This shows she never cared for me

[Bak86]

We broke up about 5 months ago. During this time i watched her being sick/ill quite a few times. I cared for her and asked her if i could do anything for her and wished her well and all. Now i am sick for about a week(sinusitis) and i haven't heard a peep from her. I mean i don't expect an ex to have warm feelings for me, but she's also a coworker and could at least send me a get well text... .

2nd thing is that another coworker, who is a motherly figure, always cares for someone when they get sick. She asks if she can do your groceries, makes you soup etc. etc. She has done this a lot of times with different coworkers. Now this coworker and i get along extremely well and my ex knows this. My ex manipulated her by saying she need to stay away from me. So guess what, i haven't heard a peep from her either! So insulted... .

[Take2]

Hi Bak86... .  I too work with my exBPDbf... .  the lack of empathy seems to play a role in them not ever checking in to see how we are when sick or going thru any difficult experience.  Even when we were together, he never did.  Even right now, as he knows that my dog was diagnosed with liver cancer last week, a dog he loves, he hasn't asked once how she's doing.  It doesn't even occur to him I think.

And it does add insult to injury if they manipulate others into not talking to you... .that really is hard.  I'm so sorry.  I do wonder what my ex has said to coworkers about me... .   I haven't been able to interact with any of them for so long (all those efforts to please the beast and avoid the rages) - they don't really think much about me I don't think.  It's quite lonely at work that way. 

But back to your point... .does her not reaching out confirm that she never cared?  I don't know that that's true.  She cared in her own way.  She just isn't capable of seeing outside of herself to understand what you are truly feeling.  She's only focused on her own reality... . 

I hope you feel better! 

[Bak86]

Hi Bak86... . I too work with my exBPDbf... . the lack of empathy seems to play a role in them not ever checking in to see how we are when sick or going thru any difficult experience.  Even when we were together, he never did.  Even right now, as he knows that my dog was diagnosed with liver cancer last week, a dog he loves, he hasn't asked once how she's doing.  It doesn't even occur to him I think.

And it does add insult to injury if they manipulate others into not talking to you... .that really is hard.  I'm so sorry.  I do wonder what my ex has said to coworkers about me... .  I haven't been able to interact with any of them for so long (all those efforts to please the beast and avoid the rages) - they don't really think much about me I don't think.  It's quite lonely at work that way.  

But back to your point... .does her not reaching out confirm that she never cared?  I don't know that that's true.  She cared in her own way.  She just isn't capable of seeing outside of herself to understand what you are truly feeling.  She's only focused on her own reality... . 

I hope you feel better!  

When we were together she actually did check up on me. She would get worried sick, thought i would die if i had a doctor's appointment. But that's just fear of abandonment, not genuine care i think.

It just pisses me off that even though i don't care about her anymore(i'm out of the fog!) that on moments like these she still manages to push my buttons.

And thank you

[Deeno02]

Hi Bak86... . I too work with my exBPDbf... . the lack of empathy seems to play a role in them not ever checking in to see how we are when sick or going thru any difficult experience.  Even when we were together, he never did.  Even right now, as he knows that my dog was diagnosed with liver cancer last week, a dog he loves, he hasn't asked once how she's doing.  It doesn't even occur to him I think.

And it does add insult to injury if they manipulate others into not talking to you... .that really is hard.  I'm so sorry.  I do wonder what my ex has said to coworkers about me... .  I haven't been able to interact with any of them for so long (all those efforts to please the beast and avoid the rages) - they don't really think much about me I don't think.  It's quite lonely at work that way.  

But back to your point... .does her not reaching out confirm that she never cared?  I don't know that that's true.  She cared in her own way.  She just isn't capable of seeing outside of herself to understand what you are truly feeling.  She's only focused on her own reality... . 

I hope you feel better!  

When we were together she actually did check up on me. She would get worried sick, thought i would die if i had a doctor's appointment. But that's just fear of abandonment, not genuine care i think.

It just pisses me off that even though i don't care about her anymore(i'm out of the fog!) that on moments like these she still manages to push my buttons.

