Funny Observation about being Painted White.

[Algae]

I just thought i'd make an observation.  I suppose this thread is more of me to let out some steam or vent a little.  Respond if you have any incite on it but if not then thats okay too.  I made a post in another forum and have had many good responds about this already but heres just an observation about BPD as a whole that I just wanted to point out.  Maybe a few of you can relate to this.

My ex recently turned me white again and has been blowing up my phone.  I've been N/C for 3 months, after she blocked me, said she hated me, cheated on me, left me, found a replacement, etc.  She was so happy.

But 3 months later just like it always is... she's blowing up my phone, Facebook, everything.  She's made 3 facebook accounts trying to add me.  Texting me from random numbers telling me to please talk to her.  She's even liked EVERY picture on my instagram and commented on them.

But... .  out of all the things she's done to get my attention.  She has yet to say I'm sorry.  And has yet to dump the replacement.  She just hasn't talked to the replacement in a few days or a week idk.  Let that sink in... she hasn't even said she was sorry.  Its all about her, "PLEASE TALK TO ME ."  Keyword, "Me".  Thats all her messages say.

Shes probably keeping her replacement on the backburner in case I don't reply...

[enlighten me]

This is classic triangulation. The honeymoon period is over and the rose tinted specs have been taken off so she is noticing hour replacements faults.

You are a known quantity to her. She will still have feelings for you but is unlikely to apologise unless she thinks she can get something by doing it.

Tread carefully unless you want to be recycled.

[peiper]

I've had the very same thing happen. I wish she would just crawl back under her rock.

[enlighten me]

With my ex wife I have been painted white. She's having trouble in her recent marriage and has spoken a lot with her mum about me. Saying she messed up and how could she have thrown me away. When she starts getting her needs met again I eill be forgotton about such is the way pwBPD think.

[Blimblam]

I suppoce this must be pretty validating and luckily you have educated yourself about the disorder.  I remember a point I was being devalued and my ex was in contact with one of her exs and we ran into him at a concert and she was all over me in front of him.  They are so twisted and I bet that really messed with his head and I know it did mine.

[enlighten me]

Its strange but when we split up I went through the revenge anger phase and thought one day you will come back when you realise what youve done and I will say no. Knowing what I kno now I just feel sorry for her. I have learnef a lot here and from my two uBPDexs. I only hope I listen to what I have learned for any future relationships.

[peiper]

Its strange but when we split up I went through the revenge anger phase and thought one day you will come back when you realise what youve done and I will say no. Knowing what I kno now I just feel sorry for her. I have learnef a lot here and from my two uBPDexs. I only hope I listen to what I have learned for any future relationships.

No way in check do I feel sorry for her. I hope she reaps the whirlwind.!

[enlighten me]

Peiper they already are. Wheee we recover they dont. While we have lived through the turmoil they are still living it. We are our own worst enemy during our recovery but at least that enemy doesnt have BPD like our exs. If our semi normal brain can play as much havoc as it did to is think what their disordered brain is doing to them.

Im not saying we should forgive them but theres nothing stopping us from pitying them.

[RedDove]

Algae, same thing just happened to me. My ex BPDbf painted me "white" after 3.5 months of NC which was initiated by me. First he contacted me on a dating site, so I blocked him. Next it was email, which I hadn't blocked him on because he hadn't emailed me at that email address in over a year. Next was a friendly VM in which he sounded like "nothing" bad ever happened (the cheating, lying, hurt and pain) between us.  Then the text bombing started with the idealization... .saying he had deep regrets, it was his fault, he misses me, loves me, etc. BUT, yes, exact same as you, there was no "I'm sorry!"

I unblocked him on Facebook for a day and the OW he cheated on me with (and blatantly lied to me about) is still on his friends list! It's the same BPD MO as yours. His mask is slipping and the cracks are showing in the "fairy tale charade" with the OW and he's reaching back to me, previous supply. Whilst also joining a dating site to find new supply. It's the same exact thing he did to me. They are mentally ill and are so desperate to find any attachment to bury and mask the constant shame and guilt they feel for themselves. It's very sad.

