Well,
Its been like a month since my last post, but Im back here.
I recycled... .And ofcourse it didnt work out. Yet in a different way then all the previous recycles. I was willing to give it a shot, but I told him my main priority was me, that I had established boundaries and that just like I had made mistakes with my codependency traits, he had made some big ones too with his BPD. He told me he didnt have BPD... .So I told him, wether or not you do or don't, you own your behavior, I own mine.
For about 2 weeks it went quite ok. I told hin that if this was going to work we needed to work at it and I was taking it 1 day at a time. He agreed and it was going quite decent. The difference this time was I saw what he was doing. Love bombing at the beginning and then slowly trying to manouvre me in the old position I was in. In the past we used to talk all day every day, I told him I wouldnt do that anymore. I kept investing in my friendships and family and maintained a social life. His words said it was fine,... His actions spoke otherwise.
After 2 weeks, drama came back. He had all kinds of issues, money problems and his life sucked. I told him I was very sorry and that I hoped he found a way out of the problems. He got angry cause I didnt try to fix his problems like I used to.
Then the whole you dont care, you dont love me, you dont need me, you play games, you this you that started. I told him I was sorry to hear he felt that way, but that he was wrong and left it at that. Removed myself from the situation and argument telling him I loved him, but didnt want to be disrespected and devaluated like that. If he would be able to have a grown up conversation I would be happy to talk to him.
He went back to being overly loving, tried to pursuade me into marrying him. I kept a somewhat detached aproach to it. Told him we need to be stable first before making desicions like that again. (We've been engaged before)
Then the gaslighting started, the projection of cheating, twisting and turning facts. He wanted to talk to me more and more. But I didnt take the bait. So before I could tell him this wasnt going to work... .He ended it, cause I was a cold hearted b___, I was sick in the head, i didnt want to work at the relationship, i didnt "allow" him to make mistakes... .and so on... .
Im not even sad about it now, a little indifferent. It was prove that it just doesnt work between us. I hope he finds peace some day. I know I will.
So anyway: hi y'all! Back to the boards, back to healing, back to me and the big field of possibilities out there for all of us!
NC day 1/2
