Loss of trust/safety

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was trying to figure out why I feel like such a mess these days.   I grew up relatively happy, but with a big bundle of anxiety.   My first real relationship was good until it wasn't, but during that time, I felt even less anxiety. 

I realized a few weeks ago that it was because I felt like I had trust and safety in my life.   Even if there were things I felt like I didn't want to share, ultimately I could feel safe sharing them with someone in my life.   

Now I don't.  I can't share my fears, dreams, wants, desires, and issues because nobody simply listens, and those I should be able to trust tend to mock them or assume that those fears and issues are all about them.    When I'm at my most vulnerable, I have nobody I can talk to.  And I realized that's why I feel so lonely. 

In the past several years I've had a few instances where someone who is only a casual acquaintance has recognized I was in pain and took me aside and talked to me, and I've fallen apart because someone actually cares.   

I feel so lonely so much of the time.   

[mssalty]

I was trying to figure out why I feel like such a mess these days.   I grew up relatively happy, but with a big bundle of anxiety.   My first real relationship was good until it wasn't, but during that time, I felt even less anxiety. 

I realized a few weeks ago that it was because I felt like I had trust and safety in my life.   Even if there were things I felt like I didn't want to share, ultimately I could feel safe sharing them with someone in my life.   

Now I don't.  I can't share my fears, dreams, wants, desires, and issues because nobody simply listens, and those I should be able to trust tend to mock them or assume that those fears and issues are all about them.    When I'm at my most vulnerable, I have nobody I can talk to.  And I realized that's why I feel so lonely. 

In the past several years I've had a few instances where someone who is only a casual acquaintance has recognized I was in pain and took me aside and talked to me, and I've fallen apart because someone actually cares.   

I feel so lonely so much of the time.   

[heartandwhole]

Hi mssalty,

This is a brave post. I'm sorry that you feel lonely    I can relate to a lot of what you have written, even to the part of the casual acquaintance's empathy opening the floodgates. I have a running script in my mind that nobody is interested in my fears, wants, needs, etc., so I just don't express them (that's when I am in touch with them, mind you   ). It can be a painful way to live, because it feels like there is nowhere to turn for support.

I am lucky to have some friends who really listen to me, and support me. I've noticed that I don't always feel safe opening up to them, though. I feel that it's my issue—my fear of being vulnerable—not because they won't or can't be there for me. It's risky to open up, especially when you aren't sure how "safe" it is. I think it's a good idea to start small and really observe the other person's reactions and process your own reactions before going all in (maybe you've already been doing that?).

Do you have any friends or family that you sense would be open to supporting you, mssalty?  People with whom you might take baby steps toward being vulnerable? 

Also, this issue of trust may be about trusting yourself, more than finding trustworthy people. Opening up to people who are self-absorbed or non-empathetic is not something we want to do regularly, but trusting that we have the internal self-support to handle whatever response we get is the key to breaking the pattern, in my opinion. If we don't trust ourselves and our ability to care and support ourselves, we will look outside for someone to trust and feel safe with.

I try to remember that I need to give people a chance to be there for me. It's not easy, but the alternative isn't either, and the reward of learning to trust myself and others is great. I bet there are many people who care very much about you mssalty, and maybe they are waiting for an opportunity to show that to you.   

In the meantime, you can share your dreams and fears with us. I know it's not the same as having someone close, but it can be good practice in gauging your comfort levels with being vulnerable.

This is something I am always working on, too, mssalty, so thank you for your post. It has been a great reminder.

heart

[fromheeltoheal]

I can relate salty, in fact I think all humans experience that loneliness and disconnectedness at some point in our lives.  On the other hand, there's a difference between being lonely and being alone, I do alone without being lonely very well, although since the opening-up of my borderline experience I want more, deeper relationships, and am grateful for the wake-up call.

It's said that to create and enforce healthy boundaries with people we should share-check-share, meaning express a little vulnerability to someone, notice how it was received and if it was reciprocated, and then share more, and if the other person does reciprocate a relationship gets built.  Lately I've been opting for the sledgehammer approach instead: let fly with who I am right away, which for me is much easier and takes less work, see what I get, and if it isn't positive, which is more than half the time, I'm gone, on to the next.  There may be more elegant ways to navigate a social landscape, but right now it's working and I don't care.  It's said that it takes courage to express vulnerability, which it does, but as H&W says, as long as I know I'll be OK with me regardless, it's really just a matter of getting out of my own way and letting fly.  I've spent way too much of my life judging myself and I no longer care; here I am, warts and all, and if you don't like me or want to develop a relationship with me that's OK, but I'm going to let fly with who I am regardless, and some people really like me.  So there.

Another thing I've been investigating is attachment styles.  There are three, secure, anxious and avoidant, and I have an anxious one, no doubt.  I've learned that an anxious/avoidant paring is bad news, and my ex was extremely avoidant in the end, which skyrocketed my anxiousness:  BPD is a personality disorder not an attachment style, but the end result was the same at that point in the relationship.  And the good news is if someone with an anxious style, someone who needs a lot of assurances in the relationship, gets together with someone with a secure style, who expresses those assurances easily and naturally, the anxious person could end up more secure.

Kinda went off on that, but I bring it up because you sound like me, and the whole concept goes beyond romantic relationships and applies to every relationship we're in.  It's about effective communication and being emotionally brave, about asking for what we want and need instead of engaging in protest behavior, as it's called, about communicating openly and honestly when we're calm and doing well, instead of spewing things we might regret when we're stressed, making it worse.

Rambling.  I hope this site is helping with your loneliness a little, and remember, a therapist or counselor is someone we pay to listen and be unwaveringly empathetic; we don't necessarily need to go see one for some heavy psychological issue, and I've found once you practice in that environment it's easier in the real world.  Take care of you!