And thank you

Mine did as well. For a bit. The only real time she did was when I was laid up with a kidney stone. She helped out. Otherwise, as the r/s progressed, I would get a cold, or back hurt, I would be made fun of and called an oldman. Asked her for help in trying to lose some weight because shes into Sports Medicine and coaching as I was faced with a diabetes scare. Her response after I asked? "Then do it". Not, ok, lets see what we can do, or let me help, nothing. When she was having her bouts of anxiety (emergency xanax runs) or her Fibromyalgia BS, I would be doting on her making sure she was ok, holding her, massaging her, stuff like that. What a dumb ass I was... .

[Lucky One]

------ on moments like these she still manages to push my buttons.

Pushing our buttons  - that's their game.

My uBPDw has never really shown sympathy when I got ill.

So I gave it back to her, last week, when she was talking about her feeling sick. Didn't like it. She even started asking questions about my sore back.

So try that next time. Show no interest in their illness. You may just get a response.

But, do be careful - you may just get more than you bargained for.

[Mr Hollande]

When I was taken off sick with stress from work for 3 months (much due to her but not exclusively) she seemed annoyed at first. It was as if she thought I was simulating an excuse for her to let me off the hook. The fact that she had gaslighted the life out of me (often on my way in to work, work which was incredibly stressful at the time) for months was lost on her. They never care about anyone else's hardship. Only their own.

[tim_tom]

When I was taken off sick with stress from work for 3 months (much due to her but not exclusively) she seemed annoyed at first. It was as if she thought I was simulating an excuse for her to let me off the hook. The fact that she had gaslighted the life out of me (often on my way in to work, work which was incredibly stressful at the time) for months was lost on her. They never care about anyone else's hardship. Only their own.

Werd... .they are awful little trolls

Mine encouraged me to take a high profile position for the money, which I warned her would be super stressful, then proceeded to give me a hard time daily about any little thing cause I was travelling and working more and not at her beck and call. Post breakup I brought this up and said something like I warned you I was going to be under a lot of pressure and instead of supporting me you were getting pissed at me constantly, for the first time in our relationship, I needed you.  Her response was "but I needed you". asswipe

[Lucky One]

They never care about anyone else's hardship. Only their own.

Sorry to say - but that's been my experience as well.

[Lucky One]

... .for the first time in our relationship, I needed you.  

Her response was "but I needed you". asswipe

That's really lousy. But I know the feeling. Experienced similar.

And what we do for them - the extra's - like this highly paid job of yours - most times doesn't even make an impression on them

[Bak86]

When I was taken off sick with stress from work for 3 months (much due to her but not exclusively) she seemed annoyed at first. It was as if she thought I was simulating an excuse for her to let me off the hook. The fact that she had gaslighted the life out of me (often on my way in to work, work which was incredibly stressful at the time) for months was lost on her. They never care about anyone else's hardship. Only their own.

So selfish 

[clydegriffith]

I wouldn't say she never cared for you. These people believe what they feel when they're feeling it, i fully believe that. The thing is that their feelings go from one extreme to the other and once they move on to the next victim it's as if you never existed.

[Mr Hollande]

Yes and no. The numerous recycling attempts disprove your theory somewhat.

[Mr Hollande]

When I was taken off sick with stress from work for 3 months (much due to her but not exclusively) she seemed annoyed at first. It was as if she thought I was simulating an excuse for her to let me off the hook. The fact that she had gaslighted the life out of me (often on my way in to work, work which was incredibly stressful at the time) for months was lost on her. They never care about anyone else's hardship. Only their own.

Werd... .they are awful little trolls

Mine encouraged me to take a high profile position for the money, which I warned her would be super stressful, then proceeded to give me a hard time daily about any little thing cause I was travelling and working more and not at her beck and call. Post breakup I brought this up and said something like I warned you I was going to be under a lot of pressure and instead of supporting me you were getting pissed at me constantly, for the first time in our relationship, I needed you.  Her response was "but I needed you". asswipe

Which goes some way to prove their state of arrested development. I'm guessing she wanted the money and all the nice things they would bring her but the trade off where your health suffered mattered less. Then when you reached your limit she saw inconvenience instead of the person closest to her carrying a bigger load than he could handle. Imagine seeing something like that up close and lacking the ability to empathise. Shocking.

