Strugging emotionally.

[Raybo48]

I’ve been involved with a BPD female for three years.  We met on the internet and started a long distance (90 mile) relationship about two months later.  What I didn’t know at the time was she was a alcoholic of the worst kind (could drink a 750ml bottle of vodka in just an hour or two and do that for days at a time) and she had BPD.   When she would get drunk it would be like a completely different person and she would get extremely ugly and sometimes physical.   I ended up keeping my distance as much as possible while at the same time becoming pretty fond of her when she was sober, which wasn’t very often. 

She has all the BPD traits except for self-harm.  I know she’s also not been truthful with me with emotional and physical relationships she’s had while I was with her and being long distance didn’t help with keeping up.

Last year at this time she joined her family in Arizona after they spend several weeks with her in Wisconsin trying to keep her sober so she didn’t kill herself.  She was only there for about a month and then she left them abruptly to come and live with me.  I didn’t ask her to leave her family, but she suddenly bolted one day and she was at my door.  She lived with me for about a month and during that time was drunk and drove drunk about 70% of the time until I couldn’t handle it anymore and I kicked her out.  She ended up staying at a cabin she owned during the month of October until her she finally flew back to AZ.  During the time she was at the cabin she nearly died from literally gallons of Vodka and was hospitalized more than once.  She also called me and begged me to come up to see her, but I only did once. 

She has been in AZ for a year now and has struggled with sobriety and from what I know has only drank one time.  We have kept in touch during this past year, but I have been trying very hard to break away from her, which has proved to be difficult because I do care about her and love her. 

She called me two weeks ago after falling off the wagon and begged me to come and get her because she said she thinks about me every day and is in love with me.  We spoke for an hour and I declined to go get her.  She didn’t take that very well and then sent me a picture of some guy she was going to date on the internet, very strange.   I contacted her yesterday to see how she was doing and she said that since all my words mean nothing and I don’t show action she wants nothing to do with me and she’s going to file a restraining order if I contact her again.

Going NC is difficult, but I will do it because I don’t need legal problems.  I’m on this site because I need support, I need help in finally breaking away emotionally, and I need to understand the BPD mindset/addiction as much as possible so I can have some closure.

I’ve left a million details out that occurred the past three years otherwise I would have written a novel, but hopefully you all can get the gist of my story.

Thank you for reading. 

[Tiepje3]

Hi Raybo,

I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. What would you advise a friend who was in the same situation? Wouldn't it be something like: "let her go, you've tried hard enough and you've given enough." Or something like: "At some point she has to take responsibility for her actions."

You probably won't get 'closure'. I'm also still waiting for it and finally found a T to help me out, because I can't do this on my own. But writing on this board helps. Reading other people's stories helps. Giving advice to others helps as well, because it makes you take a step back and look at someone else's life (which is so like your own) from a distance. Then you can see it without your own emotions attached.

I understand the longing and the love you still feel, but only NC will help you get through this. Stay strong!

[Raybo48]

Thanks Tiepje3.  You're right I have to stay NC.  Thing is I do have the longing and I miss her, but have done a pretty good job of not initiating the contact.  It's when she reaches out to me and is tender about how she feels about me is what hooks me every time. 

She left me a voicemail two weeks ago super early in the morning before I talked to her for that hour I explained. I sat there for an hour before I listened to it and when I heard she thought about me every day and loved me I gave in and called her.  Obviously that was a mistake because not even two weeks later she's threatening a restraining order when I didn't even reach out until yesterday.    I'm somewhat familiar with splitting, but am having trouble wrapping my brain around how they can accomplish that in the blink of an eye. 

[Tiepje3]

It is of no use trying to understand it, is my experience. The only thing you can do, is deal with it. And dealing with it, is not giving in. I really do know how hard that is and I understand that you make mistakes, after all, you're only human. But stick to the NC. It hurts, it's hell and no one but us nons understand how difficult it is. It helps me knowing that other people have the hardest time as well with staying NC. I'm not the only one making this tremendous effort in order to save myself.

We'll make it somehow! I'll end with a quote I found:

"When people hurt you over and over, think of them as sandpaper. They scratch and hurt you, but in the end you're polished and they are useless."

[Raybo48]

That's an awesome quote Tiepj3, thanks.   

