Is it bad that I am counting the days until my DD17 turns 18 so I can have peace?

[Googie]

10 months and 11 days and I will no longer be responsible for my DD17's messes I find myself having to answer for.

My day is spent driving her to and from a GED program from 9-11:30, a job she is creating conflict where she is not on this weeks schedule, have to enforce boundaries and consequences that trigger tantrums where people have actually thought she was possessed and not sick with mental illness.  Intensive in home became a joke when the team lead allowed her to attend only 1 session a week and I have to continue to attend 3-4 2 hour sessions per week which basically makes it impossible to work or be able to function outside my DD's world while she can sit and mock the effort I have lost myself and my purpose independent of the chaos we have to live with 24/7.

She's on probation that was extended for an additional 6 months while she transitioned home from therapeutic foster care which was another epic fail, and punches her bf in the face and throws a bottles of liquid motrin at him so hard it exploded all over the kitchen, dining room and hallway.  Theres something everyday that violates her condition of probation but her court counselor doesn't want to do anything because her charge is minor (assault) and wants to get her into a routine by having me cart her around.  

SMH, I'm so done please stick a fork in me, .  10 months, 11 days and I am free.  Until then poor, powerless, and very pissed off at the system as a whole.  At one point I wanted to advocate for kids in the mental health system but after these 4 years of battling the system and the incompetent professionals, I think I'd rather work in the sewers in NYC.

Has anyone had a countdown?  It's sick, but everyday is one day closer to being released from this insanity and regain my rights as a human being by showing her the door and legally not have to allow her to reside under this roof.

What a roller coaster ride that won't end until she decides to genuinely invest in herself instead of putting all her effort into lying, manipulating, and scheming ways to get what she wants at the expense of our entire family and few friends that have to be crazy to have stuck around.



Googie  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Oh Googie,

It doesn't make you sick to be doing the countdown. I think we have all been there, and we have all secretly wanted our BPD out of the way so we could get on with our own lives.

18 seems to be the magic number, and some of us strong enough to open the door and give our BPD loved one a push out, and some of us continue to deal with them living in our homes for varying reasons.

What I can say to you is, if counting the  days til she is 18 gets you through the day, and helps you to cope, then count them down.

I also think it is unjust that you have to have so much intensive in home therapy, while she does not, I'm sure it seems like they are trying to repair you instead of whats going on with your dd. Sometimes it's laughable.

Remember there will be some good days intermingled with these bad days, in the interim, try and take some timeout for yourself. relax and de-stress the best way that you can.

Hang in there.

[HealingSpirit]

Hi Googie,

  I don't have much time to respond, but I wanted to say I GET WHERE YOU ARE AND HOW YOU FEEL!  My DD will be 18 next week and the past couple of years have been relentless, daily drama. (Actually its been the past 17 years.) It is beyond frustrating to continually reap the consequences they "sow."  (sew?  I just woke up and cant think.  )

I don't have any answers other than to focus HARD on your own self-care. Be "selfish" about it.  If you don't take care of YOU first, you cannot keep running the BPD Marathon.  If you collapse, someone might actually use that fork on you.

Hang in there. I agree with you that the system is beyond crazy. Sometimes it seems like the whole world is upside down because things turn out so "bass-ackwards " from the way they should.

[mama72]

I feel you, Googie. Approx 200 day until my DD is 18. I just fear that this is not a magic number, and DD will still be able to cause turmoil. As much as I let her, I guess.

Blessings headed your way.

