Daughter of a BPD Mother

[mrcat]

I believe my mother has BPD, however she hasn't left the house in over 30 years.  Now she is ill and will not accept medical help.  It is always one excuse or another.  She says she's all alone, but she has 3 children and a husband. she says she's been abandoned, but we are right here... .

Just cannot win.  Sometimes I am her angle and other times I am a horrible daughter that has abandoned her... .

[Kwamina]

Hi mrcat

Welcome to bpdfamily!  Having a BPD mother can be quite difficult, BPD is a challenging disorder and I can imagine that her current health issues only make matters worse. Could you tell us a bit more about your mother's behavior that leads you to believe she has BPD?

The behavior you describe of one moment being regarded as an 'angel' and the next as 'horrible', sounds like the BPD-behavior known as 'splitting':

Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection.

Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.

You can read more about splitting here:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

It isn't pleasant to be called a horrible person by one's own parent. I have a undiagnosed BPD mother and sister myself and what helps me cope is to keep telling myself that no matter what they say or do, it isn't a reflection of who I really am but only a reflection of their own inner turmoil and fantasy world. Whether they call me angelic or completely demonize me, it isn't a reflection of who I really am.

[Ziggiddy]

hi mrcat

I am sad for you to be feeling frustrated  -I can identify with the feeling that you can't win.

I am also sorry your mother is ill.

It is of concern that she has not left the home for so long. Is she worried about going outside or is it from other issues?

Like Kwamina said, her behaviour to you or your other family members is NOT a reflection of your own self but rather her views, which, if she does have BPD will be distorted according to her emotions at the time.

It must be hard to do but in the end, her decision on whether or not to accept medical help must be left to her. I know it's not easy but she is an adult and responsible for the things that happen to her. Even if those decisions lead to bad outcomes.

As far as your own ambivalence, oh I SO get this! Please keep in mind that pwBPD use a lot of tools to keep us thinking we are good/bad but they really measure it in accord with how we behave toward THEM. This kind of thinking becomes very ingrained and we can be left with a deep sense of guilt that is not actually appropriate.

If the situation were reversed, would you try to make her feel guilty?