How do I build new relationships with my scars still there?

[dutchmaster617]

Hi guys, I always loved this place but of course I always leave thinking I am all set.

I will try to stay on subject without rambling, I apologize in advance if I fail to do so.

Anyways I have been involved with a gfBPD for around 9 years, I have known about it and maybe read this site last 5 years but I always screw up and bow out. I actually had my second kid with her in 2013 like an idiot. So I have 2 kids (5 and 1) and me and her are both 24.

So basically everyone from my parents, siblings, friends, strangers, therapists, members here of course they all say MOVE ON. I went some time here and there moving on but I always relapse, I am no stranger to relapse as I have been a struggling alcoholic almost 4 years now.

To skip the BS, I meet lots of women and some were no good but some may just have been, I always push them away, I go through women like glasses of water. My issue is I feel we might be in the honeymoon stage where they seem good but I don't want to waste a year or even 6 months with a woman who turns out to be BPD and turns on me like my ex and mother of my kids did.

How do you who have moved on and found a solid partner how have you dealt with this? That relationship was awesome but now I feel like it was the absolute biggest mistake of my life, not to make excuses but it is part of the reason I drink so heavily, when I first joined here I didn't even care for alcohol, but I didn't take the advice serious ENOUGH and I went back to my vicious leech of a partner, only to come out worse.

So I meet women and I just have ZERO trust in them, I expect them to cheat, lie, and abuse me at some point.

I know the key saying is 'give it time' but me and my exBPD haven't spent a night together or more than maybe two hours all of 2014, I feel like if all year isn't enough time then when is? I don't want to find a relationship when I am balding and no longer able to date a fertile woman, I don't want kids now but a third does come to mind.

I always tend to push women away because I am pretty straight forward and cold, I don't want to do the romantic dance if I feel it will end up being fake, so that is my question here.

I have spoken to 4 doctors, 2 therapists, multiple AA members, multiple strangers on and offline, not to mention friends and family. The general idea is that I am impatient and naive, I can agree, I just can't see me building up a tower again after mine was destroyed in a matter of minutes.

To stray off subject, my relationship for months with the exBPD is essentially MON-THU (I love you, glad you are sober, I want to see you, get therapy blah blah)... .Fri when I get the kids and she claims to pack her stuff and spend the weekend or even just that night, she keeps one foot by the car and the other by the bus stop, and nothing will convince her not to run off to spend a weekend with other men (fri-sun I am ignored ignored ignored, sometimes I get 'tomorrow' but then tomorrow I get 'tomorrow again)... .cycle repeats on Monday and this goes for months. I always fall for it.

If I am sober all week, I might end up relapsing after the weekend of lies and expecting her to see me and not others, if I give her money she is gone for days, and I never get anything back, therefore when I date a new woman I am selfish and I come off as a dick but what do I say "Oh my ex played me every time so I can't trust you" that turns EVERY woman off, so I just cut my ties with them, and it sucks.

In closing I always read of NC, how do you go NC with someone who has your kids MON-FRI, I know just discuss school and all, but just her voice is enough to bring my feelings in, I can't do slightly no contact, so do I just ignore my kids issues until FRI? Sorry for the rant, I just needed to at least type this because I really want to go hurt her soo bad and I know my kids don't deserve that, thank you!

[Recooperating]

Hey dutchmaster,

Sorry to hear about your struggle.

Since I dont have any kids with my exBPDbf I cant really advice you on how to deal with the co-parenting, but your questions may well be answered in the co-parenting section of these boards. NC isnt a possibility for you, I agree, but you could try LC. Low contact.

If her voice is triggering for you, ask her to communicate mainly via email. You can choose when you read the mails (read ready to read her mail) and you can carefully choose a response, instead of reacting in the moment on the phone.

As far as the dating part (there's also a "new relationship" section here that might help)... .

In my case, I wont be ready for a new rs gor quite some time. I need to heal first. Im in my almost mid- 30ies. I have a strong wish for a stable relationship and start a family. Time is ticking for me... .But I really do believe I need to get out of the chaos in my head, do some soulsearching, regain my selfesteem, work on setting boundaries and trusting my instincts.

Like you; right now I would be paranoid in a rs! Wondering when all BS would start and wondering if he'll be lying and cheating all the time too!

Its just not the right time yet and god knows how long it will take.

I can choose to pusue a rs now and rush into things and the rs will fall apart (which would take even more time) Or I can choose getting healthy myself first with greater chances of getting in a healthy rs in the end. I've chosen the last.

My advice although cliche... .Work on you, on your drinking, be there for your children (having a BPD mom isnt easy for them, so having a stable father will make a great difference. With that I dont imply she's a bad mother btw.) once you're in a peacefull place, dating should be easier and better.

Good luck and best wishes for you!