What do I do?

[hurtssomuch]

I should have run the time we had an argument many years ago before we got married.  He just exploded into a vicious rage and after all his verbal assault, he expected us to just go to bed.  He soon fell asleep but I didn't.  I tossed and turned in bed, not understanding why he got into that terrible rage.  I then left the bedroom and went on the computer on another room to chat with a friend.  When he woke up and found I wasn't there beside him, he glared at me with eyes as if he had the demon in him.  Then he stomped to the kitchen and got a bottle of beer.  He thumped the bottle of beer heavily on the desk in front of me and asked what I was up to, was I trying to stir up more trouble by not sleeping in the middle of the night and chatting with someone talking bad about him, when everything was okay.  I was so terrified I could do nothing but stare at him.  He was blocking the door of that room and he was so highly agitated I thought he would either hit me or launch into another round of verbal assaults.  What could I do?  He challenged me to say something when I could only stare at him.  But I knew there was nothing I could say because I couldn't out-talk him.

I learned too that tears didn't work with him.  When I cried in front of him once, he asked why I was crying, had my father died or mother died that I was crying?  He just refused to believe there was any reason I should be crying.  It was a nightmare.

So my tears don't come anymore.  When moments like these happen, when he turns into the demon, my heart cringes, my blood runs cold, I fear what words he would say to me, even though he hasn't laid a finger on me.

So we haven't been intimate at all for several years.  It stopped after the 3rd month of my marriage.  He blames everything on me, that I'm not passionate enough or I can't coordinate well enough.  I am just so sick.

He shows me off like a trophy wife, proclaiming sweet declarations of love in public, but nobody sees the real story.

What do I do?  Every day I feel like I've lost my voice, lost my emotions, because I can't express my real self anymore.  I don't know what to expect. 

[Take2]

Hurtssomuch. ... .Welcome to the forums.   I'm so sorry to hear you are in so much pain.  I know the pain all too well as do most of us here.  Your partner sounds very similar to my ex.  If I could give one piece of advice it would be to whether you intend to stay or leave him, be sure to read the tools on the staying board.  Learning how to communicate better is KEY if you have any communications with him at all whether you are together or not.  I didn't do that initially and that was a mistake on my part. 

Do you have friends or family you can find support from?  It sounds like you feel very trapped.  Maybe start to think about any possible resources you have for emotional support.   Including here but also in real life.   

Hugs to you... .This is a very painful journey. ...

[hurtssomuch]

Why am I staying?  I echo someone else who posted in another thread.  I don't know what to do because I have nowhere else to go.  The situation is bearable when my H doesn't explode or go crazy after drinking a lot of alcohol.  But I know I am getting depressed.  I crave for love, affection and passion, all of which is missing in my M.  I know he would offer these to me since he says he loves me so much, but I can no longer accept him wholeheartedly since I have been so hurt, bruised and traumatized from all his episodes over the years.

My friends and family in real life tell me to leave him.  They feel I deserve better and have offered to give me shelter until I find my feet if I were to decide to leave him.  In my years of marriage I have called the police once and another time I ran out of the house and spent the night at a friend's house.  I never wanted to get pregnant because I could only think of how I could get myself and a child out of the house in the middle of the night if I were to feel threatened.  Yes I am so trapped.

[Take2]

It understandably sounds very overwhelming.  Can you at least begin to take small steps that can help you feel less trapped?  Whether or you plan to leave at this point or not, plan an exit strategy anyway.

This is something domestic violence counselors will tell you.  Set aside money when you can.  Little by little you can start to get there.  Talk to a friend or family member about the real possibility of staying with them.  Or even if you don't feel comfortable doing that right now, you do know you can so that shows you aren't actually trapped.  Start to consider a break.  Many healthy marriages go through very rocky times and people separate for a bit sometimes.  Maybe that can give you breathing space to be able to determine what is best for you long term.  I know it can cause a panicky feeling, but there is no rush.  You can take your time and should take your time to fully think thru what you need.  Place the focus of your efforts on you.   

[Silveron]

Definitely don't have a child with him.  My wife is BPD and although she was actually nice after having our daughter about six months later she started back.  Our daughter is 6 years old now and is going through the same thing I am.  What I can tell you, that it does not get better.  No matter how much love, advice, support you give them.  The only way things will get better is by them realizing that 'they' are the problem and the illness they have.  This illness does not let them come to this realization and very few get the help and stay with it until they can function normal emotionally.

The abuse will get worse, I have been verbally abused just about every day.  I am the reason why her life is not what she expects it to be.  Any trouble she gets into is also my fault.  They are emotionally stuck at the age of a child.  They can function fine as a professional (most of the time) in the work place but home life is a different story.

