Please help. Finally divorcing after 33 years of verbal, physical, mental abuse

[Depression = 72% of members]

After 25 + years of lying to doctors and psychiatrists, my husband was finally caught in his light switch behavior two years ago. He was forced to go to the top psychiatrist in town who diagnosed him in ONLY 2 SESSIONS!   This was after my daughter, son and myself had tried to commit suicide due to his abuse, manipulation, death threats and control. We are always wrong... .he is always right. Since he is a genius (40+ patents for his prior place of work), he is an excellent example of a high functioning BPD and narcissist. He is a great person in public and a monster at home.

After his diagnosis, I caught him planning to kill himself. In retrospect I should have let him. My life would not still be hell if he was dead. But since I was the classic empathetic compassionate co dependent, I stopped him and sent him to our best friends home, where they watched over him.  I could not keep him at home because  I believed if he was going to kill himself, he was going to kill me first.   He refused to enter an in patient program and instead attended a 6 week out patient program run by a narcissistic BPD licensed social worker, who claimed to have healed herself. I was told by this social worker to let go of everything he had done so we could have a wonderful life together.  10 weeks after his diagnosis, my husband told me he had forgiven himself for all he had done to our daughter, son and me. He demanded to be allowed to come home or he wanted a divorce. I need to add here that I stayed for years because I was afraid of him and thoroughly indoctrinated to his claims that everything was my fault. I was socially isolated and had no support system. Anyone I had reached out to, thought I was the one with the mental problem.

After I realized that our children and I had endured a horrible life because my husband had chose to lie to counselors for 20 years, I was completely broken. My husband's social worker threatened to put me in a 30 day in patient program that would "set me straight". I packed a rental car with our dog and some belongings and escaped to my brother's in another state. 3 weeks after arriving at my brother's, I had a complete mental breakdown and ended up in Stanford's psychiatric ward for 2 weeks.  My diagnosis is PTSD, Anxiety disorder, Depression, Chronic Pain. My husband's reaction was to file for divorce due to abandonment.

My husband is trying to claim all assets from a 33 year marriage. My lawyer forced me to return to my home state to fight for my financial security. As Arizona is a no fault community property state, I can not speak of his years of spousal abuse. He has hidden assets, he has trashed our home thus assuring a low appraisal, and he has been laid off to prevent alimony payments. My physical body has been destroyed through the years of chronic stress caused by my husband.

Is there any body out there willing to give me valid advice and emotional support? I need help because my divorce has been delayed again until February 2014. I am on medication, have a psychiatrist and counselor. I need BPD spouses who can share their experience on how to mentally survive a divorce and heal my mind.  I appreciate all help and I thank you.

[MrHydesWifefor33years]

After 25 + years of lying to doctors and psychiatrists, my husband was finally caught in his light switch behavior two years ago. He was forced to go to the top psychiatrist in town who diagnosed him in ONLY 2 SESSIONS!   This was after my daughter, son and myself had tried to commit suicide due to his abuse, manipulation, death threats and control. We are always wrong... .he is always right. Since he is a genius (40+ patents for his prior place of work), he is an excellent example of a high functioning BPD and narcissist. He is a great person in public and a monster at home.

After his diagnosis, I caught him planning to kill himself. In retrospect I should have let him. My life would not still be hell if he was dead. But since I was the classic empathetic compassionate co dependent, I stopped him and sent him to our best friends home, where they watched over him.  I could not keep him at home because  I believed if he was going to kill himself, he was going to kill me first.   He refused to enter an in patient program and instead attended a 6 week out patient program run by a narcissistic BPD licensed social worker, who claimed to have healed herself. I was told by this social worker to let go of everything he had done so we could have a wonderful life together.  10 weeks after his diagnosis, my husband told me he had forgiven himself for all he had done to our daughter, son and me. He demanded to be allowed to come home or he wanted a divorce. I need to add here that I stayed for years because I was afraid of him and thoroughly indoctrinated to his claims that everything was my fault. I was socially isolated and had no support system. Anyone I had reached out to, thought I was the one with the mental problem.

After I realized that our children and I had endured a horrible life because my husband had chose to lie to counselors for 20 years, I was completely broken. My husband's social worker threatened to put me in a 30 day in patient program that would "set me straight". I packed a rental car with our dog and some belongings and escaped to my brother's in another state. 3 weeks after arriving at my brother's, I had a complete mental breakdown and ended up in Stanford's psychiatric ward for 2 weeks.  My diagnosis is PTSD, Anxiety disorder, Depression, Chronic Pain. My husband's reaction was to file for divorce due to abandonment.

