Question about projection with borderlines

[BlackandBlue]

When I think back to some of the mean and hurtful things my exBPDgf said to me when she was ragging after the BU happened and I'm just blown away and have no idea how she could even say such nonsense. For instance, she told me that I treated her like $hit when in actuality I treated her like a queen. Could this be seen as projection because she feels guilty for treating me like $hit so she's going to project that feeling on to me?

[Infern0]

When mine was in rage mode and accusing me of all sorts I was like wut.

I got accused of being abusive,  crazy,  manipulative,  a liar etc.

After a while I realised she was just accusing me of everything she has done.

It's odd, for some reason projection actually doesn't work on me,  like at all. Her rages never really hurt me it's more just her not being around that gets me,  or when we were together I'd hate it when she was down,  it really upset me.

The rage I can take,  not sure what that says about me

[Tibbles]

For me the rages were about my ex getting rid of his emotional fear of rejection and abandonment. I don't think he really understood what he said when in this state, or remembered it afterwards. It was all about his emotional release and that took up all his emotional energy. It was never logical or made any sense at all. I also think he projected his feelings of worthlessness onto me and his kids. I don't think he felt guilty when in this state - he just had these feelings he had to get rid of.

[letmeout]

The constant projecting was worse than the rages. Rages come and go with a BPD  but the daily projecting will drive you insane.  It got to the point that he couldn't see reality at all anymore, that is when I had to leave, to protect my own mental health.  

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, those with BPD do project, that is true, but it could be that she truly believes what she is saying. My uBPDh projects all the time, but it's more in the form of him laying blame on me, or thinking I'm doing what he has a habit of doing(like lying).

I think though that sometimes people with BPD truly do believe this stuff they are spouting. It doesn't make it any more true, but I think they really believe it sometimes. Their reality is based on what they FEEL, and what they fear. We Nons know that just because we feel something, it isn't always based on reality, and just because we feel a certain way doesn't mean we should act on it. Like if we were mad at our boss. We may imagine or feel like we want to tell them off. Well, the person with BPD, feel justified to do so lots of times. My uBPDh actually called his boss a Pussy(excuse the language), in front of others. He felt justified, and he lacks impulse control. He let his FEELINGS, mainly anger, do his thinking for him.

Either way though, it doesn't matter if they really believe what they are saying or not. I struggle with this, but I remind myself that even if uBPDh says hateful things, it doesn't make them true. The best thing you can do is not dwell on it. And those with BPD seem to have a talent for taking a tiny grain of truth, and twisting it, and making it into something entirely else. My Mom always says "consider the source", and that is true. Consider who is telling you these things, and try not to take them to heart.

[BlackandBlue]

Thank you all for replying,  I really do appreciate it as I'm still learning about this disorder. I try not to dwell on what she said but I'm a sensitive person and it's not easy. What's odd is that days prior she said that I was the best boyfriend she ever had and suddenly I treated her like $hit? Makes no sense! Then again,  they never make sense. But during the relationship the projecting (if that's what it would be considered in this case) was what worn me out the most... .The constant accusations of looking at other women, looking at porn, taking to ex girlfriends, planning on leaving her, etc... .none of which was true! In a fit of rage one time she reduced me to tears and screamed that I am NEVER to talk to another woman! She was always fearful i would strike up a conversation like her and i did and hit it off with someone else and leave her. It didn't matter how much i told her i wasn't going anywhere, it never sank in.

[camuse]

Mine said I'd treated her appallingly and that was why she was leaving, but then said I was the nicest person she knew and she was desperate to be friends.

The projection is quite creepy when you understand it.

Same as you, any interaction with a female caused rage - in the end I avoided eye contact with any women, but even that wasn't enough - if she thought they were lookign at me, it was because I encouraged it  

Basically, she just kept going until she found something to rage about, or made something up. I feel sad for her, but also a bit silly for letting her project when I should have been confident enough to let it wash over me.

But mine would often wait until very late at night to start the rage and it was disorientating to be woken by it, and very hard to think straight.

The projection wasn't an issue at first, it was the drip drip effect over months that wore me down.

[BlackHoleSun]

When mine was in rage mode and accusing me of all sorts I was like wut.

I got accused of being abusive,  crazy,  manipulative,  a liar etc.

After a while I realised she was just accusing me of everything she has done.

It's odd, for some reason projection actually doesn't work on me,  like at all. Her rages never really hurt me it's more just her not being around that gets me,  or when we were together I'd hate it when she was down,  it really upset me.

The rage I can take,  not sure what that says about me

Same here! The rages themselves and the things she said during the rages didn't bother me in the slightest. Some of the things she said i was... .

Manipulative, controlling, possessive, clingy, jealous, a liar, a psychopath, obsessive, a stalker etc.

