Just hit 61 days N/C.

[Algae]

Just thought I'd share how many days ive been n/c since I see a lot of people on here struggling with it.

Just hit the 2 month mark of N/C (61 official days)... and tbh, I still feel like a wreck.  I just started to make myself eat somewhat, again.

But I can't seem to get over the fact that she feels no shame, guilt, or anything for what she did... and doesnt even acknowledge it.  Thats whats keeping me from not hurting.

Shes Still with the replacement that she got with the DAY that she stopped talking to me (shes done it 7 times before... eh).  But to know that she doesnt care or feel shame, and is just doing her own ___ with a smile makes me sick to my stomach and I can't get over it.

Still... 61 days.  She usually comes in contact around this exact point so idk.

[Michael7123]

61 days? That's impressive you should be proud.

[VistaView]

Hold tight... She will stick to the routine. It will be up to you to 're engage or not when it happens. It WILL happen trust me. In the mean time stay NC.

[woodsposse]

 

Going no contact is a great tool to use as long as the motivation for going N/C is to use it a tool to help in your healing.  It is a great way to "separate" yourself from the pain or even the ups and downs of the r/s long enough to get some perspective on the fact that all of this is about you... .and you need to heal.

Some people look at it as a "punishment" - as in I'm not going to talk to you because you hurt me... .which is okay.  People must do what they must.  But the real benefit of n/c isn't about the other person or what they may have done to you... .or if they feel shame or guilt or anything.  It is about you.  It gives you time to look at you and see if you can get healed from whatever is causing the pain... .and hopefully, learn from the silence what you don't want to do again (or what you don't want to be part of... .as in a dysfunctional relationship).

I'd like to say that my n/c has been about a year.  I'd like to say that I haven't spoken with her in months.  But that would be a lie.

I spoke with her just this morning.  Well... .texted, anyway.  We haven't really spoken for about a year.  plenty of texts.  But I haven't seen her since maybe September 2013. So it was a l/c type thing which eventually lead to full n/c.

That lasted about 3 months or so.  Gave me ample opportunity to actually work on me.  And I found the center and peace I needed in my head (and in my life).  Now... .I don't mind exchanging a few texts.  I mean, we were together a very long time... .raised my kids together.  I'm not going to pretend she doesn't exsist.  But that r/s is over.  More importantly (and this goes out to everyone who has gone through numerous recycles)... .I love myself more than wanting to be in a cycle of push-pull... .I want you, I don't want you.

It's okay her having her life... .whatever that means. If she feels shame or guilt or if she doesnt... .it doesn't affect me because it's really none of my business... .because that relationship is gone.  If it hurts me too much to talk with her - then I don't talk to her.  If she says or does things I don't like... .okay.  She's an adult.  I just don't have to have it around me... .and guess what... .I don't have to be around it.

This is all really about you (or me... .depending on how you look at it.).

No Contact for me was about time I needed for me.  Now that I'm emotionally stable and no longer angry, I understand that if I'm still hurting over what happened I'm living in the past (and certainly not looking at the reality of what is going on).  For example, I forgot how many times we split up and got back together.  Heck, even after we decided to end the marriage and she moved out... .a few months later she "tried" to spin up a recycle.  I wasn't about to totally fall for it again.  I could have... .I wanted to... .but then I started to finally go l/c then n/c and I could finally see the hurt I continued to feel I was doing to myself.

It isn't that I don't love her or remember a lot of the great times we had together.  But the reality of it is/was... .why would I want someone in my life who can spin up a break up... .do some outlandish things... .leave... .but come back later to give "love"... .only to spin that back around eventually to drama and chaos and heartache?

I'm so serious if you were to say I could be with anyone I wanted... .but I to sign on for infidelity, anxiety attacks, lies, irrational behavior, cheating, break ups, makes up, spending all my time, energy and effort (and money) on her and get treated like I don't exist... .I would so wanna sign on the dotted line   NOT!

So, n/c is for you.   

[VistaView]

Going no contact is a great tool to use as long as the motivation for going N/C is to use it a tool to help in your healing.  It is a great way to "separate" yourself from the pain or even the ups and downs of the r/s long enough to get some perspective on the fact that all of this is about you... .and you need to heal.

Some people look at it as a "punishment" - as in I'm not going to talk to you because you hurt me... .which is okay.  People must do what they must.  But the real benefit of n/c isn't about the other person or what they may have done to you... .or if they feel shame or guilt or anything.  It is about you.  It gives you time to look at you and see if you can get healed from whatever is causing the pain... .and hopefully, learn from the silence what you don't want to do again (or what you don't want to be part of... .as in a dysfunctional relationship).

I'd like to say that my n/c has been about a year.  I'd like to say that I haven't spoken with her in months.  But that would be a lie.

I spoke with her just this morning.  Well... .texted, anyway.  We haven't really spoken for about a year.  plenty of texts.  But I haven't seen her since maybe September 2013. So it was a l/c type thing which eventually lead to full n/c.

That lasted about 3 months or so.  Gave me ample opportunity to actually work on me.  And I found the center and peace I needed in my head (and in my life).  Now... .I don't mind exchanging a few texts.  I mean, we were together a very long time... .raised my kids together.  I'm not going to pretend she doesn't exsist.  But that r/s is over.  More importantly (and this goes out to everyone who has gone through numerous recycles)... .I love myself more than wanting to be in a cycle of push-pull... .I want you, I don't want you.

It's okay her having her life... .whatever that means. If she feels shame or guilt or if she doesnt... .it doesn't affect me because it's really none of my business... .because that relationship is gone.  If it hurts me too much to talk with her - then I don't talk to her.  If she says or does things I don't like... .okay.  She's an adult.  I just don't have to have it around me... .and guess what... .I don't have to be around it.

