I want answers from him

[Climbmountains91]

Just found out my exBPDbf had a threesome on reddit and quite enjoyed it   I know i cant tell him what to do, we are not together, do what he wants and all that but i still want answers even though hell just lie and manipulate, when was this? When we were together? When we were on "trial separation"? When we swore not to go with other people. Did he want me to find it to get a reaction as we have gone no contact for two and a half weeks now. He hasn't tried to contact me, i was the one who put in n/c he didn't seem that bothered.  His in the stage where he's going out a lot meeting loads of no good friends/supply, mirroring people but not truly finding that new supply as in a lover as of yet which is probably frustrating him. Maybe i am controlling I'm just struggling with this whole thing at the moment. Its like his my supply and i need it so badly but try to keep telling myself everyday what good it will do. The first week i found was easy of n/c then to now it gets harder. His friend told me he put on facebook last night "anyone wanna go out tonight i feel like crap and i need to drink this pain away". It makes me sick aswell that his disguardred his daughter hasn't seen her in two months and is off out doing whatever. He goes through his parents to see his daughter he knows hes welcome to see her anytime but has made no effort. I even offered him twice in 2 days (like i always offer) if he wants to see her but no, excuses!

[Chunk Palumbo]

Blood from a stone. Camel through the eye of a needle. That is truth from a Borderline.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Climbmountains91,

i still want answers even though hell just lie and manipulate

It can be so hard to distinguish what the real answers are from someone with BPD.  I've found that it's more productive to look at the actions, then figure out my feelings about them; how they reflect my values.

It makes me sick aswell that his disguardred his daughter hasn't seen her in two months and is off out doing whatever. He goes through his parents to see his daughter he knows hes welcome to see her anytime but has made no effort. I even offered him twice in 2 days (like i always offer) if he wants to see her but no, excuses!

What is it about a guy that makes up excuses for not seeing his daughter in 2 months intriguing?

Its like his my supply and i need it so badly but try to keep telling myself everyday what good it will do.

Can you describe in what ways is he 'your supply'?  What does he offer that feels like you need it so badly?

Can you get these things through other sources, provide them for yourself?

Hang in there... . 

[SlyQQ]

Honestly if your partner is BPD you should not really expect otherwise of him at some stage he may try but sooner or later the BPD will drive him to such actions over the years it may ameliorate but probably never with the connection you desire if you realize that it has absolutely NOTHING  to do with you and never has it may help ( speaking from bitter expierience ) 

[Climbmountains91]

Hi Climbmountains91,

i still want answers even though hell just lie and manipulate

It can be so hard to distinguish what the real answers are from someone with BPD.  I've found that it's more productive to look at the actions, then figure out my feelings about them; how they reflect my values.

It makes me sick aswell that his disguardred his daughter hasn't seen her in two months and is off out doing whatever. He goes through his parents to see his daughter he knows hes welcome to see her anytime but has made no effort. I even offered him twice in 2 days (like i always offer) if he wants to see her but no, excuses!

What is it about a guy that makes up excuses for not seeing his daughter in 2 months intriguing?

Its like his my supply and i need it so badly but try to keep telling myself everyday what good it will do.

Can you describe in what ways is he 'your supply'?  What does he offer that feels like you need it so badly?

Can you get these things through other sources, provide them for yourself?

Hang in there... . 

I have no idea why I'm so intrigued about a guy who doesn't see our daughter. I guess thats why were on this forum aren't we. Well for some of us anyway to find out why we are so drawn in by people regardless of having an illness or not that treat us like were nothing. I guess because i have such low self esteem I'm drawn into how crap he treats me, well how he used to as he has no part in my life anymore but it doesn't dispute the fact that for some unknown stupid reason I'm still madly in love with this guy and it will take a lot of time and i mean a lot and therapy and a lot of hard work from myself to get through it and come out the other side after all he put me through.

He was more of a carer i.e a parent figure than my boyfriend, i know that sounds weird, i have my own problems and before i met him i was isolated, didn't know much of the world and he showed me a lot of things places and stuff and i guess i need that parental supply, I'm still trying to figure out for myself, hopefully my therapy will start soon my brain is a tangled mixed up mess. Maybe i just am the problem. Maybe my past posts have that answer.

[SlyQQ]

It is not unusual for a BPD partner to assume parenting role ( even though it is a sham to further entrap you ) you were not in love BPD use brain washing techniqes ro entrap you ( i am serious though only the really bad ones who know what they are do it conciously ) watch movie called best offer ( geoffry rush )an you will see a window into how they operate ( he got off lightly ) it may help

[OutOfEgypt]

Climbmountains91,

Been there.  You need to let it go.  You will get to the point where your endless self-torture through your obsessive questioning will become so painful that you would rather choose to let it go than suffer any more.  You will never get the answers you crave, and more importantly, you will never get the validation you seek from him.  More accurately, you will never get the satisfaction or peace you crave *through him* or his answers or explanations.  You chase and long for him because you long for him to look you in the eyes and finally say, "I'm sorry for all that I did... .you matter."  But he won't.  He doesn't know how.  And if he did, it would only be so that he can pull you back in and use you as an emotional crutch and rip out your soul all over again.

I feel for you and your daughter because he will never be the dad that she needs.  Sad.  It doesn't mean you can't make a huge different in her life, though.  Step one is to get your head OUT of him.  She needs at least one stable parent who isn't all about him.

