Relationship

[Deeno02]

Guess Im starting to see the relationship for what it was... .Nothing.

Perhaps she was embarassed of me because of the tattoos

Perhaps thats why she kept me pretty much hidden from her ritzy friends

Perhaps thats why there are only 2 or 3 pics of us together

Perhaps thats why she never changed her relationship status on FB

Perhaps thats why she never wanted to do anything I wanted to do... .rock concerts, pistol shooting, summer festivals... .

Perhaps she didnt like my social circle, which she took care of by never really wanting to do anything with them

Perhaps thats why when we started circling the drain, money got dragged into it... .you didnt take me on vacation, you never bought me anything. Which, when we got together, I was brutally honest about.

Perhaps thats why when I planned stuff, it was shot down.

Perhaps thats why I was yelled at for not planning stuff

Perhaps thats why I was yelled at for trying to help serve her kids dinner, tried to take out the trash, tried to put a trashbag in.

Perhaps thats why she never allowed her kids to call me by my first name after the first year together

Perhaps thats why she bought me expensive shirts to wear

Perhaps thats why I was not allowed to help out with her kids schedules anymore.

Perhaps thats why I was never invited to meet or go to any of her recreational Volley Ball games.

Perhaps thats why you also devalued my kids when you devalued me

Perhaps it was the constant (about every 3 months) come to jesus meeting pointing out how poor of a boyfriend I was and that I had better treat her right or lose me that left me ful of guilt, shame and scrambling to figure out what the hell I did wrong, followed by tap dancing through a minefield

Perhaps it was the end of the evening kiss(couldnt do much else as there were 5 kids all over the place)when you turned your cheek towards me and so erotically stated "mmm mmm, I have to like you again first"

Perhaps it may have been the "Your not over your ex wife!" as she goes on FB, Instagram, Vine and Snapchat spying on her ex husband and b___ing about who he's with and what he's having for dinner. Yup... .

I could go on, but that would be a dog simply chasing his tail. I was somebody to her at the begining. I was the guy willing to give love to a separated(almost divorced) stay at home mom of five(one of them autistic, one severe ADHD) with Fibromyalgia, ADD and anxiety. I was the guy encouraging her to get her certifications to coach and now she gives private lessons, coaches private clubs and now contracted with our High School to coach. A career now. People pay attension to her now. I gave her the confidence shot she needed. Now Im no one of any particular importance. As she so elequently put it, via text of course, you have alot of great qualities to offer. That was followed with a I finally know what I want now.

I guess the real truth finally came in the gym when I made one final attempt to win her back. I was hit with the following:

"you never bought me anything" as I looked over to the bench where her coach purse, which I bought, sat.

"I should have dumped your ass in May(this was September)when you didnt take me on vacation". I reminded her that we discussed the fact I couldnt do it then because of a property tax issue I had to pay and we were to reschedule. Her response? "but you alluded to it!".

"Save it for your next girlfriend", when I told her I was in counseling and wanted her to join me to work it out.

"You blamed your sex problem on me !" Took me completely by surprise, as we had none that I knew of except for one time we were interupted by her son calling on the phone stating he was going to call the cops on his dad, run away, kill himself, etc, conversation that lasted over 4 hours... .kind of a buzz kill. Oh, I ended up taking care of the problem for her.

So basically, I was a replacement and a noboby.

[going places]

So basically, I was a replacement and a nobody.

I used to to the same thing.

Make these HUGE lists of what I gave, and what he gave (his list was very very small)

Make these HUGE lists of sacrifices I made, and what he sacrificed (his list was, empty)

you know what?

It wasn't ME.

THE PROBLEM wasn't what I did, or didn't do.

It didn't matter WHAT I did, or didn't do, it was NEVER enough, and it never will be.

And that's not my problem.

That's not a 'me' problem, that's a 'him' problem, and HE IS NOT my problem, anymore.

I am free.

After 25 years of "his problem" I AM FREE

Deeno, go live life.

What is YOUR passion? What are YOUR dreams?

Do what fills YOU up, what brings YOU joy.

Once I stopped looking in the rear view mirror (the past) and I started looking thru the windshield (10 x bigger and the future) my life began to get better and better and better!

[fromheeltoheal]

So basically, I was a replacement and a nobody.

To someone who must have an attachment but cannot have more than unstable, chaotic relationships that end, we're all replacements and we'll all be replaced, in the flow-through world of borderline relationships.  And you were absolutely everything to her for a time, her savior, her Knight in Shining Armor, until you were nothing, worse than nothing, scum, all of which has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with the standard progression on the disorder.  She wants what you want too, very much, but the way she's wired prevents it from happening, ever.  Sad that, but that's her.

Can you come up with some quality questions?  Like why did this person come into my life, what lessons were there to learn?  What did I do right in the relationship?  How can I use this experience, how does it serve me?  What areas do I need to grow in moving forward?

Answer a couple for us, just because.

[Deeno02]

So basically, I was a replacement and a nobody.

To someone who must have an attachment but cannot have more than unstable, chaotic relationships that end, we're all replacements and we'll all be replaced, in the flow-through world of borderline relationships.  And you were absolutely everything to her for a time, her savior, her Knight in Shining Armor, until you were nothing, worse than nothing, scum, all of which has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with the standard progression on the disorder.  She wants what you want too, very much, but the way she's wired prevents it from happening, ever.  Sad that, but that's her.

Can you come up with some quality questions?  Like why did this person come into my life, what lessons were there to learn?  What did I do right in the relationship?  How can I use this experience, how does it serve me?  What areas do I need to grow in moving forward?

Answer a couple for us, just because.

Heeltoheal,

This person came into my life as a fluke. Our sons were /are friends and I didnt persue her. It was charming in its own right and I felt on top of the world, of course the rest is history.

Lessons learned: Its not the end of the world. Its a crater sized hole, but not the end of the world.

Set boundaries: I failed to do so as I was caught up in the swirl

Dont move so fast. Again, caught up in the resue

Listen to my head, not my heart. To many flags I ignored

Its ok to be alone.

What did I do right? Everything that I was equipped to to with what I was armed with. I loved her and those kids fully, completely. Just not to her specifications

Learned tolerance. I was very tolerant of her outbursts and rages both towards me and her kids. I helped her son, autistic, thrive, tie his shoes, play football and for that I will forever be greatful.

[peiper]

Perhaps she is mentally ill.

[fromheeltoheal]

Lessons learned: Its not the end of the world. Its a crater sized hole, but not the end of the world.

Set boundaries: I failed to do so as I was caught up in the swirl

Dont move so fast. Again, caught up in the resue

Listen to my head, not my heart. To many flags I ignored

Its ok to be alone.

What did I do right? Everything that I was equipped to to with what I was armed with. I loved her and those kids fully, completely. Just not to her specifications

Learned tolerance. I was very tolerant of her outbursts and rages both towards me and her kids. I helped her son, autistic, thrive, tie his shoes, play football and for that I will forever be greatful.

  Very nice!

[Deeno02]

Perhaps she is mentally ill.

Indeed