Why does it bother me who my ex is seeing?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Any thoughts on why I dwell on the fact on who my exBPD female may or may not be seeing?  I seem to be preoccupied with this and it's likely hampering my ability to detach and heal.

Is it my co-dependency, addiction to her, just too soon yet, or all of the above?

I've seen many posts on here where people say they just don't care who their ex is with now and I'd like to be able to get to that point because I know it isn't healthy to dwell on something that is beyond my control and does me no good.  It's just kind of stuck in my head for some reason.

[Raybo48]

Any thoughts on why I dwell on the fact on who my exBPD female may or may not be seeing?  I seem to be preoccupied with this and it's likely hampering my ability to detach and heal.

Is it my co-dependency, addiction to her, just too soon yet, or all of the above?

I've seen many posts on here where people say they just don't care who their ex is with now and I'd like to be able to get to that point because I know it isn't healthy to dwell on something that is beyond my control and does me no good.  It's just kind of stuck in my head for some reason.

[Deeno02]

Any thoughts on why I dwell on the fact on who my exBPD female may or may not be seeing?  I seem to be preoccupied with this and it's likely hampering my ability to detach and heal.

Is it my co-dependency, addiction to her, just too soon yet, or all of the above?

I've seen many posts on here where people say they just don't care who their ex is with now and I'd like to be able to get to that point because I know it isn't healthy to dwell on something that is beyond my control and does me no good.  It's just kind of stuck in my head for some reason.

It bothered me silly at the begining. The ruminating and panic/anxiety of her being with another guy. Been about 8 weeks now since B/U and about 40 days NC and you know what? Those have diminished... .alot. F*ck her. Hope she's happy because its not me putting up with all that ___ anymore. Example... .Last week her oldest tried lighting the school on fire with a stolen lighter and a roll of TP and got pinched by the cops and suspended. If I was still with her, gues who would have gotten the call to come straighten out her son... the ex? Nope, me. As I have for the past 16 months everytime he did something messed up. Guess what though... .I got no call. Thats right, no call. Im done with her chaos and the chaos of her life. I hope the new guy got the call to come over and take care of it. I hope he tells her not my problem, call his dad... Not my problem, its someone elses now. Oh, I miss the ___ out of her and the kids, but why? So I can be abused again? Screw that... .Screw that.

[Raybo48]

Any thoughts on why I dwell on the fact on who my exBPD female may or may not be seeing?  I seem to be preoccupied with this and it's likely hampering my ability to detach and heal.

Is it my co-dependency, addiction to her, just too soon yet, or all of the above?

I've seen many posts on here where people say they just don't care who their ex is with now and I'd like to be able to get to that point because I know it isn't healthy to dwell on something that is beyond my control and does me no good.  It's just kind of stuck in my head for some reason.

It bothered me silly at the begining. The ruminating and panic/anxiety of her being with another guy. Been about 8 weeks now since B/U and about 40 days NC and you know what? Those have diminished... .alot. F*ck her. Hope she's happy because its not me putting up with all that ___ anymore. Example... .Last week her oldest tried lighting the school on fire with a stolen lighter and a roll of TP and got pinched by the cops and suspended. If I was still with her, gues who would have gotten the call to come straighten out her son... the ex? Nope, me. As I have for the past 16 months everytime he did something messed up. Guess what though... .I got no call. Thats right, no call. Im done with her chaos and the chaos of her life. I hope the new guy got the call to come over and take care of it. I hope he tells her not my problem, call his dad... Not my problem, its someone elses now. Oh, I miss the ___ out of her and the kids, but why? So I can be abused again? Screw that... .Screw that.

Yea, I just have to keep drilling it into my head as often as possible. My ex had a chaotic event seemingly every other week.  Things would be going smooth (smooth for her at least) and then bam, utter chaos.  Then if I wasn't there immediately either in person, or by phone I was a horrible person.  I remember one time she went to court for tossing a cigarette out of her car window on the hwy.  They wouldn't let her out of it and they said it would be on her record. She blew up my phone at work and I couldn't pick up my cell.  I called her literally 6 minutes after she called and she ran me out on a rail for DAYS because I didn't take her call immediately and how dare I be that insensitive... .on and on an on.  If I think about it enough there are many examples just like that. 

Yea, you are right... .Every time I think about her with another dude I need to also think about how he's being abused and not me anymore.  Screw that is right.

[clydegriffith]

How long has it been? Initially, everytime the BPDx changed guys it bothered me but i stopped caring after a while. She was never mine to begin with and she is by no means a prize. Criticizing and/or being jealous of who she was seeing didn't do any good as the problem is and will always be her, not who she is seeing.