So yeah, funnily enough all of the things she came across as herself! It was blindingly obvious she was projecting what she felt about herself onto me. I'd just sit and listen and let her get on with it but ALWAYS made sure she knew i wasn't any of the things she claimed i was.

Whilst the rages didn't bother me, the unpredictability of WHEN she would rage, did start to get to me. One minute she would be fine, next minute... .BOOM! Never really knew what to expect. That's when i started to figure out some of her triggers. Oh yeah, she said a few times she felt like she was "walking on eggshells" when she was around me too. Ha ha ha.

Thing is though, as the relationship went on, the rages stopped and i'm still not sure why. It was almost like she couldn't be arsed anymore, as she realised i wasn't remotely bothered by them! She would still argue now and again but wouldn't rage.

I also started to wonder whether she did actually believe half the stuff she said, or if it was purposefully designed to hurt me or punish me in some way, or maybe to make excuses for her own actions.

[camuse]

When mine was in rage mode and accusing me of all sorts I was like wut.

I got accused of being abusive,  crazy,  manipulative,  a liar etc.

After a while I realised she was just accusing me of everything she has done.

It's odd, for some reason projection actually doesn't work on me,  like at all. Her rages never really hurt me it's more just her not being around that gets me,  or when we were together I'd hate it when she was down,  it really upset me.

The rage I can take,  not sure what that says about me

Same here! The rages themselves and the things she said during the rages didn't bother me in the slightest. Some of the things she said i was... .

Manipulative, controlling, possessive, clingy, jealous, a liar, a psychopath, obsessive, a stalker etc.

So yeah, funnily enough all of the things she came across as herself! It was blindingly obvious she was projecting what she felt about herself onto me. I'd just sit and listen and let her get on with it but ALWAYS made sure she knew i wasn't any of the things she claimed i was.

Whilst the rages didn't bother me, the unpredictability of WHEN she would rage, did start to get to me. One minute she would be fine, next minute... .BOOM! Never really knew what to expect. That's when i started to figure out some of her triggers. Oh yeah, she said a few times she felt like she was "walking on eggshells" when she was around me too. Ha ha ha.

Thing is though, as the relationship went on, the rages stopped and i'm still not sure why. It was almost like she couldn't be arsed anymore, as she realised i wasn't remotely bothered by them! She would still argue now and again but wouldn't rage.

I also started to wonder whether she did actually believe half the stuff she said, or if it was purposefully designed to hurt me or punish me in some way, or maybe to make excuses for her own actions.

You did well!

The first rage I just ignored, and she accepted it was out of order the next day (but didnt actually apologise) and blamed it on stress.

The second - the biggest ever - I just stood back and let it happen. Lasted 5 hours, was absolutely like nothing I ever saw before. I knew I i'd nothing wrong, and the next day she went to the doctor who gave her anti-rage drugs of some kind. Again no actual apology.

Subsequent rages I started trying to reason with her, but it was so hopeless - the conversations went no where and I was becoming very tired and exhausted and starting to question myself. Once I got angry and she cut her own arm in front of me in response. Another time in public I refused to join in and she started crying in front of passers by who must have thought I'd hit her or something

I dont think there was any correct response, she was going to rage regardless of what I did or said and they made very little sense at all.

But what was weird was after we finally broke up, I began falling for the projection - the attempt at friendship was probably more damaging than the actual relationship. I'm not sure why this was, but the guilt kicked in then, when it was over. But after time I felt angry with myself for every letting her project onto me.

[fred6]

When I think back to some of the mean and hurtful things my exBPDgf said to me when she was ragging after the BU happened and I'm just blown away and have no idea how she could even say such nonsense. For instance, she told me that I treated her like $hit when in actuality I treated her like a queen. Could this be seen as projection because she feels guilty for treating me like $hit so she's going to project that feeling on to me?

Funny this thread should come up. My exBPD saw me on Facebook a couple hours ago and posted this meme. I'll assume that it was posted directly at me.



Now keep in mind that I did most of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, taking her out, and giving her money. She was always told that she was loved and appreciated. Her words about me were that I take care of her, I'm good to her, I love her, and this is the best relationship she's ever had. However, aside from those words, she rarely ever did anything for me or thanked me. She actually took me for granted. So my feeling is that her post is a projection of herself taking me for granted and not appreciating all of the things that I have done for her. I'm the people pleaser and she's the one that cheated, lied, and broke up with me. She's just trying to hurt me because I told her that she couldn't make me not love her. So she's trying to make me not love her. Crazy scary stuff... .

[letmeout]

I think they force themselves to believe their projections since they can not accept any responsibility for the way they behave.

[Blimblam]

I think they force themselves to believe their projections since they can not accept any responsibility for the way they behave.

I agree. To further expand I think they don't understand why they do it which is a large source if the shame involved.

at the same time we projected also and don't think we recognize our own projections and perhaps why we do it.