It's hard to keep the bond when you are stuck in this situation and like you I crave for the affection and love.  I'm one of those romantics and when I started dating her she was all for it.  It wasn't until she moved in that things changed.  Been married now 10 years and I can never find rest and contentment.  Please start looking out for yourself, start setting short term goals and get your confidence up.  Please don't let this affect your own self-worth, you need to fight that everyday.  It's exhausting on our end and it's sad that our SO can't really feel the true meaning of love.

Only you can decide on what to do, however the day for him to magically 'see the light' and change into the person he should be for you will not happen.

[Isa_lala]

Hurtsomuch, you will find on the "leaving" board a topic named "lessons" where you will find a lot of information. I think there is something about feeling trapped.

Even if you don't want to leave your husband for good, you may want to take a break. But you may also want to prepare yourself. More you will prepare yourself, less you will feel trapped. You will take control of your life by making decisions.

If you feel isolated, speak to your friends and family members you can trust. Check if there is any shelter for women in your neighborhood, they probably have counselling services on the phone.

I would suggest you to take a break because you seem to be a little bit lost (no offence )

Take a big breath and tell yourself that there is always solutions

Let us know

[vortex of confusion]

He shows me off like a trophy wife, proclaiming sweet declarations of love in public, but nobody sees the real story.

What do I do?  Every day I feel like I've lost my voice, lost my emotions, because I can't express my real self anymore.  I don't know what to expect. 

First off, other people rarely see the real side of the story. When we are out and about, I don't put on airs. I am actually more fully human when out and about because I feel safer. He tends to put on a show and act like a doting husband and father. To outside observers, I am the problem. He will say otherwise but his mother will say stuff like, "I am always afraid to call you in the afternoon. I don't want to wake you up." Um, who the hell is telling her that I sleep all day? Today, we received a package from her and he asked me if he needed to call and thank her for me. Um, no, I am perfectly capable of calling/texting his mother to thank her for the stuff she sent me.

Anyway, is there any way you can take a vacation without him? I ask because that is what I did last year. I was feeling very lost and angry and hurt. I went to my dad who has put up with my mother for 46 year. If my mother isn't BPD, I'll kiss somebody's behind. LOL. Anyway, he told me to take a vacation. I had all kinds of excuses as to why I couldn't do it. Money, kids, etc. My dad helped me by giving me some money and his credit card. And, he pretty much told me to tell my husband that I was going. Of course, if I was doing something under the direction of my dad, I knew my husband wouldn't argue. So, I used that to my advantage and approached him with, "My dad has given me the money and says that I have to take a vacation by myself."

In all of our years of marriage (15 at the time), I had never gone on vacation by myself. I don't think that I had even spent a night away from home. Heck, I tried to go on a mom's night out one time and I got a lecture about when to be home and how to behave, blah, blah, blah. I was a bit floored because I had never really gone out prior to that. Anyhow, I went away for a week by myself. I did not realize how messed up things were until that week. I drove around. I slept in hotels. I shopped. I wandered around town aimlessly until my van broke. My brother came and got me and let me stay with him and his fiance for the remainder of the week and he fixed my van. That turned out to be such a blessing because I hung out with his fiance and we would go out to eat and shop and goof off. In the evenings, some of my brothers friends would come over. Some of them were people that we have known since we were kids. It was like a breath of fresh air because it reminded me of who I used to be. And I shared with my brother and his fiance and told them about a lot of the stuff that has happened. Whenever I need to run away, they are there for me.

I still feel lost and I still feel flakier than a pie crust but having that etched in my memory gives me something to hold onto and work towards. Since then, I have gotten a part time job outside of the house and have been trying to develop myself professionally. Are there things that you can do professionally or personally that are not related to your relationship? I find that to be very helpful because it helps me to see that I am NOT crazy and that I do know how to relate to others.

[hurtssomuch]

Thanks everyone!  I truly appreciate your input.

I remember once before we got married, I was so upset over one particular episode that I texted him after work saying I was going home to spend time with my mother.  I was living with him already then.  He texted back immediately, demanding to know why I was doing all this to him, etc etc, and threatened that I would come home and find his dead body or find him in the morgue if I insisted on staying away.  I felt so threatened I came home after work and he didn't say anything too when he saw me. 

It's always been like that.  He blows up, corners me, verbally abuses me, humiliates me; yet there is nothing I can do but keep quiet because I have found that tears are no use and I can't out talk him.  Then when he is calm, he comes to me again and expects me to be all positive and lovey dovey again.  If I show any sign of being depressed or hurt, he flares up at me again and demands to know why I am creating trouble again when it's already over.

I am dying to have a vacation away from him.  Before I met him, I was able to travel to foreign countries, even places where I don't know anyone, all alone, even though I am quite a "girly" girl and don't rough it out.  But since he came into my life, he has followed me everywhere.  He claims he is taking care of me by driving me to the hairdresser's and then coming to pick me up again when I'm done with my appointment.  Sometimes he hangs around in the other stores in the mall and comes to the salon to check on the progress on and off.  Other times, he might just go elsewhere and come back in a few hours.  I usually spend 3-4 hours at the hairdresser's each time because I need a lot of things done.

