who filed for the divorce?

[RR4U]

I continue to go back and forth with the idea of divorce.  Just wondering how many BPD spouses dfiled or did the healthy spouse have to file. He constantly brings up divorce telling me hes not happy and how much hes trying but it is just meant to be.  I respond I understand.  And I get your just another person who will leave me. For  5 years it has been back and forth.

So my question is do they ever file or am I going to have to just do it?

[Pou]

I continue to go back and forth with the idea of divorce.  Just wondering how many BPD spouses dfiled or did the healthy spouse have to file. He constantly brings up divorce telling me hes not happy and how much hes trying but it is just meant to be.  I respond I understand.  And I get your just another person who will leave me. For  5 years it has been back and forth.

So my question is do they ever file or am I going to have to just do it?

RR4U, this is a tough question.  My NPDw does the same thing and I used to respond yes, we should.  And then ended up her making stuff up about me and we both ended in the police station.  So now, I hold myself back whenever she screams for divorce.  My interpretation is this, if you start to outwardly agree, his screaming is kind of testing you and once he knows you feel the same way, he may start to think about how to gain control in a divorce process.  My experience with PDs are that they are irrationally control freaks.  So if you have kids, he may think ways by fabricating stuff or paint you in such a way that you are an unfit parent to gain control of the kids.  If you have assets, he may start to plan things out how to take most of your share away from you and etc.  My feel on this is that you need to want out for yourself and not because he screams for divorce.  If you just have enough with his PD behaviors and it is hurting you, perhaps you will have to try to live apart (separation) for a while and see how he responds.  Or you may just have to file the papers first to protect yourself, otherwise if he thinks you are going to do it and giving that he has PD, there is no knowing what kind of stuff he could make up and leaving you having to address those.  The law protects normal people but also embolden the PDs, because they have very different value system then the nons.  If you can put up with his PD behaviors and they have been manageable … perhaps you do want to work it out and maybe you should just let him know that you don't like to hear the word divorce all the time because it really hurts the relationship, and see how he responds.  Every PD is different and he may just respond positively… good luck.

[love2give]

I joined this forum needing help getting over my exBPD girlfriend and quickly realized my ex wife was a different type of BPD but she is also one none the less.

I was with her for 24 years.  Family vacations twice a year, three cars, she decided to stay home when the children were born ect and I went along with it all.  In 2009 I explained to her that if things didn't get better I would have to leave the relationship as it was damaging our children.

Went to couples therapy only to have to hear time and time again how EVERY single issue was my fault.  In early 2010 I went to fill out the papers for divorce at my lawyers office.  When I advised her of this she started crying.  I did not sign the papers.  Hoping this would be a wake-up call for her, I gave it another year and a half.  Little did I know that after I went to fill out those papers, she went to a womens abuse center to start a "case" against me.

Well fast forward to late 2011 and I could not take it anymore so I signed and had her served with divorce papers.  Since that day she has waged WAR against me in the courts for the custody of my children (she wanted full custody).  She had me arrested in 2013, I was then found not guilty and the judge flat out called her a liar.

I am one to NEVER EVER give up on my kids so just last week I was back in a three day trial for them again.  Sad to say but family courts are a big joke.  This woman has been caught in lies every step of the way yet her acting skills in court (the victim) get her what she wants.

Her main points against me seeing as I don't drink nor smoke.  I abused her for 24,  Its "my way or the highway",  I got sexually aroused by my daughter (that one destroyed me), the kids only want shared custody because I bought a dog, and I can go on and on.

To get back to topic, even though she had 24 years to file for divorce from "horrible" me, she did not and I had to and now she tells the courts "He beat me to the punch, I was going to file but he just went as I was about to".

On a positive note, leaving her was THE BEST DECISION I have ever made

[Pou]

I joined this forum needing help getting over my exBPD girlfriend and quickly realized my ex wife was a different type of BPD but she is also one none the less.

I was with her for 24 years.  Family vacations twice a year, three cars, she decided to stay home when the children were born ect and I went along with it all.  In 2009 I explained to her that if things didn't get better I would have to leave the relationship as it was damaging our children.

