Encouragement needed

[KeepOnGoing]

More than 90 days NC. Two weeks no internet stalking. Dying to know how/what she's doing. Feeling weak. Want to peek.

[Pingo]

Keepongoing, 90 days NC and 2 weeks no checking up on her, I think you should give yourself a pat on the back!  Way to go! I don't have that option, mine isn't on social media (Thank God) which makes it so much easier to detach!  Not giving her that energy and giving it to yourself instead is the key, stay focused on the freedom of mind you get from the detaching.  What has inspired you to stay away for 2 weeks? 

[Deeno02]

1 month and some change b/u and 16 days NC. I'm a wreck but sticking to it. She lives very close and the temptation to drive by is to much, but I don't even go that way in the subdivision (hopefully she won't be there to much longer since her house is in foreclosure). Just stay the course. I'm fixing myself physically and mentally so that when she does see me again( she's my sons volleyball coach) that she will kick herself in the ass for dumping me for some bald ass college buddy of hers. F&@k her and her s$&t life.

[camuse]

No good can ever come of peeking. ALl that can happen is you reset your 90 days to zero.

If you really can't help it, tell yourself you can look tomorrow. Then tomorrow, if you still want to, do the same.

90 days is great progress, do not wreck it.

I know how hard it is to resist. I'm lucky - I can see in my FB blocked users list that she has deleted her profile. If it's impossible, then change the password of yours to comething you cannot remember and write it down, and put it somewhere difficult to get to - maybe at a friend's house. Attach your FB to an email account you cannot remember the address to to prevent resetting it. Whatever it takes.

Because if you look, you are guaranteed to only see things you very much do not want to see.

[anxiety5]

What always works for me in those situations was a few reminders, to self soothe. 1) I can't live without them now, yet I lived perfectly fine for decades prior to meeting them. The same can be said for heroine. They are a drug. And you did a self intervention. The craving you feel to reach out is no different than a heroine addict in recovery and their urges to use. Acting on both is bad. Lesson: Just because you feel you need something/someone does not mean they are good, or good for you.

2) "She's the perfect person for me" There are 3.5 billion women on the planet. Isn't it a bit ironic that the "perfect" one always lives within a 30 mile radius? OR is the truth that there are INFINITE people in this world who are "perfect" for us. Stop focusing on the one who has PROVEN they are not. Start looking for the one who is.  The search is daunting. But not as daunting as being emotionally abused. The search seems fruitless. And it is... .as long as you tell yourself that and don't try. NO rejection or bad date could possibly be as bad as having your emotional well being destroyed by an ex. So really, what do you have to lose, when there is SO much to gain by getting out there and meeting new people?

3) Happiness does not come from others. It comes from inside you. It comes from doing your best. It comes from the satisfaction of moving forward. Of improving. If you lack self worth, or confidence, a great place to start is understanding that you are courageous, patient, and caring. No other personality type could EVER tolerate what you did with your ex. That alone makes you these things. You did your best. There is never any regret in that. The loss, is theirs, not yours. So take that same courage you found to face each challenge with them, take the nurturing and endless caring you showed them and turn it inward on yourself. Feel brave in the fact that you stood up for yourself. Your future. Your well being. And when you feel weak, remember the decision you came to, you did so BECAUSE you care about your well being. AND you DESERVE someone who reciprocates those things back to you.

4) Life is finite. It is fragile. It is short. It is beautiful and sometimes tragic. What you went through was a struggle but you survived and are doing your best to move forward. You have grown. Something so many are not capable of. You live once. Find real love. You deserve it. And once you find it, you will be thankful each and every day that you never made that call. TRUST ME. TRUST EVERYONE HERE.

[anxiety5]

I also used to play little logic games and make myself laugh. A good laugh sometimes help me put things into perspective. BPD recycle relationships. They want you under their power. Therefore you can bet, whatever you did find by peeking would be a designed trap to either cause you anxiety or to tap into your empathy and feel bad for them.