So my question is how do I get away from him for a little break without him launching into another aggressive episode? 

Vortex, I couldn't use your excuse to get away from him: 1) my dad has passed away; and 2) if I mentioned money, he would again accuse me to saying that he is useless, etc etc, since I am the breadwinner of the family - I bring in money for our household every month, but he doesn't, due to the nature of his job.

[vortex of confusion]

Vortex, I couldn't use your excuse to get away from him: 1) my dad has passed away; and 2) if I mentioned money, he would again accuse me to saying that he is useless, etc etc, since I am the breadwinner of the family - I bring in money for our household every month, but he doesn't, due to the nature of his job.

Is there any excuse that you can find to get away? I know that whenever I wanted to get away or do anything it seemed like my husband would try to find a way to go with me or throw a monkey wrench in my plans. Do you have friend or relative that can help you out or help give you a story that he might buy to get you some space so that you can think? It is impossible to think or breathe when they are always right there wanting to be in the middle of everything that you are doing.

[Silveron]

You can't worry about how he is going to react.  I would suggest writing him a letter and leaving it there when you leave.  Turn off your phone (make sure he doesn't have a GPS on it) and do not answer his calls and texts.  Do not tell him where you are at.  You need time to clear your head and as long as he keeps in contact with you, you can't make rational decisions.

It sounds like you are very fearful of him.  Insecurity leads to control, which then leads to abuse.  It's not fun, I am in it myself.  I guess you have to look at it, if this was your son/daughter in this position what would you want them to do?

[overcomer]

Each must decide for him/herself when they've hit the tipping point.  I hit it a year ago, packed my bags, and moved out.  It was the hardest decision I made but I'm enjoying the peace.  No more verbal abuse.  No more questioning.  No more accusations.  No more jealousy.  No more control and manipulation.

Now as I lay down in bed I don't have to worry about her going on a rampage and verbally abusing me as I'm trying to sleep.  No longer do I have to worry about wondering if I would die in the night.

Now I go where I want when I want.  I watch what I want, listen to what I want, read what I want.  I am free to hold my own opinions and ideas.  I can now determine my own identify and destiny. 

There's nobody keeping you there but yourself.  Your fear of the unknown.  There's safety and security in the known no matter how painful.  But he needs you more than you need him.  Your carrying the whole thing on your back.  You can set it down anytime you choose.  How he responds is up to him.  He's responsible for his own reactions, feelings, and regrets.  I spent 20yrs in this atmosphere and I had enough.  I didn't want to reach the end of my life and look back with regret.  I made my decision and I moved on toward the sunrise.  It's a glorious place to be and the night is quickly retreating.

[hurtssomuch]

Thanks everyone.  Why does this have to be so hard?

Even though we've not been intimate for 7 years now, we still share the same bed.  In the last 2-3 weeks, he has sometimes chosen to sleep on the couch.  His excuse is that the way the AC is positioned, it blows directly at me so that I am freezing and have the covers up to my neck, but he doesn't get the cold air on his side of the bed, so he feels warm.  Actually I enjoy that alone time when I have the room all to myself.

We don't have kids cos we obviously don't have any activity and I can't worry about having to get one more person out of the house other than myself if I ever need to run in the middle of the night.  So yes we don't have kids, but we have a pet.  The last time something major happened and he slashed his arm after lots of alcohol on an empty stomach as the guests I invited didn't show up, I got the cops to my house too.  And then when I did leave the house, he threatened that he was going to put my beloved pet out for adoption, or even send to the vet to be put to sleep.  His text messages were very aggressive and threatening, saying that he would do it.

And then my poor pet passed away of illness.  He got me another one just 2 weeks later.  I thought nothing much of it though I had some doubts.  Lately I heard from some close friends that at the time I lost my pet and he got me the new one, they were asking him why he got me another one as he should use the opportunity to mend things with me, he then told them that they didn't understand; he needed the pet to tie me down.  And they then said he was really cunning and he just chuckled.

So yes on another night when I got tired of his interrogating and countless repetition of unimportant things, I fled to a friend's house for the night.  Till today he doesn't know why i spent the night, but he didn't ask me about it either.  Again he threatened me that he was going to send my pet to the pound or put her to sleep.

It has been very painful in the last couple of weeks.  No explosions or raised voices whatsoever, but just quiet and silence.  I don't talk to him unless he asks me something. And when we are in our bedroom, I put on my headphones to watch movies on my tablet and he does his own thing on his tablet too.  And we each fall asleep on our own.

I know this is not how a marriage should be.  I am not young anymore, but I believe I am an attractive and passionate woman, just not with him.  He asked me this sometime ago - was it that I didn't want to be intimate with him, or did I just not want to be intimate with anyone at all, and of course, I chose the latter.

This is so sad.  My situation makes me think of the Stockholm syndrome.