she texted me...

[Chasing_Ghosts]

earlier today asked why a little over 3 weeks ago i came to her work for... im sensing a recycle attempt as ive seen it in her social media that she desperately throwing out the hooks in every direction... i mean its not like she cares all of a sudden right?

I feel like what i need to talk about needs to be addressed in person as its a personal matter and partially financial.

Anyways not sure how i feel about recycling... again *sigh*

Maybe i can try the friends thing with lots of boundaries and on my terms... i honestly feel stronger.

Thoughts?

[Blimblam]

If you feel an emotional connection to her a deep profound one she will eventually project we inner pain into you.  That is what the disorder does.  You have to accept that. 

If you feel the connection is gone and the  inner pain has been processed then maybe.  As long as you have not finished process in the truama from your interaction with her she will have access to this part of you and will actively seek to twist the knife.  This is just what she does.

The wound needs to heal first.  She will show no compassion for you pain as it is her own pain that she does not want to deal with.

[Infern0]

My thoughts on the "friends" thing is that I really don't see it as possible.

I have contact with my BPD ex, and while at times I feel myself getting drawn towards her,  I've found that the longer I keep at a safe distance,  the less I care.

It's not possible to have a normal friendship with them, they need you "on tap". If you are working on yourself and your own life and they start to slide down the list of your priorities,  they won't hang round.

The truth is our abusive exes should be VERY low on our list of priorities.  Out of human compassion and understanding I wouldn't write mine out completely,  but there's no way I'm revolving my life round her,  and it's not like she calls me to see how I am or wants to go out and have fun together just for fun sake.

It's always because she needs something. And if you are out of fog and repairing yourself,  then you are not such an easy target and she'll bugger off.

I truthfully don't think friendship is possible long term.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Thanks for the responses guys. Youre both right. I need to realize she is my pain and the pain will continue to perpetuate as i rent out headspace to her.

Needless to say i broke nc a little over 2 weeks... got nothing out of it other than silence after my response of wanting to meet up to talk about it over coffee on me. Even added a smiley face hoping shed respond well. Something i havent done since our break. Something she used to love...

Im feeling sick have been all day and yesterday... more or less by not only her behavior but for mine in thinking i could be the nice guy and walk back into fantasyland skipping, holding hands, and picking roses. I played the fool once again and im sure shes more than satisfied keeping me in this role.

I just miss my best friend. I know she wasnt real but most of my friends are not around much and detached since the subsequent relationship. I really dont have anyone and we did everything together. My first everything now has become the first real hurt ive ever felt from any single human being in my whole life. Is hard to wrap my head around sometimes... hell all the time. My hearts still winning i guess.  

I just wish she cared enough to see how much spending anytime with her means to me but that would insinuate she cared about anyone other than herself... heck lets face it she doesnt care about herself that much either when it comes down to it. I have no chance here.

Just tired of the push pull i still feel and wish like your ex Infern0 shed fade away... but at the same time in some warped way id hate not hearing anything from her ever again. A catch 22 indeed...

[Blimblam]

Think of it this way we escaped from a torture chamber and we want to go back to save our friend. The issue is the chamber never had a door and when you left she decided to stay. 

Think of all the times she chose to stay stuck in unhappiness when you showed her the way out and said let's go even grabbed her hand and dragged her but she just refused.

[Infern0]

Think of it this way we escaped from a torture chamber and we want to go back to save our friend. The issue is the chamber never had a door and when you left she decided to stay. 

Think of all the times she chose to stay stuck in unhappiness when you showed her the way out and said let's go even grabbed her hand and dragged her but she just refused.

In my case that's barely a metaphor

She literally used to say "I want to be with you and be happy but I'm scared of happiness"

I tried so many times,  I was going to move us overseas,  I thought away from the people and places that made her unhappy,  tried to talk her into it but it just went nowhere.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Think of it this way we escaped from a torture chamber and we want to go back to save our friend. The issue is the chamber never had a door and when you left she decided to stay. 

Think of all the times she chose to stay stuck in unhappiness when you showed her the way out and said let's go even grabbed her hand and dragged her but she just refused.

