Being so very miserable

[PeppermintTea]

Hi All I haven't posted for a while.

I have a dBPDh and two small children D4 and D3.

My dBPDh has been in recognition of the BPD diagnosis and in therapy for over a year now. One of my boundaries (I didn't express it like that but that's what it is) is that for us to remain in a marriage he would have to actively engage in thereapy and work on himself. He has and continues to do this so this shows me he is committed to making things work.

However, he is fundamentally miserable. I mean really really miserable. He is unhappy all the time. I rarely see him smile or laugh, he shows no enthusiasm for anything, his tone is flat, most of the time I can hardly hear him, he withdraws - he is there in body but not in spirit.

I have a hard time with this because I am by nature an optimist and quite a positive, happy person.

dBPDh says we don't have many conversations anymore and that I don't want to spend time with him. This is true unfortunately. This is because whatever conversation I try to start up is shot down in flames by some kind of negative or angry comment. I ask whether he has anything we could chat about he says no. I try to find things we could do (and could arrange a babysitter for). I asked him to come out with me to a comedy night and before I'd got my sentence out he snapped no (at which I was quite mad so I asked my sister to come with me instead). I have invited him to meals out (just the two of us), drinks, cinema - all were either met with a luke warm maybe or an outright no. When I ask what he wants to do he says he doesn't know or nothing.

So basically he seems to want me to sit next to him on the sofa listening to a monologue on why his life is/has been  awful. He is so jealous - if we talk about or see others who look like they're doing well he tells me all the reasons why in his life he has been prevented from doing well. This jealous attitude also extends to me - he hates that I have a job I love and that I have friends and family and hobbies but he doesn't come out and say this or rage he just disengages when I mention something or ask an opinion.

So despite his engagement in therapy and the improvements that have happened and his committment and mine to our marriage I have to ask myself if I can live with this forever. Is there anyone out there who has been in this place with their BPD an it has got better? I would just like someone to share my life with and to love and laugh with. Just to share little moments and to have my feelings matter to them. It's like living with an empty shell of a person. Is this really it? Is it too much to ask for him to take an interest in our life together. It's like he craves my closeness but I have to make that happen he is not going to lift one finger to improve our 'couple life' and yet the lack of it is his biggest complaint.

I know some people are naturally more upbeat than others but this is not 'normal' low mood or whatever. He has been on anti depressants before but says they don't work and won't currently take anything.

Sorry for long post this is just getting to me rather a lot now.

Thanks

PT

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[meerkat1]

PT,

So sorry you are feeling like this. I totally understand. I am feeling very similar.

The more I read and learn about BPD the less hope I have.

I wonder, even with therapy(which she is not), will I ever have a partner I can trust with my feelings. Will I ever have a partner that I can share with, have fun, laugh, relax, and just be able to be myself around.

Sure the people on the board and books say you can do that and you should be yourself and look out for yourself. Use the SET, DEARMAN, validation, boundaries, and etc.

But there are repercussions and consequences of doing that.

I am just not sure I am able to live with the repercussions and consequences if I can't have a partner in life who shows they care about me.