She completely destroyed me - my confidence, my being. I lived in fear.

[thatwasthat]

I don't even know where to begin. There were a lot of horrible things she said and did to me.

In general it was the cold-hearted and unemotional way of talking to me, like someone scolding an employee that messed up.

It was especially painful considering that before shtf we had both agreed on that no matter if there is a fight one should always be open for talking and be "loving" (yes, i think that is possible.)

Just an example. When I was in my early/mid twenties I had a wonderful gf. Even when we fought, it was always clear that it has nothing to do with our status or love. No matter how long we had argued, one could just stop and say "hey I love you" and the other would say "I love you too." We never left each other in anger, even if a problem hadn't been solved yet. It was always "I love you, let's talk about this tomorrow."

My BPDx? WOW. She was so cold and rejecting. When she through me out of the house, in a foreign country, no money left... .I really managed to hold myself together. But I was at the end of my rope.

I cried, her only response was: "You need to calm down. This will LITERALLY not kill you. You need to stop crying or go for a walk, I can't handle your neediness."

And the tone was so cold, it wasn't her trying to "calm" me. But I guess you know that tone of voice.

Before the actual breakup... .EVERYTHING I did was wrong. EVERYTHING.

"WHY ARE YOU SLAMMING THE DOORS?" (I didn't slam any doors. Actually I was already closing them really quietly out of fear of an outburst.)

Just spilling a drop of milk when pouring me a glass lead to endless berating. Something that just happens, no normal person would have even noticed.

Driving with her was a nightmare. She went ballistic for me not making a total stop at a stop sign in the middle of nowhere, no car in sight for miles. I stopped, maybe the car just moved a bit because it was in gear (you see I even start justifying now.)

When I got my first car in the US she went on for HOURS how she would immediately break up if I would ever drive drunk etc. (I don't even drink alcohol.)  

When I went to buy groceries, I was always STRESSED out because the store might not have a specific brand of whatever.

What I am getting at is... .one of the worst things she did was completely destroy me, my confidence, my being. I lived in constant fear.

Let me tell you something... .for anyone that thinks he or she is weak.

I did multiple combat tours in a SF Unit. I was (before she anihilated me) VERY successful in a certain sport (world championships etc.) And this woman just blew me to smithereens.

I have the utmost respect for anyone on here and the incredible strength you show on a daily basis. You people are nothing but warriors.

[Blimblam]

That was that

I remember that.  Like being rejected 1000 times a

Day.  It got the the point I couldn't sleep without drugs I became disinterested in sex I was afraid to even touch her and I had the saving private Ryan shakes.  The way they hold you in contempt.  It begins slow as they plant seeds of self doubt in your mind and they water them to the point that they begin to flourish. I am 9 months out and that abuse is still something I have not fully recovered from. I wish you luck on your journey to healing and thanks for sharing with us.

May I ask what is a sf unit?

[Mr.Downtrodden]

Thatwasthat, you have my utmost respect for serving your country.

If you reside in the USA, a very special day today, Veterans Day.

for those who do not know, sf = special forces unit.  Those guys kick serious ass!

But I completely understand how you are feeling.  My confidence and self esteem amounted to a few droplets of water when I met my ex GF.  She made me feel so loved, comfortable and at ease.  Until I began to find out what was going on behind enemy lines, so to speak. 

She never freaked out at me or yelled, like many BPD women seem to do to their SO's. Mine had a way of making me feel like it was all normal, part of the game.  Her words, at the end, were cold, terse, as if she were reprimanding a small child.  I guess she was practicing for her future mom-hood.  She was two months pregnant when she "about faced" and rolled me to the curb.

I should have been able to walk out on my own terms. But the siphoning of my love, emotions and caring left me a hollow man. I gave, freely.  She took. She manipulated.  She lied. I have zero confidence in myself, or self esteem.  how will I know the next woman I meet isn't going to do the same to me, a slow death?  It seems the only single women left who find me of any interest are those with BPD or other issues.

[Pou]