[jellibeans]

Googie

just wanted to lend my support... .our worlds are very similar. I am trying to control my anxiety about her turning 18. I am just taking it one day at a time. Some days are good and some are not. I feel if she can get through high school and graduate then we will be proud and happy for her. When she turns 18 in summer she will have to make some hard decisions. I have to remind myself daily to let my dd work out her own problems. I make suggestions but when she shows no interest then I move on. Having her try to solve her own problems I think it key. I am also driving my dd everywhere due to the car accident she had and no longer has a car... .I refer to my self as "Car Betch"... .that can be very tiring to be on call but I feel I am only responsible for getting her to apts and school. Anything else is extra and I don't feel I need to supply a ride. At times I am looking forward to her 18th bday but at the same time there is some fear of that day. You are not alone... .hang in there

[clydegriffith]

I don't think the chaos magically goes away once they hit 18. My daughter's mother is now almost 30 and her parents are still enduring the hardships of the collateral damaged caused by her illness. While i didn't know her when she was in her teens, i can't imagine she could have been any worst than she is now so i'm guessing the problem gets worse.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Googie,

I can hear the distress in your post... .Having so much on your plate must be really hard, not to even mention the stress.

I remember your other thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=234448.0

How's your family situation now?

Intensive in home became a joke when the team lead allowed her to attend only 1 session a week and I have to continue to attend 3-4 2 hour sessions per week which basically makes it impossible to work or be able to function outside my DD's world while she can sit and mock the effort I have lost myself and my purpose independent of the chaos we have to live with 24/7.

What would happen if you said this is too much for you and you can only match the amount of time your dd will attend?

She's on probation that was extended for an additional 6 months... .

There's something everyday that violates her condition of probation but her court counselor doesn't want to do anything because her charge is minor (assault) and wants to get her into a routine by having me cart her around.

What would happen if her probation was revoked? Would that change the situation for the better in the long run for your dd and your family?

If so, what would happen if you objected to the current status quo and documented and reported all the violations to the authorities?

What a roller coaster ride that won't end until she decides to genuinely invest in herself instead of putting all her effort into lying, manipulating, and scheming ways to get what she wants at the expense of our entire family and few friends that have to be crazy to have stuck around.

You are right about her needing to want to change. At the same time, her behaviors should cause her discomfort, it shouldn't all be at the expense of your family and friends - how can you shift the burden (or at least part of it) back where it belongs = to her?

[nzmum]

210 days    though where she'll go I have no clue

system is no better here in NZ

 

[mary290]

Googie, I just came across your post.  I have a dd who just turned 24.  When she was 18 and 2 days old, I reached my breaking point.  Long story but after years of BPD behavior from her, I just snapped.  She was being particularly abusive that night and I told her "that's it, I am done.  I want you out by 5pm tomorrow.  I have done what the State asked me to do and you are now no longer able to live here."  She was stunned and asked where would she go?  I told her I didn't care if she slept on a park bench, she was no longer allowed to live in our home.  My DH was out of town on business but he ended up supporting me 100%.  Fast forward to today and it is definitely 2 steps forward, 1.8 steps backward but she has never lived w/ us since that night.  She is close to graduating college, she is working and she is relatively independent.  BPD is still a huge part of our lives but she knows she has it (along w/ bipolar and narcissistic pd - when it rains it pours) but she is in therapy and we take it day by day.  I have an expression "when you have a choice between bad and worse, you have to choose bad."  For me, kicking her out was bad, but letting her live in our home when I had 2 younger kids and she was completely out of control, was worse.  So you count and don't let anyone make you feel guilty!

[SeaSprite]

 

I don't think it's bad. Or if it is, most of our household is suffering from count-down-itis as well.

I am doing the countdown (she's 17 tomorrow, so we have 366 days), not because my daughter will likely be out of the house (she's pregnant and taking community college classes) but because it will be a choice for any of us... .she'll be here because we are all agreeing on it instead of because I'm legally responsible for her.

She is doing the count down as well... .she thinks that when she turns 18 she and the baby will go live with the bf and he'll take care of them. I think it's unlikely, he's older, unemployed, and living with his family, so what are the odds he's her magic ticket out?

And now my sd17 is doing the countdown... .she's decided her parents are evil, her dad the lesser of the two evils, and she's living with us until she turns 18 and can move out and never look back. She's started doing self-harm and suicide threats now too. My h is at a loss... .she's decided that her childhood was horrible, and the only way she can ever be happy is if her parents get intensive counseling and become ... .I don't know what... .different parents? My h is trying to be supportive but she seems to just want to be left alone, and come out of her room to eat every one in a while.

