I'm codependent... work on me, or us...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey Everyone... .In the past I have been on the leaving board. Now I am here.  This relationship is filled with so much pain but at the same time I feel like I'm miss him so much when he's gone and I feel like he's the only one for me and I quickly engage or he does. We have recycled probably 50 or more times In 4 years... .no kidding. when I think rationally I go back and forth between wondering if I really love him or if I'm just really sick myself with codependency. I feel like I'm addicted to the highs and lows of this relationship.but even during the highs it feels unhealthy. Because the highs are too high and the lows are too low and there is never grey area for him... .in anything in life. I want to be healthy... I want to live life to the fullest... I don't want to be in such pain. I don't want to walk on eggshells day in and day out. I don't want to have to use acronyms like SET and stuff to always not trigger him without ever getting any of my emotional needs met... .I want my life to be different but I don't know how to let it go once and for all... .I guess I just needed to vent. ... to write down my thoughts... .I wonder why any healthy person would want to have to go through so much crap just to keep someone even and not triggered... .while giving up everything it means to have a loving partner... .what is love? Because this feels like the opposite of how I would define it.  I guess everyone is different though... .I know what I need to do... .I hope I find the strength one day... .I guess I'm just wondering... .why do others hang on?

[guitargrl]

Hey Everyone... .In the past I have been on the leaving board. Now I am here.  This relationship is filled with so much pain but at the same time I feel like I'm miss him so much when he's gone and I feel like he's the only one for me and I quickly engage or he does. We have recycled probably 50 or more times In 4 years... .no kidding. when I think rationally I go back and forth between wondering if I really love him or if I'm just really sick myself with codependency. I feel like I'm addicted to the highs and lows of this relationship.but even during the highs it feels unhealthy. Because the highs are too high and the lows are too low and there is never grey area for him... .in anything in life. I want to be healthy... I want to live life to the fullest... I don't want to be in such pain. I don't want to walk on eggshells day in and day out. I don't want to have to use acronyms like SET and stuff to always not trigger him without ever getting any of my emotional needs met... .I want my life to be different but I don't know how to let it go once and for all... .I guess I just needed to vent. ... to write down my thoughts... .I wonder why any healthy person would want to have to go through so much crap just to keep someone even and not triggered... .while giving up everything it means to have a loving partner... .what is love? Because this feels like the opposite of how I would define it.  I guess everyone is different though... .I know what I need to do... .I hope I find the strength one day... .I guess I'm just wondering... .why do others hang on?

[Infern0]

I'm in the same boat.  It's clear to me that I'm codependent,  I had the textbook parent style which creates it.

I want it gone but I don't know how,  the only thing I see that does it is going to therapy which is specialized and I would love to do that but I don't have the money to afford it.  It's faulty software running in the brain.

All I know is that this BPD journey has robbed me of a year of my life and I'm doing my best to detatch and get away but there's part of me at all times that still has the dillusion and wants her back.

It worries me because especially with all the technology avaliable as well as mutual aquaintances she will always be able to get in contact with me and she has the ability to make me do things I swore I'd never do again.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[123Phoebe]

I want to live life to the fullest... I don't want to be in such pain. I don't want to walk on eggshells day in and day out. I don't want to have to use acronyms like SET and stuff to always not trigger him without ever getting any of my emotional needs met... .I want my life to be different but I don't know how to let it go once and for all... .I guess I just needed to vent. ... to write down my thoughts... .I wonder why any healthy person would want to have to go through so much crap just to keep someone even and not triggered... .while giving up everything it means to have a loving partner... .what is love? Because this feels like the opposite of how I would define it. 

Hi guitatgrl, I hear ya on your wants and don't wants; it can sometimes feel so overwhelming trying to deal with it all.

Something that has helped me is to think of the tools (validation, SET etc... ) as tools for myself, to connect to others better with, not to change anything about me (or them!) per se', other than how to understand another person by connecting to them on a deeper level, while getting in better touch with ourselves, too.  Does that make sense?

Just yesterday we were out for happy hour.  Our bartender was rattled, griping to another patron like mad about a puppy they just got and how the puppy does this and that and doesn't listen and blah blah blah.  She was full on emotive, acting out different scenarios and just over the top with it, I thought.  I could feel myself getting agitated as I was feeling so sorry for the puppy!  I wanted to jump across the bar and yell at her to chill the f out with the poor dog and maybe it wouldn't be so defiant

The guy she was talking to calmly stated, "Sigh, sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed and would like your old life back?  Puppies can be a handful!"

The bartender softened and said, "Exactly!  Aw, he's so cute and I know it's going to take time.  Patience isn't one of my strong suits."

I was just like WoW, that was nice.  He connected with her!  He didn't take what she was saying personally, like I did   And she calmed right down.

The tools and lessons work to connect with others, but first we have to recognize our own triggers and stop ourselves from acting on our feelings   We're not always right, or at least I'm not