I get you.  I am going through that everyday.  My NPDw flat out in front of my kids degrades, call me that I have no friends and no one likes me and I am no good and no one would ever want to work with me.  Now, if you know anything about PD, you know they talk non sense.  But how do little kids know when they speak with such authority, clarity and as if they are real?  then she goes on and say that I am lying to my 7 year old girl, 4 year old boy and a 2 year old girl how I have any friends and I don't do anything all day ... blah, blah… blah... she rages like this around 2 to 3 times a week.  And on top of that she rages about how I don't want to see her mom... which we see her 1 to 2 times a week.  And better yet, she wrote crazy emails to my sisters telling them how she was rude to my mom (which she was) on her 80th birthday because I am rude to her mother, which my 7 year old daughter told her mommy that is not true... nevertheless, my NPDw rages on….  better yet, she then planned a dinner with a common friend of ours, claiming that she only wanted to take her out with my daughter.  So guess what, my daughter go home and she looked like a truck just ran her over… after a day, she couldn't hold anymore and told me in front of her mommy why mommy bad mouth daddy in front of our common friend so she actually call me a loser in front my own daughter.  My daughter was deeply bothered by this, while my wife claims that she was only telling the truth.  I am pretty sure, if there is a hell, it is reserved for people like her.  So… am I mad?  Yes, very much.  But I also come to accept after 7 plus years of living in a torture chamber that NPDs have deep character flaws.  You can not change them.  You either try to live with them and get berated on daily or every other day basis or get the heck away.  Giving the fact that I have 3 beautiful kids, I will have to be very prudent on what I do.  I love them more then myself… so I make decisions based on their well being.  If I start to see mom to turn on my daughter because she won't follow the script… once twice I can take, if it becomes too frequent, then I will have stop it and our relationship will  just have to end.  My daughter's simple wish is just to have family spending time together.  meanwhile, my wife paint it as if that is what I want all the time and call me controlling… the irony is that my wife is so controlling that I can not pick a single piece of furniture without her approval.  she picks all ugly furniture we have and she has no taste and yet she constantly puts me down and praise herself for her taste, yes... that is a narcissist for you.  I never saw signs of remorse and trust me, i looked very hard.  PD is clearly a character flaw.  Did I mention she also falsified a report to have me arrest after she hit me on my lips as a pre-emptive move?  the irony is that when police saw my wound on my lips, she was also arrested.  But of course, the judge put a bail money on me and let the woman go… as always, the law favors the women accusers.  I am saying all these to you because I want you know that you are not alone.  I am not alone.  Many here have stories like mine and some even worse.  I like to come here and share my battles … so in hope that my horrible experience can find meaning as why they happened.  Good luck and please remember not to let the PD gets you down for more than a few hours… they are not worth it.  They are bullies and abusers and they have no remorse.  do not wait for them to feel bad, it is like waiting for a tiger to take a bite of you and you are waiting for the tiger to apologize.  Not going to happen... it is in their nature to do what they do. 

[thatwasthat]

I should have been able to walk out on my own terms. But the siphoning of my love, emotions and caring left me a hollow man. I gave, freely.  She took. She manipulated.  She lied. I have zero confidence in myself, or self esteem.  how will I know the next woman I meet isn't going to do the same to me, a slow death?  It seems the only single women left who find me of any interest are those with BPD or other issues.

I will say something very bluntly, I apologize in advance should it offend you, but:

That's BS. 

I was down and out. I had lost 30lbs, looked like a skeleton. No drive whatsoever. Nothing. Just an unhealthy shell filled with ruminations. A black hole of pain.

I moved to another state (well... .I didn't really move on my own terms. I had nowhere else to go, and to be honest, early this year I came close to suicide a couple of times.) I had an acquaintance which was nothing more than an acquaintance at the time, but having suffered from domestic violence she recognized the song when she heard the melody. I was told to come over and "hang out" for a couple of weeks.

After some weeks I got bored, I think that was the energy that slowly came back. I started swimming. I got obsessed with it. I'm now close to being back to the best shape of my life. I'm confident.

It may sound weird, but earlier today I was at a restaurant. Using the bathroom I saw myself in the mirror and I thought: ":)ude, you look awesome."

I'm the same guy I always was (well, except being back to a normal sleeping pattern, eating normally etc.) IT'S ALL JUST PERCEPTION.

And, as a longer side note, also relates to what you said... .I learned a huge lesson about respect.

What my ex did, although it felt good at the time, pouring compliments over my head and adoring me in no time... .IS A LACK OF RESPECT. Sounds weird, doesn't it?

I met this girl a few weeks back. She's absolutely amazing in every way. And I think it might lead to something. But I was insecure because the lovebombing was missing. I had to readjust to not being carpet bombed with text messages and telling meow amazing I am and how hot and what not.

But a couple of days ago something hit me, a memory from my so distant feeling healthy dating life.

She's just as nervous as me. Insecure in a healthy way, because it matters to her. She doesn't see me as someTHING she can acquire by flooding my inbox with praise. She might be a bit overcautious since she doesn't really know how serious I am, so she tries to RESPECT BOUNDARIES of which she doesn't yet know where they are.

And I've gotten to the point that I appreciate her saying "I'm excited to see you again. Stay cute!" much more than a diatribe about how nobody ever understood her as i do and yadayadayada.

It is something to think about.

But I digress.

What I am getting at is... .sure I met a couple of girls before her that were    sketchy   to say the least. But that doesn't mean I attract them or that they are the only ones interested in me. It's just that they are out there... .and tempting.

But there are very healthy girls/guys out there. Amazing, beautiful girls/guys that deserve such loving and compassionate people as all people on this forum undoubtedly are.

They are just not as easy to spot... .they might not seem interested when you compare them to the immediate interest bombarding of unhealthy individuals.

Open your eyes and ears.

It reminds me of my younger years. Getting a text saying something like "I'm excited to see you again." And rereading it 5 times smiling like an idiot.

It's a wonderful and "innocent" joy. Get in touch with your "high-school you." 

I'm going to stop that rant now.

[enlighten me]

Hi thatwasthat

one thing I would like to say is that she didnt destroy you. Non of our exs destroyed us. The real damage that was done we did and do to ourselves. We doubt ourselves we believe their lies.  We are the ones that torment ourselves. We are the ones that let them get under our skin.

When you realise that they have no real power over you and that you are the one holding your destiny in your hand then you can reclaim your life.

As an army vet myself I can completely relate to the damage the relationship wreaks on us. I would count down the days left before returning to Afghanistan so that I could escape my personal hell.