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Author Topic: Im still Jadeing Help, please. :(  (Read 832 times)
Louise7777
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« on: November 03, 2014, 10:07:06 AM »

Hi guys!

We are all aware how our uBPDs love to pick fights. Im managing them well by using medium chill and detaching. Im VLC/ NC anyway.

What I still have trouble with is an uPAPD xSO (now friend). Problem is, as a textbook passive-aggressive, he makes rules that dont apply to him (same as any BPD). A month ago he punished me by "forgetting" my birthday. Thats 2 years in a row. No surprise here. So I let him know that Im aware of his game and from now on, no more "happy birthday" from me either. This has been my approach, he behaves disrespectfully, I disengage. He´s not pleased by it, of course. The friendship is taking a turn for the worse, the more boundaries I create, the more "misbehaved" he is. Of couse, as a good uPD, he will never realize all of this is brought up by his punitive behaviour.

Here comes the "fun" part: he got a flu, told me about it, I wished him recovery. Two days after that, he phones me to complain that I didnt phone or email to see how he is doing. I havent phoned him for years now and havent emailed for around a month (long story short, he had been disrespectful, created rules for me so I set this boundary for myself, he wont have another chance to hurt me).

This is where I was wrong, I took the bait about his flu. I said something like "you ignored me, I ignore you. Thats how life is, we collect according to the seeds we plant. Why you expect me to behave in better ways than you?". He pouted and sulked right away. I asked "why are you mad?" And the answer was "Im not mad". Well, what did I expect from a passive-aggressive? They are never angry!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I know that I sounded angry and I was. I was having a quiet time at home, relaxing after dealing with some problems Im facing and he has to disturb my peace. I dont complain to him about all the things he didnt do to me! But still, I engaged, explained myself, justified... .did the whole jadeing... .I said I had been busy, had forgotten about it, then said I wouldnt had contacted him even if I had remembered... .Very messed up!

So my question is: how do you respond to "I was sick and you didnt call me!"? Cause its the kind of question designed to get some explanation back. Im so confused, I have no clue how I should had dealt with this... .  Thank you for reading, any opinions/ thoughts are really appreciated.


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claudiaduffy
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« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2014, 05:26:07 PM »

Louise,

Sincere question: why are you friends with this guy? It doesn't actually sound like you're friends WITH him; he does not sound like a friend to you.
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Louise7777
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« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2014, 05:38:48 PM »

Hi Claudia!

I knew somebody would ask me that.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

He helped me in a time of need and despite all the negative behaviour I feel grateful for that episode. Yes, its obligation and guilt (not fear, though). So I established boundaries.

This post is not about him, its basically about me and my incapability to stop jadeing. I really dont know how to answer the "I was sick and you didnt call me". Should I had answered "ok"? Im sure it will lead to a "why you didnt phone me?".

My uBPD relatives dont use this kind of "trick", they usually demand me to do something and I simply say "no". When they give me orders I respond much better, but I dont know what to do about complaints.
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claudiaduffy
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« Reply #3 on: November 04, 2014, 08:51:17 AM »

This post is not about him, its basically about me and my incapability to stop jadeing. I really dont know how to answer the "I was sick and you didnt call me". Should I had answered "ok"? Im sure it will lead to a "why you didnt phone me?".

Not knowing his conversation patterns, I'm not sure what will work for you. My mom does this kind of complaining a lot, though, and I hate it... .ugh... .  I try to ignore it as much as possible, even if it leads to awkward conversation shifts, or say something mild like "I'm glad you were able to get enough rest to begin recovering. Being sick is awful! So glad you're getting over it." At some points, though, I end up having to come back at her.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) ... .she left a voice mail for me a couple of months ago, saying, "Claudia, I heard on the radio this morning that the average woman calls her mother 3 to 5 times a week. I think it's been a couple of weeks since you called me." I did a little statistics-checking online and called her back, and left a message saying "The average woman also has close to 30 pairs of shoes and has had 5 different sexual partners by the time she's my age [my mother is a very conservative woman]. Overall, I think you could be glad that I'm just a little below average, huh?"

... .she stayed away from the topic after that.
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Louise7777
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« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2014, 09:16:00 AM »

LOL Claudia! Were you witty with that answer!  Smiling (click to insert in post) Im sorry though that you go through that.

