Accepting our lots in life

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,

I think one of the most challenging parts of being gifted a BPD family member is the feeling of getting "shorted" a healthy family member.    We only get one mom,  one MIL,  one dad,  a limited number of siblings... .you get the jist of what I am saying.

Many families are smaller today.   When we only have one sister and that sister has BPD it is difficult to go no contact.  When your husband has a small family and you so desparately wanted your own kids to have a kind grandmother and they instead have a hateful mean BPD grandmother (my MIL) it is a tough break.

I keep thinking "make my own path and choose those people on it".   It doesn't happen overnight.  It takes a lot of patience and kindness and independance and faith to release the negative and open ourselves up to the possibliities of bringing loving people into our lives.     

I wish for everyone here a better life and better people in it.    Some days are tougher than others accepting the whole no contact thing as a solution.  I wasn't brought up that way.  Family was family.   This has been a lesson for me.     Family isn't always family.   When I grew up I didn't see my aunts, uncles and cousins treat each other this way.     My husband and I met for a reason.  He has his BPD mom and I have my BPD sister and together we have had to make the break.     Concept of family has had to change.

Good luck to everyone and may kindness find it's way to each and every one of you.

[funfunctional]

Hi,

I think one of the most challenging parts of being gifted a BPD family member is the feeling of getting "shorted" a healthy family member.    We only get one mom,  one MIL,  one dad,  a limited number of siblings... .you get the jist of what I am saying.

Many families are smaller today.   When we only have one sister and that sister has BPD it is difficult to go no contact.  When your husband has a small family and you so desparately wanted your own kids to have a kind grandmother and they instead have a hateful mean BPD grandmother (my MIL) it is a tough break.

I keep thinking "make my own path and choose those people on it".   It doesn't happen overnight.  It takes a lot of patience and kindness and independance and faith to release the negative and open ourselves up to the possibliities of bringing loving people into our lives.     

I wish for everyone here a better life and better people in it.    Some days are tougher than others accepting the whole no contact thing as a solution.  I wasn't brought up that way.  Family was family.   This has been a lesson for me.     Family isn't always family.   When I grew up I didn't see my aunts, uncles and cousins treat each other this way.     My husband and I met for a reason.  He has his BPD mom and I have my BPD sister and together we have had to make the break.     Concept of family has had to change.

Good luck to everyone and may kindness find it's way to each and every one of you.

[Swiggle]

I agree with you! Family doesn't have to be "blood" to give you love, respect, guidance, caring and companioinship. We have to surround ourselves with those kinds of people even if they aren't family.

[Harri]

Family isn't always family.  ... .  Concept of family has had to change.

Well said funf!  I think what you said applies to any situation, whether it is limited contact or no contact.  I am still working of filling my life with loving and supportive people, but I have a couple of friends who care about me and I am so very grateful for that.  I still get sad thinking about the family I had, especially around traditional family times like the upcoming holidays, but I think that will always be.  I am even grateful for the feelings of sadness because it reminds me to be grateful for what I do have. 

Peace and kindness to you and yours too!  What a wonderful post.   

[funfunctional]

Thanks for responding mtrip & Harri.   I try very hard to stay out of the past.   When we live in the past we experience depression most and when we live in the future/worry then we experience anxiety.

I have such fond memories of aunt and uncles and cousins and family that wasn't perfect but none of this drama and hate and awfulness.    I focus on my husband and my kids and I am trying to just be "kind" to everyone around me but also just stay away from the negative people that are "family".    Some family members seem to think family is about having people to endlessly abuse & that somehow we are supposed to put up with their garbage and eat it and then love them unconditionally.

Doesn't work that way so these people receiving the No Contact... .this is their lesson to learn and as we have read here... .some people take it to their graves and never learn or change.     

[goingtostopthis]

                  One thing I can add to this is the statement you made about how family is family.  I have recently been having a really hard time coping with my sister.  I have just moved into farmhouse that used to be my Aunts and it's a long story but basically my sister has been threatened by my presence here. She has been simply horrible to me.

                     She doesnt live here but basically she's been the care taker of the place and the animals here, but now that Im here Im taking over her jobs.  This is what she wanted,  so I was told and  one of the reasons I came, to help.

Instead of seeing me as someone to help her and be someone she can trust, she has been treating me like a threat and she has been having a very hard time letting her jobs go because to her they represent a pocessionary thing and control I guess she's been afraid of losing.

                    Anyways, this is a long story.  I moved here and its too late.  I cant turn back. I can only go forward.

I can allow myself to stay caught up in her hell,  to continue to hate her for her horrible treatment,  or get smart.