The chamber had a door i think just only one i could exit in... while in my last few moments i desperately tried to take her with me through to the otherside as i made it through to the gateway waiting for her the opening all but dissappeared along with the girl i loved. Forever? Thats what i dont still grasp is that girl inside of her still with every other "self" she created or is that it truly never exists when the object is no longer desirable to the disorder and too the gallows with the girl that never was. Yet when recycling they assume the persona again so this would seem to agree more with the latter. Although it seems fractured... idk how to my finger on it but maybe its that a part of the persona is lost every time she devalues as less of your good is saw in her or perhaps forgotten. Which agrees more with the first point i stated. Maybe its a combination of both.

This is true it is funny thought that in my misery shed always try to act like the savior when shes the one that caused it most of the time... kind of like how the banks manipulate economic crisis and then save the day by stabilizing economic security the same situation they manipulated with the numbers they produce in the first place.

In my case that's barely a metaphor

She literally used to say "I want to be with you and be happy but I'm scared of happiness"

I tried so many times,  I was going to move us overseas,  I thought away from the people and places that made her unhappy,  tried to talk her into it but it just went nowhere.

I can relate mine used to say similar things.

Always quote her dad in that  "Im the only one that will eve understand you. No on will ever love you just like me" Shed agree to this statement and be balling how i could never love her and shed never be happy.

I have to assume from the stories she told me he too is BPD and i think shapes most of her issues as hes responsible for most of her core trauma abuse. To me it furthers shows in that the quote she states he never even says he loves her... hes told me to tell her before but it seemed to be out of his own pain.(maybe shame and guilt) I never heard her say it to him though directly.

Needless to say we could take our exs to a Utopian society where there are no problems and they would still find ways to rage, create chaos, and evoke sympathy. Its truly tragic in that our love was never enough... and i think weve all more than proved its unconditional...  

[Blimblam]

The way I see it is when we identified with their pain it activated our own punitive parent and impulsive angry child. Those part is of us now torture our own lonely child. And it is up to us to find ballance and heal our own truamas. When we identified and projected our ideal love onto our exes we falsely believed that when she left so did our loving nurturing aspects of ourself.  We projected that outward and now we have to find that part of ourselves within.

It is not an easy journey perhaps the most painful one I can imagine.

It is confusing and ultimately we have to create our own personal understanding of it.

The same "demons" our exs had are parts of us too that's why we were able to identify. We have to forgive these parts of ourselves and it is a painful process.

If you have not already I highly suggest reading the posts by the member 2010. Those posts really helped me tremendously to get a grasp on underatanding what I am dealing with.

[Loveofhislife]

Today Rifka wrote, more eloquently than I, that NC is our only path out from the misery of our r/s with pwBPD. Pollyanna that I am has a very hard time with that. I remain close friends with narcissistic exh of 25 years and narcissitic exbf of 7 years--not sure why they're easier for me than exbfBPD. I think they see the mutually beneficial part of the relationship and RARELY dysregulate to the psychotic side. I do believe pwBPD are in a prison of their own making--it's the coping skills they chose. And we white knights and Pollyannas long to take them to the other side. Good night--I'm going to the other side now: hoping to finally sleep this week. Chasing Ghosts, I so understand how you feel. He was my everything; he went everywhere with me; he knew my every thought--and I feel like an amputee. Stay here with us, and be with you. We will make it through!

[Split black]

It's not possible to have a normal friendship with them, they need you "on tap".

The truth is our abusive exes should be VERY low on our list of priorities.   and it's not like she calls me to see how I am or wants to go out and have fun together just for fun sake.

It's always because she needs something. And if you are out of fog and repairing yourself,  then you are not such an easy target and she'll bugger off.

I truthfully don't think friendship is possible long term.

So true! You go back for a taste... .and youre hooked again. They never bugger off if they have use of you unless you completely have the stones to ignore them forever... .which I have not really been able to do. Luckily im living a thousand miles away now.

[myself]

with lots of boundaries and on my terms

If you're with a pwBPD, your terms won't matter. They'll be used against you.

Having to build too many walls or fences doesn't lead to freedom.

A relationship/friendship isn't about conditions, but connection.

[Split black]

with lots of boundaries and on my terms

If you're with a pwBPD, your terms won't matter. They'll be used against you.