[Raybo48]

How long has it been? Initially, everytime the BPDx changed guys it bothered me but i stopped caring after a while. She was never mine to begin with and she is by no means a prize. Criticizing and/or being jealous of who she was seeing didn't do any good as the problem is and will always be her, not who she is seeing.

She called me/texed intoxicated last Sunday a couple of times... I didn't answer but it triggered thoughts again and even before that it was only 6 or 7 days of NC, so not that long in the big scheme of things.   Great points you make, my pbdx was never really mine either.

[expos]

Is it my co-dependency, addiction to her, just too soon yet, or all of the above?

A weird combo of everything you listed.  You have emotional investment and cared.

1. Because it is too soon and you haven't healed, she *healed* quicker to replace you rather than dealing with her own issues.   

2. Addiction to her.  Not really.  See emotional investment (above)

3. Co-Dependency.  Do you feel like you really need her to get on with your life?

I'd like to add:

4.  Ego bruise.  She built you up, tore you down.  In your head, you are thinking your replacement is better than you and that's simply not true. 

I find that BPD's look for particular traits in their partners.  Nurturing, caring, thoughtful, supportive, providing.  Because you GIVE - it's easier for them to TAKE.

[Raybo48]

Is it my co-dependency, addiction to her, just too soon yet, or all of the above?

A weird combo of everything you listed.  You have emotional investment and cared.

1. Because it is too soon and you haven't healed, she *healed* quicker to replace you rather than dealing with her own issues.   

2. Addiction to her.  Not really.  See emotional investment (above)

3. Co-Dependency.  Do you feel like you really need her to get on with your life?

I'd like to add:

4.  Ego bruise.  She built you up, tore you down.  In your head, you are thinking your replacement is better than you and that's simply not true. 

I find that BPD's look for particular traits in their partners.  Nurturing, caring, thoughtful, supportive, providing.  Because you GIVE - it's easier for them to TAKE.

Thanks Expos... .Know what? You have hit it on the head... I somehow convinced myself that the replacement is better than me.   I should know better because all the stuff I've read suggests  they go for an easier target the next time.

[expos]

Is it my co-dependency, addiction to her, just too soon yet, or all of the above?

A weird combo of everything you listed.  You have emotional investment and cared.

1. Because it is too soon and you haven't healed, she *healed* quicker to replace you rather than dealing with her own issues.   

2. Addiction to her.  Not really.  See emotional investment (above)

3. Co-Dependency.  Do you feel like you really need her to get on with your life?

I'd like to add:

4.  Ego bruise.  She built you up, tore you down.  In your head, you are thinking your replacement is better than you and that's simply not true. 

I find that BPD's look for particular traits in their partners.  Nurturing, caring, thoughtful, supportive, providing.  Because you GIVE - it's easier for them to TAKE.

Thanks Expos... .Know what? You have hit it on the head... I somehow convinced myself that the replacement is better than me.   I should know better because all the stuff I've read suggests  they go for an easier target the next time.

Dude, if you and your replacement were standing side by side, would I stand there and say "wow, that guy is superior that guy"?  No.  Nobody would.  You are the only one who feels this way right now. 

Easier targets?  Yes!  And they become better manipulators.  The last relationship serves as a boot camp on what they can get away with.  Your replacement has no idea what he is in for, and probably won't until it's too late. 

[Raybo48]

Is it my co-dependency, addiction to her, just too soon yet, or all of the above?

A weird combo of everything you listed.  You have emotional investment and cared.

1. Because it is too soon and you haven't healed, she *healed* quicker to replace you rather than dealing with her own issues.   

2. Addiction to her.  Not really.  See emotional investment (above)

3. Co-Dependency.  Do you feel like you really need her to get on with your life?

I'd like to add:

4.  Ego bruise.  She built you up, tore you down.  In your head, you are thinking your replacement is better than you and that's simply not true. 

I find that BPD's look for particular traits in their partners.  Nurturing, caring, thoughtful, supportive, providing.  Because you GIVE - it's easier for them to TAKE.

Thanks Expos... .Know what? You have hit it on the head... I somehow convinced myself that the replacement is better than me.   I should know better because all the stuff I've read suggests  they go for an easier target the next time.

Dude, if you and your replacement were standing side by side, would I stand there and say "wow, that guy is superior that guy"?  No.  Nobody would.  You are the only one who feels this way right now. 

