Acceptance

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been contemplating many things.  The main thing at the moment is essentially how I would have survived all of this if I didn't have the knowledge I have now.  The last 2 months has been horrid, the last 2 weeks surreal.  Standing up for our sons rights and also mine, being assertive has created such a reaction from my ex, I never saw it coming.  If I wasn't prepared then well, I would have been so off tap with everything happening. 

I have had her change tactics to get a reaction and I haven't reacted, I have done everything possible to sit back and let her do her own thing.  I was sitting there the other day and at a pick up I knocked on the door and she came to the door, placed our son on a chair behind the locked screen door and started putting his shoes on.  I said, it isn't healthy for the door to be locked and for me to see him through a locked door.  Her response, I am afraid of you.  WTF?  I stepped back, informed her I would wait at the stairs and she instantly opened the door and told me I didn't have to be like that.  She told me she is scared of me so I walk back a bit to give her space and more importantly so our son isn't looking at me through a locked door.  I acknowledge this and then she changes instantly telling me I am behaving badly.  So I sat back at the stairs and waited, kept acknowledgement of the first point she raised and then our son came out. 

The look of shame on her face that I wasn't reacting and she realised what she had done flipping between two polar extremes was just so painful for me.  Normally I would react and tell her something, its ok.  Its ok to be sad we will have a great day and he will be back for dinner.  I didn't do anything, picked our son up and left with him. 

Normally if the first jab doesn't get a response the second would now I just know she will do something to get a reaction. 

I am finding this at work, in life in general.  I just don't give a damn about these things at the moment, concentrating on being a bit selfish.  Looking at everything from what is the best thing to do, how will I feel about my actions here.  I think with the lack of insight I have actually had this myself in the past, do I have a PD, well I have explored this a lot, I have some traits but definitely not a PD.  My lack of insight has been towards others in part, I haven't seen how I enable there behaviours.  Towards myself in a big way I haven't seen how unhealthy not taking care of my own needs has been for me long term. 

I don't know with everyone else however looking at myself and my actions to date has been the most powerful thing for me.  Seeing my previous mistakes and also patterns in life that are not healthy for me or those around me. 

Between the ACT books I have read, basically radical acceptance with a fancy name, trying to put that into practice and the mindfulness stuff trying to do that constantly it is pretty hard however I know its a healthy change.  I am feeling better myself about lots of decisions I am making, not out of fear or a sense of responsibility any more but out of a genuine will to do the correct thing where I will be proud of what I do towards others and what I do for myself.  Never looked at my own actions in this manner before, my own motivations, never looked at my own state of mind. 

That insight or lack thereof is something that has existed previously for myself.  I identify with the white knight thing and think it has been good to care for others however hasn't been good to not care for myself.  Without going through all of this I never would have learnt any of this stuff. 

Where are you all at with it?  I know I am a lot more at ease, more accepting of things that come along now.  Less stressed and less reactive when life throws me a curve ball. 

[Aussie JJ]

I have been contemplating many things.  The main thing at the moment is essentially how I would have survived all of this if I didn't have the knowledge I have now.  The last 2 months has been horrid, the last 2 weeks surreal.  Standing up for our sons rights and also mine, being assertive has created such a reaction from my ex, I never saw it coming.  If I wasn't prepared then well, I would have been so off tap with everything happening. 

I have had her change tactics to get a reaction and I haven't reacted, I have done everything possible to sit back and let her do her own thing.  I was sitting there the other day and at a pick up I knocked on the door and she came to the door, placed our son on a chair behind the locked screen door and started putting his shoes on.  I said, it isn't healthy for the door to be locked and for me to see him through a locked door.  Her response, I am afraid of you.  WTF?  I stepped back, informed her I would wait at the stairs and she instantly opened the door and told me I didn't have to be like that.  She told me she is scared of me so I walk back a bit to give her space and more importantly so our son isn't looking at me through a locked door.  I acknowledge this and then she changes instantly telling me I am behaving badly.  So I sat back at the stairs and waited, kept acknowledgement of the first point she raised and then our son came out. 

The look of shame on her face that I wasn't reacting and she realised what she had done flipping between two polar extremes was just so painful for me.  Normally I would react and tell her something, its ok.  Its ok to be sad we will have a great day and he will be back for dinner.  I didn't do anything, picked our son up and left with him. 

Normally if the first jab doesn't get a response the second would now I just know she will do something to get a reaction. 

I am finding this at work, in life in general.  I just don't give a damn about these things at the moment, concentrating on being a bit selfish.  Looking at everything from what is the best thing to do, how will I feel about my actions here.  I think with the lack of insight I have actually had this myself in the past, do I have a PD, well I have explored this a lot, I have some traits but definitely not a PD.  My lack of insight has been towards others in part, I haven't seen how I enable there behaviours.  Towards myself in a big way I haven't seen how unhealthy not taking care of my own needs has been for me long term. 

I don't know with everyone else however looking at myself and my actions to date has been the most powerful thing for me.  Seeing my previous mistakes and also patterns in life that are not healthy for me or those around me. 

Between the ACT books I have read, basically radical acceptance with a fancy name, trying to put that into practice and the mindfulness stuff trying to do that constantly it is pretty hard however I know its a healthy change.  I am feeling better myself about lots of decisions I am making, not out of fear or a sense of responsibility any more but out of a genuine will to do the correct thing where I will be proud of what I do towards others and what I do for myself.  Never looked at my own actions in this manner before, my own motivations, never looked at my own state of mind. 

That insight or lack thereof is something that has existed previously for myself.  I identify with the white knight thing and think it has been good to care for others however hasn't been good to not care for myself.  Without going through all of this I never would have learnt any of this stuff. 

Where are you all at with it?  I know I am a lot more at ease, more accepting of things that come along now.  Less stressed and less reactive when life throws me a curve ball. 

[ForeverDad]

She will do or not do whatever she feels like doing.  To a large extent we can't control that, maybe you can keep what you do from needlessly triggering her overmuch, but even that is iffy.  The only thing you can be sure of, the only thing, is what YOU do, how YOU act, react and hopefully not overreact.

View her tactics as trying to keep you off balance.  If you are off balance and confused by her constant changes then you are more easily manipulated and controlled.  Also, she may be trying to make you look bad or tempt you into saying or doing something she can claim was abusive or threatening.  Also, she may be trying to do "negative engagement", that is, conflict for the sake of conflict.  Also, she may be trying to get past your new boundaries, she's stymied by your changed behaviors and trying to figure out how to be able to push your buttons as before.  Boundary pushing is typical and frankly it may never end, the goal is that at some point she hopefully won't push as relentlessly.  Even so, you have to always remember that reasonableness and normal considerations will likely be perceived as weakness and invitations to push harder.

For example, when I want to make trades my ex afterward always claims I got the better deal, she doesn't do well with changes.  So I try as hard as possible to live with the schedule as it is unless it's important to seek a change.  It has to be worth the hassle.  Acceptance of sorts.