                    There are more skills, granted, I still need to learn on how to better cope with this situation. And I plan on educating myself as much as I can on how to handle difficult people because if I dont I wont make here. One of the points Im trying to make is that there "is"  a lot here for me, its just been feeling recently more than ever that my sister has been doing all she can to set up walls so I cant,  which is living out my dream.

                      My dream is to make this place a place where I can train horses and ride in competitions. Ive been told over and over again by my mother that yes of course I can do this!  This is a big farm with a lot of land. Its kind of like in turn for my care taking of the place I can also, eventually put in a riding arena and things like this. I have ownership of this place equally as my mom and sister do.,

                  Anyways!   My sister started up on me with statements like:  "You cant do this and you cant do that" and I have to say eternally I freaked out. I have come to discover that the more I resisted her the worse it has gotten.  Trying to change her was not going to work. I had to make myself change my behavior  when I was around her today.  I had to pretend to be nice and it was not easy.  I am not a dishonest person. If something is wrong and im being done a mis justice I can hardly be quiet, especially in a case like this one. Shes just been down right abusive and I have no support from other family members,  being my brother and my dad. My dad is being two faced on me now. At one time he whole heartedly agreed that my sister really had a problem and that we needed to do something about it. Now ,  hes ignoring me on this and trying to place some kind of guilt trip on me like Im just being a spoiled brat or something, being ungrateful, which is absurd.  

                  My sister is a projector. She projects her faults and the things she doesnt like about her self on me. It finally occurred to me today what shes been doing.  Its like she's so afraid Im going to find out what an incompetent job she's been doing here, that she has made bloody sure that all these things are going to be tagged on me first to blind me from seeing that it's really her.  

                  So I just figure let me try to give her what she wants. Love the dog that she has neglected and act like nothing is wrong.  There's something serious wrong with the dog. Its psychotic. I cant stand the dog.  OK.  and behind the scenes, work on the dog and I have.  Im retraining him,  actually the dog has never been trained.  This is my sisters shame that she has turned against me.   I think the more I hate the dog and make it clear there is a problem here Houston,  the more she becomes a royal controlling b___ to me, when anyone in my shoes having to share a kitchen with this beast would lose their mind. They never told me I would have to share half this house with 3 unruly dogs. It isnt the dogs fault and I really dont hate him, its just that the animal is so out of control!  

                    So today I thought, ok... . Ill give her what she wants even if I have to fake it a little,  and in turn I will get my dream.  I will train this dog and learn to be his friend, and in turn I will get my dream. And this dog is real but he's metaphor too in terms of this whole situation.  I either stay angry and the victim  or get smart.  (  :        

[MyLifeNow]

I can definitely understand that. I basically have no family left now and I'm not even 35 yet. My uBPD father was the last family contact I really had and my mom left when I was 7, so I've been dealing with the feeling short changed thing for a while. That made going NC with dad even harder, since even before then I felt like there was nobody at work I could relate to with all of them being married with 2.3 kids, a house with a white picket fence and a dog. It was like they were all living a life I could never have and had only experienced as the wisp of an illusion. I mean, how do you tell someone with that kind of life that you have living relatives but never see or hear from any of them? As it was one or two of them already seemed put off by the fact that I'm still living the "bachelor lifestyle" at my age. Then you look on dating sites and see how many of the women there specifically mention looking for someone who is close to their parents. It really does make you feel like you're on the outside looking in. The town I used to live in until recently was very small, and on summer evenings I'd go for walks downtown through the residential areas and see all the brightly lit living rooms full of families as I went past. There was kind of a surreal aspect to those walks in how they mirrored aspects of my life.

I do have friends who have made their own families in addition to their blood ones, so that has made the situation easier to accept. Still, it does make you feel different.

[funfunctional]

Hi goingtostopthis:  Well it sounds like you moved into a place where you feel rather stuck.    I think you can work around your sister and the mangy mutt.    Figure out what is important for you in the horse training & riding and it will be give and take with her.  Sometimes if they "think" they are getting more... .as you observe what is her "big important" things she needs control over... .you may make it easier on yourself.    I like your last line and you have a good attitude but clearly have to balance this out but you are aware of her issues.  Good luck.

Hi MylifeNow:  Sounds like you need to find some people in the same situation as you.  I am divorced and LOVE hanging out with other divorced people. Even though I am remarried I STILL prefer the divorced people cause they can relate to me.  I have very small & limited family.     I again love having people who have small families & found friendship in people like that.     Find some people you can relate to.   May need to find a new job too... .as listening to all the perfect lives must be annoying.    Guess what?  Their lives aren't so perfect as they think!    But in the meantime... .make your connections that help you out.