Letter to Mr. Vortex

[vortex of confusion]

I have been thinking about all of the things that I would love to say to my husband but can't or won't for a variety of reason. Anyway, I drafted a letter that I would love to share with him and figured I would post it here to get validation, feedback, whatever. I just feel like I need to have somebody in the universe hear my story. I have kept so many thinks quiet and secret to protect my husband and avoid dealing with my own shame. Here it is:

Dear Mr. Vortex,

We have been together for close to 18 years and have been married for 16.5 of those years. There have been a lot of good times but there have also been a lot of good times. For a whole lot of years, I thought I was crazy. I thought I was crazy because you have presented yourself to be something you are not

To start with, you have always presented yourself as a very religious and upright person. I always felt inferior to you because you have made it sound like you and your family were great and my family was full of crazies. It was easy for me to believe that because you grew up in a small town and spent your whole life going to private schools. Your parents were pillars in the community and mine were, well, very imperfect and messed up. I get that. That is why when you insisted that we get married in your church I did it without question. When you insisted that we not have alcohol at our reception because you had family members that didn't drink, I went along with it. And that was just the beginning. On our wedding night, you selected an overpriced hotel so you could watch PPV porn instead of consummating our marriage. I didn't think anything of it because I knew we were both tired.

Fast forward a bit, on our first morning in the apartment together, I woke up to you looking at porn. When I asked you why you didn't wake me up, you said that you didn't want to disturb me because you knew that I was tired. That excuse was used repeatedly over the years. I always questioned why a man would prefer to look at porn and take care of himself instead of being with his very willing new bride. Again, I was met with excuses. You would tell me that you weren't doing that but I would find evidence that said otherwise. During those first years, I felt very worthless and unattractive. I had never experienced that before. The guys that I was with before you made it clear how they felt about me. When I would say things to you, you would dismiss me and act like I was crazy for questioning you.

Fast forward to you losing your job over porn. I was humiliated. You were working at a place where I had previously worked. I lost a lot of friends and connections over that. On what planet is it okay to look at porn at work and pleasure yourself in the bathroom. I find that to be very disgusting. I find it to be horrifying. You went to ONE SA meeting and then proceeded to tell me that you didn't need to go back because you weren't like those other guys. You never actually cheated on me. You never did anything with anyone but yourself. Instead of going to counseling or going to meetings, you put me in a position where I felt like I had to be the one to hold you accountable. Do you know how traumatic it was for me to have to ask you “When was the last time you looked at porn?” and not be able to react no matter what the response? That was horrible. It was terrifying. I squashed down every single emotion that I had to support you. I shouldn't have done that but I didn't feel like I had much choice.

You stopped looking at porn but you were still checked out. I wonder if you were ever really checked in to our relationship. I would think that I was crazy but I talked to your mom about this and even she commented that she can talk to you for hours and have it feel like you are not there. The lights are on but nobody is home. You live in a fantasy world in your head. I am tired of that. I don't want fantasy. I want REAL. I want somebody that I can rely on. I want somebody that lets me be me. I want somebody that shares my excitement with me rather than finding reasons to kill my excitement. When I got my current job, your biggest concern was your meetings and your stuff. You didn't seem to care that I had landed a job that is very difficult to get because I have to make sure that I work everything around the kids. That is another issue. When you are with the kids, you act more like a babysitter than a dad. Heck, I don't even think you act like a babysitter. You are just the token adult. Do you have any idea how little respect the kids have for you? NONE. They say that the dog is more of a man than you.

And, I know that I am having an affair. I know it is wrong and that I shouldn't talk to him anymore. To that, I say, so what. Do you have any clue what you have done to me? Do you know how bad it hurts to have your spouse push you off on other people? To know that my husband cannot get excited about me unless he thinks I am with somebody else is horrifying. Let's review some of the facts. Yes, I am the one that answered the online ad. I never should have done it. I did it after I had tried every way possible to try to get some help from you. I should have been strong enough to deal with everything on my own. However, after 15 years of protecting you and supporting you, I was tired and I needed a friend. I was isolated because I couldn't even go to the store without the kids freaking out. They were so scared of being with you because they don't trust you to not flip out and yell at them over stupid stuff.

