Gobsmacked

[Front runner]

Hi All,

I've been on this board on and off for about two years.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with 'emotionally unstable personality disorder' (BPD)by a top psychiatrist

And the diagnosis was backed up by my psychotherapist who I've been seeing for two years

I guess I had an unstable upbringing suffered delusions when younger unstable relationships throughout my life. Nightmare parents eating disorders alcohol abuse. Clinging on obsessively to unhealthy relationships through a chronic fear of abandonment. And generally spent most of my adult life in a black hole of bottomless despair.

This probably means my ex was a psychopath as apparently they mince people with BPD.

I guess the journey for me starts now. Wishing you all the best of luck

[Turkish]

Front runner,

That's very brave to share, and I'm glad you have a starting point for your journey. I hope that you learned a lot here which can help you as well, both for future relationships and also for yourself. You sound hopeful and I wish you the best 

Turkish

[enlighten me]

Hi Front runner

I would like to say how sorry I am that you have been confirmed as having BPD. As a long term user of this board there is probably so much that you can do to help others here with you being a pwBPD. The fact that you have the inside track so to speak would help a lot of us gain greater understanding of what a pwBPD has to go through on a daily basis. Because you've spent so much time here then hopefully it wont be as triggering for you as it might be for someone who has just learnt about BPD.

I look forward to reading any future posts you may write.

Good luck

EM

[Recooperating]

Hi Front runner,

I agree with the previous posts, very brave thing to post and admit to. Although its a very hard diagnosis, you have identified the problem and are now able to work on it.

I applaude you for taking responsibility and willingness to do the work.

I also hope its not too triggering for you on this board. A lot of people here were hurt by a pwBPD and we might not respond very empathatic or forgiving to out exes to say the least. Sometimes we (I) generalize too much, and forget we are all individuals walking our own paths with our own struggles. "We cant judge if we havent been in the shoes... ." I am also looking forward to your posts as they may bring insight and forgiveness for many of us.

Lots of strenght, luck and courage to you on your journey.

[Front runner]

My upbringing and early childhood were traumatic. As a result I started suffering delusional episodes (BPD trait) from about aged 12 . I thought I was possessed by the devil for about 3 years which was horrific. Then I seriously questioned my sexuality for the next 3 years suffering extreme paranoia and anxiety (BPD) Fell in love when I was 17 with a 40 year old woman who discarded me (massive abandonment fears) Developed an eating disorder for two years (BPD trait). Obsessed constantly over the loss (BPD trait)

I've lurched from one traumatic relationship to another only falling in 'love' with unavailable women where I'd get severely hurt to the verge of wanting to give up.

I have been unable to have a mutually loving relationship. The thought process might be why do they love me there must be something wrong with them. So chronic low self esteem. To the point of self loathing. So ingrained it's impossible to see a way out. Then cling obsessively to someone who treats you like complete ___. I'm impulsive but wasn't unfaithful to me ex. I was trying to rescue her. Perhaps I saw something of her in me. I have empathy at least according to my therapist. This is one of the lowest points of my life. Everything feels empty the silence is deafening and it feels like I have no one. Certainly no family, although they are there. But the whole lot are just a massive black bin bag of rattlesnakes with disorders galore.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi Front Runner,

This is really brave of you to post about and admit to.  I have frequently questionned myself whether I have BPD. Having had a uBPD mother, and having a history of unhealthy relationships, in which i'm pretty sure I expressed some strong BPD traits, and then connecting like never before with a full blown person with BPD.  That relationship completely catapulted me forward in my emotional life.  It was traumatic, but only because it forced me to look really deeply at myself.  And more recently, I can totally identify with the feeling of being surrounded by rattlesnakes galore. I've started to understand how so many of my relationships (including friendships) are unhealthy and am moving towards trying to make room in my life for healthier people and relationships.

I have a psychatrist friend who told me that everyone (all of us) have BPD traits, and my T once told me that a disorder is only a disorder if you are unable to learn from mistakes and can't change.  So change, no matter how small... .is a step towards getting better.

The fact that you are informing yourself and seeking help is a really important step.

I saw the following posted on these boards that might be helfpul in your journey:

There are those who:

1. don't see and don't understand

2. see but don't understand

3. see, understand but cannot act

4. see, understand and act

You seem to be taking the rights steps towards making change happen.  I wish you best of luck.

[Blimblam]

My upbringing and early childhood were traumatic. As a result I started suffering delusional episodes (BPD trait) from about aged 12 . I thought I was possessed by the devil for about 3 years which was horrific. Then I seriously questioned my sexuality for the next 3 years suffering extreme paranoia and anxiety (BPD) Fell in love when I was 17 with a 40 year old woman who discarded me (massive abandonment fears) Developed an eating disorder for two years (BPD trait). Obsessed constantly over the loss (BPD trait)

I've lurched from one traumatic relationship to another only falling in 'love' with unavailable women where I'd get severely hurt to the verge of wanting to give up.

I have been unable to have a mutually loving relationship. The thought process might be why do they love me there must be something wrong with them. So chronic low self esteem. To the point of self loathing. So ingrained it's impossible to see a way out. Then cling obsessively to someone who treats you like complete ___. I'm impulsive but wasn't unfaithful to me ex. I was trying to rescue her. Perhaps I saw something of her in me. I have empathy at least according to my therapist. This is one of the lowest points of my life. Everything feels empty the silence is deafening and it feels like I have no one. Certainly no family, although they are there. But the whole lot are just a massive black bin bag of rattlesnakes with disorders galore.

I'm sorry

It is very brave to share that especially here. Though truth be told most of here are probably somewhere on the spectrum to some degree perhaps not diagnosable. 

It seems like you have been doing some difficult reflection and that's a good sign. I wish you well on this difficult journey