Having to build too many walls or fences doesn't lead to freedom.

A relationship/friendship isn't about conditions, but connection.

AMEN!

[Blimblam]

with lots of boundaries and on my terms

If you're with a pwBPD, your terms won't matter. They'll be used against you.

Having to build too many walls or fences doesn't lead to freedom.

A relationship/friendship isn't about conditions, but connection.

Sometimes I think about this and realize i was the one with conditions wanting her to be my partner that behaved by my ideals. And how this is controlling and not accepting her for who she is.

[peiper]

Think of it this way we escaped from a torture chamber and we want to go back to save our friend. The issue is the chamber never had a door and when you left she decided to stay. 

Think of all the times she chose to stay stuck in unhappiness when you showed her the way out and said let's go even grabbed her hand and dragged her but she just refused.

In my case that's barely a metaphor

She literally used to say "I want to be with you and be happy but I'm scared of happiness"

I tried so many times,  I was going to move us overseas,  I thought away from the people and places that made her unhappy,  tried to talk her into it but it just went nowhere.

The thing about people with BPD is where ever they move there they are.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Sometimes I think about this and realize i was the one with conditions wanting her to be my partner that behaved by my ideals. And how this is controlling and not accepting her for who she is.

Blimblam. This point right here has totally changed my perspective on my relationship. Its helping me change for the better. Im actually planning on apologizing and bringing this up to her when we meet next again. Obviously in a very basic non triggereing way. But I want her to see that i accept her and she is free to be herself and i will still love her. That to me is unconditional love. Some may see it as foolish. I see it as the wisdom to learn a lesson in the true context that love is not just a feeling. Its an action that perserves no matter the cost no matter the stake. And it takes alot of self sacrifice. And maybe in this case one end is sustaining it longer, more frequently. But i guess i have enough compassion and understanding to to accept this. Her form of love is enough for me. 

Plus the path of control only leads to engulfment and triggers the detached protector. Something i dont want either of us to have to deal with anymore... at least minimilize the severity of said trigger when it inevitably does happen i suppose?

[tim_tom]

Blimblam. This point right here has totally changed my perspective on my relationship. Its helping me change for the better. Im actually planning on apologizing and bringing this up to her when we meet next again. Obviously in a very basic non triggereing way. But I want her to see that i accept her and she is free to be herself and i will still love her. That to me is unconditional love. Some may see it as foolish. I see it as the wisdom to learn a lesson in the true context that love is not just a feeling. Its an action that perserves no matter the cost no matter the stake. And it takes alot of self sacrifice. And maybe in this case one end is sustaining it longer, more frequently. But i guess i have enough compassion and understanding to to accept this. Her form of love is enough for me. 

Plus the path of control only leads to engulfment and triggers the detached protector. Something i dont want either of us to have to deal with anymore... at least minimilize the severity of said trigger when it inevitably does happen i suppose?

How did you attempt to control her?

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Blimblam. This point right here has totally changed my perspective on my relationship. Its helping me change for the better. Im actually planning on apologizing and bringing this up to her when we meet next again. Obviously in a very basic non triggereing way. But I want her to see that i accept her and she is free to be herself and i will still love her. That to me is unconditional love. Some may see it as foolish. I see it as the wisdom to learn a lesson in the true context that love is not just a feeling. Its an action that perserves no matter the cost no matter the stake. And it takes alot of self sacrifice. And maybe in this case one end is sustaining it longer, more frequently. But i guess i have enough compassion and understanding to to accept this. Her form of love is enough for me. 

Plus the path of control only leads to engulfment and triggers the detached protector. Something i dont want either of us to have to deal with anymore... at least minimilize the severity of said trigger when it inevitably does happen i suppose?

How did you attempt to control her?