My husband is trying to claim all assets from a 33 year marriage. My lawyer forced me to return to my home state to fight for my financial security. As Arizona is a no fault community property state, I can not speak of his years of spousal abuse. He has hidden assets, he has trashed our home thus assuring a low appraisal, and he has been laid off to prevent alimony payments. My physical body has been destroyed through the years of chronic stress caused by my husband.

Is there any body out there willing to give me valid advice and emotional support? I need help because my divorce has been delayed again until February 2014. I am on medication, have a psychiatrist and counselor. I need BPD spouses who can share their experience on how to mentally survive a divorce and heal my mind.  I appreciate all help and I thank you.

[Aussie0zborn]

Welcome to the forum and I'm sorry to read of your ordeal.

Being at this stage there is a process you need to follow. Firstly, ensure you have a good lawyer who is going to work with your best interests in mind, not just clocking up the hours to bill you.

Feel glad that it is coming to an end and take control of your financial interests. While it varies from one country to another, and one state to another, I would think that if he has trashed the house then that should count in your financial favour - take this up with your lawyer. In Australia, abuse is considered to gain the victim an additional 5% in settlement - shame your state doesn't allow for that.

If there are hidden assets, you need to look for them. This is a costly exercise. Does the tax department know about this? It might be worth a phone call to the IRS and someone else might do the searching for you. If you can't prove it, let it go and focus on what you can prove. Remember that the courts are looking at the evidence that you present. Again, talk to your lawyer.

Pay attention to your lawyer's advice and follow the instructions. Take notes and tick them off after you have done each task on your list - then put it away and don't look at it every day.  Your lawyer has done this before and can guide you through the process. In other words, let the lawyers look after it.

With such an ordeal, you need to focus on yourself in order to heal and rebuild the strength that you no longer thought you had.  It's all do-able and you're on the right track. Just let the lawyers do the work. I wish you well in your recovery and your settlement.

[Vienna]

Hello there. Thank you for sharing. I am in the process of divorcing my BPD husband and have a good lawyer. There is a twist to the "abandonment" issue. Here in NC if the husband has mistreated you so severely, as you indicate, he has, factually, abandoned you by making your stay in the family home intolerable. Mention this to your lawyer. Also, both parties can be forced to have bank statements disclosed; again, ask your lawyer about a court order. Look up QADRO so you know what it is.

You are entitled to half of your husband's pension. Call his place of work and ask who administrates the pension plan (if he has a place of work). If he has a 401k and/or pension plan you are within your rights to ask for the yearly financial statements. In my case, I called three times over a two month period. The administrator would not return my call, so, I assumed my husband had told them the same fabrications about me he has told friends and strangers in the past and was so convincing that she decided not to call his wife-monster back. So, my lawyer is getting the information for me.

I am so sorry about the suicide threats and tendencies. I have gone through similar situations with my husband, but my case is not as extreme as yours. My lawyer nd I are considering many options: to sue for defamation (I found a witness who told me that, 12 years ago, my husband had told her (a complete stranger!) that I had AIDS from sleeping with gay men), claim abandonment because he tried to get me kicked out of the house when I called DSS to help with a teen son who made suicidal comments and claimed that I was a drunk who had AIDS and beat him and my son up. We are trying to get those files released, as, I was made to look the monster, and DSS, the psychiatrist, psychologist, school counselor would give me stiff and disapproving looks while my husband sat there smirking. A horrible, horrible time. I didn't know about BPD then in 2005 until a friend of mine, a retired psychiatrist, suggested my husband was seriously ill and that I should, for my own mental health, leave.

     Back to you--your post is greatly appreciated. I am a newbie to this site, but I have already been greatly helped by all the good, pertinent information. Hang in there. Best, Vienna

[Lucky Jim]

I need to add here that I stayed for years because I was afraid of him and thoroughly indoctrinated to his claims that everything was my fault. I was socially isolated and had no support system.

Hi MyHyde'sWife, Like you, most of us here probably stayed a lot longer than was healthy for us, for similar reasons.  Fear and isolation are common scenarios, I'm afraid, in a BPD r/s.   So you are not alone.  The good thing is that you are ending the cycle, which takes a lot of strength and courage.  There are lots of great people on this site who are here to support you.

Lucky Jim