[OutOfEgypt]

A personality disordered person who is self-centered is going to act like a self-centered, personality-disordered person.

Does it mean she never cared for you?  No.  It means she cared for you in the way she is capable of... .which is out of need, as it supplied her needs, as it revolved around her.  Take it for what it is and let it go.  Give yourself the gift of accepting this and not looking for anything from her anymore as you continue in your new life.  That is what disengaging is all about.  You let go of seeking anything from her and you say goodbye.

[susanleona]

A rather terrible day in my life highlighted the thought process of my BPDex.  I was getting my hair done, the stereo was on, playing La Mer.  Not necessarily a sad song, but for some reason I began to cry.  When I got home my ex (we were married 32 years and got divorced before I met the BPD) called to tell me the good news that he was getting married again.  I congratulated him, but felt a bit down.  Then BPD called to video chat.  I told him the news. Sympathy would have been good, but this is a stretch for anyone I suppose.  What he said was "you should get yourself someone before you retire".  That, of course, is what he would be thinking of doing if he thought a relationship was over, and he somehow must not have understood that my marriage was long over.  It also underlined the fact that I was now friend zoned and while our r/s was over, he would still want to call and confide in me all the time, about his own stuff, and flirt etc. and treat me emotionally like a girlfriend without really acknowledging it.

[Mr. Solo]

We broke up about 5 months ago. During this time i watched her being sick/ill quite a few times. I cared for her and asked her if i could do anything for her and wished her well and all. Now i am sick for about a week(sinusitis) and i haven't heard a peep from her. I mean i don't expect an ex to have warm feelings for me, but she's also a coworker and could at least send me a get well text... .

2nd thing is that another coworker, who is a motherly figure, always cares for someone when they get sick. She asks if she can do your groceries, makes you soup etc. etc. She has done this a lot of times with different coworkers. Now this coworker and i get along extremely well and my ex knows this. My ex manipulated her by saying she need to stay away from me. So guess what, i haven't heard a peep from her either! So insulted... .

My dBPDw does similar things. Actually, she was very good at taking care of our family in such ways the first 14 years of our marriage. However, once she "snapped" about four years ago she is as you have described. I am a disabled veteran and have back problems. A few years ago I had issues with my back for a few weeks. I had difficulty even walking. My dBPD basically checked out those few weeks. She stayed gone (many times with our kids). I am talking getting up, taking the kids to school, going to a friend's home until it was time to pick the kids up from school, going back to a friend's house, and not coming home sometimes until right at the kids' bedtime and, if it was a weekend, maybe not coming home at all. Then, believe it or not, she would go back to a friends' home and leave the kids with me (on school nights) because, "They are asleep anyways and since you are not feeling well you can't go anywhere and one of us needs to stay home. You are here so I'm going to go... ." After a few weeks of this, I said something and it was a HUGE FIGHT. According to her, she took great care of me. She asked if I needed anything so she was good. What also sucks is I saw a text once between my wife and a friend where I had asked her to get me something for lunch and she told her friend, ":)amn it! ******* wants me to get him something for lunch. Ugh. I am gonna be later than I planned."

The last few years we were together she also forgot my birthdays and our anniversaries. Once she remembered but did nothing. When I mentioned I didn't get a cake or ANYTHING she said I was being a baby. Adults don't get cakes or presents. That was something new. We had cakes for each other every year of our marriage. In fact, just a month or two after I found out she was cheating on me, I STILL made her a cake. I made sure the kids had her something and I had her something. And last year on her birthday, just a few months after she left me and tried to take the kids and we were in the throes of a divorce, she actually was extremely upset because I didn't get her anything on her birthday. I told her happy birthday. I made sure the kids had her something (even a cake to give her). But because I didn't get her anything I was mean.

[Bak86]

We broke up about 5 months ago. During this time i watched her being sick/ill quite a few times. I cared for her and asked her if i could do anything for her and wished her well and all. Now i am sick for about a week(sinusitis) and i haven't heard a peep from her. I mean i don't expect an ex to have warm feelings for me, but she's also a coworker and could at least send me a get well text... .