Yes, for my own sanity I have to stay NC.  I know she will at some point contact me again having forgotten the threat she made yesterday of a restraining order.  Her last excuse after I asked her why she contacted me again was "I had to tell you that stuff a few months ago because I needed to try and get over you, but I can't"   

It's all the same song and dance with her and I'd venture to guess if I didn't speak with her for 10 years her life would actually be pretty much the same.  These people have no emotional growth and they don't actually move forward in life in any sort of productive way.  She also has a horrible alcoholism problem that she struggles with and it's just a matter of time in my opinion before she starts drinking full time again, which will likely cost her another job or another DUI. 

I know all of this stuff so I have to try like hell to not pick up that phone down the road when she calls, or texts.  She knows how to push my buttons and I just can't let her reach them next time.  No good will come of it

[balou_k]

I know the struggle, it hurts, we can't understand how they work in their head.


We are not alone, that fact helps me a bit.

[fred6]

I know the struggle, it hurts, we can't understand how they work in their head.


We are not alone, that fact helps me a bit.

Yes, it does help tremendously. And the boards are full if that gives any insight into the struggles we face.

[Startattoo2]

It still amazes me how similar these stories are.

Same with the alcohol, same with the contacting me over daft stuff, same having no life direction, reaching good ages without achieving or gaining much.

Stay nc, it is so hard, and I've failed once. Every contact she makes confirms I'm better off alone than with the wrong person. She treated me well, and dumped me before it got nasty, but the way she dumped me and her behaviour since is making me see the light.

Stay strong! You can do it.

[Raybo48]

I'd really like her out of my head. After each contact it takes seemingly weeks to become balanced again.  She keeps her Face Book on 'global' on purpose because she wants people to know what is going on so it makes it difficult not to look.   Also, if any of you have read about the 'false self' they maintain on social media you can believe it. She garners all kinds of attention on there (from guys) in the form of narcissistic supply and acts like a completely balanced person where no one would ever know she has any emotional issues at all. She does all that and has on many occasions spoken to me through various posts she takes in the form of sayings to torment me.  I've called her out on the stuff and half the time she denies it and the other half admits it.  Talk about diabolical behavior.  

I realize going no contact means not looking at her face book page too.  If I don't it just allows me to live in her world instead of my own.  It just amazes me that she continues to contact me now that she's living in AZ and I'm in the Chicago area.  One would think she would have latched onto a guy there or someone she could be all BPD with, but no. She continually gravitates back to me in one way or another after a few weeks or months.  

[Blimblam]

I'm sorry raybo!

This situation must be very painfull.  This is situation you can not fix.  All she could really do is trade one addiction for another and in the end the BPD is still there.  Even if she found a healthier addiction the end result would most likely be the same she would still find a way to ruin the relationship.  This is what a pwBPD does!  In the end you have to take care of yourself. Your love money compassion is just another drug for them to consume untill you are empty.  It is

A vicious cycle and only you can decide when it ends. Even after she is gone you are left with the trauma and wounds that need tending to.

I feel for you it is so hard to watch a person you love self destruct. 

[Raybo48]

Yea, I watched her self-destruct for nearly two years with ungodly amounts of alcohol day after day.  I couldn't be there for some of it because it was just too hard to deal with and she was just too dangerous during her binges.  Her family didn't like the fact that I didn't stick by her side the entire time, but she was highly unpredictable and could have accused me of anything during her drunken-ness, which would have included rape, physical abuse, stealing from her, or god  knows what.  My gut always told me to stay away as often as possible when her BPD was in full force with the alcohol running through her system.  She lost two jobs, got a DUI, was arrested by the police twice because she was a danger to herself, etc so my fears were not unfounded. 

Most of this summer went by with her ignoring me, and me healing while she was living in AZ.  Then suddenly two weeks ago she called me and begged me (literally) to come and get her. Coming and getting her meant she would come and live with me and we would resume our relationship.  She was sobering up from a 3 day binge and admitted it to me when she called and then she also said "oh by the way I've been on three dates with three different guys the past two weeks because I'm on a dating site"  I wasn't interested in dropping everything on a Sunday morning to go get her and when I found out she was seeing other people it was pretty confusing having her call me wanting to be saved and get back into a relationship with me at the same time. 

I'm not surprised of her threat from yesterday because she was rejected, abandoned, and got the feeling of not being wanted by me two weeks ago.  It was a very hard thing for me to do, but I wasn't about to hop on a plane and swoop her up half sober and move her in.  In her BPD mind she doesn't understand any of that and now I'm painted very black and it is what it is.

She's such a troubled soul, but you are correct I need to work on me because that's really the only thing I can control now.

