FOG has a black cloud...

[Earthbayne]

So, here is my first post. I'd love to say that it's nice to meet everyone here, but part of me wishes I'd never have had to.

My story is somewhat "different". We started out as co-workers and at the time, I was finishing up with a long-term relationship. uBPD and I got along great and even though I thought she was gorgeous, I knew that she was seeing someone at the time and I had just exited my own relationship. We would email each other at work and sometimes have lunch. She managed to eventually weasel her phone number over to me once. I never texted her. She did it again, and I finally did.

From there, time passed until we eventually decided to go out to a bar for a night. The alcohol increased and I started liking her more and more. I could tell something was on her mind though, but whatever, we were having a good time. And then we kissed.

Our process went a LOT slower though. She would get intense and in the moment and then completely pull back. The first few times we'd get sexual, she'd get lost in the moment and then absolutely put a halt on it and have a meltdown. I thought at the time that she was just going through relationship woes. (I found out months later that she had broken up with her ex a day before we went to the bar for the first time.) I told her we'd take our time and eventually get there. From Bar Night #1 to actual sex, it took about 3-4 months. And when it finally happened... .oh, it HAPPENED. We honestly had sex about 18 times in less than a week and one night, even about 6 times.

Funny part about this is a few weeks before the sex had happened, I had already thought I had enough of this relationship. She went through constant tantrums about work and her friends and other people and life. She constantly had paranoia about her boss and how he was out to get her. She constantly was paranoid about her relationships with other people. She would tell me about her conversations with them and say, "I'm not a bad person, right?" At the time, I just thought she was this pure, little sweet thing tossed into a sea of negativity and she needed help getting out. I thought I could be that help. Little did I know, this self-proclaimed "commitment-phobe" (she called herself that when we were just friends) was never going to USE that help. So I had told her that things weren't working out the way I wanted them too and she was just taking too much time... .lo and behold, sex miraculously happened. For two weeks. And then it was gone.

She withdrew "completely". She gave me this excuse about being sick and stayed with her mom for two weeks. She said she needed time and that she wasn't ready for this sort of relationship yet. She's also ridiculously close to her mom, to the point where they talk all day, every day... .text, calls, she stays over. She's close to 40 and still spends nights with her parents even though she owns her own home. She would come back from being at her mom's and come visit me and she'd spend another 45 minutes on the phone with her. When talking about this one night, she admitted to thinking that she needed to spend as much time as she could with her because her mom might not last 10 more years... .because of her mom's anxiety. I always thought this was weird to think of one's parents. She'd break down and cry while saying this as if she was afraid to be abandoned. And yet, when they'd talk on the phone, most of their calls ended up being yelling matches. After over a year of being with her, I now understand why I never met the parents, nor supposedly, has any other guy.

Eventually, I decided I didn't want to deal with this anymore. Lack of a relationship, lack of sex. She was cold. I complimented her. She wanted affection. I got none in return. Everytime I gave her a "mental deadline" she seemed to magically turn around a few days before and everything was great and my timer was reset. We'd be fantastic for two/three weeks and then it'd happen again. It was like this from January til this very November. The cycle was vicious and for a guy who can notoriously walk away from a relationship with relative ease, I kept getting sucked in. I'll spare you any more details and story-telling, but here's a major list of things she did over the course of our relationship... .things that I only thought about in hindsight and not AT the time:

She was paranoid about her boss being out to "get her" and fire her, which eventually happened. I believe the link to her poor performance was a mix of spending too much time texting and checking social media and having too big of a burden from work.

She couldn't just not reply to a text message, even if it was from an ex. She thought it was rude. She did this a LOT in the beginning of us talking, but I hardly knew about it. Towards the end of our relationship, she was doing it again. I think she knew the countdown was almost to a close.

She had trouble keeping personal relationships. Any relationship/friendship with a male would eventually sour over "misunderstandings". She was going to give a shot at starting her own business and her first three potential clients were male. Within less than a month, they no longer wanted to deal with her.

Her only long-term friendship is with a best friend who is in an emotionally abusive relationship of her own.

She did make clear that she had some bad relationship experiences. Probably her fault, but she loved making the claim that it was THEIR fault. She did recount an odd sexual experience which ALWAYS bothered me but at the time, I let it slide because I was "so into her". I should have known better.

Within the first two months of our friendship, she related being a commitment phobe and did not want kids because of how it would ruin her body.