2nd thing is that another coworker, who is a motherly figure, always cares for someone when they get sick. She asks if she can do your groceries, makes you soup etc. etc. She has done this a lot of times with different coworkers. Now this coworker and i get along extremely well and my ex knows this. My ex manipulated her by saying she need to stay away from me. So guess what, i haven't heard a peep from her either! So insulted... .

My dBPDw does similar things. Actually, she was very good at taking care of our family in such ways the first 14 years of our marriage. However, once she "snapped" about four years ago she is as you have described. I am a disabled veteran and have back problems. A few years ago I had issues with my back for a few weeks. I had difficulty even walking. My dBPD basically checked out those few weeks. She stayed gone (many times with our kids). I am talking getting up, taking the kids to school, going to a friend's home until it was time to pick the kids up from school, going back to a friend's house, and not coming home sometimes until right at the kids' bedtime and, if it was a weekend, maybe not coming home at all. Then, believe it or not, she would go back to a friends' home and leave the kids with me (on school nights) because, "They are asleep anyways and since you are not feeling well you can't go anywhere and one of us needs to stay home. You are here so I'm going to go... ." After a few weeks of this, I said something and it was a HUGE FIGHT. According to her, she took great care of me. She asked if I needed anything so she was good. What also sucks is I saw a text once between my wife and a friend where I had asked her to get me something for lunch and she told her friend, ":)amn it! ******* wants me to get him something for lunch. Ugh. I am gonna be later than I planned."

The last few years we were together she also forgot my birthdays and our anniversaries. Once she remembered but did nothing. When I mentioned I didn't get a cake or ANYTHING she said I was being a baby. Adults don't get cakes or presents. That was something new. We had cakes for each other every year of our marriage. In fact, just a month or two after I found out she was cheating on me, I STILL made her a cake. I made sure the kids had her something and I had her something. And last year on her birthday, just a few months after she left me and tried to take the kids and we were in the throes of a divorce, she actually was extremely upset because I didn't get her anything on her birthday. I told her happy birthday. I made sure the kids had her something (even a cake to give her). But because I didn't get her anything I was mean.

They all are the same!

[Mr Hollande]

So much for in sickness and in health.

[tim_tom]

Which goes some way to prove their state of arrested development. I'm guessing she wanted the money and all the nice things they would bring her but the trade off where your health suffered mattered less. Then when you reached your limit she saw inconvenience instead of the person closest to her carrying a bigger load than he could handle. Imagine seeing something like that up close and lacking the ability to empathise. Shocking.

spot on... .then of course it was all my fault , including the way she treated me during it

Jerks

[Lucky One]

I've been in this relationship 38 years.

Two months ago was our 32 wedding anniversary. A milestone in any marriage.

I got NOTHING - No present - No Cake - No nothing - No Hug - No Kiss - No Thanks for sharing your life with me, for being loyal, for taking my grief and problems over the years - Etc. Etc.

NOTHING.

Actually sorry - that's not true - I got an ANGRY insult.

When I gave uBPDw her anniversary presents (two) - She told me to shove them!

She just didn't tell me where.

So next month is my 65th birthday - Also a milestone in any persons life.

I hope and pray she forgets - I'm tired of shoving!

[Pieter2]

Yep - They do not really care. They do not have the capacity. It is a shame. Immagine how their parents must feel. After years of parental sacrifice: Money, providing food, clothes, schooling etc. only to have it shoved in their faces. Wow.

[Lucky One]

Yep - They do not really care. They do not have the capacity. It is a shame. Immagine how their parents must feel. After years of parental sacrifice: Money, providing food, clothes, schooling etc. only to have it shoved in their faces. Wow.

Her parents weren't any better. The Father was an abusive Alcoholic. He is deceased.

The whole family took verbal and pshycological abuse from him.

And then the Tee-totaller (me) came to rescue her out of that abuse.

I was the only one who told him if he tried anything more, I'd sort him out.