I talked to M for a total of 2 days before I was overcome with guilt and told you. I had the false belief that it might upset you or shake you up enough to realize that our relationship was in trouble. I was in trouble. I was alone and scared and having feelings that I didn't know what to do about. No, it didn't shake you up. It excited you and gave you the perfect excuse to say, “let's see other people”. And in the same breath, you got excited and showed more interest in me than you have shown in years. Not only that, but you told me that you were bisexual. My head was spinning. I still can't believe that I arranged a threesome for you. I still can't get the images out of my mind of you with another man. I think I would have the same reaction if I was to witness you with another woman. I can be jealous and I don't like to share. You are MY husband and I want you to act like it. I want to feel like you are proud to call me your wife. I don't feel that way at all. I don't feel that way because of all of the times that you have talked down to me. I don't feel that way because of all of the times that you have nitpicked me in subtle ways. I don't feel that way because of all of the times that you have chosen your mother over me.

The whole open relationship thing was a huge mistake. It was confusing and it was wrong. It might have been okay if you had given me the space to actually talk to people without butting in and spying and wanting details. I feel like you emotionally raped me. You couldn't watch our kids so I could do wholesome things like go shopping but you would go so far as to take a day off at work so you could send me off to be with some other guy. What is worse is that you would pressure me for details and then get mad if I didn't give them to you. When I stopped talking to you about M, you emailed his wife.

I had been talking to J that whole time. J had a bit of sanity because he would listen to me and tell me how crazy it all was. Yes, I gave in to temptation and had a physical relationship with J. Again, you insisted that I give you details. Again, you would take off work so I could go see him. What is worse is that you tried to dictate when and how I saw him. You would take pictures of me and tell me to send them to J but if you found out that I sent him something without your knowledge you would come unglued. All the while, you were secretly sexting and talking to other people. Of course, you would change your mind constantly so I never knew which way was up. Do you realize how sick and twisted all of that is? You do whatever you want and then get mad at me when I start developing feelings for somebody else. What the heck did you think would happen when you used me as your personal ___? Did you really think that you would just be able to throw me out there and push me off on other guys and I would be okay with it? I am NOT okay with it and I will never ever love you in a romantic way. I will never ever be able to be physical with you without feeling a bit gross and dirty. I know things are messed up when I feel safer and better with a man that is not my husband. When I am with J, I do not feel guilty or dirty or anything else. No, he isn't good for me but at least he talks to me and doesn't make me feel like a dirty ___. I have a lot of angst and self loathing and self hatred because I never ever should have allowed myself to do some things.

Now, you want to act like nothing has happened. Now, you want me to go about my business and conveniently forget that you actually went through my emails with me so you could pick out which guy you thought I should get busy with. And you did this the day after our anniversary!

So, I don't give a rat's a$$ if you don't like that I still talk to J. I don't give a rat's a$$ how hurt you are. I am tired of putting your feelings ahead of mine. I am tired of listening to you act like the poor little victim. I am tired of you and your passive aggressive BS. I am tired of all of the times that you have acted like I am a monster because I won't tolerate certain behaviors. I am tired of not being able to talk to you or communicate with you. Oh, and I am also tired of the fact that you can't commit to anything right now because you need more time. I have given you almost 18 years of my life. I have had 4 children with you. I have stood up for you and protected you and loved you. What have you done for me? Very little. You would just a soon throw me to the wolves. Actually, that is kind of what you did that day you made me go see M for the first time. Do you have any idea how dangerous it was to send your wife to a cheap motel to meet a guy from the Internet? What is worse is that you were talking to him to and told him to make sure he brought condoms? Yeah, that is friggin' crazy. You need your head examined if you think this is even remotely normal. Even in alternative circles, this is NOT okay. I have read a lot about alternative lifestyles and nothing that you have done is okay in any circle.