[Climbmountains91]

Climbmountains91,

Been there.  You need to let it go.  You will get to the point where your endless self-torture through your obsessive questioning will become so painful that you would rather choose to let it go than suffer any more.  You will never get the answers you crave, and more importantly, you will never get the validation you seek from him.  More accurately, you will never get the satisfaction or peace you crave *through him* or his answers or explanations.  You chase and long for him because you long for him to look you in the eyes and finally say, "I'm sorry for all that I did... .you matter."  But he won't.  He doesn't know how.  And if he did, it would only be so that he can pull you back in and use you as an emotional crutch and rip out your soul all over again.

I feel for you and your daughter because he will never be the dad that she needs.  Sad.  It doesn't mean you can't make a huge different in her life, though.  Step one is to get your head OUT of him.  She needs at least one stable parent who isn't all about him.

I just don't know how to let it go, i'm in to deep. I know your right. I need to get stronger for our daughter, its just so hard, i cant wait to start therapy because right now i am so wounded and weak.

[Nicolai]

General rule... Never try to get answers from a BPD. 1) they will not tell the truth. 2) they will blame you. 3) they won't take responsibility. 4) they will smear campaign you to make them feel good about it. 5) they do not understand how this could hurt you.

Borderliners is a lost cause. This is a child in an adult body. If you go to him you will only be disappointed. Nothing useful or helpful will be said. Their will only be more damage if you let the child know that he means something to you. So go out their and find an adult relationship! You will enjoy it a lot more!

[Blimblam]

He will only let you down and cause you more pain. Creating the space you NEED to heal and going through the hell will be the only thing that brings you solace.  Everything you desire has to come from within you and it's not an easy ride and it takes as long as it takes. I'm sorry you have been used and abused and are insomuch pain.

[going places]

Just found out my exBPDbf had a threesome on reddit and quite enjoyed it   I know i cant tell him what to do, we are not together, do what he wants and all that but i still want answers even though hell just lie and manipulate, when was this? When we were together? When we were on "trial separation"? When we swore not to go with other people.

1. Go to the clinic and get checked for STD's.  Take care of YOU first.

2. You will never know the truth, because the truth is not something BPD's tell. Ever.

3. Assume the worst, accept it, move on.

4. He will never tell the truth. It will never make sense.

Did he want me to find it to get a reaction as we have gone no contact for two and a half weeks now. He hasn't tried to contact me, i was the one who put in n/c he didn't seem that bothered.  His in the stage where he's going out a lot meeting loads of no good friends/supply, mirroring people but not truly finding that new supply as in a lover as of yet which is probably frustrating him. Maybe i am controlling I'm just struggling with this whole thing at the moment. Its like his my supply and i need it so badly but try to keep telling myself everyday what good it will do. The first week i found was easy of n/c then to now it gets harder. His friend told me he put on facebook last night "anyone wanna go out tonight i feel like crap and i need to drink this pain away". It makes me sick aswell that his disguardred his daughter hasn't seen her in two months and is off out doing whatever. He goes through his parents to see his daughter he knows hes welcome to see her anytime but has made no effort. I even offered him twice in 2 days (like i always offer) if he wants to see her but no, excuses!

1. Block, unfriend, ban, eliminate him and his friends from all of your social media. Block/Ban him from your cell phone. This is like breaking an addiction to drugs. You not only cannot 'do just a little' you can't even be around those who 'do drugs'. COMPLETE purge, or you will go insane.

2. He is not your problem.

If you feel the need / desire to 'rescue-help others' volunteer for the Red Cross or other such agencies; that will provide you with fulfillment and those in need will receive from you what they need. And it's all good.

Do not worry about what this man does. Ever. Find something else to occupy the space in your mind.

Trust me... .

Think of him as a 10 ton rock tied to your waist.

And you are about to be thrown into the ocean with a life jacket, and a 10 ton rock tied around your waste.

If you don't want to be pulled to the bottom of the sea, and drowned to death, you untie the rock and let it go, and bob back up to the surface.

Drop the rock. Now.

[OutOfEgypt]

You will get there.  I reached a point where I realized I was carrying this load *myself*.  I was causing my own pain.  So I could let it go.

[allweareisallweare]

I out-and-out don't think a BPD is emotionally intelligent enough to provide answers - behavior without explanation supercedes behavior which could be at least explained because their motives and rationality and conscious and sub-conscious are bent out of shape by the disorder. I struck gold when I realised that closure is improbable - it's not impossible, since we are forging for positives and we believe, as BPD-undergoers, that they can show signs, glimmers, scintillas - and the percentages are all against us. Because it's improbable, NC puts the ball in our court. We have to assume power, BPDs only possess false power, the power of destruction (which will repeat and replete their lives) so for us to go NC it is the Kryptonite - we are presenting a sense of abandonment (which we'd never have chosen) and turning it onto them. I only broke NC to present a loose dissertation on the woman's illness to her. Of which, as I said, they probably wouldn't fathom, but she knows how AWARE I am of the intricacies. It is an all-or-nothing disease, I think - one cannot be mildly BPD. It is a disease of extremes, and the only way to build a force field is to go no contact. As smart and insightful as we all are on this board, despite the hurt and loss, there's no point wasting it on BPDs. They know deep in the shells of themselves, through the ghost-personas and the falseness, they know that we can transfer all the good onto someone else. They will constantly take risks and gamble and think and strive to replace us, that square peg in the round hole, only for the disorder to blow that apart. I'm high in the sky of no contact now and deep in the valley of peace!

Of course, NC is a no-go, largely, for those with children. I could never imagine having a child with her and her having BPD. She lives a 1000 miles away. But realistically due to the gulf in understanding and the NC she's a million miles away.

There's definitely something wrong with somebody who puts intimate details of their sexual journeys on social media - it's why we stay away from their false images and amplifications of illness (i.e abnormal behavior) which FB and the likes only fuel.

Remember, God is good. We are gonna do this.