Constant image issues. No matter how much I told her she was beautiful, she wouldn't believe me or would downplay it or counter it with by saying that she wasn't.

If she didn't get her way, her response would be "FINE" and then become emotionally manipulative.

She preferred to argue over text, than talk in person. When we would talk in person, she was much more receptive to trying to get past the issue, rather than address. She would say she was sorry but immediately say that part of it was my fault, or I wasn't nice either.

Constantly asking about her interactions with other people and whether she was justified with feeling how she felt.

When confronted with an issue, she'd raise her volume towards the person she is talking to and not let them talk in order to drown them out. She did this a LOT with me whenever I was using reason. She knew I hated it and resorted to it everytime we were trying to have a discussion. She knew it'd set me off. Some of my worst fights were with her.

She'll deflect within an argument to take the focus off of the matter at hand if it seems to be something directed her.

Whenever there was a disagreement or misunderstand, she'd feel the immediate need to clarify that she wasn't a bad person or that I was making her feel like I was a bad person.

She had me honestly questioning my own communication patterns and my own reality and shifting my views to hers. I was having a tough time at work. She was bombarding me with texts about her own problems and I started to reflect her issues on my own, at my job. Her life was affecting my life and I was starting to get JUST AS PARANOID as she was!

She would argue with me about something in the morning, and in the evening, argue with me (while making the point I was making in the morning) in the afternoon.

Would get panic attacks if she thought I was going to dump her. She literally said she was having panic attacks. When any mention of walking away from the relationship would come up, sex would happen that week and then eventually be withheld again. Constantly needed reassurance and needed to be staying with someone. She has her own house, but if I didn't stay with her, she would go and stay with her parents.


TL:DR

I know this has been a long, first post. But the point is, after almost 2 years, I walked away for the last time. As I was going through these things with my sister (Who is a psychiatrist), she actually brought up BPD. She told me that as 2014 had gone on, she started writing down our phone conversations about my ex and went through the list of things she saw and she though she was most likely a form of PD, specifically BPD. Now, of course, my sister wasn't there personally and can only go based on what I have said. But ever since then, it sparked the fire to NOT go back to her. So far I am on NC Day 12. The black cloud is the fact that I know at some point she will reach out. I am probably painted black right now. Our last conversation consisted of her telling me that I am not nice sometimes either, and that our last argument was essentially my fault for elevating her defense mechanism and that there's more to it if I was willing to walk away over ONE stupid fight. I won't lie, there are moments that I miss her, but I carry around with me a condensed list of things she had done to me over the last few months. It centers me, it grounds me. But I can attest to what everyone says about the "addiction". There were very few good times, and the ones that exist, were probably manufactured. My reasoning to join these boards is not because I want to let her go, it's because I need to build strength for when she boomerangs back around.

I could have written so many other things about her, but then I'd need to get published with the length. It still amazes me how I stayed with her for so long when everything else indicated that I absolutely shouldn't have had.

Thanks for reading.

[Pingo]

Hi Earthbayne, and welcome!  You sound like you have been through a lot in the last 2 yrs!  I'm sorry.  I can relate to the idea of becoming paranoid like them, I did this as well.  5 mths out now it is getting better and it will for you as well.  You are right, it is an addiction so the more you learn about it the stronger you become.  This site has tons of articles to help with that and keep posting, this helps too.  That's great that you have the knowledge of a psychiatrist in your family!  Figuring out why you got so hooked in the r/s is really the beginning of the healing, getting out of that black cloud.  When you say you want to 'build strength for when she boomerangs back around' are you thinking of trying to reconcile?

[Earthbayne]

Hey Pingo, thanks for the message and the encouragement.

I 110% do NOT want to get back with her. I know this. Part of the problem is she knows absolutely how pull certain strings and push certain buttons. Even when we were breaking up and even in our last messages, she was still blaming me indirectly for it. Even when she was saying, "I was wrong and I'm sorry." it was thickly veiled with "I was wrong about you and I'm sorry that you messed up."

During my time with her, I shut out most of my friends and family. She always said that she hated that I seemed to depend on her socially and wanted me to make friends or reach out to old ones, but whenever I tried to make plans, she'd try to sabotage them or some "crisis mode". I could never do my own thing.

There's just so much more about her than what I posted.

The eggshells... .the "damned if I do/damned if I don't"... .whenever she would ask for my thoughts on something, I knew it would be a fight, just so much.

