The disdain - contempt - and ugliness... can't stand it anymore - HELP

[Depression = 72% of members]

I really didn't expect it to go on that long, as she was getting ready to leave for an appointment and it was time to go.  I considered getting up and leaving, but I knew she had a finite amount of time and I wasn't feeling under any stress.  I don't know if she was late getting where she was going, but she was about 20 minutes late leaving the house, and she knew she had caused it, as I had done nothing but sit and listen.  I do understand your point GK and I'm working to remind myself I don't have to listen to anything I choose not to.  Next time she starts if there's not a preexisting deadline like there was today, I'm prepared to give her some space to cool down.  Today actually wasn't heated, it was just a laundry list of her projecting everything she was feeling on to me.  I just sat there in my Force-bubble and let her get it all out.  By the time she left I think she figured out she wasn't going to get any reaction today.

[jedimaster]

I really didn't expect it to go on that long, as she was getting ready to leave for an appointment and it was time to go.  I considered getting up and leaving, but I knew she had a finite amount of time and I wasn't feeling under any stress.  I don't know if she was late getting where she was going, but she was about 20 minutes late leaving the house, and she knew she had caused it, as I had done nothing but sit and listen.  I do understand your point GK and I'm working to remind myself I don't have to listen to anything I choose not to.  Next time she starts if there's not a preexisting deadline like there was today, I'm prepared to give her some space to cool down.  Today actually wasn't heated, it was just a laundry list of her projecting everything she was feeling on to me.  I just sat there in my Force-bubble and let her get it all out.  By the time she left I think she figured out she wasn't going to get any reaction today.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jack_50]

My solution : blame it on the hormones (quietly), and have a good day  

I wouldn't recommend that. It would be very dismissive, invalidating and likely to be a huge trigger.

But the principle of just accepting it was one of those things you cant control is similar

As a woman that has been struggling with hormonal stuff lately, it would be very invalidating and would likely cause a trigger. I think I have been pretty good and keeping myself in check when struggling with hormone surges and cramps but I am not a saint and nothing feels worse than somebody chalking things up to hormones and ignoring you.

Hi there,

Thank you for your opinion, it's always good to hear the other side as well.

Don't mean to hijack this thread, but I brought it up because in my marriage the worst abuse always happens around that time, no exceptions yet in 13 years; it might apply to the situation of some of the people posting here.

And I've been frustrated to no end about this, hence my escapism.  

The thing that makes me ignore her entire "issue", is that I do not see any reward for suffering and supporting her through that week.  A simple "Thank you" afterwards would mean the world to me, and make me try even harder next time, as she shows awareness of and responsibility for her actions.  But no, according to her I'm supposed to do this by default because I am a man... .

Part of the problem is probably a man-woman communication thing : I need direct feedback, while she maybe indirectly pampers me sometime later; just that I do not link that to this issue.

It's not easy... .


Jack

[Theo41]

Night moves, the first step is to begin to internalize that it IS an illness... .like depression, alcoholism, diabetes, etc.

Second step is for them to receive treatment for the illness: DBT Therapy. Unfortunately most high functioning BPDs are in denial and refuse treatment.

Third step is to figure out how and if you can live with it . I think for the present I am able to do that with the boundries that I wrote you about earlier.

Final step is either to go down with the ship or leave.

One final note, again: make sure the children are protected from the toxicity of BPD behavior. It can ruin their young lives and create emotional  issues that can cripple them as adults. Theo

[enlighten me]

I appologise if this has already been said as I havent read all the posts yet.

just wanted to put my spin on it from what I went through and what I read.

I have a short sleep pattern and cant just lay in bed. I would get up before exgf and sort things out fot the day. My ex would normally come doen in a bad mood. I now believe this is due to abandonment. When she wakes up and im not there then in her eyes I have abandoned her. She msybe fretted that I have left her and when sje saw I was there still she got angry for putting her through it.

[Grey Kitty]

My solution : blame it on the hormones (quietly), and have a good day  

I wouldn't recommend that. It would be very dismissive, invalidating and likely to be a huge trigger.

But the principle of just accepting it was one of those things you cant control is similar

As a woman that has been struggling with hormonal stuff lately, it would be very invalidating and would likely cause a trigger. I think I have been pretty good and keeping myself in check when struggling with hormone surges and cramps but I am not a saint and nothing feels worse than somebody chalking things up to hormones and ignoring you.

My wife did have hormonal mood swings over the years. She was on the pill (prescribed for cramps!), and went to antidepressants partially due to the side effects. Then she quit both at once(!) and the natural monthly cycle of moods restarted. In the last couple years of peri-menopause, the mood swings were there, but no longer on a regular schedule. She seems to be settling down a little bit on the other side now.

Since she was able to acknowledge the mood swings, I did sometimes ASK her if she could be feeling irritable due hormonal reasons, especially if I'd noticed any of the physical changes that happened at that time of the month. I did tread lightly in this area whenever I went there.

If she didn't acknowledge this, I agree 100% that for me to say anything would be invalidating... .AND STUPID! If I know she's irritable, saying something invalidating is a HORRIBLE idea!

For the rest of you guys... .it *IS* worth paying attention to, and saying very little about, if anything.

[waverider]

Hormonal mood swings are no doubt another source of trigger. Likewise they can also mask the real issue. Hence it is easier to accept "it happens' rather than trying to put a diagnosis on individual episodes.

Assumption is the mother of all stuff ups.

[nightmoves]

Night moves, the first step is to begin to internalize that it IS an illness... .like depression, alcoholism, diabetes, etc.

Second step is for them to receive treatment for the illness: DBT Therapy. Unfortunately most high functioning BPDs are in denial and refuse treatment.

Third step is to figure out how and if you can live with it . I think for the present I am able to do that with the boundries that I wrote you about earlier.

Final step is either to go down with the ship or leave.

One final note, again: make sure the children are protected from the toxicity of BPD behavior. It can ruin their young lives and create emotional  issues that can cripple them as adults. Theo

Theo - poignant.

Thank you very much.

Night

PS... .I did note that ... .there was no "saving the ship"in the multiple choices... .

I assume that was intentional... .;-)