[letmeout]

I agree. To further expand I think they don't understand why they do it which is a large source if the shame involved.

at the same time we projected also and don't think we recognize our own projections and perhaps why we do it. [/quote]
Do you mean when we tried to get them to act normal and think logically? Were we projecting?

[Blimblam]

I agree. To further expand I think they don't understand why they do it which is a large source if the shame involved.

at the same time we projected also and don't think we recognize our own projections and perhaps why we do it.

Do you mean when we tried to get them to act normal and think logically? Were we projecting? [/quote]
Yes we projecting our need to understand. This projection was a reflection of our relationship with our parents and a reflection of our desire to understand ourselves. Also a reflection of how we would like to see ourselves as an adult while denying and punishing our own inner child. Which was a reflection our exs desire to see herself as an adult and punish her innershild through you.

[letmeout]

very interesting

[ajr5679]

my ex woulds rage at me and i just took it. when she would tell people things about me or how i hurt her . she new this would get under my skin. i got in trouble all the time for not waking up happy.

[letmeout]

I got in trouble all the time whenever my ex would awake from a dream and accuse me of flirting with someone in the dream; he would rage like it happened in real life.

He seriously thought all his dreams really happened.

[Turkish]

When I think back to some of the mean and hurtful things my exBPDgf said to me when she was ragging after the BU happened and I'm just blown away and have no idea how she could even say such nonsense. For instance, she told me that I treated her like $hit when in actuality I treated her like a queen. Could this be seen as projection because she feels guilty for treating me like $hit so she's going to project that feeling on to me?

Funny this thread should come up. My exBPD saw me on Facebook a couple hours ago and posted this meme. I'll assume that it was posted directly at me.

Of course that was directed at you. Mine posted something similar from #Teen District (this was a 31 year old prefessional woman) only with the image of some rapper saying how if you didn't appreciate her, there was always someone else to step in. Interestingly, it didn't get a single like, even from some of her friends who may have enabled her. I think I blocked her the next day (which took her two weeks to figure out, and she wondered why). She lived in my house for three more months, doing her thing.  

[BlackandBlue]

I got in trouble all the time whenever my ex would awake from a dream and accuse me of flirting with someone in the dream; he would rage like it happened in real life.

He seriously thought all his dreams really happened.

It's interesting you should bring up dreams cause my exBPDgf had nightmares and bad dreams constantly about either me leaving her for another woman or of me telling her she was no good. She never lashed out or blame me for them but they would really mess with her and she often thought they were real. This dreams happened almost nightly.

[Turkish]

My mom forced me into family therapy when I was 13, only to abandon me after one joint session (she went off on me when I brought something up. The T didn't intervene. I thereafter trusted neither of them). 25 years later she shared that the T said I was one of the most well adjusted young men he'd ever met. I shared about myself, but I didn't talk about her. I knew it would get back to her. I was also reticent about being honest with the CPS guy a year later who almost took me (better the situation I knew rather than going back into foster care). Just a few months ago, my mom finally shared that she was given a subtle dX of BPD by one of her therapists 20 years ago or so. There are many legitimate reasons that i can think of why she wasn't given a hard dX.

Shortly after I moved in with my Ex, I was told I was a bad communicator (avoidant? Sometimes,.but she is the only person in my life who's told me that, and every work performance review for the past 23 years has said the opposite). So I signed up for a couples' communication class. She said, "have a good time, I hope it helps." My jaw dropped, amd I said, "it's a couples' class." She sighed and said ok, she'd go too. We both enjoyed the class actually.

Then there was the sex therapy she "forced" me into (here was where I should have run, and this was the condition of our only recycle)... the doc made it clear, "this is a relationship, and both parties need to attend, no matter who blames who or thinks what." I could feel her anger and resentment seething off of her the two sessions she was there, afterwards abandoning me. I went one final time. After describing her behaviors and my frustrations, both female doctors said "of course your body would react like that!" The younger female doctor was very pretty, I'll add. My Ex blamed me for my age or smoking. After that last session, which validated me, I never had a problem again, not once in almost 5 years, and I often was able to keep going after she was done.

A year ago, she lured me into couples' counseling at the suggestion of her T, who had been treating her for a few years and finally diagnosed her with depression. She said her T also told her to not impulsively leave me, but she was lying to her T about she not having a replacement on the side. Again, like BPD mom, she abandoned me after one joint session. She had two individual sessions and then quit. The affair was out, but she also lied to him about that ending.

Unlike with my mom, I made this T my own, and was very honest, even arguing with him to dX me with something. I have Rescuer traits, I made poor choices, but there's nothing wrong with me... I found something she wrote to my replacement on our computer "Turkish has been nicer to me lately. I think the therapy is really helping him." No empathy or accountability. It did fir sure, but not in the way she thought! I had found my way here by then, too, and fellow Leavers, as well as the info here were invaluable.