Such demands are astonishing to me. I shouldnt be surprised, my uBPD relatives do the same, but it still makes me wonder how much self-centered they can be (and emotionally demanding).

"Not knowing his conversation patterns, I'm not sure what will work for you."

His conversation pattern is usually not validating me. If I tell him some daily event that was stressful, for example, he just says "ok". Never any advice, any comment on how he sees it, how he would had handled it. I think its part of his defenses, of not allowing people to know him. But he doesnt realize that being quiet says A LOT about him. Not long ago I told him how invalidating he was. It was not a fight, I was just showing him how it made me feel. I guess an exercise in futility. Weeks later he complained I answer him with "ok". Not sure he´s projecting or Im just detaching from him and his problems. I was always the good listener that came up with sugestions and opinions, but he never gave me that.

When he complained about me not caring, maybe I should had answered "and how does that make you feel?". But that could open the door for more complaints, I dont know... .And I really feel tired of their childish needyness. And Im not his therapist. Maybe, like you said, I should had just changed the subject right away. He´s very good at changing topics whenever he feels like it, its something I still have to work on.

Funny thing, he sent me an email, no words, just a link of something Im looking for and asked for his help months ago. I didnt even remember about it. He procrastinated so much that I forgot about it. No need to say I didnt respond. Then another email, just a link to a movie. No words either (God forbids he says personal words!). No answer from me. The movie was about husband and wife, he is annoyed by her behaviour, then she gets sick and dies and he misses her and her annoying habits. Was that a guilty trip or what?  Smiling (click to insert in post)


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Louise7777
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« Reply #5 on: November 04, 2014, 10:04:36 AM »

I just found this link on how to deal with victim mentality... .On dealing with relatives and friends, it says we should ask them for a solution. Not sure this will work, since their solution is for US to behave the way THEY want... .But I can give it a try.

www.drjudithorloff.com/_blog/Dr_Judith_Orloff's_Blog/post/How_to_Deal_with_a_Victim_Mentality
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Jema

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« Reply #6 on: November 05, 2014, 12:10:09 PM »

Hi Louise,

Sounds like you have a bit of a tough situation.The best thing I hear from you though, is that you are very aware of much of the dynamics between you two. I feel this type of awareness is most important.

While I really like the strategy of avoiding JADE, I find it very difficult to practice. Thanks to my uBPDm, I have been conditioned to do nothing but JADE for the first 50-some years of my life--so, now suddenly changing that ingrained behavior requires serious effort.

To break this pattern and avoid JADE in a smooth, non-threatening manner requires a great deal of practice, something which is quite unpleasant, to begin with. (Who wants practice dealing with all of this?)

Then, as one tries to integrate this manner of being with their interactions, mistakes will made. Sometimes the mistakes can have quite serious consequences for the relationship. In fact, the more pressure one is under, the more likely they are to lose their cool and resort to JADE.

So, kudos to you for trying this very difficult endeavor! The best one can do is to acknowledge their mistakes, realize that these type errors are inevitable, and try to learn for the next encounter.

Also, thanks for the article link. It's always nice to get validation in this regard.

Cheers,

Jema

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Louise7777
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« Reply #7 on: November 05, 2014, 03:32:12 PM »

Hi Jema! Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel for you too, having an uBPD mom is not easy at all, I have 3 uBPD relatives and nowadays I keep interactions to a very, VERY minimum.

Yep, takes some effort to realize whats going on and then change our patterns. But funny thing, when confronted in a harsh way, a demanding way, I say "no" and thats it. Im dealing with it pretty well. But when I have to deal with a passive-aggressive attitude, the covert way still doesnt get a firm reaction from me. I get taken aback by his silence waiting for an answer... .I guess I have to come back with a "medium chill type" response, something like "I see what you mean" and then throw the ball back at his court.

You are right, who wants practice on dealing with them the proper way?  Smiling (click to insert in post) Thats why I detached from most of them, even friends, it was costing my mental health a lot. Even my physical health!

My uBPDs are so openly bossy and rageful, its amazing I dont get "contaminated" by their moods anymore. But when it comes to the subtle behaviour from a PA, I dont know what to do. I still get angry and frustrated, which PAs really love. So I feed him and then I feel terrible cause I felt right into the trap.

Im getting to the conclusion that to deal properly with uPDs, you have to be an excelent forensics psychiatrist! Thats not for amateurs like me!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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