I am trying NOT to hate you because we need to be adults and try to do right by our children. But, I am having a very difficult time not hating you and not being completely and utterly disgusted by you. I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with somebody like you. I cannot imagine growing old with somebody that does not seem to grasp the gravity of what you have done. I cannot live a life where I am afraid that you will wake up ready to give me to the next guy just to fulfill your voyeuristic illness. And I am not even going to mention how disgusting and horrific it was that you abandon me when I was drunk and let some other guy put the moves on me while you sat outside and watched. I may have been drunk and completely out of it but I did get my snap before anything went too far. Instead of feeling some kind of sympathy for me when I finally worked up the courage to tell you, you made me perform a sexual favor for you. I was friggin' drunk and you went home to look at porn. I was friggin' drunk and you abandoned me. You could have knocked on that door or come in and helped me get out of that situation. Did you do it? NO, your disgusting and sick self stood outside the window and watched.

For your sake, I hope you are able to get some help and change your ways. For your sake, I hope that we are able to go our separate ways so you can find somebody else. I cannot and will not spend the rest of my life with you. You are a sick and twisted individual that likes to hide behind religion and self righteous BS. I know that I am not perfect and that I have messed up a lot but at least I am honest.

Cheers,

Vortex

[Mutt]

Hi Vortex,

I'm sorry of all of the horrible things that your H has put you through. You have written words and feelings that are from the heart. It takes guts to get that off of your chest.

You sacrificed yourself and he wouldn't give you an ounce of attention or help out. I would hope that you could find it in your heart to forgive yourself and let go of your feelings of self loathing.

You were isolated and suffering for many years. You absolutely every right to be angry at Mr. Vortex.

You're a good woman. My   goes out to you and I'm sending a virtual   your way.

Do you feel a little relief for getting this stuff out?

[vortex of confusion]

You're a good woman. My   goes out to you and I'm sending a virtual   your way.

Do you feel a little relief for getting this stuff out?

Thank you Mutt!

Typing that all out made me sick at my stomach. I keep reading and re-reading what I wrote to try to come to grips with the gravity of it all. It made feel really good to say that I think he is a sick and twisted and disgusting individual. I don't think that I have ever allowed myself to acknowledge that. I have always tried to keep those thoughts at bay.

And it felt really, really good to say that I cannot spend the rest of my life with somebody as disgusting and thoughtless as him. I don't know how I am going to get out of this but at least acknowledging my feelings and writing out some of this stuff is helping. It is helping me to lift the veil so to speak. The funny thing is that I feel like I left a whole lot of stuff out. There are lots of other little things that have happened that I haven't written about or acknowledged yet. It is cathartic and scary all at the same time.

[Mutt]

Well I think I know how you feel. I feel like I found a place here where I'm not invalidated which is the complete opposite with my support network irl. With the exception of my birth mom.

I've been here for awhile and I feel like I dump chunks of my life here and there as dark as some of the pieces are. Things that I'd forgotten, things I never told anyone, none I asked for. I feel like I'm getting the pain, shame and guilt I carried many years from others and leaving it behind here.

You have some truly painful experiences Vortex and it's unfortunate. Don't judge yourself harshly and its understandable you're getting some mixed feelings. Find some time to relax and do something nice for yourself. You earned it, you dug deep.

Your H is incredibly selfish. A one-way relationship. He sounds narcissistic. BPD / NPD perhaps. I'm happy to hear that you're done. You don't deserve this and he doesn't deserve you. You're too good for him.

[Aussie JJ]

It is a process that each of us goes through individually. 

I have about 40-50 letters to my exBPDgf that I have written now.  Most recent was the day after she had the police file papers for essentialy a restraining order. 

I am like you in many ways here, I have all of these aspirations, more to the point had them.  Now I have such low expectations I know sending that letter is just pointless. I tried, oh it hurt so much I put everything out there apart from the details that I knew would hurt her, I allowed myself to be bulldozed in so many ways.  Even re-reading my letter after reading yours.  There is compasion in what we write.  There is someone who cares on a level reaching out and tryign to help and assist.  It is what we are as individuals that makes it so painful as the one thing that we want so much, be it from co-dependance or a white knight sort of attitude is the same thing on so many levels that the pwBPD wants. 

To explain, we want someone who will understand and work through those issues without judgement and be supportive.  A partner that will read those letters and go, I can see what your saying, see that your hurting and lets sort through this.  The difference is where your putting it out there in that letter and opening up with those hopes for change, those aspirations for something better for yourself and you husband he probably never will on the level that is required to make those changes we desire.  His expectation is we meet those needs and understand those problems without him having to open up and work through that pain. 