I'm sorry you are going through being painted white asmwell. But, very glad we are both more educated and further along in our recovery journey to recognize the BPD game they are playing!

[peiper]

Algae, same thing just happened to me. My ex BPDbf painted me "white" after 3.5 months of NC which was initiated by me. First he contacted me on a dating site, so I blocked him. Next it was email, which I hadn't blocked him on because he hadn't emailed me at that email address in over a year. Next was a friendly VM in which he sounded like "nothing" bad ever happened (the cheating, lying, hurt and pain) between us.  Then the text bombing started with the idealization... .saying he had deep regrets, it was his fault, he misses me, loves me, etc. BUT, yes, exact same as you, there was no "I'm sorry!"

I unblocked him on Facebook for a day and the OW he cheated on me with (and blatantly lied to me about) is still on his friends list! It's the same BPD MO as yours. His mask is slipping and the cracks are showing in the "fairy tale charade" with the OW and he's reaching back to me, previous supply. Whilst also joining a dating site to find new supply. It's the same exact thing he did to me. They are mentally ill and are so desperate to find any attachment to bury and mask the constant shame and guilt they feel for themselves. It's very sad.

I'm sorry you are going through being painted white asmwell. But, very glad we are both more educated and further along in our recovery journey to recognize the BPD game they are playing!

Very well said

[Algae]

Algae, same thing just happened to me. My ex BPDbf painted me "white" after 3.5 months of NC which was initiated by me. First he contacted me on a dating site, so I blocked him. Next it was email, which I hadn't blocked him on because he hadn't emailed me at that email address in over a year. Next was a friendly VM in which he sounded like "nothing" bad ever happened (the cheating, lying, hurt and pain) between us.  Then the text bombing started with the idealization... .saying he had deep regrets, it was his fault, he misses me, loves me, etc. BUT, yes, exact same as you, there was no "I'm sorry!"

I unblocked him on Facebook for a day and the OW he cheated on me with (and blatantly lied to me about) is still on his friends list! It's the same BPD MO as yours. His mask is slipping and the cracks are showing in the "fairy tale charade" with the OW and he's reaching back to me, previous supply. Whilst also joining a dating site to find new supply. It's the same exact thing he did to me. They are mentally ill and are so desperate to find any attachment to bury and mask the constant shame and guilt they feel for themselves. It's very sad.

I'm sorry you are going through being painted white asmwell. But, very glad we are both more educated and further along in our recovery journey to recognize the BPD game they are playing!

Feels good to see there are others just like me.

Is there no saving grace for them?  What I mean is... Is there no way for them to see that they ARE mentally ill and might need to be evaluated for BPD?  Is there no way for them to get anykind of treatment or even become in a sense, 'SELF AWARE' of their illness?

[enlighten me]

Only when they reach rock bottom will they seek change.

[RedDove]

Only when they hit "rock bottom" as Enlighten me stated as well. If we allow ourselves to stay on the Karpman Drama Triangle and move from Persecutor back to Rescuer again we are not helping them (they are always the victim), but merely providing an attachment which will prevent them from hitting rock bottom.

The encounter with my ex BPDbf lasted four years. I did NOT know during the encounter that he suffered from BPD. I knew something was wrong with him, but didn't know just how bad it really was. When I confronted him in the end about the lies and cheating, he dissociated, denied we were even in a r/s (to justify the cheating), and finally admitted to not being stable, borderline, and an alcoholic.

He also said he was in therapy for the last 12 years. But, based upon my experience with him, what I've learned about BPD, and the fact he's a pathological liar, I didn't believe him. I think he's a hermit/waif and he only raged 1 or 2 times in my presence. But the red flags were everywhere! I just chose to ignore them because of my rescuer/caretaker FOO issues. I wanted to believe the fairy tale was real, that he was real.

We can't help them, they have to hit rock bottom and they likely never will, because they always find new supply/attachment to mask their shame and pain. It's an attachment disorder. We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it.

[Algae]

What would have to happen for them to hit rock bottom? 

