BPD and holidays

[Hawk Ridge]

Does anyone have any thoughts on how pwBPD react to their exes around the holidays? Do they miss us?  My ex and I were together for the holidays for the past 2 years.  I am missing her and it saddens me she is spending it with my replacement

[SeaShellz]

I don't know but I am about to find out since this is the first one in 4 years without him. Maybe he will try to contact me. I'm thinking maybe not since he usually was not too sentimental around the holidays. He was pretty low functioning though. I already miss him so I'm sure the holidays may crush me.

[hope2727]

I don't know the answer to this but I have been wondering about the same thing. Its my first christmas away from my pwBPD too. 

I know for us he was really depressed for his first christmas and sometimes tried to "play up" for lack of a better word his depression on other holidays. I learned to tell him " go figure out if you want to be happy or not cause I am planning to enjoy my holiday". He would literally pout awhile then come back happy and ready to participate.  He always had so much fun with me and my family at christmas as we love to cook and make homemade presents and such. We even have a family reunion of sorts every year. He soaked it up.

I suspect if he has a new SO he will immerse himself in her and her family traditions. He may turn to some of his orbiters as he has in the past. Or perhaps he will withdraw and isolate himself with his depression.

I suspect he was at a friend of mines for thanksgiving. I have ALWAYS been invited to said friends for thanksgiving and this year I was specifically excluded. So perhaps my pwBPD's smear campaign has been effective enough to do Christmas there too. 

I guess if they have new supply they will get validation from them. If not they will recycle an orbiter for validation. IF they are truly isolated they may even reach out to us. Who knows. Keep us posted on what happens in your case.

I haven't heard a peep out of my pwBPD in weeks and he seems to have dropped off the face of the earth in terms of Facebook and other social media. I don't know what to think about that. Any thoughts? Also what should I do if he does reach out over christmas? How should I react? Suggested welcome.

[Hawk Ridge]

I can tell you that I am wishful and hopeful but certainly not knowledgeable. I hated the holidays before her.  Then, i finally had what I always wanted, a loving relationship where we placed our faith first at Christmas.  I was loved and I loved... .deeply.  I'd be lying if I didn't say I am praying a lot as Christmas approaches.  During our first Christmas, she was wonderful but we had only been together one month.  She broke up with me four months later.  We got back together 3 weeks later and she cycled again by the fall so last Christmas, in retrospect, I think she was dysregulating.  She broke up with me again three months later, saying she had "fallen out of love" with me "months ago" without any other reason or intent to let us work it out.  I was devastated.  She said she wanted to be alone to grieve a previous relationship.  I suspect she had been trolling online as, ironically, she was "in love" 2 months later and I am the still grieving the loss of our relationship.  Ironic indeed.   Anyway, two months into their relationship, she began her contacts via phone, text, and email... .all very innocent but contacts nonetheless.  I want her back so I have no intention of running or going no contact BUT I have reached a new place in my healing where I am actually grateful for the lessons I have learned and will need to continue to learn about my contribution to the end of this relationship.  I have also begun to start to allow myself to be willing to date again.  I am trying not to dread the holidays and trying not to be hopeful yet... .i have to admit I am... .a little.  Her family loves me and I love them.  I still love her and overall, we had a positive relationship as I was not a mean person and she was a quiet BPD.  Her main issue with me is that I am an "overcommunicator."  Ouch.  Regardless, I really took the high road with her, even prayed with her when we ended and told her I only wanted her to be happy when she became involved with my replacement.  She knows it so no bridges burned.  Additionally, my replacement is amazingly different than I.  My ex and I didn't have kids.  I spent every weekend at her home as we lived two hours apart and it was not a big deal as I am very active and independent.   Being at her place is a big deal to her.  My friends felt she was isolating me but I didn't as I had many friends and family in her community too.  At the risk of sounding snobby,  my replacement is a downgrade: makes significantly less $ than I, not nearly as attractive (hate saying that), drives 4 hours each way, has MANY kids, and has family ties in her home area. Part of me wonders if her family is making the same comments my friends made about her unwillingness to go to the replacements home (not sure but pretty likely)  Last Christmas, part of my exes dysregulation was too many people in her home.  Soo... .with all of that, and the texts which happened even this week, I am yet again hopeful but trying to be detached from the outcome.  I am not on FB much anymore so I am sure that has her curious as to what I am up to.  I don't initiate contacts.  I emotionally try to not be stuck in NEEDING/WANTING her back anymore.  I think she has sensed that I am better and making steps to move along.  I know it sounds weird but I kind of do believe they have an intuition of knowing that.  If i had one word of advice, I guess it would be to try to get to a more detached level but TRY is a big word. I am 7 months out snd I am working on it all the time... .some days are easier than others.  So glad we have this board to get each other through the holidays.  They are not easy anyway and then to add to it, the recovery from a failed BPD relationship.  Thanks for being here - I need you.