My exBPDgf certainly is like that, new r/s, new idealisation and off she goes. 

Things I didnt tell my exBPDgf that I will have to drag out in court and have her lie about are just so painful for her that confronting them will destroy her.  I dont care anymore.  I tried, I did the best I could and those issues are now hers to deal with. 

For the life of me I will always support her role as our sons mother however I will not hide from those very same issues that she hides from in a relationship or out of a relationship.  By writting the letter we are doign the one thing that a pwBPD doesnt want to do, we are confronting those issues not supporting hiding from them. 


AJJ. 

[vortex of confusion]

You have some truly painful experiences Vortex and it's unfortunate. Don't judge yourself harshly and its understandable you're getting some mixed feelings. Find some time to relax and do something nice for yourself. You earned it, you dug deep.

Your H is incredibly selfish. A one-way relationship. He sounds narcissistic. BPD / NPD perhaps. I'm happy to hear that you're done. You don't deserve this and he doesn't deserve you. You're too good for him.

It is funny. At the time, it didn't seem painful. A lot of it just seemed rather surreal. It was easy for me to question my sanity and my perception of reality. Some of the things that have happened seem like stuff from some kind of weird and twisted movie rather than it being real life.

And I never realized how one way things were. There was always a reason on his part as to why he didn't do certain things or couldn't do them. There was always some kind of reason that seemed bigger than what I wanted or needed. Heck, a lot of the times, the reasons came across as him trying to be selfless and caring. For example, the whole, "I wanted to let you sleep" thing always came across as him trying to be this very doting and attentive husband. And when I would try to point out that I wanted to be woken up to spend time with him he would act like my sleep was just soo important. And then, when I would stay up late after putting the kids to bed so that I could try to get some time with him, he would be asleep and I couldn't wake him up or he would roll over and put his back to me. If I said anything, he would apologize and act like he was a victim because he couldn't stay awake for me. It felt like he thought I was being demanding and selfish because I wanted to spend time with him and be with him.

Now, he is trying to pay more attention to me but it feels like it is a token last ditch effort. It feels like he is doing it because he knows that I don't want it. Actually, it is more confusing than that and that is part of the problem. It is like he is playing some kind of crazy psychological game with me but when I say anything or try to pull back he gets weird and I start questioning my own reality and my own perceptions.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

This made me cry! how HORRIBLE!

these are the type of guys i attract too.

it really makes me.distrust men and doubt the

human race.

I am so very sorry you have experienced this.

it was traumatizing and will be with you for a lifetime.

no one deserves those memories.

[vortex of confusion]

I tried, oh it hurt so much I put everything out there apart from the details that I knew would hurt her, I allowed myself to be bulldozed in so many ways.  Even re-reading my letter after reading yours.  There is compasion in what we write.  There is someone who cares on a level reaching out and tryign to help and assist.  It is what we are as individuals that makes it so painful as the one thing that we want so much, be it from co-dependance or a white knight sort of attitude is the same thing on so many levels that the pwBPD wants.   

Thanks Aussie!

I am still trying to figure out why I did what I did. For me, it feels like I was blindsided because my husband presented himself as something he is not. I couldn't get it through my head that his words meant nothing because his actions didn't back them up. And, I have always believed that the only person I can change is myself. I honestly thought that I was the problem. I honestly thought that I was the one with the unrealistic expectations. I thought I was the one that was being needy and demanding. It never occurred to me that the uncomfortable things I was feeling were a result of the fact that my expectations and needs were very valid and very real.

[vortex of confusion]

This made me cry! how HORRIBLE!

these are the type of guys i attract too.

it really makes me.distrust men and doubt the

human race.

I am so very sorry you have experienced this.

it was traumatizing and will be with you for a lifetime.

no one deserves those memories.

Thank you for the support!