I saw her today when I picked up the kids. I got there early to avoid her. She arrived in time to see the kids off (which was unnecessary and not normally done by her, though that's certainly her right). She was saccharine, "how are you doing?" It was sincere, but I was shorter than BIFF, just B, "Fine." The kids came down the steps and out the security gate at that moment. S4 passed right by her without acknowledging, ":)adeee!" She said, "what, no hi for Mommy?" "Oh, hi mommy," he replied as he jumped off the steps into my arms. She intercepted D2 before she could pass. I know the kids love their mom, but it was a little amusing to me...

[Pingo]

When I think back to some of the mean and hurtful things my exBPDgf said to me when she was ragging after the BU happened and I'm just blown away and have no idea how she could even say such nonsense. For instance, she told me that I treated her like $hit when in actuality I treated her like a queen. Could this be seen as projection because she feels guilty for treating me like $hit so she's going to project that feeling on to me?

I don't know if it's guilt but mine definitely projected throughout the r/s and I wish I understood this whole 'projection' and what it was.  All I knew is that he was jealous, suspicious, paranoid and possessive and I had not given him one single reason to feel this way.  I am about as honorable as you can get!  I would never have screwed around on him.  In the beginning of the r/s I just believed his stories about being screwed around on so figured with time he'd see I was very trustworthy and stop with all the foolishness.  Nope.  Never stopped.  Then I find out after we split that he had been lying to me and had a replacement lined up (maybe all along, who the hell knows).  So it was all projection. 

After we broke up he told me I was a selfish b*tch, I never loved him and don't claim I did.  I was incapable of love and it's no wonder two men left me at the alter (an exaggeration) and they were the smart ones!  Such ridiculous claims as I had given him so much affection and love throughout our r/s, above and beyond what any sane person would have done!  A couple months after the split we had an email exchange where he accused me of lying about seeing a counsellor and that I 'wallow in self-pity'!  Ha!  I am the opposite of someone who wallows in self-pity, I'm a 'glass half full' kind of person.  And since he had always claimed he was seeing a counsellor for the last 8 yrs it makes me wonder if she was just a fictional character now that he has accused me about lying about that as well.  My email response to this accusation:  "Here's my psychologist's name and number... .and please give me your counsellor's number as I wish to speak to her".  Haven't got a response yet and that was about two months ago!

[JB8888]

A week into my BU with my uBPDexgf (I still didn't know about BPD when we split) she imploded my phone with abusive texts about what I had been doing that week since we broke up. We still hadn't disconnected on Find my Friends (her insistence). All week, I had done nothing except work and then see close friends one on one, usually at their house, to tell them we had broken up and was home and in bed by 9pm. I didn't drink, I just wanted to start healing.

She on the other hand had barely slept at home and was out every night at restaurants/bars or various friends houses til 5am. So she starts firing off  "I KNOW YOU'RE AT S's HOUSE?" (a friend who throws big house parties often) followed by a barrage of abuse about how she was hurt I was having loads of fun since the breakup.

I had great pleasure in telling her "Yes, I am at S's house - she's in bed recovering from the massive surgery she undertook today and I'm sitting here minding her for a couple hours until her mom can come take over. It's party time here. You're really missing out!" before of course being drawn into the FOG and calming her down. I wish I hadn't but I didn't know about this then. I did immediately delete that Find my Friends app. Scary.

I love how during our BU all my ex cares about is her social life or mine and her lack of access to it, even though she parties and/or drinks every night.

[hurting300]

Geez I'm so jealous of you guys. I wish mine would have raged . Being cold and silent is no fun.

[Deeno02]

Geez I'm so jealous of you guys. I wish mine would have raged . Being cold and silent is no fun.

i feel ya... mine only raged once or twice towards the end. Otherwise, cold and silent, with a touch of snarky

[hurting300]

Geez I'm so jealous of you guys. I wish mine would have raged . Being cold and silent is no fun.

i feel ya... mine only raged once or twice towards the end. Otherwise, cold and silent, with a touch of snarky

the silent types are honestly more deadly and harmful.

[Deeno02]

Yep.Im damaged by this horribly.

[hurting300]

Yep.Im damaged by this horribly.

you know, it's going to be ok. I promise you man. Your gonna find another non psycho girl one day and she'll show you how what a good woman is.

[myself]

My ex raged/acted out, and went silent.

None of those were very good. Hurtful, yes.

Let go of the projections. They don't define who we are.

[letmeout]

My ex raged/acted out, and went silent.

Mine did all of those too, and I liked it when he went into cold stone silent mode, sometimes for weeks. Even though it could be unnerving, it was a nice reprieve from the raging and bad behavior. I would rather watch him sulk and ignore me than to talk crazy and throw tantrums in his dysregulated state of mind.