Went to couples therapy only to have to hear time and time again how EVERY single issue was my fault.  In early 2010 I went to fill out the papers for divorce at my lawyers office.  When I advised her of this she started crying.  I did not sign the papers.  Hoping this would be a wake-up call for her, I gave it another year and a half.  Little did I know that after I went to fill out those papers, she went to a womens abuse center to start a "case" against me.

Well fast forward to late 2011 and I could not take it anymore so I signed and had her served with divorce papers.  Since that day she has waged WAR against me in the courts for the custody of my children (she wanted full custody).  She had me arrested in 2013, I was then found not guilty and the judge flat out called her a liar.

I am one to NEVER EVER give up on my kids so just last week I was back in a three day trial for them again.  Sad to say but family courts are a big joke.  This woman has been caught in lies every step of the way yet her acting skills in court (the victim) get her what she wants.

Her main points against me seeing as I don't drink nor smoke.  I abused her for 24,  Its "my way or the highway",  I got sexually aroused by my daughter (that one destroyed me), the kids only want shared custody because I bought a dog, and I can go on and on.

To get back to topic, even though she had 24 years to file for divorce from "horrible" me, she did not and I had to and now she tells the courts "He beat me to the punch, I was going to file but he just went as I was about to".

On a positive note, leaving her was THE BEST DECISION I have ever made

love2give, people like you should speak out more.  For every man who mention something like this, there are 100 of them out there suffered in silence.  Men are not creatures who like to voice out being a victim in a domestic situation and that is just the way we are.  When women starts a club that only for women, we thought that is good and move on.  When men starts a club with only men, some woman would cry gender discrimination.  I don't want to make it a gender thing, but if you look at our court system, it works by who every screams the loudest and complaints the most gets the benefit.  There are so many men being abused by the legal system because PD women raise false allegations.  I spoke to attorneys and they recognize this and the legal system knows that there is a problem.  When comes to the solutions, they said they can not do anything because the women rights group will scream that if the legal system punishes a woman who make false allegations it will deter other real "victims" to come forward.  Everyone knows how expensive and mentally draining the legal process is and when it involves kids in your case, it is even hurts more.  I for one, does not want my kids to be dragged into this ugliness just because I have a PD partner.  But what are the choices?  RR4U, this been said, being a woman in our legal system has its advantages.  Yo will find that everyone is essentially positioned to "listen" to you and even make "suggestions" that how bad your partner may have been to you (that you may not even know or aware of).  Regardless, you will also have be cautious of your PD husband may make up things to accuse you, in any event, it will be something you will have to address in court.  love2give, there are all these special interest group set up as non-profit that supposedly to help women and the only way to justify their existence is to make sure number of evil men goes up.  Of course, not all women assistance groups are like that, but unfortunately it is human nature for system to spin toward that direction, men or women.  Love2give, thanks again for sharing your experience and they are important to hear.

[RR4U]

Im happy to say there are no children involved at this time. Just a house and 2  dogs.  I want a family soon and thays the hard part right now he will always be this person right now all I have to protect is me.   We have done counseling and she saw the outbursts he has so if needed ill have her brought into court.

Just have to come up with a way to protect me as I dont think he will ever do it... .

[Nomad1027]

I filed first. My lawyer suggested I do so, given that:

(1) I am a man and family courts generally favor women over men,

(2) She was in the process of getting ready to file, and

(3) If I filed first, on the grounds of her mental illness and alcoholism, then she would have to "defend" against that before her counter claims could be heard.

If I waited for her to file first, and then counter-sued with claims of mental illness and addiction, my case would have been weaker and less credible.  After all, if she is a crazy drunk, why didn't I leave sooner? If it is so bad, why did I not do something about it until AFTER she filed?

If your spouse have BPD, do yourself a favor and file first.  Then hang on and surround yourself with support.