See, I don't distrust men because of my husband. Not one little bit. I grew up spending most of my time with my dad and my brother. I grew up being around men that were protective while still letting me be me. I guess that might have been part of my problem. I was very naive. Even the guy that I was engaged to that was supposedly abusive did not treat me like my husband has. He could be a butt but he didn't pretend to be some kind of super enlightened nice guy. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that one human being could do this to another human being. I grew up in a very dysfunctional and messed up family. In some ways, I think my FOO was more normal than any of us ever thought. Not trying to dismiss the dysfunction that was there but am trying to maintain a balanced view of everything. I guess you can say I am trying to sort out what is real and what isn't and get a better grip on what is normal and what isn't.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Thank you for sharing your letter.  It is terrible the marriage you have endured.  Your husband seems to have inhabited some make believe land and has groomed you into becoming an actress in his fantasies without any regard for your well being. The sooner he is out of your life the sooner you can begin the healing process.

[Mutt]

There was always a reason on his part as to why he didn't do certain things or couldn't do them. There was always some kind of reason that seemed bigger than what I wanted or needed.

I understand dissociations very well.

On the one hand in the r/s I was enmeshed. Putting her needs before mine. Her dissociations (lying) and the alteration of reality was very confusing. I doubted myself. Did I hear that right? Am I the crazy one? My intuition was always there and it told me, there's something wrong here. She's not making any sense. I ignored my intuition.

The flip side being detached. I see it as simply a person that's altering reality to match her out of place feelings. My gut feelings were always right. I trust my intuition and I also know that what I interpret is my reality. Someone that tries to alter reality is manipulation.

When the alarm bells go off. Listen to your intuition.

So what is fact with Mr Vortex is that he doesn't have attention for you. He's narcissistic.

Why do you think he's acting nice now?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Youre a lot stronger than me... a part of me wants to trust

men but even reading this reminds me that most men are perverts

addicted to porn and ill never be enough.

im glad you dont feel that way from your experience bc its

a terrible feeling. seems everyone is dysfunctional and

screwed up these days.

[SickofMe]

I think sometimes really smart/open-minded people have more trouble deciding what is right vs. wrong, tending to hang out in the grey areas too much and then suffering the whims of other people, endlessly.

You couldn't have known that a religious, Christian man would feel like porn was a perfectly reasonable substitute for sexual intimacy.

You couldn't have known your husband would not only allow, but encourage you to be intimate with other men.

But now you know and it sounds like those are dealbreakers for you.  Honestly--I think they would be for MOST people, particularly the "open-marriage" which sounds like it's not really even a "marriage" but pure exploitation of you.  I would never been comfortable in an open-marriage, which is not to say that nobody could be or should be... .but it seems to me like if that is to be any sort of healthy situation, the primary marriage would have to be a real, intimate, and loving one.

It took real courage express your feelings and experiences here.  I hope you know that there is nothing wrong with your thinking this situation is unhealthy and not right for you!  I can't imagine anyone living like this and feeling happy and fulfilled, especially (but not exclusively) when you are raising young children together! 

I could be wrong but I doubt that these types of arrangements are EVER really mutual and empowering.

Hugs to you.  How painful.

[vortex of confusion]

Thank you for sharing your letter.  It is terrible the marriage you have endured.  Your husband seems to have inhabited some make believe land and has groomed you into becoming an actress in his fantasies without any regard for your well being. The sooner he is out of your life the sooner you can begin the healing process.

Every time I share bits and pieces of my story, I find myself thinking, "But it's not that horrible." If I were to read the same thing written by somebody else, I would have the same reaction. The other thing that I thing when people say "How horrible" is that maybe I am misrepresenting things. Maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing. After all, I did "willingly" participate in most of that stuff. I could have and should have said no. It isn't his fault that I had misgivings or seemed to change my mind. It is all part of normalizing something that is anything but normal.

I have friends that are into BDSM and polyamory and stuff like that. Even people in those circles frown upon some of the things that my husband has said and done.

It is so funny that you bring up the fantasy stuff. I didn't realize how much I had gotten sucked into his fantasy world until I started talking to one of my friends. I lost my head and went off about something and my friend told me point blank that I needed to take a step back because I was living in a fantasy world too. Oh my, that hurt like heck to hear but it startled me and made me realize just how spot on my friend was.

[Mutt]

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." -Søren Kierkegaard

[vortex of confusion]

I understand dissociations very well.

