Realized my shift in attitude triggered the disorder

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

There came time In the rs where I was stressed out and couldn't always be in the happy blissfull mode with my ex. I had expectations of her and didn't tell them to her like I would suggest things early in the honeymoon phase. This felt like a prison to her and she felt engulfed and it triggered the disorder. And by trying to defend my point I fell into the role she designated me as the punitive parent.

It's not really my nor her fault just a misunderstanding.

The disorder is a tricky one and fools everyone involved at this point.

As soon as she didn't feel me encouraging the honeymoon phase she looked for it elsewhere it's just what it is. Nothing more nothing less.

[Blimblam]

There came time In the rs where I was stressed out and couldn't always be in the happy blissfull mode with my ex. I had expectations of her and didn't tell them to her like I would suggest things early in the honeymoon phase. This felt like a prison to her and she felt engulfed and it triggered the disorder. And by trying to defend my point I fell into the role she designated me as the punitive parent.

It's not really my nor her fault just a misunderstanding.

The disorder is a tricky one and fools everyone involved at this point.

As soon as she didn't feel me encouraging the honeymoon phase she looked for it elsewhere it's just what it is. Nothing more nothing less.

[Blimblam]

She actually wanted someone back in it and after a little while it could have been me but I would have had to  have processes everything and trully let it go. Then have had unlimited patience with her testing me and been totally in tune and trusting my gut never getting angry but giving a firm no and not letting anything break my own personal honeymoon phase she could be a part of or not.

[Pingo]

Blimblam, your inbox is full!

[Blimblam]

What i really see it as is reflecting the compassion I seeked for myself reflected outward and I became resentful when it was no longer mirrored back at me how I wanted. I felt like I was losing control over my own ability to have compassion for myself. 

I trully believe the spiritual wound we had compassion for in our exs is a universal one, a part of the collective self as one that we all share and have within each of us.

[Aussie JJ]

Blimblam,

Calm down, step back and just chilax buddy... .

The disorder is always there, it is always triggered, in the honeymoon phase that is the disorder, in the devaluation phase, the disorder, in the discard phase, the disorder... .

Nothing you or I do can control the actions of another person, they are accountable for there actions.  Serously, you are accountable for having a sense of self that didnt want to be worn down and degreaded, if that causes someone to cut and run, how is it your fault? 

There is two things you have to seperate IMO... .

Empathy, putting yourself in there shoes and saying, wow thats bad, I feel sorry for them. 

Compasion, seeing the pain and going, wow thats bad, I feel sorry for them. 

In an abusive relationship and it is an abusive relationship.  Having empathy is the equivelant of being a door mat.  Constantly bending over, understanding their pain and letting it go as you feel sorry for them.  Having compasion, saying, it isnt nice, it is painful, however THESE are my boundarys is a different story.  Boundarys with love/compasion is essentially seeing the pain, minimizing your impact on that pain and stepping back from it. 

It is the job of a therapist or nuteral party to have empathy.  For us to have empathy is to enable the abuse.  I know it sounds bad, you have to have compasion not empathy leaving the relationship as well.  Understand that pain they have is great, letting it dictate how you act is being disrespectful to yourself. 

You didnt cause that pain in them and they are responsible for it.  Just be mindful of it and do your best to be compasionate.  Ill expand latter gotta get off. 


AJJ. 

[Pingo]

Aussie JJ, great post! Love the distinction of empathy vs. compassion in abusive situations!

[Blimblam]

That is a interesting distinction ajj I havnt thought about it that way.  

I recognize the disorder was there before me and it will be there after.  

I think a big hold up in my detachment had been wanting to know if I meant something to her.  Which I realize i did.

It's just projecting what caring and love etc is from my subjective reality onto hers confused the heck out of me.  

It's been a hard lesson for me to understand that projecting my value system on others is a form of judgement and not recognizing where people are at In themselves dictates their subjective reality.  

I am coming to accept I can't make anyone see what I see.  The desire for me to do this is a lust for power over control of narrative.  Even if my narrative became dominant it still doesn't mean people see what I see, it doesn't work that way.  People are where they are in themselves and act accordingly. It's not my role to try to make them see things my way.  And how people deal with their shame is a sort of guage I think I will start using to quantify this is the future to protect myself.  

There is that part of me that desires to resolve conflict and this often sucks me into drama.  It is something I am becoming more aware of. At the core I do this out of compassion and is part of what made it so confusing.  I am begining to recognize in a lot of people harmful actions are seeds of compassion but the lust for control over narrative corrupts things.

[Blimblam]

This all comes back to where I was at at age 22 when I was at peace in myself and free. 

I created this mantra, "we don't choose where we come from and we are each at a different point in our journey."

We each live in our own subjective reality. Our own narrative which is a fantasy.  When somone takes a role that fits into our fantasy it doesn't mean they are that role in the fantasy. It's just a role they are filling for the time being. A role that gives them a sense of identity.  The same goes for when I take on a role in someone else's fantasy.  The fantasies and roles and associated emotions are as real and valid as anything else one experiences. It is not who I am though, just an experience in the journey of life. 

I am living this life on borrowed time.  To quote bill hicks, "it's just a ride."

[Aussie JJ]

Blimblam,

Ill go back to the original post or content.  Essentially accepting blame for the demise of a relationship is what you were doing.  It takes two to tango. 

My ex will always have that demise when she acts on those fears and tries to control a partner.  To have empathy or to react based on those behaviours and capitulate is to be a door mat.  Sure we dont understand it at the time however it is a traumatic series of events that puts us in the situation of having a no win choice.  Capitulate, agree or have our partner leave us.  Those fears are so strong that they will run away before we can in many instances. 

To have compasion is different, I understand that your feeling XYZ, however I wont ever do XYZ.  Seeing that pain, recognising it but not letting ourselves fall to that level and give in to those unhealthy behaviours. 

It is a hard concept to get your head around.  I don't understand it, wont pretend to understand it.  I try to make sure I don't enable the dynamic, I look for every time I am being made out to be the victim/persecutor or rescuer role and try to not play any of those roles.  That is how I deal with it, takes the power out of the thought patterns and done the behaviours have no effect on me and are nulified.  I am being respectful of myself, my values and ultimately the other person as I am doing what is the correct thing to do. 

It takes the abuse out of the relationship, makes it just what is from our reality without decimating their reality.  In the end those behaviours do that to us, decimate us. 

There are so many things you can do to hurt people, pwBPD are just a lot more precious with there feelings.  Just dont hurt them, simple?  We all know that isn't the case. 


AJJ. 

[Blimblam]

Well it's not that it was my fault I just got stressed about and was busy. It triggered my exs fears. It's not

My fault she has these issues but it is what happened.  I didn't know about the disorder then and it confused me. I didn't really become a doormat too her. I called her on her crap so she got really sneaky about it. She adapted and found ways to hurt me. It was sadistic. I don't blame myself.

But I did feel her pain and I know what she is dealing with.

I do feel compassion for her that her existance is so tormented.