them,’ she ended up avoiding them at all costs... ?  She doesn’t appear to get along with other women and seems to consider them all competition.

Before trying to figure them out, you should attempt to read how mixed up they are inside…  They are a mess that turns into a wreck.  Their deepest understanding of love doesn’t go beyond the initial stage of a new romance.  Thus they’re constantly looking for their next fix.  They mirror the likes and dislikes of their next host and pretend to be ‘everything they’d ever looked for’…  Until they run out of energy and you meet the REAL them  

They blame those who show them love for their internal disorder and anguish, constantly testing us until we break.  They don’t love themselves thus can’t understand how anyone else can, so push us to show us just how ‘bad’ they are.  And though many would like to think they can heal … from all I’ve learned, they can’t.  They’ve a hardwired disorder that no brain surgeon can repair and are doomed to continue their destructive pattern of existence until they physically give out. 

They run off their relatives and plow through lovers, and though we truly love them, and for a segment of time they likely love us too … they cannot maintain the level of intimacy or maturity to sustain a lasting r/s.  And to keep from being alone and unloved they constantly troll for another lover; mine seemed most empowered when we appeared to be the closest.  She just knew it couldn’t/ wouldn’t last (cuz she wouldn’t let it), so felt compelled to make the break … or keep me at arm’s length… (I finally left)

I’d read and commented on your forum intro, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=233899.msg12499405

So much familiar stuff…  I’m at ten months out, and she’d text me a week ago ‘tonight.’  I didn’t respond.  I can’t, after seven damn recycles and years of pain – far outweighing any joy, this has got to remain over.

Watch for ways to move on, to help squeeze her out of your head…  And if you ever become angry at her, keep in mind the Hell inside her head.  She’s not happy, she’s a seriously mentally ill person who used you to further herself through a very sad life.  Five kids   I pity them...   My BPDx couldn’t handle one. 

They stifle your life by draining it from you and alienate you from your family and friends.  They literally feed on your life energy – the more you give the more they take.  They are well described as Black Holes…

Glad you found this place …it can be a lifesaver.  And again – This Was Not You – her being gone is not your fault.  And, if like me, any bit of you ‘is’ the reason she’s gone …then that’s the part of you that values You!  Thank it!  When I realized what I was dealing with and began to put up some boundaries – they stopped her cold.  …and though I watched it happen, our r/s fade… I knew it had to. 

Time helps, but I’m afraid healing includes a scar…  And maybe it should.  Something to remind us of a situation we should try hard to stay clear of in the future – but good for some kick-ass war stories in the future   And don’t expect the ‘general public’ to have any idea what you’ve been through – but expect the opposite around here.  Read & Post – it’s the best of therapy

[Deeno02]

How do i handle her birthday coming up 1 October? NC? And thank you all.

[Tibbles]

Hi

I'm so sorry to read of your pain - at least you are with people who do understand - having been through the crazy stuff too. As for how do you get through her birthday - yep NC is the safest and healthiest way for you to go, but also the hardest!

Remember you need to look after YOU - she is not going to. You owe her nothing, she is not the person you fell for - that was an illusion before the illness became apparent and you deserve to be treated with respect. NC is really hard when part of you wants to reach out and to be there for them but they don't want YOU. They want some-one to blame, be angry with, to take their weird emotions out on. If you choose to line up for that they will take you for all they can. You may reach out because of the past good in the relationship, because you don't want to loose that good, but it is gone my friend. As hard and as sad as that is, it is gone.

Now is the time for you - to mourn, to heal, to find peace and NC is the way to do all those things. Totally sucks cause the heart and the head often want different things, but it is the healthiest option for you. Good luck -either way it is going to be a hard day - let us know how you go 

[catnap]

Stay strict NC.   If you feel weak, read your pro and con list (you posted earlier) again.  The only pros were good cook and VB coach.  The con list was long.  Keep up with your counseling and taking care of you. 

Have you ever read the How a Borderline Relationship Evolves article?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[Deeno02]

I did catnap. Article was spot on. We met while she was seperated from her husband who had already moved on. I was indeed her rescue. Then, as things settled,  career began to pick up (she was a stay at home mom her whole time), her schedule picked up and became even more hectic. Felt i was being ignored, but it was always placed at my feet. You never see me, you never treat me special, your going to lose me... .same old, same old.   

[Inside]

Hey Deeno02,

I felt mine was following a life-long pattern, she was 44 when we met and felt free to describe how ‘they’d all’ (her r/s's) ended…  Actually, she’d kept score, feeling as though she’d won if she left first.  So she left a lot!  In the end …if there is such a thing with a BPD, I walked out on her.  Not to hurt her, or to ‘win,’ but because I, after seven recycles, could see this was a never-ending pattern with her.  And though I wanted more, like a stable future with a deepening love … this on-again off-again crap was obviously the best she could do.  Apparently, it’s the best she’s ever done, or ever will... .

Of course she was instantly entertaining ‘the guys,’ that had never stopped, and seemed her method of always having someone in reserve…

We've saw the real them - and will never be forgiven.  I was willing to “radically accept” that … to a point.  But her inability to bond, to show growth toward a deepening r/s became obvious to her – so I had to be shoved back.  …then came the pull…  She wanted my love, but couldn’t match it – and I suspect that’s true for most all pwBPD…  Knowing they’re deeply loved validates their existence, and when they’ve found it, no matter how much they’ve damaged it’s source (us) - they always want more.

I know what you’re feeling, mixed between feelings you had that are totally real and healthy, and trying to balance them with the blame she’s laid on you from her inability to maintain a r/s.  They are not only suicidal with regard to their bodies; they are suicidal toward relationships as well.  They’ll cut them up like they’ll cut themselves – then blame it on someone else … those closest to them… 

Sorry I can’t give concise advice like most around here … guess this junk’s still inside me and this is an opportunity to get it out.  Glad you’re seeking therapy, beyond six ‘couples counseling session’ with my BPx, I’ve not sought it for myself …thus come here.  But it really hurts to see others in pain and confusion like I’d been before slowly piecing this together… 

I agree with No Contact.  That’s worked for me …either that or Round Eight

I think they’re scared of us and work hard at ‘the break’ to chase us off.  We’ve gotten to know them just too well and they don’t want to hear about it.  They know they are failures on about every level and the only way they can find companionship is through deceit.  …and, we love them…  They cannot accept love, it’s too much.  Thus, so are we, so we’re shoved away to a ‘comfortable distance.’  And if either of us stray, it’s of course our fault… 

Yes, concentrate on what moves you forward, what strengthens your life, and move away from hers.  Let your traits attract someone worthy of them, or at least capable of compounding them.  Stay close to your kids, too.  Sure helps me…  One of my daughters refers to her as “A middle-schooler.”  Cracks me up … Yes – and I don’t need that level of drama … and neither do you

[Deeno02]

Keep having these moment of clarity. I remembered she never blocked her ex husband from FB, instagram or vine. She would show me pics of him out with his lady friends or at cross fit and be all sorts of pissed off about it. Oh my god, she never cared, i was a damn replacement to get back at the ex. A year and a half... .wow... .wow. and she had thd balls to say i wasnt over my ex... .wow.