Rough day, can't expect anything from him

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm at the end of my rope today. My BPD/NPD husband is emotionally absent and unwilling to acknowledge any of the hardship in my life. Its been this way since about 4 months after the last recycle 3 yrs ago. He is high-functioning and has a great job and stable income, so things are easier for him. He has no health issues, no friends, no ties with family, completely cut off from everyone except the people at work that I don't know.  I have a flexible part-time job and act as a caregiver for my para-plegic son and it's physically demanding. H will not help me in any way with my son, including going to the store or anything else. He expects me to do everything because "he works so hard". On weekends I'm expected to drop everything and be with him, going where he wants to go and being an entertaining date for him. He likes to go to the beach and do nothing in the sun where he is surrounded by girls in bikinis and palm trees. He doesn't lift a finger to help with the vehicles or home maintenance and gets angry if asked to. It's like he's a child I have to take care of.  His job is important and he's the big man. I'm a total doormat.

I've been trying to "be what everyone needs" and I can't do it anymore. BPDh is not interested in listening to me to help find a solution to some issues I have regarding my son. Anything about my son is not welcome, he is very critical of him and sees him as an adversary. I'm caught in the middle. If I want to be with him, then I have to accept that he simply isn't capable or is unwilling to help me in any way. There's so much he could do, just by listening and offering some emotional support, but he just can't. Any complaint I have about my own life makes him feel toxic shame and he goes into "I can't do anything right" mode. Why can't he see that all I need is someone to hug me and listen and maybe offer some ideas on how I can make things easier in my life? Why does he ALWAYS blame himself, say he needs to do better, feel ashamed and then turn on me for expecting anything out of him? I hate BPD!

I can't expect anything from him and I'm dying inside. When I pull away emotionally, he jumps in and does just enough to make me love him again, brings me flowers, gifts,  floods me with compliments. When I'm quiet a lot, he never wants to talk and tells me how sweet I am. If I have any type of issue, not even concerning him, he blames himself and then does nothing. He just can't handle any type of conflict even though it's what he does for a living at work.  When he comes home, it's like he's a little boy again.

Today I wish I would just be removed from earth like the people in The Leftovers and not have to feel this frustration and pain. I just want it to be over.

[Gimme Peace]

I'm at the end of my rope today. My BPD/NPD husband is emotionally absent and unwilling to acknowledge any of the hardship in my life. Its been this way since about 4 months after the last recycle 3 yrs ago. He is high-functioning and has a great job and stable income, so things are easier for him. He has no health issues, no friends, no ties with family, completely cut off from everyone except the people at work that I don't know.  I have a flexible part-time job and act as a caregiver for my para-plegic son and it's physically demanding. H will not help me in any way with my son, including going to the store or anything else. He expects me to do everything because "he works so hard". On weekends I'm expected to drop everything and be with him, going where he wants to go and being an entertaining date for him. He likes to go to the beach and do nothing in the sun where he is surrounded by girls in bikinis and palm trees. He doesn't lift a finger to help with the vehicles or home maintenance and gets angry if asked to. It's like he's a child I have to take care of.  His job is important and he's the big man. I'm a total doormat.

I've been trying to "be what everyone needs" and I can't do it anymore. BPDh is not interested in listening to me to help find a solution to some issues I have regarding my son. Anything about my son is not welcome, he is very critical of him and sees him as an adversary. I'm caught in the middle. If I want to be with him, then I have to accept that he simply isn't capable or is unwilling to help me in any way. There's so much he could do, just by listening and offering some emotional support, but he just can't. Any complaint I have about my own life makes him feel toxic shame and he goes into "I can't do anything right" mode. Why can't he see that all I need is someone to hug me and listen and maybe offer some ideas on how I can make things easier in my life? Why does he ALWAYS blame himself, say he needs to do better, feel ashamed and then turn on me for expecting anything out of him? I hate BPD!

I can't expect anything from him and I'm dying inside. When I pull away emotionally, he jumps in and does just enough to make me love him again, brings me flowers, gifts,  floods me with compliments. When I'm quiet a lot, he never wants to talk and tells me how sweet I am. If I have any type of issue, not even concerning him, he blames himself and then does nothing. He just can't handle any type of conflict even though it's what he does for a living at work.  When he comes home, it's like he's a little boy again.

Today I wish I would just be removed from earth like the people in The Leftovers and not have to feel this frustration and pain. I just want it to be over.

[Gimme Peace]

I wish I could remove this post.

[Mutt]

Hi Gimme Peace,

I'm sorry that you feel like you want to remove your post. You're going through an emotionally difficult day. You have a lot on your plate. You're taking care of your son and its physically demanding. Your H is jealous of the attention that you give to your son and is being emotionally immature and narcissistic and you feel like you're fed up with his toxic shame. It's OK to vent how you feel in a safe place and say I hate BPD!

You feel frustrated and invalidated. It's fine that get that off of your chest. Sending a lot of   your way. I'm sorry to hear things are tough.

[patientandclear]

Why do you want to remove the post?  Have your feelings changed, or were you feeling unsupported here?

A lot of members here can undoubtedly relate to what you wrote. If the situation is still as you described, I hope you'll keep sharing your thoughts and feelings.  But I suspect people may also want to respect your second post on this thread and not keep this going if you want to shut the discussion down.  So  -- let us know.   

[Mutt]

Hi Gimme Peace,

If you look on your first or second post. There's a hyperlink that says "report to moderator" or RTM. You can click that link and type a short message. This message will be sent to the moderators of the site. Tell them you changed your mind. Staff will review it. I hope that helps, thanks  

[Gimme Peace]

I wanted to remove the post because I felt like I was complaining. Thanks for the replies, they are welcome! I'm going to read more of the lessons and learn what I can do to better take care of myself. Doesn't feel good to let him "live in my head", but sometimes it gets the best of me.

[Mutt]

Sometimes we simply need to vent. I don't see it as complaining in your first post.

It helps to vent our feelings with members that understand. I think of this place as an outlet from the people in my real life that don't understand. They don't see the dysfunctions and acting out because the disorder is triggered by intimacy.

Living with someone with a difficult personality disorder sometimes gets the best of us. We're all human.

[Gimme Peace]

Thank you so much. It helps to vent to people who understand. My mom passed away 3 years ago and she was my confidante and mentor. She never approved of the marriage and said "he's not right" to me in the beginning of the relationship. Still kicking myself in the butt for not listening to her. I plowed ahead anyway and here I am, trying to make sense of something that makes no sense.

[Mutt]

I understand. I'm sorry to hear that your mom passed away. It's difficult when a role model and confidante leaves us. She sounds like a wise woman. We have our own paths and we don't always listen to the wisdom of a parent.

The draw to a person with a PD at the beginning of the r/s can be quite powerful and intoxicating. We don't always see the forest for the trees. We can't be hard on ourselves