This is all really about you (or me... .depending on how you look at it.).

No Contact for me was about time I needed for me.  Now that I'm emotionally stable and no longer angry, I understand that if I'm still hurting over what happened I'm living in the past (and certainly not looking at the reality of what is going on).  For example, I forgot how many times we split up and got back together.  Heck, even after we decided to end the marriage and she moved out... .a few months later she "tried" to spin up a recycle.  I wasn't about to totally fall for it again.  I could have... .I wanted to... .but then I started to finally go l/c then n/c and I could finally see the hurt I continued to feel I was doing to myself.

It isn't that I don't love her or remember a lot of the great times we had together.  But the reality of it is/was... .why would I want someone in my life who can spin up a break up... .do some outlandish things... .leave... .but come back later to give "love"... .only to spin that back around eventually to drama and chaos and heartache?

I'm so serious if you were to say I could be with anyone I wanted... .but I to sign on for infidelity, anxiety attacks, lies, irrational behavior, cheating, break ups, makes up, spending all my time, energy and effort (and money) on her and get treated like I don't exist... .I would so wanna sign on the dotted line   NOT!

So, n/c is for you.   

Great post and perspective

[myself]

You've been NC. Has she told you how she's really doing? If she did, could you believe her? If she has BPD, she has much shame beneath the surface. Not showing it is because she spends so much time and energy doing everything she can to cover it up. To twist it into something else. To run from it. Same actor, shifting masks and scenery. It's like they keep throwing themselves up in the air, thinking this is the time they're going to figure out how to fly.

It would be great if every ex of everybody here stepped up and told the truth about who they really are and what they're really feeling. You know what? They already did. They already are. With their actions. But then again, how much of what we go through comes from our expectations/needs? Our actions? There's a lot of acceptance to be found in dealing with this stuff.

A couple of months, you're still thawing out. Waking up, disconcerted. There may be pains you didn't know were coming, and ones you thought would never end already fading. You might really understand it today and then feel lost again tomorrow. Eventually, the more you focus on yourself, not her, the more the bigger picture will become clear. Find your truths in this. Tend to your wounds. Believe in your reasons. Keep going. Go on. Let go.

[rickdeckard]

You've been NC. Has she told you how she's really doing? If she did, could you believe her? If she has BPD, she has much shame beneath the surface. Not showing it is because she spends so much time and energy doing everything she can to cover it up. To twist it into something else. To run from it. Same actor, shifting masks and scenery. It's like they keep throwing themselves up in the air, thinking this is the time they're going to figure out how to fly.

It would be great if every ex of everybody here stepped up and told the truth about who they really are and what they're really feeling. You know what? They already did. They already are. With their actions. But then again, how much of what we go through comes from our expectations/needs? Our actions? There's a lot of acceptance to be found in dealing with this stuff.

A couple of months, you're still thawing out. Waking up, disconcerted. There may be pains you didn't know were coming, and ones you thought would never end already fading. You might really understand it today and then feel lost again tomorrow. Eventually, the more you focus on yourself, not her, the more the bigger picture will become clear. Find your truths in this. Tend to your wounds. Believe in your reasons. Keep going. Go on. Let go.

So very well stated... .

I actually dont know the exact time since NC. I could figure it out. But that keeps me hooked on the FAILED rs. Same as with the end date of me drinking or smoking. If I look at every day as "I have been exactly ABC number months, weeks, days, hours, seconds since my last hit of xxx", it keeps me focused on xxx - and my addiction alive - with xxx. Yeah, I know I say it has been so many months here since NC or BU. Its an approximation. I don't track it. Because that keeps me hooked. Still addicted, but to *not* using. Im still juat addicted if I am thinking about it constantly. Being free of addiction means you have stopped thinking about it. Thats indifference, and when you are truly free.

[hurting300]

I'm six months... .

[Trog]

Firstly, congratulations.

Secondly, I back up what has been said there are two things to remember, 1) we have spent SO much time focussed on them and trying to cater to their crazy bottomless needs that we have completely forgotten ourselves and to focus on ourselves. The moment you take the time to flip it round, and REMEMBER to think about yourself, you feel a little better. Just try to stop thinking about her and what she may be doing, it's not important and im guessing you've done enough of that to last you a lifetime, think about you, nice things you can do for you, good things about yourself and if its time to reflect why you may have allowed yourself to get caught up in it.

2) Suffering at some point becomes a choice. It is painful to breakup with a person, but sometimes I think this BPD, NPD labelling for us nons is really counter/productive, it gives us another angle to focus on whereby we can excuse a$$ole behaviour from a person and explain it away as an illness, how long have we been explaining away this behaviour? To ourselves, to our friends and family. The diagnosis, or feeling that they may have a personality disorder makes us think of them as people we should help (and turns the focus back on them) as many of us have coda issues this really is NOT helping us. Its really time to stop thinking about them, what they may be doing and choose to STOP suffering. Its enough. Everyone on this board has had more pain and abuse and confusion than anyone deserves, step out of the fog, they provide enough FOG, dont provide anymore for yourself. Going NC is about you, not her, its not a punishment, its a healing process for yourself.

[Algae]

Hold tight... She will stick to the routine. It will be up to you to 're engage or not when it happens. It WILL happen trust me. In the mean time stay NC.

Out of all these comments, I suppose this is the one that scares me the most.  I mean I know what I'm suppose to do if it occurs... but I have no idea how I'm going to handle it when it does occur.

Again like... I know what I AM suppose to do, but I don't know If I'm going to freak out, or something and end up getting hurt once again.