Help... anger is killing me

[maric]

Hey guys,

I have been in this forum for a while. The resentment and anger that I feel towards my uBPDex is killing me. It's been a year since she betrayed me and just left me in the middle of our vacation. It still hurts so bad!

I don't know what to do anymore. I have tried therapy (4 months now), praying, exercising, focusing on work, reading, watching movies, going out with friends, meditating, praying, focusing on my plans and family. But from time to time I still feel this pool of anger growing inside of me. It's horrible.

I have never been a vindictive person, but now I want revenge. I'm not proud of it, I'm doing my best to let go of this feelings, but it's stronger than me... .I'm not going to do anything, I live VERY far away from exGF (another country). But it's the feeling that consumes me. It's making me sick and I can't get rid of it!

Please, please, please, anyone tried any technique that helps?

:'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

[FlyingAway]

Hi Maric,

I know exactly what you're going through. I've been in the same place for over a year, and am just now beginning to feel some peace. I still have plenty of bad days, though, and there are not even a few minutes where she doesn't come into my mind. I miss her terribly, but when I start thinking of how much, I try to blur the details about the good stuff, and remember the bad. She is only an illusion. That's all she ever was. I am stronger, and will always be stronger than she is. She will not win this battle. I will, because I'm a good and kind person.

My anger manifested as depression. I felt trapped, as though I couldn't do anything, and like nothing was ever going to get better. I tried all of the things you mentioned, but felt like I was dying. I felt I was nothing, and that I was exploding into little pieces. When I spent time with friends and family, I almost always cried. I prayed. I sought spiritual advice, and I read about spirituality. I'm seeing a therapist too, and recently resumed taking anti-depressant medication.

Often when I meditated, I would have insights. One of the most significant was, "the pain is almost over." In my hazy state, I questioned, "surely I will still have pain." In reply, "yes, but you will not be felled by it." I took great comfort in this.

I hope you're journaling about your anger. It might not help immediately, but you'll be able to look back, and be grateful that your struggle has passed. I look back on my writing occasionally, and though I'm not totally better, it helps to see how far I've come. Regarding praying, I was sometimes on my knees, looking for god's direction and answers. I read somewhere a few months ago, that god will answer our prayers, but we have to meet him halfway. I work on this every day.

Keep reading the posts here, and posting as much as you need to. It's all positive reinforcement for your journey forward.

[StayOrLeave15]

Hi Maric,

I know exactly what you're going through. I've been in the same place for over a year, and am just now beginning to feel some peace. I still have plenty of bad days, though, and there are not even a few minutes where she doesn't come into my mind. I miss her terribly, but when I start thinking of how much, I try to blur the details about the good stuff, and remember the bad. She is only an illusion. That's all she ever was. I am stronger, and will always be stronger than she is. She will not win this battle. I will, because I'm a good and kind person.

My anger manifested as depression. I felt trapped, as though I couldn't do anything, and like nothing was ever going to get better. I tried all of the things you mentioned, but felt like I was dying. I felt I was nothing, and that I was exploding into little pieces.

Hi Guys,

I posted something very similar earlier this week.  The anger is so difficult.  There is a catch-22 that I find myself in:

I become sad because I start thinking about the great times we had together.  Then to prevent myself from fantasizing (or even worse reaching out to her) for something new I look at the texts I saved that have the really, really horrible things she said to me.  And then I get angry.  There are so many negative emotions. 

My therapist tells me I'm not a vindictive person, but that some of the "revenge" ideas that have crossed my mind and the horrible things I said back to her when she was dysregulated are very, very vindictive and not at all reflective of the person I really am.  Then this gets tied up with some earlier mental health and self-confidence issues I had before getting into this relationship and I feel ashamed of these ideas and words. 

If I knew of a surefire way to make these feelings go away trust me I would be posting it all over the place and employing it myself.  The best I have is try to stay engaged in life.  Try to start a project or something that is goal-oriented.  There's no guarantee this will work, but I find that when I am able to do this it helps.  That said, there are days (like today) where I simply feel physically run-down because of all these negative emotions and it is difficult to do anything at all.  I am hoping these feelings pass and that I am able to get on with my life because right now I simply feel stuck and I blame it all on her.

