Bpd/npd parents won't leave me alone

[Tiredbride313]

I'm just writing to vent. I've written some threads here about how I went NC with my uBPD mother and uNPD father during my engagement and wedding. Even when I tried to reach out to them a week before my wedding, my father refused to meet, stating that they had "other priorities", because I would only meet them at a neutral location and not their house. So be it. They had their chance and blew it.

A few months later, you'd think they would leave well enough alone, right? Nope. I blocked their numbers on my cell, but uBPD mother calls me at work. I mostly just delete the voicemails without listening, but the one I made the mistake of listening to was crying and hysterical, telling me what a terrible daughter I am, how she doesn't deserve the "punishment" I'm giving her, and how much I've changed due to my husband's "brainwashing". Seriously? Sure - she liked me better when I gave in to her every whim and demand and not caring about what I wanted.

Then there is uNPD father, who enjoys using the postal service to deliver his crap in the form of letters that he has sent to me, my in-laws, and family friends who supported me. I never read the letters he sent nor did my in-laws. I just keep them unopened in a safe in case I need evidence down the road. My family friends did read the letter he sent them and it said some horrible things about me, my husband, and them, saying that we are traitors for not listening to them, and they went online to my wedding photographer's blog to stalk and found a few wedding photos. Why do they care? They were the ones who disowned me and said they wanted no part of my wedding because I wouldn't make everything in my life all about them! And "not listening" to them? They must think they are dictators.  And to top it off, because my parents no longer know where I live, he found my work address and sent me a large package there labeled "personal items".

I just don't respond to anything in the hope they will eventually just give up. I did talk to my lawyer who offered to send them a cease and desist letter, but I don't know if it will help or make them retaliate even more harshly.

If anyone has any words of wisdom it would be much appreciated! I did ask my family friends not to share the contents of any other letters they may receive - it upsets me too much. And overall my life is so much better without their constant interference and abuse. I just wish they would leave well enough alone and stop trying to contact me.

[jmanvo2015]

Hi TiredBride,

You said in your post, "I'm just writing to vent."  So, I am not here to offer any advise, just sympathy.  I also have a uBPD mom and uNPD stepfather and, man, this is the worst combination! I'm also an only child, so it's always been them against me, making it suck even more.

I'm not going to steal your thread by talking about myself, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone.  My mother is a notorious letter writer, too, so I can really relate to that.  In fact, I can relate to pretty much everything you've said and have dealt with similar.

Hang in there!  Glad to hear you have both a husband and a lawyer to help deflect some of your parents' insanity.

[claudiaduffy]

TiredBride,

I'm giving you a hug, if I may, because I know a bit of what it's like. We just threw away a bunch of packages that came over the past several weeks from Amazon and other gift-sellers, to my husband from my uBPDmil. We quit opening them. The stuff from her just doesn't stop coming. Gift, abusive email, manipulative letter in the post, gift, inane greeting card, gift, emailed article (we have her email blocked so she sends stuff via websites), phone message (we have her number blocked, so she uses someone else's phone), et cetera.

I'm taking small satisfaction in "victories" that we have in becoming more and more removed from her ability to interfere. Trading in our car for a new-to-us car of a different type - now she doesn't know what kind of car we have. The fact that I changed jobs, so now she has no idea where I work or what I do. We go to a different church now, one that she doesn't know exists. Even my husband growing a beard and getting a new style of glasses - both a departure from the way he ever looked before.

... .meanwhile, in another part of life, I keep fending off my own uBPDmom. "Yes, we are considering one day having children. No, we are not going to discuss when and how we might move toward it. I understand that you would like to know, but we are not being public even with family about those decisions."

Hang in there - I'm sorry it sucks so much. I heartily approve of involving your lawyer in whatever way makes you comfortable!

You've got some traditional holidays coming up. Do you have plans to claim them for your beautiful new family of you and your husband? Can you look forward to enjoying them as true holidays from toxicity? The holidays really helped me and my new husband last year as we gave each other permission to sever ourselves from the traditions of our FOOs and structure things as we truly wanted them as a new unit.

[Tiredbride313]

Thank you jamanvo2015 and claudiaduffy for the encouraging words and support. It certainly helps to know that I'm not alone and that others have experienced something similar, although I hate that any of us have to deal with this!

Claudiaduffy - for the holidays we actually are breaking away from the 'norm'! I am looking forward to it. We are spending Thanksgiving at home. My husband and I have been doing quite a bit of travelling for work lately so we wanted to be able to spend the time together at home rather than driving 8+ hours to go to his FOO's house. His FOO is wonderful and they are understanding about it. We are also taking our honeymoon over Christmas and New Year's, so another great way to celebrate, just the two of us - with no possible way of my parents' toxicity trying to reach us. And despite the frustrations of when my parents find a way to get to me, I do find myself reveling in the small 'victories': the best was recently going on an overseas business trip without worrying about making twice-daily calls to my uBPD mother only to have her rattle on and on about herself or rage at me for not spending enough time with her. It was so peaceful to just be able to focus on my task at hand. 

[claudiaduffy]

Yay! I hope you can go from being TiredBride to being WellRestedBride. Those plans sound awesome.