Angry at myself...

[Earthbayne]

Driving myself crazy. In my previous thread, I was talking about how I'd never go back to my ex, and I wouldn't. Going on about 16 days of NC. The last 24 hours have been a bit rough though. Last night I went through anger, because after visiting with my sister and having some time to myself in a train, I realized how easily she rolled over me. I allowed her to push me down into the muck and keep me there.

The degrading sexual situations in which she made me feel like garbage.

All the arguments that went nowhere.

How comfortable she was and how I had to go to her place 99% of the time, even though I lived 5 minutes away from where she works.

The endless stream of text messages complaining about everything... .

But then I launched myself into online dating over the past few days and have tried endlessly to even get a response from some of the women. NOTHING.

Whatever was left of my self-esteem just imploded. Not a bad looking guy either, but what is killing me right now is ALL the free time I have now because she's no longer in my life. I used to have NO time... .now I have too much. I went to the gym, grabbed a six pack on the way back. After settling down, got on my Facebook and SOMEHOW ended up searching some of the people she knows and the gym she goes too.

Pictures of her are up there and it was a mixed bag of emotions. The first one was "missing her". More like "missing it". But then ALL of the other emotions flashed back.

What's worst is that I am STILL adjusting to communicating with other people. I STILL walk on eggshells with co-workers from time to time and it just makes it seems like my self-esteem is faltering.

Now I'm sitting here, posting, trying to remind myself of WHY I ran away from her in the first place. But there I was, looking at the pictures of her friends, trying to find a semblance... .I don't know if it's that I just want absolute, definitive proof that she is with someone else or what... .but I'm mad that after over two weeks, I did this.

Definitely, online dating can wait... .probably any dating for that matter.

[DangIthurts]

Six pack probably ruined the gym  

I lift a ton I've dropped a ton of weight since this am doing 5-15 miles a day depending on how I feel running with the nike+ app.

Find anything to take your mind of it man. I'm at least not looking at social media trying to interpret whatever I can see (I can't see much anymore as we've mutually taken each other off almost everything), but what I can see this is the longest I've gone without seeing her other than posting on mutual friends pages which it seems odd one of the two were things I was tagged in...


Mine wasn't the smartest, prettiest,girl I'd ever been with... .or even like a first or second relationship where you're understandably upset. I've had falling outs with very successful and attractive girls and none have been like this. So I don't know what to say other than try to at least use your own negative emotions and thoughts to do something productive so that hopefully when it clicks and you're over it, you're in a better place than 6 packs, and pizza or something you know

I check in on this site when I'm bored and really am thinking about her, or just not over it... .But I feel like I could sit here forever and talk about her and thats no more moving on than keeping tabs on social media. Try to turn one day into two by not looking at her stuff. I'm on day 6 and I'm honestly kinda happy I don't know whose writing what or whose giving her attention.

[Earthbayne]

Just to clarify ... .I buy a 6 pack but a 6 pack now lasts me about a week and a half.

I just like to have one to relax.

But yeah, this was the first time I looked up any form of her and then when I saw her picture, it just took me back.

I'm perfectly fine all day until it's about 8 PM and I'm here all alone by myself. I try to do other things or watch TV or whatever, and I log on to FB and one thing leads to another. It's like I had no control of what I was doing although I technically did.

This sucks.

[guy4caligirl]

I am with you I feel so bad tonight really i don't have an idea what i should think about all this ,

I can't even think how could she get on like nothing happened after five years like i am nothing anymore .

[rockinne]

It seems your ex continues to be able to manipulate and control you even during the time you say is NC.  At least one might get that impression by the things you wrote in your post.  I am not one to sugarcoat things or give hugs and tell you I'm sorry because you are having a rough time. I won't tell you that it's ok to think and behave that way, and share my horror stories in an effort gain your sympathy. I have been through relationships with BPD women, and suffered that pain. I endured the blame and shaming and manipulation for many years because I allowed it to happen to myself. I finally ended the relationships and that was my chance to find liberation from the entrapment and hell that was the relationships. I would offer that 16 days ago you had a similar experience. I would also offer that she is no longer manipulating and controlling you. There is only one person capable of controlling your thoughts and emotions any more. Your anger is no longer in reaction to anything she does or says. Your anger and resentment can now only be of your own making.  You are free from having to always to make the long journey to her home.  You will no longer be made to feel like you must submit yourself to those degrading situations you mentioned. She was never able to force you to do anything without you allowing it. We can all look back and realize that we have always been responsible for our own lives. Believe me when I say that I know this because I have been there and have the T-shirt to show it. I am not over what happened.  At times, I still feel resentment and anger whenever I allow myself to feel that way.  :)welling on finding ways like FB to spy on someone and increasing the resentment is not productive.  Neither is focusing on the resentment for what someone else did to you in the past, and reliving them in your mind will only prolong the pain.  You have the opportunity now to focus on healing and growth and work to rid yourself of the destruction and pain in your life resulting from the relationship, and make of your life whatever you choose.  You can dwell on the past and all the resentment and hatred you feel toward her, and continue blaming her for your negative emotions and pain, just like she did to you throughout your relationship. That will never bring you peace or satisfaction and the healing process will stall or may never happen.  Or you can focus on your newly realized liberation, and restoring your dignity and look at yourself and all those around you with compassion.  Online dating has never been the way to find a loving and nurturing relationship.  Virtual connections over the internet will never compare to the kind of connections you will make with real people through mindfulness and compassionate living. I hope what I have written is not perceived as hurtful criticism or offensive. I am a straight shooter who tells things how I see them and expect the same from others.  All the best.