So, I was the Knight in "Shining Armour".

Only thing is the Knight and the shine got rusty (old).

[Bak86]

I've been in this relationship 38 years.

Two months ago was our 32 wedding anniversary. A milestone in any marriage.

I got NOTHING - No present - No Cake - No nothing - No Hug - No Kiss - No Thanks for sharing your life with me, for being loyal, for taking my grief and problems over the years - Etc. Etc.

NOTHING.

Actually sorry - that's not true - I got an ANGRY insult.

When I gave uBPDw her anniversary presents (two) - She told me to shove them!

She just didn't tell me where.

So next month is my 65th birthday - Also a milestone in any persons life.

I hope and pray she forgets - I'm tired of shoving!

That's just terrible. Reading posts like these make me realize how lucky i got. I only had a r/s with her for 5 months.

[Bak86]

I tested her today. Finally got to work again(still in pain though), and she was sitting with some coworkers. I talked to a coworker who she was sitting with, coworker asked how i am, i give the full details of that i was in a lot of pain and i still have painkillers and antibiotics etc., My ex didn't say a word the whole time, while the others were like "awwww that's awful, wish you the best". No words from my ex, nothing. Absolutely nothing. I guess im still painted black

[Lucky One]

I tested her today. Finally got to work again(still in pain though), and she was sitting with some coworkers. I talked to a coworker who she was sitting with, coworker asked how i am, i give the full details of that i was in a lot of pain and i still have painkillers and antibiotics etc., My ex didn't say a word the whole time, while the others were like "awwww that's awful, wish you the best". No words from my ex, nothing. Absolutely nothing. I guess im still painted black

I know it's hard to accept - It's like total rejection.

And if you've done nothing wrong, like most of us - even harder to understand.

Thank God, for this website that gives us the understanding otherwise we'd still be totally confused and lost in the F O G

[strikeforce]

I always had a feeling that they look down on us when we are ill or at a low point. As if they smell the weakness.

[Deeno02]

I tested her today. Finally got to work again(still in pain though), and she was sitting with some coworkers. I talked to a coworker who she was sitting with, coworker asked how i am, i give the full details of that i was in a lot of pain and i still have painkillers and antibiotics etc., My ex didn't say a word the whole time, while the others were like "awwww that's awful, wish you the best". No words from my ex, nothing. Absolutely nothing. I guess im still painted black

I know it's hard to accept - It's like total rejection.

And if you've done nothing wrong, like most of us - even harder to understand.

Thank God, for this website that gives us the understanding otherwise we'd still be totally confused and lost in the F O G

I will never ever say that I didnt do anything wrong in a relationship. It does take two and I own my mistakes. However, I never realized a mistake, however big or small, would have such a extra large impact on a relationship with a BPD. Wow. The stuff flying at me as she was dumping me via text and again in person, left me literally shaking. Stuff that was so trivial and some of it was made up, or stuff that wouldnt even be a blip on a normal persons life all came flying out at me. And then to drag my kids into it was life changing to say the least.

[Lucky One]

I tested her today. Finally got to work again(still in pain though), and she was sitting with some coworkers. I talked to a coworker who she was sitting with, coworker asked how i am, i give the full details of that i was in a lot of pain and i still have painkillers and antibiotics etc., My ex didn't say a word the whole time, while the others were like "awwww that's awful, wish you the best". No words from my ex, nothing. Absolutely nothing. I guess im still painted black

I know it's hard to accept - It's like total rejection.

And if you've done nothing wrong, like most of us - even harder to understand.

Thank God, for this website that gives us the understanding otherwise we'd still be totally confused and lost in the F O G

I will never ever say that I didnt do anything wrong in a relationship. It does take two and I own my mistakes. However, I never realized a mistake, however big or small, would have such a extra large impact on a relationship with a BPD. Wow. The stuff flying at me as she was dumping me via text and again in person, left me literally shaking. Stuff that was so trivial and some of it was made up, or stuff that wouldnt even be a blip on a normal persons life all came flying out at me. And then to drag my kids into it was life changing to say the least.

Really sorry to hear about the kids being dragged into it.

Best wishes