Advice / Validation please...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ok,

I'm learning with the boundary's thing, really trying to be solid with mine.  Not step in and try to be the white knight and everything else.  She has escalated as I'm not validating her thing that I'm a bad father any everything else.  Intervention order, blocking progress with getting a resolution outside of court.  You name it she is doing it, I know it will go to court and I'm not afraid of that. 

I have been as unemotional as I can be with her, told her I will do XYZ as its in our sons best interest and followed through.  She isn't coping at all.  Falling apart as she has no control. 

Today at drop off exBPDgf was in tears, obviously just been crying and in tears.  My mind went name the behaviour, triangulation, she's playing victim, wants me to play the role of rescuer or persecutor and I have to just be middle ground, no emotion. 

I followed through, zero emotion.  Thing is, she has no real supports, her family is fked.  They enable and try to get her to deny everything.  I know if I call the Police it will look like I am being petty after she has put paperwork in and I will then be the persecutor and they will be the hero in the triangulation dynamic.  I know all of this I can also see that she isn't coping and in a really bad place.  I want to step in and tell her it will be al-right and everything else, want to try and help I also know this is just enabling. 

Really in a ___ position as it isn't healthy for our son to have this at handover and I know that I cant do anything.  Solicitor says, let her be.  Do nothing, she has survived so far she will survive this, small short term pain VS long term gain. 

Just lost on this, documenting it all however I also know bringing it up she will force exchanges at a neutral place like the police station or something.  That as well isn't best for our son.  Doesn't she see how pathetic and easy it is to see through all of this and how much it hurts our son.  Reality check pull your head out and grow up. 

I am in two minds and they are polar opposite, walk away and rescue.  Feeling very confused and looking for some advice from others atm. 


AJJ. 

[Aussie JJ]

Ok,

I'm learning with the boundary's thing, really trying to be solid with mine.  Not step in and try to be the white knight and everything else.  She has escalated as I'm not validating her thing that I'm a bad father any everything else.  Intervention order, blocking progress with getting a resolution outside of court.  You name it she is doing it, I know it will go to court and I'm not afraid of that. 

I have been as unemotional as I can be with her, told her I will do XYZ as its in our sons best interest and followed through.  She isn't coping at all.  Falling apart as she has no control. 

Today at drop off exBPDgf was in tears, obviously just been crying and in tears.  My mind went name the behaviour, triangulation, she's playing victim, wants me to play the role of rescuer or persecutor and I have to just be middle ground, no emotion. 

I followed through, zero emotion.  Thing is, she has no real supports, her family is fked.  They enable and try to get her to deny everything.  I know if I call the Police it will look like I am being petty after she has put paperwork in and I will then be the persecutor and they will be the hero in the triangulation dynamic.  I know all of this I can also see that she isn't coping and in a really bad place.  I want to step in and tell her it will be al-right and everything else, want to try and help I also know this is just enabling. 

Really in a ___ position as it isn't healthy for our son to have this at handover and I know that I cant do anything.  Solicitor says, let her be.  Do nothing, she has survived so far she will survive this, small short term pain VS long term gain. 

Just lost on this, documenting it all however I also know bringing it up she will force exchanges at a neutral place like the police station or something.  That as well isn't best for our son.  Doesn't she see how pathetic and easy it is to see through all of this and how much it hurts our son.  Reality check pull your head out and grow up. 

I am in two minds and they are polar opposite, walk away and rescue.  Feeling very confused and looking for some advice from others atm. 


AJJ. 

[Swiggle]

Ok,

I'm learning with the boundary's thing, really trying to be solid with mine.  Not step in and try to be the white knight and everything else.  She has escalated as I'm not validating her thing that I'm a bad father any everything else.  Intervention order, blocking progress with getting a resolution outside of court.  You name it she is doing it, I know it will go to court and I'm not afraid of that. 

I have been as unemotional as I can be with her, told her I will do XYZ as its in our sons best interest and followed through.  She isn't coping at all.  Falling apart as she has no control. 

Today at drop off exBPDgf was in tears, obviously just been crying and in tears.  My mind went name the behaviour, triangulation, she's playing victim, wants me to play the role of rescuer or persecutor and I have to just be middle ground, no emotion. 

I followed through, zero emotion.  Thing is, she has no real supports, her family is fked.  They enable and try to get her to deny everything.  I know if I call the Police it will look like I am being petty after she has put paperwork in and I will then be the persecutor and they will be the hero in the triangulation dynamic.  I know all of this I can also see that she isn't coping and in a really bad place.  I want to step in and tell her it will be al-right and everything else, want to try and help I also know this is just enabling. 

Really in a position as it isn't healthy for our son to have this at handover and I know that I cant do anything.  Solicitor says, let her be.  Do nothing, she has survived so far she will survive this, small short term pain VS long term gain. 

Just lost on this, documenting it all however I also know bringing it up she will force exchanges at a neutral place like the police station or something.  That as well isn't best for our son.  Doesn't she see how pathetic and easy it is to see through all of this and how much it hurts our son.  Reality check pull your head out and grow up. 

She doesn't see how damaging it is for your son, becasue she can't. They don't think like this and even pointing it out will do no good.

I am in two minds and they are polar opposite, walk away and rescue.  Feeling very confused and looking for some advice from others atm. 

you can't rescue her, be polite, but don't engage her. Ask yourself this, would you want your son growing up to be a rescuer to someone like this, if the answre is no then model that appropriate behavior for him. Let him see how you deal with his mom's behavior and maybe that will help him deal with it as he gets older.  Over time he will get it! We know that it isn't good for the kids to see this behavior but we can't change the behavior.   


AJJ. 

[Turkish]

It's good that you have a logical grasp on this situation, AJJ, especially with understanding the triangulation drama.

Perhaps you feel the need to rescue her (but are doing well not doing it), but could you perhaps feel the need to rescue your son? This is a tough situation, as she's enmeshing your child in her disordered behaviors. It could be all that you can do is to what you are doing (documenting, practicing mindfulness), and the more time you have AJJ to son time, the better for both you and him.

[Aussie JJ]

It goes against everything I know to see this and do nothing... .

It isn't nothing as I am making a choice not to rescue/involve myself in the triangle but holly crap it is horrid.  She has no idea, no insight into her actions.  This will just be another example from her view of me being evil at hangovers etc.  Seriously damned if you do damned if you dont. 


AJJ.