How long did you go to therapy for and do you think it helped?

[clydegriffith]

I went for about a year and i think it helped. I don't think it was anything magical that the therapist did but more of just having someone to talk to about this as the details of the breakup with BPD are so humiliating (everyone knew) that i just kind of just avoided talking to any of my friends about it. To this day i get a very uneasy feeling if anyone brings her name up in a conversation and i do my best to change the subject.

[fromheeltoheal]

What we need coming out of a relationship with a borderline is compassion, empathy and validation, since we were usually getting the opposite in the relationship, and that can do a number on our self-esteem and self-confidence; I realize most of us here know that and have experienced it.  We pay therapists to be empathetic and validating, so that in itself is worth the visit, and beyond that good therapists have the training and skills to help us over hurdles in our detachment and healing.  I've seen several therapists over the years and they've all given me that empathy and validation, and called me on my sht when I needed it, but what it all really amounted to were focus shifts that helped me focus on an empowering future, and as it's said, it's up to us to do the work, no one can do it for us, but having supportive friends along the way, even the ones we pay, can only help.  Take care of you!

[Pingo]

I saw a psychologist since after our first BU last winter and saw her while I recycled and BU again.  She helped me understand the muddled up feelings I was having and why it was so difficult to leave.  She pointed out the abuse I was suffering (I was so in the FOG I wasn't even sure it was abuse).  I felt like she wasn't provocative enough for me though, I had done so much reading and I really wanted her to challenge me more.  While researching 'relationship addiction' I found a website of a counsellor in my area that specialises in this and has some really great published articles on her website.  I sought her out and have been seeing her for a couple of months.  She is excellent, provocative and extremely validating.  It just clicks with her.  I don't feel comfortable showing emotion in front of people easily but I end up very emotional in our sessions and process a lot in a short time.  Therapy has been invaluable for me, especially since I have only told a few people I'm separated with my exh and no one would understand what the heck happened anyhow. 

[Turkish]

I was abandoned in couples' counseling after one joint session, and after two individual sessions, my Ex quit as well. The one thing the T got out of her was "I don't trust men." That explained a lot of her behaviors over the years. Projection. Surely out of the 3.4 billion males on the planet, there may be a few who may be trustworthy, no?

Although my mother did the same thing to me 30 years ago (abandoning me to family therapy after one joint session, because I was obviously the problem), I stuck with it. I also went against my instinct to choose a female therapist and chose a male one instead. I made the case for him based upon his online bio and short essay, and my Ex agreed.

I never had a father, and male role models were scarce, even non-existent growing up since my mom remained a "maid" my whole childhood due to her own issues. No boyfriends. I thought, "why do I want a female T, is it because I think I related to women better---- so many women have told me---, and is this really healthy? Maybe I need that avuncular advice that I had missed all of those years."

So I spent the next 8 months going pretty much weekly. I probably spent over $5K, and it was worth every penny. Half of that time was to support me as my Ex was pretty much throwing her r/s in my face while still living with me and the kids. I regret that we didn;t have too much time to go into my own issues as much, though I did give him background on my origins and also my mother. I also touched bases with him to get advice on how this was affecting the kids, and their behaviors. Again, worth every penny.

After a while, he stated, "ok, where do we go from here?" It was his way of saying, "there's nothing really wrong with you, despite what you may think." Starting to pay child support and daycare, I cut it off, and in truth, we kind of searched for stuff to talk about in my last appointment early in the summer.

I may go back again later in the winter, just to update him. It might be a crutch now, and a way of keeping to move forward. I needed it at the time, however. What I'm proud of is that I left the old Turkish behind, the one who would have gone hermit and brooded, surviving and pushing forward, but not acknowledging my pain.

At the risk of quoting my mom, "I think everyone should be in therapy," I do think that it has its place, and it certainly helped me. By extension, it helped my kids as well. I'll leave aside my Ex's comments to our paramour "Turkish has been nicer to me lately. I think the therapy is really helping him."   Yes it did, but in a different way than she thought. 

[fromheeltoheal]

It might be a crutch now, and a way of keeping to move forward. I needed it at the time, however. What I'm proud of is that I left the old Turkish behind, the one who would have gone hermit and brooded, surviving and pushing forward, but not acknowledging my pain.

Yes.  The biggest thing I've gotten out of the borderline experience and subsequent therapy was an opening up, feeling my way through life instead of thinking my way, and refusing to live a false self anymore; I am who I am, I'm not going to try and be someone I'm not because you might like that better, and if you're not going to be a supportive friend, you gotta go.  Now.

Hard to say if therapy is a crutch or an aid in moving forward though; it really depends on our goals and needs going in.