I could never go back to feeling that worthless again. I got to the point where I suggested to my sister whether something might be wrong with ME. That bad.

[Waifed]

Your ex was earily similar to mine.  My ex used sex as a weapon but really never withheld it. It was her hook. She also spent a ton of time at home with her mom and in 3 years I never met her mom or dad. She was a commitment phobe and the fear of abandonment that most talk about on this site didn't come up strongly until our final year. She stayed with me almost every night yet never left anything of hers at my house. The constant push/pull was there too. To this day I'm not sure which actions were manipulation and which were genuine. I lost contact with all my friends and hobbies. She was trying to make me choose her over my kids towards the end. Lots of craziness looking back.

[Earthbayne]

I honestly don't think I was ever going to meet her parents. I think in her mind, meeting the parents cements the fact that she was going to have me in her life "forever". Fear of abandonment would probably crush that notion at any given time.

When we became official, I should have realized the biggest flag of all. She told me she never wanted to place a label on it because as soon as we would, she would most likely leave me. At the time, I didn't understand what she was talking about. I told her I could leave her at any time regardless but I was tired of being introduced to people she knew as "just a friend" when everyone (except HER apparently) knew that I was the steady man in her life. In her words, I was forcing her into exclusivity because she had no other resort. She could lose me then or lose me eventually.

Now, I understand that mindset, since learning about all of this. I was never going to win. I was just going to lose at a prolonged rate. I wish I had left the first time a year ago. But I didn't know what I was up against.

And as far as NC goes, Day 13. I haven't heard a peep from her and I would like to keep it that way. I do go through a bit of "anxiety" whenever I am going to go out. We like to frequent the same places, so it's inevitable that at some point, we will run into each other and I'm not sure how I will react. She will either be surrounded by her pack of damaged females or the new/old guy that she is seeing. I hope I can be indifferent. I just know I am not there yet. I hope I don't even have to test that.

[Pingo]

I certainly can understand that, I dread the thought of running into my ex. I haven't yet, it's been 5 months. The preoccupation about running into him has lessened, I don't look for him anymore like I did in the beginning. I hope you can do the same in time.

[Earthbayne]

I at least know that when she paints someone black, she'll avoid their regular hangouts for a while. When we were just friends and she was getting "over" her ex (and preparing her next victim - me), she would say, "Let's not go there, HE will probably be around there." When she meant THERE, it was the whole town.

Hopefully she follows that protocol for a while.

Thankfully, I'll be with a group of people who know the situation.

[Earthbayne]

Today will be Day 15 NC.

Went through the whole weekend, nothing from her... .did not bump into her. Slowly have been deleting all of her pictures off of my phone and took out all of them that were in my apartment. My family knows about it, so it's a lot more real.

Worst part is knowing that she might come back around at some point. I almost feel like I am just "waiting" for it to happen. I think that's what kills me the most right now. I already feel way more better than I did about at 5 or 6 days in, but still having her in the back of my mind has been a bit rough. I see now why a lot of people have issues during the weekends. It can be tougher when you aren't at work and doing a million things during the day/night. I've tried keeping myself as occupied as I can so that time can numb everything.

[Pingo]

Earthbayne, good on you to staying NC, it is so hard!  As you pointed out, you already feel better than just a few days ago so keep focusing on that, you will feel again that much better in another week, month, etc.  It's amazing how much changes in a short time.  Changing your routines will help, it'll break that habit of expecting to see her.  And take lots of time to do nurturing things for yourself.  I spent a lot of time at the Oceanside after my BU, I spent so much in gas just to go out there a couple of times a week but it's my happy place.  Brings me peace. Helped me get focused on myself and my own needs.  And I agree, once you tell your friends/family it does get more real which is hard but important.

[Earthbayne]

And I agree, once you tell your friends/family it does get more real which is hard but important.

The worst was telling a really good friend of mine who is bipolar. Over the course of the year, I would tell him about her and he TRIED his damndest to warn me that he does a LOT of the same things she does to a certain degree. He is clinically bipolar and takes medication and has great strides. I have NO idea why I never took his word for it a little heavier than I do now. We had a good talk and he said he just wanted to make sure that THIS time I really meant it and could stay away.

Pingo, thanks for your words. I'm ready to spend so much in gas, just like you do. I want to travel. Break all of my old routines that I had with her.