Well for starters i wanted her to quit smoking(weed and cigarettes) and eat healthy. I constantly got on her about it. To the point of nagging. But all she ever said was "When im ready." This to me translates her on waifish passive aggressive way of saying no. And yet i kept pushing her boundary, something she doesnt know how to hold. Thats controlling. I also would at times expect her and project things i now know as being unrealistic as being honest all the time for example. This is part of the disorder which is a part of her. Something i cant change but can be more aware of in conjunction to my reactions. Yet id still expect that of her and constantly push it down her throat. Thats controlling. I also wouldnt let her hang around people who i deemed "bad influences" but who am i to tell her who she can and cant hang out with based on perceptions that arent necessarily grounded. As i dont really truly know her friends and she paints them black which to me never truly speaks of their character. Ive met her friends for the first time today i did. None of what she ever said reflects on them from what i can tell. I actually am glad she has a group of friends like them. Its a good stable environment that might keep her from need to idealize men constantly and be used for sex. Shes finding validation in a healthy way. On top of the fact that id never let her hang around guys after the cheating especially but her mates that are males seem like nice genuine guys not some weird sleezy players that are manipulating her that ive seen before. Granite she is not innocent as she may lead some of these guys on but in this dynamic i dont see that. Im actually really happy for her for once. She seems to be doing good... i mean as good as she can do i suppose.

[tim_tom]

Well for starters i wanted her to quit smoking(weed and cigarettes) and eat healthy. I constantly got on her about it. To the point of nagging. But all she ever said was "When im ready." This to me translates her on waifish passive aggressive way of saying no. And yet i kept pushing her boundary, something she doesnt know how to hold. Thats controlling. I also would at times expect her and project things i now know as being unrealistic as being honest all the time for example. This is part of the disorder which is a part of her. Something i cant change but can be more aware of in conjunction to my reactions. Yet id still expect that of her and constantly push it down her throat. Thats controlling. I also wouldnt let her hang around people who i deemed "bad influences" but who am i to tell her who she can and cant hang out with based on perceptions that arent necessarily grounded. As i dont really truly know her friends and she paints them black which to me never truly speaks of their character. Ive met her friends for the first time today i did. None of what she ever said reflects on them from what i can tell. I actually am glad she has a group of friends like them. Its a good stable environment that might keep her from need to idealize men constantly and be used for sex. Shes finding validation in a healthy way. On top of the fact that id never let her hang around guys after the cheating especially but her mates that are males seem like nice genuine guys not some weird sleezy players that are manipulating her that ive seen before. Granite she is not innocent as she may lead some of these guys on but in this dynamic i dont see that. Im actually really happy for her for once. She seems to be doing good... i mean as good as she can do i suppose.

fair enough, yes perhaps you can do better

[Split black]

with lots of boundaries and on my terms

If you're with a pwBPD, your terms won't matter. They'll be used against you.

Having to build too many walls or fences doesn't lead to freedom.

A relationship/friendship isn't about conditions, but connection.

Sometimes I think about this and realize i was the one with conditions wanting her to be my partner that behaved by my ideals. And how this is controlling and not accepting her for who she is.

You know what Ive been thru wth 7 recycles... .this is how they break you down. NO. You have a set of conditions that you know work for you... .is allowing her to be with other guys... .and then saying thank you for the crumbs you may occasionally bestow on me... .really the kind of life you want?

[Split black]

Sometimes I think about this and realize i was the one with conditions wanting her to be my partner that behaved by my ideals. And how this is controlling and not accepting her for who she is.

Blimblam. This point right here has totally changed my perspective on my relationship. Its helping me change for the better. Im actually planning on apologizing and bringing this up to her when we meet next again. Obviously in a very basic non triggereing way. But I want her to see that i accept her and she is free to be herself and i will still love her. That to me is unconditional love. Some may see it as foolish. I see it as the wisdom to learn a lesson in the true context that love is not just a feeling. Its an action that perserves no matter the cost no matter the stake. And it takes alot of self sacrifice. And maybe in this case one end is sustaining it longer, more frequently. But i guess i have enough compassion and understanding to to accept this. Her form of love is enough for me. 

Plus the path of control only leads to engulfment and triggers the detached protector. Something i dont want either of us to have to deal with anymore... at least minimilize the severity of said trigger when it inevitably does happen i suppose?

You are returning to the bargining stage of a breakup.  Trust me... .  you dont want to be in a relationship with someone who cant respect you. And who will continually be with other guys... .do you?   Read my sad story for perspective on what NOT to do. Just sayin'.