"Turkish has been nicer to me lately. I think the therapy is really helping him."

Classic!  Just classic.

[myself]

I chose to go while in my 20's because I wanted to deal with some stuff from my childhood. I'm old enough where there wasn't an online support group I could be part of back then. I looked at it like taking myself to the repair shop. Wasn't paying someone to be my friend, but to hopefully give it to me straight. I told the truth as I saw it, asked to be called on my sh!t, and it helped. I accepted/released a lot of my FOO stuff and was able to move on. I validated/believed in myself much more.

I went back to therapy while trying to figure out what was going wrong in this last relationship. My then-gf said she'd go to couples sessions together but then she never did. So the T and I worked through some of my personal things, including how to better handle being with someone who obviously had many unresolved and damaging issues of her own. He suggested I leave her, but I resisted and didn't return. Looking back, he was trying to assist me but I wasn't ready to let go.

The T I'm seeing now is set up for me to make appointments as needed. It's good to have someone who isn't family or friend to bounce things back and forth with. As I've been going through this detachment, I went regularly for awhile, then tapered off. Am seeing her again soon to get another opinion of where I am now and how to best proceed. It does come down to how you approach it. It depends on the T, too. You might be looking for sympathy but they're a no bs let's-get-to-the-real-bottom-of-this kind of person. For me it's been look for the truth, express the truth, and accept the truth, and it'll turn out way better. If you go. Not everybody needs to. Whatever works best for you works best for you.

[OutOfEgypt]

I went to therapy for 4 years.  Most of that time was while I was *in* my relationship with my BPD ex.  I believe it would have been shorter if I had left her much sooner.  It was like one step forward and two steps back over and over.  However, I would probably not have left without the progress I made in therapy.  I really owe my life to my T.  I am a different person today, and that is largely due to him helping me work through so much and find myself.  The approach he used is something called ISTDP (intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy). 

[Pingo]

I just want to add that a yr into my r/s we did go see a MC for a few mths and then again 3 yrs in for a few sessions, when I first threatened to end the r/s... .didn't help at all and actually I think confused me even more.  Mostly it was me telling about the crazy behaviour and him acting like he was completely innocent and was 'shocked' that I was feeling the way I was.  When I told her I didn't trust him you'd have thought I had shot his dog.  He was so insulted!  Instead of calling him on the stuff I was talking about she just focused on me and my 'reactions'... .made me think maybe I was just over reacting bc of my FOO issues.  Such as when I told her about how he 'punishes' me with the ST, he says I am just too sensitive bc that's what my mom did. Well duh!  Of course I was!  Doesn't make him doing it okay but it was his way of taking the heat off himself and she let him.  I really have a lot of anger still with this counsellor, she could have saved me another divorce!  Find a good T for yourself and forget MC until they can be accountable for their actions (which we know is highly unlikely for a pwBPD).

[slimmiller]

I just want to add that a yr into my r/s we did go see a MC for a few mths and then again 3 yrs in for a few sessions, when I first threatened to end the r/s... .didn't help at all and actually I think confused me even more.  Mostly it was me telling about the crazy behaviour and him acting like he was completely innocent and was 'shocked' that I was feeling the way I was.  When I told her I didn't trust him you'd have thought I had shot his dog.  He was so insulted!  Instead of calling him on the stuff I was talking about she just focused on me and my 'reactions'... .made me think maybe I was just over reacting bc of my FOO issues.  Such as when I told her about how he 'punishes' me with the ST, he says I am just too sensitive bc that's what my mom did. Well duh!  Of course I was!  Doesn't make him doing it okay but it was his way of taking the heat off himself and she let him.  I really have a lot of anger still with this counsellor, she could have saved me another divorce!  Find a good T for yourself and forget MC until they can be accountable for their actions (which we know is highly unlikely for a pwBPD).

We (My now exBPD Wife) and I went to exactly 2 counseling sessions until she decided that I was all the problem and she was not willing to continue. Continuing would have meant she would have had to own a part of the problem and she was not going to do that.

That being said, the MC did basically call her on a few things but in the same sense I can understand your frustrations with the counselor. The vast majority of counselors are completely clueless with BPD which blows my mind. IS it that rare that they have never even heard of it? I can understand them not knowing how to deal with it but to me its a lack of competence from counselors to not know.

Far too many PDs (at least my ex) only went to counseling in order to try and win another ally on her side (the counselor) I think far too many counselors being generally very empathetic, play right into it for the PDs. The counselors just become another tool for them.

I did go to counseling for about 6 month after the implosion of the marriage and she did help me a lot. Although I wish she would have been a bit more assertive and called me more and deeper on some of the issues I had. It would have helped me heal faster but thats just me in hind sight