Coping With the Fear My uBPDm Created For Me

[jmanvo2015]

I am afraid of my mother.  

In terms outlined on this board, she fits into the category of a Borderline Queen and demonstrates on an hourly basis the need for "control" that fits this categorization of BPDs.

Here's the thing. I'm 45 years old and living back at home with my uBPDm and uNPD stepfather.  It's not all bad and the experience led me to these boards and to Adult Children of Alcoholics, so it's become a time of growth and change for me.

However, one thing that confronts me every day is the fear I have of my mother.  If I were to ever express this to her, she would tell me I am "crazy" and "oversensitive."  But, I am genuinely afraid of her.  Sometimes, it's the little things, too.  Like, for example, when she first wakes up in the morning that's the scariest time of the day for me.  I just never know what kind of mood she will be in and if it's a bad one, I can expect a litany of criticisms and the possibility of one of her rages.  The littlest things can set her off, such as  dish in the sink or a little bit of cat litter trailing across the kitchen floor.  

My uBPDm always wears slippers, so I can hear her coming as they whish against the tile floor and you know what?  It leaves me in a constant state of suspense.  It's like I can never relax when I hear that noise, like my heart is thumping in my chest because I know she might come into the guest room and start criticizing, yelling or lecturing.  I'm always "on guard."  Isn't that an awful way to live?

Today is Saturday and it's her self-described cleaning day.  Today, she will wake up late and then spend the entire day cleaning the house until it's spotless.  The house is decorated with white floors and glass tables and mirrors (mirrors - very appropriate for someone with my mom's NPD tendencies, I've realized).  There are rooms we hardly ever use.  Nothing can be touched.  It's like living in a museum - a very clean, but also very cold space without warmth.

My mother is cleaning the guest bathroom that I am using.  I offered to clean it when she woke up, but she wouldn't let me.  She has to do it her way, of course - just another thing she'll end up resenting me for.  She has emptied it and I have to pee.  So, I go in there.  While I'm on the toilet, I hear a horrible SCREAM.  Yes, a SCREAM.  It's that tone, that terrible, immobilizing and debilitating tone.  How dare I go into the bathroom?  Couldn't I see that she was cleaning it?  Didn't I realize the floor was wet? (it wasn't).  "GET OUT OF THERE!" she yells at me. 

Of course, after this, I am demoralized, shamed, silent.  All of that because I had to pee.  How dare I be so selfish?  How dare I disrupt the Queen's routine?  This fear of my mother's anger - it is a heartbreaking thing to live with.  It is shaming and cutting and demoralizing... .To never know what mommy she will be, to always be afraid.  This is what BPD does to a person. This is what is so awful about the disease of BPD and this is the thing that people without BPD in their lives will never comprehend or be able to empathize or sympathize for.  They will never understand that fear, or the ensuing shame.

I am realizing as I expand my horizons in the world that so many people don't live the way my uBPDm and uNPD stepfather live.  They are not constantly unhappy and living according to rigid standards of perfectionism and self-imposed disciplines that make little sense (like always making sure the sink is empty and clean?). There are people out there that know how to relax, enjoy life, enjoy people.  There are people that don't take everything so seriously and don't feel like everything is their responsibility. There are actually people who DON'T constantly find fault in other people and aren't always criticizing others and pointing out their weaknesses.

I really want to be a person like that.  I really want to be someone who can enjoy life.  I don't want to live in fear of my uBPDm and uNPD stepfather one day longer.  I want to breathe freely, laugh heartily and love deeply.  

Lately, I'm tellling myself, when I hear my uBPD approaching - the shuffling of her slippers - to just take a deep breath.  "She can't hurt you," I tell myself.  "You don't need to be afraid of her.  She won't hurt you physically. She'll just yell, or criticize or lecture.  You can handle that, J, you really can.  You can let it go in one ear and out the other. You don't need to be afraid of her.  Take a deep breath and create those boandaries."

It is getting better, but it is horrible that I have to be afraid of my own mother.  It's such a source of shame to have been raised by two such unhappy people.  My biological father was diagnosed yesterday with Stage 4 lung cancer.  He's Italian. He's not perfect, but my mother always told me he was horrible and selfish and so I didn't know him for most of my life.  But when I did reconnect with him in 2010, I learned he had raised his wife's two children and they have FUN!  They travel frequently.  They play games.  They go to casinos.  They go out.  Is my dad perfect?  No, he has a lot of NPD traits, too.  But the difference between him and my mother is that he actually has a life!  He doesn't spend the entire weekend cleaning his house.  He doesn't expect everything and everyone around him to be perfect.  

Now, I am probably going to lose him soon and I have only my uBPD mother to blame for creating distance and problems between us for most of my life.  I will never get that time with him back and there's nothing I can do about it.

The only thing I can do, moving forward, is love and accept my mom for who and what she is, recognize she has a serious and very debilitating mental illness and not give her the power to rob my life of any more joy or relationships.

Amen.

[Kwamina]

Hello jmanvo2015

But, I am genuinely afraid of her.  Sometimes, it's the little things, too.  Like, for example, when she first wakes up in the morning that's the scariest time of the day for me.  I just never know what kind of mood she will be in and if it's a bad one, I can expect a litany of criticisms and the possibility of one of her rages.  The littlest things can set her off, such as  dish in the sink or a little bit of cat litter trailing across the kitchen floor.  

My uBPDm always wears slippers, so I can hear her coming as they whish against the tile floor and you know what?  It leaves me in a constant state of suspense.  It's like I can never relax when I hear that noise, like my heart is thumping in my chest because I know she might come into the guest room and start criticizing, yelling or lecturing.  I'm always "on guard."  Isn't that an awful way to live?

I can totally relate to what you describe here. Constantly being on guard for possible attacks is a very stressful way to live your life. I am happy though that you're exploring ways to help you stay calm and overcome the fear you have for your mother.

My biological father was diagnosed yesterday with Stage 4 lung cancer.

... .

Now, I am probably going to lose him soon and I have only my uBPD mother to blame for creating distance and problems between us for most of my life.  I will never get that time with him back and there's nothing I can do about it.

The only thing I can do, moving forward, is love and accept my mom for who and what she is, recognize she has a serious and very debilitating mental illness and not give her the power to rob my life of any more joy or relationships.

I am very sorry for you that your biological father is so sick. Do you have much contact with him? It can be very hard to accept that you'll never get the time with him back but I hope that you will be able to spend some time with him now that he's sick.