My h is counting down to the day, some time in the unspecified future, when we have an empty house, or at least no suicidal/self-destructive kids in the home, when we can take trips together or plan an evening out without making sure neither of the teens are home alone.

[almostvegan]

My daughter is less than a month from 18. I keep saying oh good that's it I'm done. But really, then what? Where will she go? How can I throw her out? 18 to me means now she's legally accountable for her actions. It only means that I won't have to clean up her messes. But I know I will. I always will. It really stinks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[nzmum]

  I have an expression "when you have a choice between bad and worse, you have to choose bad."  For me, kicking her out was bad, but letting her live in our home when I had 2 younger kids and she was completely out of control, was worse.  So you count and don't let anyone make you feel guilty!

This is so profound.

Have explained it to my husband as he was having trouble understanding how I can be counting days.

Once explained he understood!

So thank you from the bottom of my heart.

We are now back on the same page!

 

[rebl.brown]

Thank God for your post and the additions to the thread.  It felt so good to hear someone else's story.  Thank God for your honesty.  I grew up in a home with a BPD mother and finally went no contact over a decade ago.  Now, an adopted 31 year old daughter is acting out.  I do not know if she is bp but she came from a terribly abusive past.  She came to live with us at 14. She grew up and did fine... .we thought. Her behavior over the last two years has been abusive, entitled and obnoxious.  I don't have it in me to go another round with anyone else.  Two months ago she walked out on her husband and 3 and 7 year olds and demanded she stay with my husband and me.  We said no.  I am still suffering the aftereffects of this.  I hear that old tape "you're responsible for me, save me, this is all your fault".  I am so angry with her.  She's gone no contact and its for the best.  I am struggling with my thoughts and letting her go.  I have no alternative.  I don't want her nonsense in my house and honestly I don't want a relationship with her either.  But it is a heck of a lot of grief wrapped up in all this too.  I can't believe I have another relationship that is non-fixable.  I wish I had never rescued her or ever laid eyes on her.  She has said things to me I will never get over.  She knows the hurt from my past too, wow, unbelievable that someone could do what she has done.  Thanks for sharing everyone and thanks for listening.

[SeaSprite]

"you're responsible for me, save me, this is all your fault"

Oh my gosh, this is my husband's ex. They got married young and were married for twenty years.

My favorite accusation out of the long and undeserved list: That it's his fault she never had a career because he had a good job so she never "had to" work. She did such a number on him convincing him that everything was his fault that it wasn't until she left him that he started to notice how unreasonable her no-win games were.

She does it to her kids as well, although much more subtly. She really does try to be a good mom, and would be without the need/blame stuff.

As hard as it is dealing with teens with these issues, it's so much more difficult with so-called adults.

It must have been so hard to grow up with this and that your daughter is doing the same things. I hope getting some space helps, and that you are able to find some peace. 

[js friend]

I dont think it is bad to feel that way Googie. We all end up just wanting peace in our homes and our lives.A few years ago I felt exactly the same about showing my dd the door once she turned 18. I even thought how soon after her 18th should I do it.Luckily for me she left of her own accord soon after her 17th birthday... .The first week she was gone I was on tenderhooks. I knew that she would be ok. The fear was more that she would come back tbh, or be brought back considering she was still under 18yo, but dd is very resilent and had been telling me for years how much she hated kiving here with me so I knew that dd would walk over hot coals before coming back home... .so in a way I knew she wouldnt be back that quickly, but I didnt want to get use to the peace only for dd to come back and destroy it again. None of us wanted to go down that road of the toing and froing again. Ive got back the PEACE in my home that i had been craving for years,... .and it feels good!

She still makes messes but its great that Iam not expected to sort anything out as far as these messes because she is now an adult.These messes are her own, and there are now firm boundries in place for when she comes over to keep her behaviour in check.