It's always a competition

[flowerpath]

Before finding this website, I never understood all of the ways he has been in some kind of competition with me.

A few days ago he was offered a new job with a salary increase.  I think most husbands would excitedly tell their wives about it.  Not so here.  He didn't tell me up front.  The first thing he did was ask how much I make a year.   I found out about the job later by accident.   

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[Inquisitive1]

That does suck. Shows a lack of consideration for how you feel and an internal need to compete. Is the need to compete and compare a cardinal feature of BPD?

Lord knows, my BPDw is always making comparisons and then telling me I'm the competitive one.

[flowerpath]

I'm thinking this competition stuff has been all about the need for validation.  His salary has never been higher than mine, so if it had been this time, it would have been a huge validation.  Just getting the job itself is a good thing, though. 

[Cat21]

That stinks, Flowerpath. I can totally identify with the competitiveness. Almost everything between by H and I is a competition (to him). It's incredibly annoying, but I think you're right- it's all about validation. I try to remember that, too, and thank him for cooking dinner and doing laundry occasionally... .despite the fact that I'm never thanked at all. 

[jedimaster]

Have similar situations here.  Everything is a zero-sum game.  Anyone else's success is success that should have been theirs, so they could feel validated.  I'm still working on how to handle things like that, but you have to try to be happy for their successes, and for your own as well, and don't be dragged into their way of thinking.