Easier targets?  Yes!  And they become better manipulators.  The last relationship serves as a boot camp on what they can get away with.  Your replacement has no idea what he is in for, and probably won't until it's too late. 

Oh so true.  I noticed she was trying different tactics with me toward the end.  When I would deflect and defend she would accuse me of "always wanting to argue"...   No, it was me being onto what she was trying to do.  It was a crazy dance, but you know what in a very dysfunctional way I think it made her see me as a challenge.  She kept coming back over and over and over and her excuse would be "I know we are both nuts but I love you and want to work this out"  I would deflect and defend and it would start all over again... . 

[StayOrLeave15]

Oh so true.  I noticed she was trying different tactics with me toward the end.  When I would deflect and defend she would accuse me of "always wanting to argue"...   No, it was me being onto what she was trying to do.  It was a crazy dance, but you know what in a very dysfunctional way I think it made her see me as a challenge.  She kept coming back over and over and over and her excuse would be "I know we are both nuts but I love you and want to work this out"  I would deflect and defend and it would start all over again... . 

I can't count the number of times I heard "You always want to argue."  I also saw it as a challenge though.  I thought if I did everything just right that things would be okay.  But it never was.  When things were going smoothly she would find something to stir up trouble.  I understand she has a disorder and things trigger her, but it was still very hurtful. 

Our little mantra to explain our crazy relationship was, "No one understands our love but us."  But really that was just an excuse for the complete dysfunction in our relationship. 

All that said, the idea of her with someone else bothers me a lot.  The physical idea of her having sex with another guy sickens me to my stomach.  I don't know how I would react if I ran into her with someone else.  My gut feeling is that I would just start laughing and feel bad for the poor guy. 

I'd like to add:

4.  Ego bruise.  She built you up, tore you down.  In your head, you are thinking your replacement is better than you and that's simply not true. 

I find that BPD's look for particular traits in their partners.  Nurturing, caring, thoughtful, supportive, providing.  Because you GIVE - it's easier for them to TAKE.

I know it is true in every way that my replacement (if she has found him or whenever she does) is not better than me, nor is he better than you.  He is just another target.  I'm not sure if it is true that pwBPD look for these traits consciously or not but they surely end up with partners that have them.  I knew I was a perfect target - all of the above traits plus I was in a very vulnerable place so I became very dependent on her.  But I don't think it is some sort of premeditated plan they have.  It is simply the nature of their disorder that they attract a certain type of person.  Others would be turned off by their behavior and not get sucked in so deeply and would have left before the relationship got too far. 

I've seen many posts on here where people say they just don't care who their ex is with now and I'd like to be able to get to that point because I know it isn't healthy to dwell on something that is beyond my control and does me no good.  It's just kind of stuck in my head for some reason.

I continue to dwell on her all day.  The worst is on Friday and Saturday nights when I imagine her out having sex with another guy.  I've acted out in the past by going out and getting drunk to look for an easy hookup of my own.  I know this is not healthy.  Now I just don't care.  So I sit home and imagine what she could be doing.  I know I'm better off without her, but it is so hard when she is in my head all day and night.  It is a long road.

[emancipated]

I don't know what my preoccupation was/is with my replacement I think for me it was about how much I was built up and and then in a matter of minutes it seemed anyway everything I ever did didnt matter and then on top of that he is almost 20 years older and hasn't aged well and then hearing how he is everything I am not was also hard because of how much I put in and gave up to be with this girl and also the stuff that gets thrown in your face that u either don't remember or was never made aware of that was a deal breaker. And the nights thinking about what theu were doing was unbearable at times. So really any number of things could have been the issue... I still hurt from.time to time and think about her still sometimes wondering if a recycle is coming ... one thing I did notice about her last 2 exes before me they were still relatively close... her ex husband she obviously still sees because of the kids and the guy she cheated on her husband with was a family friend... yet we have no additional ties that bind and am wondering if that will make a difference

[camuse]

I'm really not sure why this still bothers me. I still think about the person she replaced me with, even though given her history she has probably moved on from him by now, probably several times! I think it's the deceit that sticks in my mind, how someone can profess such intense love and not mean it, because they are busy lining up the next person and hiding it and moving on to them a few days later.

Someone posted that you have to accept people for who they are and my ex is a mentally ill, unstable, disordered, miserable, empty lying cheat. But part of my mind seems to refuse to accept that, and it's a bit frustrating. It annoys me that I still think about her despite having absolutely no contact and never will again, and I have no idea whatsoever what she is up to (she could be dead for all I know!). I think of her with my replacement having fun laughing at me, even though I know the reality is probably that the replacement has already been torn apart and discarded by now and she is almost certainly still miserable and hopeless. I think of the fun days and nights we shared, even though the reality was the rages, panic, abuse, etc. I think back wistfully to the good times we shared, even though my life is 1000x better now without her in every way. I really have no idea why I give her a second thought, but I do.

