I think my mom has BPD – what should I do?

[Sparkle_Pony]

My most pressing issue with my mother at the moment is her treatment of her pets and the negative effects that is having on me.  When I came to visit her, she was letting her 17-year-old cat starve to death without taking it to the vet.  Once I found out this was happening, I talked my dad and brother into taking the cat to the vet (I didn't think I could talk my mom into doing this).

I went back to visit my parents again just a few weeks after this, and found out my mom had put down their healthy, six-year-old dog, which me and my husband were both very attached to, without telling us before hand or afterward. If I had known my mom was even considering having the dog put down, my husband and I would've been delighted to adopt it from her.

I have very little expertise on the subject of Borderline Personality Disorder, but my mom fits what I've read about it.

What I would like to do is ask my mom to not adopt any more pets without first making sure that she has the resources to take care of it, and maybe I could help talk her through figuring that out. I would also like to ask her to let me know before hand if she's planning on letting any of her pets die or having any of them put down. Otherwise, it makes it very difficult for me to go home and visit my parents and stay involved in their lives.

[clljhns]

  Sparkle_Pony,

So glad that you have found us!

I went back to visit my parents again just a few weeks after this, and found out my mom had put down their healthy, six-year-old dog, which me and my husband were both very attached to, without telling us before hand or afterward. If I had known my mom was even considering having the dog put down, my husband and I would've been delighted to adopt it from her.

Wow! When I read this, I was reminded of my sister having her healthy 8 year old dog put down last year. She was just tired of the responsibility and decided to end this sweet dogs life. She didn't say this of course, but it was pretty clear from her statements that she was making plans to move and didn't want to be straddled with the dog.

What I would like to do is ask my mom to not adopt any more pets without first making sure that she has the resources to take care of it, and maybe I could help talk her through figuring that out. I would also like to ask her to let me know before hand if she's planning on letting any of her pets die or having any of them put down. Otherwise, it makes it very difficult for me to go home and visit my parents and stay involved in their lives.

I get where you are coming from. It is so difficult to watch people make choices for animals who are defenseless, especially when we are witnesses to their neglect. Have you had a conversation with mom in the past where you made suggestions to her and she was receptive? I think this will be the guidepost for you in future conversations with mom. If mom has not been receptive in the past, I am not sure that she will be now.

I hope this doesn't sound negative.

You might want to read the article: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation to help guide you in your conversation with mom.

Let us know how it goes!

Peace and blessings.  

[Turkish]

Hello Sparkle_Pony, I'd like to join clljhns in drooling you to out community!

What a frustrating situation to be in, and with innocent animals being caught in the crossfire, so to speak. The validation skills that clljhns posted can certainly help you in communicating with her. Take a look at the Lessons at the top of the board and scan through them to see if any might be of help, especially Lessons 3 and 4 which have some material which may be a pplicable in your case...

It's hard when peoples' values clash with ours, and like you, I can't fathom putting down a perfectly healthy animal friend. The vslidation tools can help you open up a dialog, perhaps. With any pwBPD (person with BPD), one f the hardest things for us "nons" may be Radical Acceptance. This is just who they are.

My mom is a hoarder, also of animals. A poor rabbit she had for years died. It sat outside in a small, cage (thankfully with at least a board over it for rain and snow). I thought "at least that poor thing is at peace." I went to visit her a month later and she got another rabbit to replace the old one. There's no logic to this behavior.

Understanding that much of BPD behavior is purely disordered emotion (or distorted thinking) often cloaked in logic, can go a long way in feeling less frustrated by their behaviors.

How do you think you could initiate this conversation with her?

Turkish