Mutual Friends

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have had practically no contact with my ex since breaking up about 3 months ago. I made it clear that I wanted no contact until she is able to acknowledge the problems with her behavior. She now lives in another city, so that has been working well.

She was recently in town for work and did something that surprised me. She suggested to a friend of hers that the friend and I would get along. I wound up meeting up with the friend and we get along quite well.

The friend doesn't know how abusive the relationship was, just that it didn't work out. She's expressed that she's open to hearing my side of the story but also that she doesn't want to be in a position to pick sides. It doesn't seem appropriate or useful to reveal the extent of the abuse.

I'd like to have this friend in my life, but I don't want my ex in my life. Is there any way for this to work?

[nullset]

I have had practically no contact with my ex since breaking up about 3 months ago. I made it clear that I wanted no contact until she is able to acknowledge the problems with her behavior. She now lives in another city, so that has been working well.

She was recently in town for work and did something that surprised me. She suggested to a friend of hers that the friend and I would get along. I wound up meeting up with the friend and we get along quite well.

The friend doesn't know how abusive the relationship was, just that it didn't work out. She's expressed that she's open to hearing my side of the story but also that she doesn't want to be in a position to pick sides. It doesn't seem appropriate or useful to reveal the extent of the abuse.

I'd like to have this friend in my life, but I don't want my ex in my life. Is there any way for this to work?

[lm911]

Your ex should not be concern. If you want to be a friend with this person - be. Although it is strange that this person is friends with your ex. This should concern you. How can you be friends with such person? And what friends are they if he/she does not know how abusive is your ex?

[Pou]

And what friends are they if he/she does not know how abusive is your ex?

Honestly, how could any one know?  I think the severity of abuse can only be appreciated by the one who is going through it.  My view is if you like the friend, don't think too much into the future.  Just continue to date and feel it out.  Keep a healthy distance and boundary.  Be a bit guarded and figure out how deep their friendship is and see if her friend is also a PD.  I mean, it is not like all PDs get together and make friends.  So there is a good chance that she is not.  Also, I don't think people who are PDs like to be with people who have PD.  So chances are, she may not have it.  But you should still be guarded.  If you and your new found relationship grows into something, there is a good chance, she would have to choose either you or your ex.  Or she can understand the situation and work with you to keep a healthy distance and maintain boundary.   

[Infern0]

Sorry but I view this with high level of suspicion.

Borderlines don't like giving their toys away.  Just my two cents but be careful.

[nullset]

How can you be friends with such person? And what friends are they if he/she does not know how abusive is your ex?

As seems to be common with BPD, my ex is an extremely charming person most of the time (I still miss the good times). Her problem behaviors only came out when we were alone, and only after we'd been together a month or two.

[nullset]

Sorry but I view this with high level of suspicion.

Borderlines don't like giving their toys away.  Just my two cents but be careful.

It feels similar to when she would bring me a cookie after raging at me all night and ask "do you still love me?" It was the closest she could do to apologizing, but I realized it wasn't an expression of regret, just a "I will do a nice thing for you to keep you around so I have someone to rage at" thing.