I think this is a problem for me, being unable to ACCEPT the reality of a situation even though I know 100% that it is so. A pathetic part of my brain that refuses to give in to the reality that it was not real. I think I will talk this over next time with my T.

[Startattoo2]

Mine was like a fantasy relationship.

Amazing, fulfilling, loving, fun.

But ultimately fantasy, therefore not real.

I still think of the good stuff way to much.

It was real to me, and I think that's where we get hung up.

[Deeno02]

Mine was like a fantasy relationship.

Amazing, fulfilling, loving, fun.

But ultimately fantasy, therefore not real.

I still think of the good stuff way to much.

It was real to me, and I think that's where we get hung up.

Yep. And I dont care about my replacement. She didnt cheat on me, she just went to a college buddy shes known for years. His turn now. It may take a year, 5 years, 15 or 20 years, but she will leave him in the dirt too. Unless he's smarter than me... .

[Raybo48]

I'm really not sure why this still bothers me. I still think about the person she replaced me with, even though given her history she has probably moved on from him by now, probably several times! I think it's the deceit that sticks in my mind, how someone can profess such intense love and not mean it, because they are busy lining up the next person and hiding it and moving on to them a few days later.

Someone posted that you have to accept people for who they are and my ex is a mentally ill, unstable, disordered, miserable, empty lying cheat. But part of my mind seems to refuse to accept that, and it's a bit frustrating. It annoys me that I still think about her despite having absolutely no contact and never will again, and I have no idea whatsoever what she is up to (she could be dead for all I know!). I think of her with my replacement having fun laughing at me, even though I know the reality is probably that the replacement has already been torn apart and discarded by now and she is almost certainly still miserable and hopeless. I think of the fun days and nights we shared, even though the reality was the rages, panic, abuse, etc. I think back wistfully to the good times we shared, even though my life is 1000x better now without her in every way. I really have no idea why I give her a second thought, but I do.

I think this is a problem for me, being unable to ACCEPT the reality of a situation even though I know 100% that it is so. A pathetic part of my brain that refuses to give in to the reality that it was not real. I think I will talk this over next time with my T.

This is part of my hang up too.  Especially since that love ("you have no idea how much I love you" was professed three weeks ago and in the SAME conversation she told me she had just dated three different guys and was working on a 4th if I didn't rescue her.  Talk about a complete mind F!

[Hawk Ridge]

I detest my jealousy. Facts: she left me when dyregulating; not to be an ego but i am cuter, more successful than my replacement; i don't have kids and they serve to be stressors for my ex as she tends to micromanage their movements and attitudes - my replacement has kids; my replacement has a support system where she lives, 4 hours one way from my ex and she has to drive to see my ex every weekend - it was not a big deal to me as my family lives far away; my ex has already started to dysregulate.  YET - I am jealous.  I can't stand that.   I can't help but hope that I won't feel this way about her replacement.  I need to detach and just remember my ex will do her too, just like me.  I have a deep faith so I am constantly praying my heart will be softened and that I can forgive her for merely walking the same path I unknowingly did.

[StayOrLeave15]

I think this is a problem for me, being unable to ACCEPT the reality of a situation even though I know 100% that it is so. A pathetic part of my brain that refuses to give in to the reality that it was not real. I think I will talk this over next time with my T.

Camuse, it isn't a pathetic part of your brain.  It is emotional, chemical, primal what you are feeling.  She touched a part deep inside of you that it is hard for logic and reason to override the response this causes. 

Therapy and moving on is usually about acceptance.  Perhaps you can ACCEPT the fact that it is difficult for you to process this situation emotionally even though you can step back and see it logically?  This is not a character flaw in you but rather part of the healing process. 

I detest my jealousy. Facts: she left me when dyregulating; not to be an ego but i am cuter, more successful than my replacement

They tend to "evolve" and move on to easier targets.  This is not a reflection of you as a person.  But it is completely normal to feel jealous.  I sure do.  I'm lucky that I don't have any mutual friends with her and all forms of social media, etc. are blocked so the only way I would find out about a replacement is if I ran into her.

Again, the logic vs emotion.  You know logically she hasn't "upgraded" from her but the emotions still hurt and you feel the jealousy.