I suggest you buy a copy of a book called "Splitting: Protecting yourself while divorcing someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder". It will prepare you to speak with your lawyer and help you expect (and counter) the crazy, defamatory claims your BPD spouse is going to make.

I won't mince words. Divorce hurts. Divorcing a BPD hurts and it is psychologically straining to boot. But if it is bad enough to consider divorce, then chances are you have already gone beyond the point of anything reasonable.  Protect yourself, your kids, your life's work and get out as quickly and as intact as possible.  It doesn't get better if you stay.  It will eventually get better when you are divorced and moving forward with healing yourself.

[SpringInMyStep]

My wife and I actually came to the agreement together to get a divorce, it's just that we had the delusion at that time that we would be able to be friends or even "restructure our relationship". That didn't happen. We had a blow-out, she moved out, and a few days later I contacted a lawyer and filed. Even though we both agreed this was the best thing, I'm the one who got it started faster than she expected.

[Popcorn71]

My wife and I actually came to the agreement together to get a divorce, it's just that we had the delusion at that time that we would be able to be friends or even "restructure our relationship". That didn't happen. We had a blow-out, she moved out, and a few days later I contacted a lawyer and filed. Even though we both agreed this was the best thing, I'm the one who got it started faster than she expected.

Similar situation here.  He told me he didn't want me anymore and I told him that if he felt that way I would file for divorce.  From the day he got the papers he kept saying he didn't want a divorce.  However, he was playing happy families with the replacement so I went ahead and divorced him anyway.  I don't think he really thought I'd do it and until I found out about the replacement I think he was probably intending to come back to me at some point but he wanted to be in control and choose when.  I didn't give him that option.

[imstronghere2]

Married for 19.5 years and the only thing that ever made my BPDexw happy was when I came home and told her that I talked to a lawyer about getting a divorce.  She smiled like I'd just given her a million dollars.  First thing she did was text all the men she knew that "imstronghere2 and I are getting a divorce.  I'm datable!"   



Coming up on the 3 year anniversary of my divorce and it's refreshing.   

[Lights843]

I did 100% of the work required to file for separation and also divorce. She never said she wanted to separate and she never said she wanted a divorce. She went mute all of the sudden but her lying, cheating and stealing prompted me to start the process in order to protect myself. She signed the separation immediately but seemed reluctant to sign the divorce papers and would come up with an excuse that she never received the documents (certified mail).

[RR4U]

Thanks so much for all the responses.  Its making me realize that its going to be something that I am going to do even after all his threats.  This is exhausting. It might be best for me to just leave everything and just worry about me and no material things.

[love2give]

Thanks so much for all the responses.  Its making me realize that its going to be something that I am going to do even after all his threats.  This is exhausting. It might be best for me to just leave everything and just worry about me and no material things.

It will not be easy but long term you will enjoy life much more.  In the end it is all about being as happy as possible for this short time we are here.  You will one day laugh and smile again believe me 

[Nomad1027]

Thanks so much for all the responses.  Its making me realize that its going to be something that I am going to do even after all his threats.  This is exhausting. It might be best for me to just leave everything and just worry about me and no material things.

I struggled with the material question too.  It was very hard for me, because I was still trying to rescue her.  I make over 5x what she makes in a year and I wanted to "give her a good foundation to build off of" if we were going to divorce.

What I learned is that no good deed goes unpunished.  Once I filed for divorce, she came at me with a vengeance.  She even said "If you get to keep the kids, then I am going to take you for every last penny you have."  She saw the kids as bargaining chips and she could care less about my ability to provide for them later on.

I learned in the divorce that I had to protect myself and my economic health as much as possible, for my well being and that of my children.  I know it seems easier to get out and leave the material behind, but if any of it is rightfully yours, then you can feel justified in fighting for what it yours.  Too long have we given into them and given our time, possessions, heart, and soul to them.  And they take and take and never give, because they are disordered and cannot give.

I cannot tell you what to do.  It is not my business.  The only thing I can possibly offer is to remind yourself that you deserve a better future, you deserve to be happy, and you deserve what is rightfully yours.