Are there other Grandparents out there? Trying to be best GP to child of BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I recently posted on the New Member board and had a warm greeting from a young man who has, I believe, PT custody of his two young children from his BPD ex wife (I know there's a better way to phrase that but I'm not familiar with all the shortcuts here yet).

At any rate, I have a young GC with whom I'm quite close; my son had actually lived here during the time he and his now ex-wife had gone through their separation and divorce, which was finalized over the summer.  During most of their nearly four year marriage my husband and I even had a good relationship with our DIL - until the splitting began and we fairly quickly recognized the signs/symptoms of a behavioral health/personality disorder. Fortunately my son sought counseling and when it became apparent that intervention of that nature was not going to work he sought to dissolve the marriage.  I now am involved with my GC on a frequent basis and want to help ensure a loving environment. I am still uncertain as to the type of atmosphere my DIL creates at home - at least it's not the fighting that had been intense previously - I can already see the calmer effects it has had on my GC not being subjected to that, at least I can only speculate that is the reason. I certainly never talk negatively about my ex-DIL but I really don't talk much about her either. I still feel a sense of walking on eggshells to some degree even though her presence is no longer in our lives so much in a tangible sense - but it is through having -- thank goodness - contact with our GC.  I feel as if I'm straddling some invisible line here and would be curious to hear if there are other GP out there who are in, or have been in, a similar position.  Or - if there are any parents who have any insights to share along this line.

[behindme]

I recently posted on the New Member board and had a warm greeting from a young man who has, I believe, PT custody of his two young children from his BPD ex wife (I know there's a better way to phrase that but I'm not familiar with all the shortcuts here yet).

At any rate, I have a young GC with whom I'm quite close; my son had actually lived here during the time he and his now ex-wife had gone through their separation and divorce, which was finalized over the summer.  During most of their nearly four year marriage my husband and I even had a good relationship with our DIL - until the splitting began and we fairly quickly recognized the signs/symptoms of a behavioral health/personality disorder. Fortunately my son sought counseling and when it became apparent that intervention of that nature was not going to work he sought to dissolve the marriage.  I now am involved with my GC on a frequent basis and want to help ensure a loving environment. I am still uncertain as to the type of atmosphere my DIL creates at home - at least it's not the fighting that had been intense previously - I can already see the calmer effects it has had on my GC not being subjected to that, at least I can only speculate that is the reason. I certainly never talk negatively about my ex-DIL but I really don't talk much about her either. I still feel a sense of walking on eggshells to some degree even though her presence is no longer in our lives so much in a tangible sense - but it is through having -- thank goodness - contact with our GC.  I feel as if I'm straddling some invisible line here and would be curious to hear if there are other GP out there who are in, or have been in, a similar position.  Or - if there are any parents who have any insights to share along this line.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello behindme,  

First and foremost: welcome among us!

Yes! There are many out here   even though you will probably find more of them/us on the Parenting board as they are also the parent to the person w/BPD.

You will be the best support for your grandson by simply being yourself and providing a stable environment for him together with modeling healthy behaviors. Believe it or not, that in and of itself is HUGE. Also, simply being there as an ear for them and "validating" their feelings (=letting them know we understand and believe their experience) is important.

There are also a couple of really good books on this topic that are written for the child's perspective, that might help you navigate through the issues that will come up:

An Umbrella for Alex

Sometimes My Mommy Gets Angry

[pessim-optimist]

Oh, I also meant to give you the link to the book for parents on validation :

The Power of Validation (for parents) (Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions

by Karyn D. Hall, Ph.D. and Melissa Cook)

[behindme]

What great book suggestions - thank you!  The Sometimes Mommy Gets Angry seems very age (and situation) appropriate - my DIL definitely had some anger issues and I continue to be concerned this is an area my 3 y/o gs is subject to.  He has said on occasion "I don't like Mama" - to which the other moderator also suggested I use the validation approach so the other book you added also sounds like a good choice. Again, it's an area on which I've been treading lightly. I don't want my son to think I'm attacking the ex-DIL in any way yet I want my gs to feel free, comfortable and supported in expressing his feelings. I have about situations in the past, just not his mother…it still feels like a dangerous topic to me, so I suppose I've come to this forum to get that support for myself - in that regard, I appreciate your suggestions and support even more.

[jdtm]

I have about situations in the past, just not his mother…it still feels like a dangerous topic to me,

We're in the same situation, although we are five years out of the marriage of our son and ex-uBPD DIL.  My husband and I listen and may even nod in agreement, but we never, ever say anything negative about either their mother or their father.  And, we never, ever ask questions.  We just listen - and most times, that is all the child wants.  In spite of her behaviour, it became apparent to us that the grandchildren loved both parents very much.  I assumed that when the marriage broke up (and our ex-DIL not only left the marriage but abandoned her children), things would improve dramatically and quickly.  This was not the case - it is over five years now and things are just starting to become "normal" (if such exists).  I guess what I am saying is that my husband and I wanted our grandchildren to feel our home was a safe refuge from negativity and unpredictability and badgering - constancy and peace and safe was our objective.  All the best to you - it is not an easy path ... .

[pessim-optimist]

They love their parents no matter what. They are the only parents they have. So, we need to support that love by not talking their parents down or criticizing them.

At the same time, we need to also support their emotional health in validating their experience (agreeing and understanding with how they feel; we don't need to get into the details of who did what, who is right/wrong etc.)

And also, very important: children tend to blame themselves and see themselves as the problem/trigger for their parents hostile reactions (and they often get blamed by the person w/BPD) - so on that front, we need to teach them that their parent's emotional outbursts have nothing to do with the child, that it's not their fault.

[behindme]

Oh, I also meant to give you the link to the book for parents on validation :

The Power of Validation (for parents) (Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions

by Karyn D. Hall, Ph.D. and Melissa Cook)

Sounds like this one is definitely in order. I agree I need to maintain healthy boundaries here out of respect for all parities while creating a safe, nurturing and supportive environment for my gs. But knowing when to say something and when to remain neutral, how to broach a subject and when to remain silent - I could use some guidance in that department, especially as my gs grows and interactions with his mother will most likely become more, I don't want to say problematic but perhaps intensified. Her mother, his other GM, also suffers from diagnosed bipolar disorder but I'm uncertain how much exposure he has to her.

Not sure if I got the art of quoting correct, but I'm gradually learning the terms to apply to ones who suffer from the disorder and those to applying the recommended techniques.  Is there a guide to these somewhere?

[pessim-optimist]

All the terms can be a bit of a jungle in the beginning, can't they? And there is lots and lots to read and absorb, but you can definitely take it all in as time goes on. Take it entirely at your own pace.

This is a link to all of the abbreviations (if you want to look at it another time, you can also access it through the green tab towards the top named "glossary" right next to directory and guidelines):

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

And as far as all the techniques, they are part of the lessons, usually in the right-hand side panel next to the posts --->

on each of the boards.

You will also find lots of good resources in the Learning Center, which has Workshops, Article Reviews, and Book Reviews.