[antonio1213]

Mine apologized to me about leaving so suddenly. She told me she loved me and all of that but the message was 90% about how hard it was on her, how lonely she was, how she cries all the time, how she misses me, how this is the hardest thing she has ever had to do, on and on and on about her feelings. She starts off the message with "I".

So selfish. I know the disorder makes them this way. Only  thinking about themselves. Our relationship was just so convenient to her its not even funny.

She hasn't tried to contact me in about 2 weeks. When she does she says "I still want you in my life" and "please tell me you are ok". Still all about her, she has barley said a single thing about my feelings or my side of the story. Nor has she tried to see me in person to make sure I am ok. She just wants me as a back up, just kind of like your ex wants you. This behavior is very hurtful but I can't wait to be in a relationship that is healthy and not based on need

[enlighten me]

They run out of supply. They dont get their needs met. They are exposed for who they really are. Whatever it takes for them to have to stsrt looking inward.

Each ones an individual. My ex wife has started therapy. She blames herself now for her failed relationships. She is recently married and hating it. She moved away and has no support. Yhats what it took for her. My exgf on the other hand I believe will hit rock bottom when her kids leave home. For each one there will be something that breaks them. Only they know what it will be.

[RedDove]

They run out of supply. They dont get their needs met. They are exposed for who they really are. Whatever it takes for them to have to stsrt looking inward.

Yup, exactly! When they run out of supply and their needs aren't met. In the email from my ex BPDbf he stated how he was on the dating site, but it was a bad experience. One woman turned out to be bi-sexual. He claimed the date with another woman could not have gone better, but, she reconnected with her ex bf from high school and said she was confused so he declined another date (doubt it!). Yet another woman asked him for a pic of himself without a hat on (he's bald). He texted her the photo and she said "Have a nice day!". He went on to say he took down his dating Profile, didn't have the nerve for it.

So, sounds like lots of rejection which his fragile ego can't handle. However, also his way of painting himself as the victim to me to garner my sympathy and rescuing nature. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the OW he cheated on me with has "no" clue he's on a dating site, trying to recycle me, and about to discard her. Same exact thing he did to me! Perhaps the OW will discard him first. It would actually be a gift to him in order to allow him to hit rock bottom! Again, they are very sad and beyond our help.

[vortex of confusion]

What would have to happen for them to hit rock bottom? 

It is different for each of them.

My husband has supposedly hit rock bottom so many times. Each time, he will stay stuff like, "I just had to hit rock bottom so I would get woken up." The first time that happened, he lost his job for looking at porn at work. That latest "rock bottom" is knowing that I am planning on leaving him. It is driving me crazy because he is stepping up his activity in his 12 step SAA program and has finally made it past step 4. He seems to be taking things a little bit more seriously and has been doing better but I am not willing to put any real stock in what he says or does because he cannot seem to maintain any kind of lasting change. We have been married for 16.5 years so I am not exaggerating. He has guilted me in the past by saying things like, "But you haven't really given me a chance." The last time he tried that on me, I told him, "I have given you 15 years of chances."

As far as being painted white, I think I am permanently painted white by him. It is confusing because he devalues me in the small things but then acts like I am a saint or something. He has painted himself so black that there is absolutely no balance in anything. H

[Wastedyears25]

 "Is there no saving grace for them?  What I mean is... Is there no way for them to see that they ARE mentally ill and might need to be evaluated for BPD?  Is there no way for them to get anykind of treatment or even become in a sense, 'SELF AWARE' of their illness?"


Sorry, I don't think there is any saving grace for most of them. My uBPDstbxh was just discharged after 2 1/2 weeks inpatient at a mental health facility, a highly regarded facility, his diagnosis? Major depressive disorder one episode. He refused family involvement in his therapy (big red flag). The one episode diagnosis tells me that he lied to the Psychiatrist, the therapist and the social workers, he has had depression on and off all of his life, even suicide attempts.  From the info that I obtained from the nurse on his ward he threw a pity party for himself for 2 1/2 weeks with a captive audience of the others in group therapy. So even when some have a breakdown, hit "bottom" and have professional help at their disposal they still lie and manipulate the truth to suit them and play the victim.