[Blimblam]

Raybo

Sometimes the healing process makes no logical sense.  It may even fly in the face of the advice people give you.  When I was hurting friends and family would tell me, "what you need to do is ... ."  These interactions typically just made me feel worst.  What realize is when someone sees you in pain it triggers how they deal with their emotional pain and project that onto you.  If they just don't deal with their pain then they will be invalidating, often times with a false guise of sympathy.  Really it's just contempt, their own self contempt.

Do what you need to do to heal create that space for yourself.  If you want advice if it's healthy or not consult a professional and even then take their word with a grain of salt. Healing will take as long as it takes and while it may have a lot in common with other ultimately it will be your own journey and it will makes sense the way it does for you.

I can relate for being set for a recycle to realize my ex had been seeing other guys right around this time.  It was like if I hesitated she would just sleep with someone else because I wasn't getting back with her on her time schedule. Once i realized she was doing this to fill her own attention needs and a form of control over me I decided this was enough.  She knew how much her sleeping with other guys hurt me and this was her way of being able to hurt and control me.  I almost recycled with her 3 or 4 times and enstead of working to earn my trust back she would just see if I still loved her even if she pulled that crap as some sort of sick twisted test of my love.  I was left with only one choice to leave.  Because if I got back with her she knew she could just hint at cheating to control me. If I didn't comply and she was mad she would just cheat.  It is really tragic!  In a twisted way this is how I know she loved me so much that she would go to such extremes to want to control me in love and test me so hard. 

I have to save myself. We all do.

[Raybo48]

Again, I totally agree with you Blim. I think my ex in her twisted way was trying to control me too because I like you go ape sh** at the prospect of her sleeping/dating/being with another guy.  This isn't the first time she did this and when she did it before (while living in Wisconsin) she was struggling mightily with alcoholism and I had to beat some of the guys off who were lurking around with a stick.  She was the one that lured them to her house, but they didn't know what they were dealing with and thought it would be fun to goof around with a very attractive drunk girl. When I think about it I can't believe I held my cool enough not to get arrested for assault with some of those guys, but I stayed out of trouble and managed to keep them away. Talk about maddening, stressful, and DRAMA laden times.

Now she's just playing this game from afar in AZ with me because she knows I hate it when there is the prospect of another guy. When I rejected her a couple of weeks ago she ended up cutting and pasting a guys picture from plenty of fish and texting it to me! Apparently he was interested in her and they were going to go out on a date and all I had to do was "come and get her" and she wouldn't do it.  Talk about mind games! 

Enough is enough though and at this point let the poor guys on the dating site have her.  They are in for a world of hurt in a very short period of time, that's for sure. 

We all need to realize on here we have much more self-worth  than to put up with this sort of thing. 

[Infared]

Raybo... .she is completely toxic. Drinking a bottle of Draino would be better for you than contacting her. I think if I was you I would go see a therapist and delve into why you keep inviting this terrorist into your life. It's tough love I am giving, but if you sit where I am and read your posts, it's the only thing that I can think of to say to you.

[Raybo48]

I'm all for tough love, and that's part of the reason why I'm on here.  I may in fact be co-delendent.  Many people are that do the dance with a borderline. I seriously don't mind the proverbial kick in the A** from anyone on here with experience.  Thank you for being blunt, it actually helps.

[Infared]

I'm all for tough love, and that's part of the reason why I'm on here.  I may in fact be co-delendent.  Many people are that do the dance with a borderline. I seriously don't mind the proverbial kick in the A** from anyone on here with experience.  Thank you for being blunt, it actually helps.

Raybo... I am a codependent... .trust me when I tell you that if what you are writing is accurate that you are hugely codependent and also an enabler to this woman. I only know this through therapy, self help groups etc.and my own journey through my lopsidedness ... but you are just as sick as she is in a completely different way... .I am not trying to beat you up... .but I see the past me in you. You cannot help or fix her, she must do that herself... .co dependents dive right in to rescue the sickest, but we don't see how that is unhealthily fulfilling a sick need of our own. There is no balance there.

That woman is not suitable for a "healthy" relationship with anyone.

[Iforget]

Quote: 

She has all the BPD traits except for self-harm.

Wow, really? Someone who drinks like you describe and you don't think she has done self harm?

[Raybo48]

I hear you Infared.  I have a therapist now and have begun work on my own core childhood issues.  Having an alcoholic mother who was an emotional manipulator was probably the start of it all.   I cant say I disagree with much of what you are saying though.  I'd rather be sick and know it then be a BPD any day and do what she does to people with little regard.  At least I have compassion on my side.  You are right about her though, she shouldn't actually be in a relationship with anyone and as far as accuracy what I said about her is gospel and the only thing I didn't do was give about 100 more examples of her insanity.  Ya, when I think about it I simply cannot believe I put up and 'enabled' that behavior.   You beat me up a little, but that's cool.  I'm here to learn about myself as much as her.