On the one hand in the r/s I was enmeshed. Putting her needs before mine. Her dissociations (lying) and the alteration of reality was very confusing. I doubted myself. Did I hear that right? Am I the crazy one? My intuition was always there and it told me, there's something wrong here. She's not making any sense. I ignored my intuition.

I didn't even catch on to any of this because I knew that I was imperfect. I knew that I had a lot of baggage. My husband represented himself as something he wasn't. I feel like I went in to our marriage being very honest with him and myself. Because I was looking at my own issues, it was easy to think that I was the problem. Not only that but he has a way of putting a spin on things and justifying things that really makes me question myself. And it is done so subtly. I hear of a lot of people that have stories where it is obvious. Nothing that my husband did or has done was obvious. I still find myself wondering if I am making a big deal out of nothing.

The flip side being detached. I see it as simply a person that's altering reality to match her out of place feelings. My gut feelings were always right. I trust my intuition and I also know that what I interpret is my reality. Someone that tries to alter reality is manipulation.

I don't even know what is reality some times.

When the alarm bells go off. Listen to your intuition.

So what is fact with Mr Vortex is that he doesn't have attention for you. He's narcissistic.

Why do you think he's acting nice now?

There have been a lot of times when I have ignored those alarm bells. I don't know if I have ignored them as much as I have simply turned them off or found a justification for them.

Oh, be he will argue that he does have attention. He will argue that he is trying. But, to him, paying attention to me involves sitting on the porch talking. I am tired of talking. I want to actually DO something whether it be go on a date or go for a drive. It is me wanting to be able to be with somebody without the need for constant talking. I don't think he has any clue what it means to be with somebody and pay attention to them and have real communication. I have been at work for an hour and a half and our email exchange already has something like 22 messages that say absolutely NOTHING. It is mindless chatter.

I don't know that he is acting nice. I might have said that a couple of days ago but today, not so much. My brother got married this weekend and I was really nervous and worried because my husband seemed grumpy because I was going to help set up with the wedding and such. I was the matron of honor so I had a lot to do. When I came home to get ready for the wedding, he got into it with our 10 year old. I was very proud of him for getting the other kids ready. I tried to tell him that. Of course, he couldn't find them shoes without texting me first. I didn't care what kind of shoes they wore. He is the adult, he can make those decisions. Plus, he should know by now that I am not that picky about such things. We get to the wedding and I wanted him to take some pictures before we went in. the kids were putzing around being kids. He was rushing the kids and that was upsetting them. Anyway, he gets this really terse tone and I can sense that all it will take is for me to say or do one wrong thing and it will lead him to one of his little tantrums. Really, they aren't tantrums as much as they are these little passive aggressive mind f**ks that leave me a bit confused. I was busy trying to make sure that everything was ready to go.

And then, this morning while I am getting ready for work, he asks, "So where do we stand?" I spent all day yesterday helping with a wedding and being matron of honor and was getting ready for work. That was the last thing I wanted to discuss. I felt like a dear in the headlights. He brought up the fact that I am still talking to my friend. It bothers him. I so badly wanted to tell him "I don't care that it bothers you. You never cared when things bothered me. You never cared when I came to you for love and support." Oh, and he had to make some snide remark like, "i bet you would have been happier being there with him" Um, no, I didn't care who was with me. I was there to do a job. It was not a date situation. I needed somebody to take pictures and help with the kids. And then he wanted to be a jacka$$ because there were no pictures taken of me and him together. there were lots of couples there that didn't have pictures taken together. Everybody there knew each other for the most part so everybody was flitting about catching up and doing their thing. Couples were not hanging on each other. Heck, even the bride and groom were doing their own thing a lot of the time. I attempted to bring up some stuff but he cut me off and says, "I guess that means that we are over." I just said, "OK". It was a mind f**k and I have no idea why I can't just come out and telling him things. I am just so tired of the talking and the push/pull.

The wedding was friggin' awesome and I got a lot of compliments and I felt so good because I was interacting with other people and helping them and there wasn't any kind of weird push/pull crap. I felt confident and today he wants to rehash stuff and get praised for taking pictures and staying out of my way. yes, he actually said, "I tried to stay out of your way." Um, I wanted back up and support not some jerk that was trying to stay out of my way. Uggggh!

