Well in my RS there was 3-4 months of idealisation at the start, and I spoke with a lot of her friends etc who were always telling me how happy she was with me and that she never stopped talking about me etc.
When our RS failed was i got devalued over the period of about a week because her behaviour had become unacceptable to me, I didn't know she had BPD so I was basically like stop messing about here. She had flaked on a few nights out with me at the last minute and I lost patience.
It just seems odd that there was no idealisation phase. Is this common with pwBPD?
This seems to be a lot like my situation. As I read somewhere, if one is a passive and quiet person in the relationship the other has to be active and loud. So I too lost my patience with her a couple times. I think she felt a lot of shame though. We got thru it, unless she was already then looking for a replacement.
The only thing here that is different, is that my ex was hiding most things about herself after our bu. She told me when we split that it was her choice, so she would let me contact her anytime I wanted and she would agree to the type of relationship I wanted to have. I still don't know what that means, just that she never initiated talking to me, but eventually had enough of the push/pull.
And in all fairness I was way to fast for her. She needed a lot of time to process these things and when I didn't get the type of response I hoped for I would get "second thoughts" then write dramatic letters to her. None of this came thru to her as I wanted it to. Eventually I told her I needed a period of NC, that is when everything went to hell. At that point I did something (in her mind) much worse than what she did to me: leave me. Even though I told her how in love I was with her and that I just needed to heal, but would always be there for her if something came up, still she shut me off completely.
Of course I follow her FB time to time and see that she is talking to guys and going out, plus her r/s status changed from single to hidden a day after she told me there is no point in putting up you are in a r/s so quickly. (Don't know if she just hid it or is in a new r/s) A part of me wishes that she would just tell me.
Some part of me holds on to the fact that she will have a lot harder time idealizing someone else because we are so much alike. I guess this is a false notion, being such vulnerable children, who are crying for attention. Since this is such a serious mental condition, I guess they can idealize almost anyone whom they see fit to give them enough attention.
I went through something similar with another girl. I was desperately trying to get over my ex and a girl was interested in getting into a r/s with me, but I felt like I shouldn't, even though I was at first sexually attracted to her. I was trying to make her seem like better r/s material in my mind, but just couldn't get to that point.
Must be really desperate with no self respect to just jump into whatever.
Your case seems like she is trying to get your attention. Not sure of how the texting went down, whether it was out of the blue, or a response to you reaching out. Hard to tell. Maybe she is trying to idealize him as an easy target, but just has a feeling it is not going to end well.
After 4 months I had a couple pleasant conversations with my ex. Of course I realize she is very guarded and doesn't seem to want to open up to me at all.
We see each other at work, and I am always the one who tries to talk to her.
Yesterday she told me she was going to a exhibition on Sunday that I too wanted to go to. I asked her who she was going with and just said "with a boy".
So strange and secretive. Still it was the first time she didn't seem distressed and was in a good mood.
I don't know if I am any color at this point or what I am to her. But I can tell that everything is always about her. It sucks that I still want to contact her, but for now I realize it is not the best thing to do.
Need to be able to let her go, and now I am just angry that I can't stop thinking about her even after 3-4 months.
A part of me thinks if we could be friends again I would be able to move on from my attachment to her. Some part of me thinks I just feel really bad for her, but I think I just still cant bare to deal with the loss I felt from her not being my gf anymore. And after talking to her I wasn't really jealous that she was going out with someone, I just wish she could remember that bond we once felt for each other. Is that even possible I wonder.