[Raybo48]

Very true Iforget... I just meant she didn't take a razor blade to herself... The alcohol consumption cannot even be explained accurately it was so off the charts.  She'd drink a coffee cup of straight vodka in about 20 seconds and do that all day for days on end... .When the police came and got her a few times they said in their 30+ years on the job they never saw anyone so bad, ever.     

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Very true Iforget... I just meant she didn't take a razor blade to herself... The alcohol consumption cannot even be explained accurately it was so off the charts.  She'd drink a coffee cup of straight vodka in about 20 seconds and do that all day for days on end... .When the police came and got her a few times they said in their 30+ years on the job they never saw anyone so bad, ever.     

Yea I can relate my ex was pretty bad downing a 32 oz. bottle of Jager was like drinking a bottle of water to her. It was scary to watch... even scarier to experience because then shed become abusive in demanding sex. If I refused... oh buddy you best believe there was hell to pay. Physically, emotionally, and sexually. It felt like rape sometimes in the way that she demanded it and as to not anger her id just comply... wow I never really realized how messed up that is until I just wrote it.

[Raybo48]

Yea chasing it is very messed up.  She wouldn't demand sex from me, but I can tell you she would lure guys to her place with vodka with the promise of sex.  At least that's what I was told by some of her friends. Of course you never want to believe that and she denied it, but she's a pathological liar so I'm sure looking back it was the truth.  When she was drinking and full blown drunk she wasn't just a mean drunk, she was down right evil.  It's impossible to explain, but you could see the pain and turmoil she had that was coming out in all directions while intoxicated.  She claimed she never remembered any of it after getting sober.  I often wondered if she truly blacked out or she was just saying that as an excuse for the terrible behavior she displayed during her binges that sometimes lasted 10-14 days straight.   After it was all over she would have bruises all over her body due to the countless times she'd fall down all over her house while drinking.  She lived alone... There were some people who checked up on her including myself who lived 90 miles away, and she did have a sponsor from AA and even she was in shock half the time when she encountered her.  An AA sponsor isn't supposed to engage an active alcoholic, but she found it to be her duty as a human being to try and keep her alive long enough for her family to get her out to AZ.  That finally was accomplished last year in July only to have her bolt on them and show up at my doorstep in late August; I want to make it clear that I did not ask her to do that or even suggest it. I've explained the rest of my story in previous posts.   

[Chasing_Ghosts]

I know exactly what you mean mine was very aggressive when drunk. And shed tell me the same thing that she didn't remember a lick of it. I think its a lie. With that high of a tolerance they have to have some semblance of memory to the events that occurred and I don't believe for a second that you black out every single time. But yea with the luring guys back to her house and getting messed up and having sex I never had any proof but she sent me some lyrics that lead me to believe this. "Playing in my play pretend, where the fun aint got no end. Cant go home alone again need someone to numb the pain. Now that youre gone I gotta stay high all the time. To keep you off my mind." I don't know just screams I messed up with you so now im going to ___ all manner of guys to somehow drown out the pain of losing the person that loved me the most. I saw the shame in her eyes the last time I saw her too. Guilt laden underneath that as well. Mine also tried to go to AA and NA as shes an ex heroin addict although she does whatever she can get her hands on. Anyways her sponsor ended up just getting triangulated into our relationship. And from what I can tell she definitely slept with him as she was always at his house very late at night. Claimed there were others there and they were watching a movie. Yet this guy starts showing up at her work confessing his love after she cuts him out of her life and stops going to meetings all conveniently at the same time. He even left her a voicemail crying and his mother who shed gotten close to was in the background trying to calm him down as he emotionally broke down confessing his love again. I cant believe I didn't dump her then and there I knew she was lying in my gut yet I stayed anyways. I guess since she was my first love and intimate partner I wanted to believe and have so much hope in this fantasy I projected on her as much as the one she projected on me. The reality of it all paints a much different picture...  

[Raybo48]

Man Chasing, are you sure we weren't with the same girl? ha...   It sounds WAY too familiar.  Let me guess she had a horrible tendency of making "good friends" from AA or NA who were basically scum of the earth?   I had to beat some of those people off with a stick and she kept telling me "they are my friends"... It would seem that trait of making immediate close friends it histrionic in nature.   