[FlyingAway]

the horrible things I said back to her when she was dysregulated are very, very vindictive and not at all reflective of the person I really am. 

StayorLeave, I did the same thing, when I last spoke with her. Something snapped in me, and I also said horrible things to her. It hurts my heart to remember this, as no one deserves cruelty. I feel I was no better than she was in exploding this way, and sincerely hope it's not the only thing she remembers about me as time goes on.

It's not reflective of who I am, either. I regret it deeply. I hope time helps to heal my cruel words, at least for myself.

[outside9x]

I don't feel revenge, but like Flyingaway, but there is just so much one could take, time after time, after time, and she always the one with everyone that does so so much and they screw her.  Oh man, then the rages etc, and made up stuff, and things to make you feel like you haven't done nothing for her.

So yeah, normally quiet, unless I am being funny, I didn't yell but told her think about who is the common denominator in all these problems with all these people and can everyone of them be wrong and hurtful to you!  Then I said I think you got problems.  

This was after several break ups, raging , pulling away etc.  I know, I shouldn't but I did.  Actually , it's only human at some point to release then hold all that in, especially if she see nothing and just ignores truth!  AaaH!

[non_stuck]

Forgive For Good by Dr. Fred Luskin is the best book on forgiveness I have read. He also has Youtube videos you can watch tonight. I can't say enough about his work.

[fromheeltoheal]

But from time to time I still feel this pool of anger growing inside of me. It's horrible.

Try reframing that: what if you don't have a pool of anger growing inside you, but the anger you feel is the pain leaving.  I was very angry for months, and had the wrong person said the wrong thing to me at that time I would have gone to jail for sure, but it was important for me to feel it all the way, it's the only way to get it out, the option is repressing it which isn't a good idea, but channel it in a way that didn't do more harm (like burning up the energy in the gym or punching a pillow), but it did pass.  Yes it will pass.

I have never been a vindictive person, but now I want revenge.

The best revenge is success, and success is a life well lived.  Once we visualize a future of our design strongly and start taking steps in that direction, first as a distraction maybe, but the stronger the vision the stronger the pull, and eventually what was once a distraction is now just our lives, empowered, and the borderline just fades into the past, inconsequential.

[StayOrLeave15]

The best revenge is success, and success is a life well lived.  Once we visualize a future of our design strongly and start taking steps in that direction, first as a distraction maybe, but the stronger the vision the stronger the pull, and eventually what was once a distraction is now just our lives, empowered, and the borderline just fades into the past, inconsequential.

Couldn't agree more.  It is sad, but without serious treatment our partners/ex's will never have a life well lived.  So rather than feeling like they are a part of us that we *NEED*, we need to move on and take care of ourselves.  The best gift our BPD partners can give us is the life experience to never go through something like this again.

[enlighten me]

My personal opinion is that anger is a necessary part of the healing process. It is what we do with that anger yhat matters. You need to use the anger for self improvement. Exercise learn take on a project save up for something travel. Use the anger to mtivate yourself wth the thought at the back of your mind "look at what your missing".

Eventually your mood will change. The more you work on yourself the more you like yourself. The more you like yourself the more people will be drawn yo you. Eventuallu you will hardly ever think of your ec.

I did this and now my ex wife is wanting me back. I have had her say that finishing with me was the biggest mistake she ever made which is fairly close to the closure I was after.

[maric]

Hey guys,

thank you so so much for all the answers. bpdfamily is really an incredible website!

Try reframing that: what if you don't have a pool of anger growing inside you, but the anger you feel is the pain leaving. 

This is great advice. Thinking about my anger as pain leaving make me feel already lighter, and actually moving somewhere, somehow. And that these horrible feelings I have now *WILL* go away.


And non_stuck, Dr. Fred Luskin is great also. I have watched all his videos I could found on youtube yesterday about forgiveness. And he says to replace the hate with gratitude. I have been practicing all day.

Thanks everyone!

<3<3<3

[non_stuck]

Hi, I'm so glad that you're feeling better! Luskin has made a big difference for me.

I also watch a lot of Ted Talks. When I'm upset about something they help shift my focus to learning something positive.

[maric]

I could not thank you enough! I'm feeling much much better!