Helping Identify BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, everyone.  I believe my mother has BPD and I have been in counseling to help me have a meaningful relationship with her.  She has never sought treatment for BPD and on the contrary believes she is the victim in every situation.  Even though I am in counseling, I am struggling with having a relationship with her if she will not seek treatment too.  I am worried about her overall well being, as she is now 60 and on disability. I honestly cannot tell you how many times they have moved over the years, but I can tell you that in the past 4 years, it has been 6 times.  They have nothing left and have trouble meeting their budgetary limits on a monthly basis. Although my father has ultimately agreed to move with her up until now, the idea has always been hers.  I am afraid that they will end up homeless because of her inability to be happy where ever she is and reckless spending habits.  Any suggestions on how to approach her (again) about getting treatment without her trying to shift blame and responsibility and it turning ugly?

I appreciate any help.  thank you.

[Dexter0420]

Hello, everyone.  I believe my mother has BPD and I have been in counseling to help me have a meaningful relationship with her.  She has never sought treatment for BPD and on the contrary believes she is the victim in every situation.  Even though I am in counseling, I am struggling with having a relationship with her if she will not seek treatment too.  I am worried about her overall well being, as she is now 60 and on disability. I honestly cannot tell you how many times they have moved over the years, but I can tell you that in the past 4 years, it has been 6 times.  They have nothing left and have trouble meeting their budgetary limits on a monthly basis. Although my father has ultimately agreed to move with her up until now, the idea has always been hers.  I am afraid that they will end up homeless because of her inability to be happy where ever she is and reckless spending habits.  Any suggestions on how to approach her (again) about getting treatment without her trying to shift blame and responsibility and it turning ugly?

I appreciate any help.  thank you.

[DreamGirl]

Hi Dexter,



The moving! I get that, the pwBPD in my life has moved pretty comparatively to the amount you shared --- I sometimes wonder if it's just thinking that life could be better with a new house.

I think there are definitely some different ways to approach her (using communication tools like validation and SET), I also think getting someone to go to therapy can be a tricky endeavor. Does your own counselor have suggestions in how to talk to her? Would she consider family counseling?

Welcome to our family. 

~DreamGirl

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Dexter

It can be very frustrating dealing with parents who have issues. The constant moving certainly takes it's toll financially and emotionally.

I am happy for you to have identified that you could use some help. Good for you for seeking counselling!

Something about pwBPD is that it is not always likely that they will see they have a problem and decide to get help. Even when they do it needs a good deal of work and time and commitment to get results.

No doubt you want what's best for your mum but the first step is in doing the best for yourself.

In the end, pwBPD find it very very difficult to accept responsibility and/or blame as it hurts their fragile sense of self.

is there a particular reason you feel you need to approach her about getting therapy?And like DreamGirl says,  is this something you have talked over with your own therapist?

It might be worth focussing on your own wellness to start with and making decisions after you feel you are coping with your r/ship dynamic.

If you decide you do want to go ahead and recommend therapy to her, it might be realistic to have a plan in place in case it does get ugly.

You may find it useful to read up on the communication skills DG mentioned.

There's an article about it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

Do let us know what you decide to do and how it develops out

Ziggiddy

[Dexter0420]

Why do I want her to get help?  Because I want her to finally have peace so that we can all have peace.  No matter what she's done and how little I think I feel for her, she is still my mother and I want her to be happy.   I understand like any disease, she has to help herself, but just like other people who undergo interventions of sorts, I was hoping having a heart-filled meaningful discussion might result in a break through of sorts.  I am an optimist to a fault and only end up mad at myself in the end for being a fool.

Thanks everyone.

[Mono No Aware]

Take some quiet time and put yourself in a mindset of Clinical Detachement.

Once sufficiently composed, look back through the years of Mom’s behaviors and look for clear patterns that display the 9 categorical criteria of Borderline Personality Disorder as published in the DSM-IV-TR :

1)   Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2)   Unstable or intense interpersonal relationships, with marked shifts in attitudes towards others (from idealization to devaluation or from clinging dependency to isolation and avoidance), and prominent patterns of manipulation of others.

3)   Marked and persistent identity disturbance manifested by an unstable self-image or a sense of self.

4)   Impulsiveness in at least two areas that are potentially self-destructive.

5)   Recurrent suicidal threats, gestures, or behavior, or self-mutilating behaviors.

6)   Affective instability due to marked reactivity of mood with severe episodic shifts to depression, irritability, or anxiety, usually lasting a few hours and rarely more than a few days.

7)   Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8)   Inappropriate, intense anger, or lack of control of anger, e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights.

9)   Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or symptoms of severe dissociation.


7 out of 9 would indicate Borderline Personality Disorder is present to some degree.


Keep in mind:

We are not the health professionals qualified to make diagnoses.

We cannot think about all those things without becoming emotionally triggered ourselves, as we have been hurt by our people with BPD. We need to take care of ourselves and manage our emotions properly.

We need to keep the behavior examples short and to the point, do not trap oneself in the convoluted war stories.

See you on the Staying & Improving Board!