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Man Chasing, are you sure we weren't with the same girl? ha...   It sounds WAY too familiar.  Let me guess she had a horrible tendency of making "good friends" from AA or NA who were basically scum of the earth?   I had to beat some of those people off with a stick and she kept telling me "they are my friends"... It would seem that trait of making immediate close friends it histrionic in nature.   

I couldn't agree more Ray the similarities are strikingly canny. haha Yea for sure its the SAME old story with them. Anyone she attracted within her orbit became "such a good friend" for like a week, id hear about them nonstop, then discard. And its as if they vanished not having ever existed never hear a word about them again. And yes all bad influences in some shape or form. One of them even doing porn online and her telling me about this as if she was so much better than her... psshh ok you sleep with guys for validation and attention she does it for fame and money... not seeing the sinner from the saint in this one. literally. Histrionic indeed. 

[Raybo48]

Man Chasing, are you sure we weren't with the same girl? ha...   It sounds WAY too familiar.  Let me guess she had a horrible tendency of making "good friends" from AA or NA who were basically scum of the earth?   I had to beat some of those people off with a stick and she kept telling me "they are my friends"... It would seem that trait of making immediate close friends it histrionic in nature.   

I couldn't agree more Ray the similarities are strikingly canny. haha Yea for sure its the SAME old story with them. Anyone she attracted within her orbit became "such a good friend" for like a week, id hear about them nonstop, then discard. And its as if they vanished not having ever existed never hear a word about them again. And yes all bad influences in some shape or form. One of them even doing porn online and her telling me about this as if she was so much better than her... psshh ok you sleep with guys for validation and attention she does it for fame and money... not seeing the sinner from the saint in this one. literally. Histrionic indeed. 

God, they were exactly alike.  I talked to her until I was blue in the face about the bad influences and she would never listen, ever.   I guarantee she's doing it out in AZ now too... .its just a different zip code. If fact when she called me half sober two weeks ago she told me her hair dresser (she met from AA) gave her vodka and tried to get her to do meth, and she's been paying for almost everything every time they get together.  Same crap happened in WI over and over and over again.  Maybe I'm more nuts than her for even going out with her and putting up with all that crap. 

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Man Chasing, are you sure we weren't with the same girl? ha...   It sounds WAY too familiar.  Let me guess she had a horrible tendency of making "good friends" from AA or NA who were basically scum of the earth?   I had to beat some of those people off with a stick and she kept telling me "they are my friends"... It would seem that trait of making immediate close friends it histrionic in nature.   

I couldn't agree more Ray the similarities are strikingly canny. haha Yea for sure its the SAME old story with them. Anyone she attracted within her orbit became "such a good friend" for like a week, id hear about them nonstop, then discard. And its as if they vanished not having ever existed never hear a word about them again. And yes all bad influences in some shape or form. One of them even doing porn online and her telling me about this as if she was so much better than her... psshh ok you sleep with guys for validation and attention she does it for fame and money... not seeing the sinner from the saint in this one. literally. Histrionic indeed. 

God, they were exactly alike.  I talked to her until I was blue in the face about the bad influences and she would never listen, ever.   I guarantee she's doing it out in AZ now too... .its just a different zip code. If fact when she called me half sober two weeks ago she told me her hair dresser (she met from AA) gave her vodka and tried to get her to do meth, and she's been paying for almost everything every time they get together.  Same crap happened in WI over and over and over again.  Maybe I'm more nuts than her for even going out with her and putting up with all that crap. 

Yea they seem to have that 5 year old mentality of no one tells me what to do! The last time I saw her she was talking to some girl at work about how her parents didn't know she smoked and how she used to do it at a young age. Then I kind of jokingly mocked her as if I was her getting yelled at by her mom. She immediately comes back at me with "my mom never yelled at me no one yells at me or tells me what to do!" Ok crazy I was jk you can calm down... Anyways wow meth... wonderful, sound like her "friend" is a real keeper. Maybe if she plays her cards right they can have a bright future cooking meth together! And if shes anything like my ex im not even joking... wouldn't put it past her. Although mine could barely cook real food... so yeah don't see her having the mental capabilities of basic chemistry even due to skipping all her schooling so I don't think itd bode well.

Nah were not nuts we just care too much about other to have given a ___ that we were being seriously abused. I think it had to do with me loving that d*mned book The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein when I was younger. Subliminally making it seem normal to give and give love but never receive. Couldn't be farther from the truth...