[Mutt]

You have low self-esteem vortex of confusion. What you didn't realize when you met Mr. Vortex is that he has little to no self-esteem.

He's grumpy and having tantrums over this weekend because the spotlight is not on him. You were busy tending to the wedding, talked to a friend and the wedding isn't about him.

He's self centered, selfish and has hints of narcissism. That's his reality, it's about me! I'm sorry.

I'm also happy to hear the wedding went well  


--Mutt

[SickofMe]

Every time I share bits and pieces of my story, I find myself thinking, "But it's not that horrible." If I were to read the same thing written by somebody else, I would have the same reaction. The other thing that I thing when people say "How horrible" is that maybe I am misrepresenting things. Maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing. After all, I did "willingly" participate in most of that stuff. I could have and should have said no. It isn't his fault that I had misgivings or seemed to change my mind. It is all part of normalizing something that is anything but normal.

It doesn't even matter whose fault it is, you have described yourself as being deeply unhappy and dissatisfied in the marriage.

I mentioned to you in a different thread that I wasn't sure CBT was the best approach and you said you prefer it but this just makes me want to say it louder (I'm sorry, your story is just so sad.  Clearly you have so much intelligence and generosity of spirit and care so much about your husband and your kids.)

An observation:  You have identified with your abuser.  I think it's classic Stockholm Syndrome.  So you aren't perfect?  None of us are, but that does not mean you *deserve* to be abused, and make no mistake--this is an abusive situation.

A suggestion:  Ask yourself how you would feel if it were your daughter or son in your situation?  I don't know you, but my hunch is you wouldn't want this for them, feel they deserved it bc of perceived imperfections, or blame them because they got caught in the web of sickness. 

I don't mean to sound rude or abrasive but your posts are full of pain.  Nobody deserves to be treated like this and it makes no difference whether you participated (we ALL did).

[vortex of confusion]

You have low self-esteem vortex of confusion. What you didn't realize when you met Mr. Vortex is that he has little to no self-esteem.

He's grumpy and having tantrums over this weekend because the spotlight is not on him. You were busy tending to the wedding, talked to a friend and the wedding isn't about him.

He's self centered, selfish and has hints of narcissism. That's his reality, it's about me! I'm sorry.

I'm also happy to hear the wedding went well  


--Mutt

He is upset that I am still talking to my lover. I didn't make that very clear. I know it is wrong of me to do it but I have reached a point of really not caring what he thinks or feels. Maybe it is triangulation or me looking for a replacement. At the end of the day, I am not going to quit having a relationship with my lover/friend until I am damn good and ready to do it. My friend/lover asks for very little of my time. Really, he doesn't ask for any of my time. I pretty much do my own thing and when I catch him online we talk. There is an occasional text between us. Here it is the end of October and I haven't seen him since August. I know that what I am doing is wrong, wrong, wrong. I have know illusions or delusions. I have no desire to justify my actions.

But, what I do know is that when I really need to talk, my friend is usually there. He doesn't answer all of my messages. When I have asked him why, he flat out says, "Because I didn't think it needed a response." That is such a huge difference between what my husband does to me. He responds to anything and everything and I have no room to vent or screw up or anything really. I get to be very imperfect with my friend and he doesn't seem to hold it against me. We didn't talk to each other for 6 weeks one time. I went off on him about something and he said "see ya" in return. So I left him alone. When he was ready to talk again, he sent me a message. He said why he did what he did and I said "I understand". I told him why I did what I did and I said "I understand". There was not analyzing or any other bull___. We dealt with it and moved on and it hasn't been brought up by either one of us since. And my friend helps keep me grounded in reality. I am so afraid that I will get sucked into my husband's fantasy world again. I hate it but it is what I know. I am not afraid of being alone. I am afraid of completely losing my mind. I have essentially been married but alone for most of my marriage to my husband.

And, I have called it off with my friend a couple of different times so I could focus on my husband. When I had absolutely zero outside interests, my husband went right back to ignoring me. Last year during the holidays, I wasn't talking to my lover/friend at all. My husband spent two weeks of his holiday vacation on the computer. Heck, when my friend and I didn't talk for 6 weeks, nothing changed between me and my husband. I feel like I have given my husband first shot at me so to speak.