Point: What possible good can come from you peeking? NOTHING. You will cause yourself anxiety and grief. If you realize this and know that is the only outcome, why not turn the stove on high until it's red and put your hand on it for 30 seconds? Ridiculous? Yes, but if you think about it, it's the same thing. You would never do that with the stove because there is no other outcome except to walk away injured, reeling in pain with nothing to look forward to except months of recovery. So if you would not willingly touch a hot stove for 30 seconds, understanding no good would come from it, why then would you ever consider peeking on your ex or reaching out?

I would tell myself stuff like that, have no choice but to chuckle and it would break that laser focus I had wherein, I could concentrate on nothing but logging onto my computer like a zombie infatuated with his own emotional demise.

[KeepOnGoing]

Keepongoing, 90 days NC and 2 weeks no checking up on her, I think you should give yourself a pat on the back!  Way to go! I don't have that option, mine isn't on social media (Thank God) which makes it so much easier to detach!  Not giving her that energy and giving it to yourself instead is the key, stay focused on the freedom of mind you get from the detaching.  What has inspired you to stay away for 2 weeks? 

Hi Pingo,

I challenged myself 90 days NC. Succeeded and kept going. Pretty clear she has no interest in talkng to me. Didn't even get a birthday greeting from her. So then I decided to take it a step further and go 90 days without looking at her social media.  Thank you for your words of encouragement.

[Deeno02]

Keepongoing, delete all social media she is on. I did. I have no damn interest in seeing her have a grand old time with the replacement. Do it. Spare your self any agony.

[myself]

Keep on going, KeepOnGoing. Live your life.

You're taking great steps to break bad patterns.

A mountain becomes much smaller with more distance.

[KeepOnGoing]

Crap. I looked. Briefly. I feel so less than. She has quite a following on social media, and everyone sees her beauty. I feel left out, cast aside. But now I know she's still there, and what she is doing. What is wrong with me? Why do I need to know? Why can't I let go?

[Deeno02]

Dude, I can't either. She burns my thoughts and still get flowing tears a few times a day. However, get rid of the social media crap NOW!

[FoolishMan]

I also used to play little logic games and make myself laugh. A good laugh sometimes help me put things into perspective. BPD recycle relationships. They want you under their power. Therefore you can bet, whatever you did find by peeking would be a designed trap to either cause you anxiety or to tap into your empathy and feel bad for them.

Point: What possible good can come from you peeking? NOTHING. You will cause yourself anxiety and grief. If you realize this and know that is the only outcome, why not turn the stove on high until it's red and put your hand on it for 30 seconds? Ridiculous? Yes, but if you think about it, it's the same thing. You would never do that with the stove because there is no other outcome except to walk away injured, reeling in pain with nothing to look forward to except months of recovery. So if you would not willingly touch a hot stove for 30 seconds, understanding no good would come from it, why then would you ever consider peeking on your ex or reaching out?

I would tell myself stuff like that, have no choice but to chuckle and it would break that laser focus I had wherein, I could concentrate on nothing but logging onto my computer like a zombie infatuated with his own emotional demise.

Great post!

[anxiety5]

It's tough. We have ALL been there. I would suggest you speak to a professional and specifically regarding self worth, self esteem. I'm not saying you don't have either, but we all know how these people turn us into shells. My point is, you were manipulated. If a stranger walked up to you and called you a pathetic loser, you would not cry. You'd laugh and walk away. You'd understand that the person had issues, and would never internalize it to the point of ruining your day, or life. And you CERTAINLY wouldn't reach out to that stranger to try and hang out with them. My point is, we are all similar here. Whether we are codependent, care takers, nurturers, pleasers, fixers, rescuers, we all at our core have a hard time quitting people. But the problem is, that is EXACTLY why we were targeted. You need to rebuild a healthy identity of your own. Nurture new or old friendships, and start to think of yourself in higher regards so that much like the stranger who insulted you, this ex, despite the fact you had a relationship with her, will no longer be able to reach your core. Her insults and disrespects will not even be met with anger, you will simply be indifferent. Because you will know and value your self worth and therefore anyone who treats you the way she did will be (much like the stranger in my example) not worth your time, and certainly possess no ability to affect who you are as a person.

It's really simple. Has anything you've done stalking her online or thinking about her at night, done ANYTHING to make your life better? Than why DO IT ANYMORE?